RetiredRedneck.com

Redneck Ramblins

1. I wonder why the psychics don’t win all of the lotteries.
2. #44 is making a list of all of the previous administration’s policies that he will use executive order to change. Here is my list:
   1. Make everyone in DC tell the truth and nothing but the truth
   2. Serve the people that elected you versus being self serving
   3. Include politicians in the Do Not Call List
   4. Eliminate the designated hitter in the American League
   5. Make all government employees contribute to Social Security and then live under it
   6. Make it illegal to participate in partisan politics – Do What Is Right for America!!
   7. Do away with the top 35 rule in NASCAR. Everybody qualifies and top 43 fastest run that week.
   8. Eliminate earmarks and use line item veto.
   9. After $ 5.3 billion spent on this federal election (President, Senators, Cong Rep. and not state or local), seems that election finance reform is in order
   10. Re-discover ethics!
3. It makes me mad that so many ads on TV make the Dad look like a total dope. I have a sense of humor (it may be the only sense I have), but this country needs to have the children respect their parents. This doesn’t help!
4. Of course the parents need to earn the respect of their kids by always doing the right thing.
5. Ever notice how intolerant people are that preach tolerance?
6. Hey, this new administration thing is working. I just realized that I am paying far less income taxes right now than I was a year ago. Of course, last year I had a job.
7. Stop bailing until you fix the leaks or your boat’s gonna sink anyway.
8. US automakers need to go bankrupt if they don’t make fuel efficient cars efficiently. The UAW better wake up before there is no US auto industry!!
9. I see AIG is getting another add-on to their bailout. Now up to $ 150 billion. Does this mean they get to have more parties?
10. A billion here a $100 billion there. Sooner or later we gonna be talking serious money.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

2 dead in argument after Alabama-LSU game
EVERGREEN, Ala. — A man and woman were shot dead after an argument that witnesses said started over an Alabama-LSU football game, but sheriff’s investigators said Monday they continued to investigate the motive.

The Conecuh County sheriff’s office identified the victims as Dennis James Smith, 41, and Donna Kaye Hall Smith, 39, of Brewton. The two were shot to death about 7 p.m. Saturday in the rural community of Owassa in southern Alabama.

Michael W. Williams, 28, was arrested and charged with two counts of murder over the shooting at his home, where he had watched the game. He was being held Monday without bond. A sheriff’s investigator handling the case did not know if he had an attorney.

An investigator said Monday that people watching the game at Williams’ home said the dispute was over the game, which Alabama won 27-21 in overtime Saturday, but an investigation into the motive was not complete. The investigator also said alcohol may have been a factor.

According to witness accounts to investigators, Dennis Smith, an LSU fan, called Williams, an Alabama fan, after the game, and the Smiths then went to Williams’ home, where a physical altercation led to the shooting.

Investigators said Dennis Smith had a pistol and Williams had a shotgun and fired.
Authorities said Donna Smith was a relative of Williams’ girlfriend.

Relatives of both the victims and the suspect either declined comment or did not immediately return phone messages Monday from The Associated Press.

Football in the SEC is not a life or death matter. It is far more important than that!

Redneck Joke of the Week

DWI - TEXAS STYLE

Recently a routine police patrol car was parked outside a bar in Texas. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.   The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.   After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck.  ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Redneck Picture of the Week

Note the rubber band holding the cell phone and the shotgun in the arm as he is smokin’ and drinkin’. Look Ma no hands!!

Racin’ at Homestead

Congrats to the Champions

• Jimmie Johnson - Cup
• Clint Bowyer - Nationwide
• Johnny Benson – Trucks

Some great racin’ this past weekend especially in the Trucks and Nationwide. Never knew would win the championships until the checkered flag.

Folks have been askin’ what I am going to do between now and Daytona?

1. Attend Racin’ Anonymous meetings
2. Sit on the hill looking at cars going fast on I-20
3. Sniff the lawnmower gas can every now and again
4. Watch re-runs of races from back in the day

Ain’t True

The Washington Redskins have proven to be a time-tested predictor. In the previous elections, if the Washington Redskins have lost their last home game prior to the election, the incumbent party has lost the White House. When they have won, the incumbent has stayed in power. This is accurate 94.7% of the time.

The only miss in 19 elections was in 2004. The Redskins were defeated by the Green Bay Packers 28-14, but Bush was re-elected.

This election? The Redskins were defeated at home by the Pittsburgh Steelers 23-6 on the eve of the election and the Democrats regained the White House.

Ain’t true that the media watched the game on November 3rd and made their predictions. Heck, they decided that over six months ago!

Redneck Song of the Week:

The South’s Gonna Do It Again – Charlie Daniels

Redneck Video of the Week

Chainsaws

http://www.jibjab.com/player/main.swf?jid=56246

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Technology

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.

Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - Female Disco dancer.

Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak’s Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        9 – 6    ..600

Season Record                 109 – 36    .752

Louie’s Losers

Lost some close ones last week, so we try to do better this time……

Miami upsets Ga Tech
This will be close, but Hurricanes hit Atlanta

Buffalo upsets Bowling Green
Bulls are a surprise team in the nation and could head for their first bowl game with a victory

Virginia loses to Clemson
Another close ACC matchup

UAB loses to E Carolina
Alabama’s 3rd best team just not good enough in this one

UTEP loses to Houston
Cougars dig a big hole for the Miners

Ole Miss loses to LSU
Another nail biting SEC adventure for the Bayou Bengals

Maryland barely loses to Fla St
Another ACC great one

Univ Central Fla loses to Memphis
Tigers BBQ the Knights

North Texas loses to Middle Tennessee
Bet the double-wide game of the week

Arkansas loses by an inch to Miss St
Miss St defense will stop the Hawgs, but can the offense score enough pts?

NC State loses to NC
Wolfpack whooped (and this isn’t even basketball!)

Texas Tech upsets Oklahoma
Oklahoma will be unable to stop the air attack

Marshall loses to Rice
Thundering Herd will need some lightning too to pull this one out

Air Force loses to TCU
Falcons are grounded

LA – Laf loses to Troy
Alabama’s 2nd best team prevails

Tulane loses to Tulsa
Tulsa embarrassed last week will take it out on the Green Wave

Tennessee loses to Vandy
Don’t happen often, but boy do I like the sound of it. Rocky Bottoms for the former Rocky Tops.

Duke loses to VA Tech
Blue Devils are bluer after this one

Boston College loses to Wake Forest
Another ACC close game

Louisville loses to West VA
Another ACC close game

Auburn loses to … Oops
They get a break this week since they don’t play

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs.”
- Jay Leno

Redneck Ramblins

1. Veteran’s Day November 11th    Freedom is not free. Somebody had to pay for it. Thanks to all the veterans that I still have the right to write what I think and to still write it in English!!
2. Two more Auburn students died this week after using rectal thermometers. Yep, died of brain damage.
3. Why is it that I know more about the background of Joe “The Plumber” than I do about the next President of the United States?
4. I’m ready for change! First, congress needs to live under the same laws as us little people. So, they should have to retire on social security and they should have to obey the Do Not Call List, not be exempt from it. I want them to change and do the right things for America not just what lines their pockets and gets them re-elected. I want them to stop earmarks. I want them to cut federal spending by 10% just like every company and citizen has had to do. I want them to stop the partisan politics.
5. How about term limits? These politicians need to get real jobs some time in their lives.
6. Buy American! Let’s keep what little money we have left in this country. Good luck finding something that is still made in the US of A.
7. Saw many people last week at the races that had a balance problem. They probably had blood in their alcohol system. Screwed them up bad.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (compliments of Mrs. Redneck, the teacher)

How would you pronounce this child’s name: ‘Le-a’ ???

Leah??  NO
Lee - A??   NOPE
Lay - a??    NO
Lei?? Guess  Again.

It’s pronounced ‘Ledasha’
Oh yes…you read it right.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said ‘the dash don’t be silent.’

Redneck Joke of the Week

George Phillips, 82,  a redneck from Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars , a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’ Don’t mess with old rednecks.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’ at Phoenix

If you’re not sure yet whether you’re a NASCAR fan, maybe we can help with that, too.
(With apologies to comic Jeff Foxworthy)

- If you actually know what Goody’s Headache Powder is and have proudly worn Dickies, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you understand how Carl Edwards has more wins, more top-five finishes, more top-10 finishes and more prize money this season than Jimmie Johnson yet has no chance to catch him in the Chase for the Sprint Cup - and you don’t like it much - you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you call your wife during the middle of your daily commute to report that you’re a little loose in the corners, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If she tells you, “Then keep the dang thing out of the marbles,” she might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you believe there is a heaven and that it will be something like having a motor home in the infield, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you suspect hell also exists and that it may resemble Rattlesnake Hill but figure, hey, as long as there’s beer . . . You might be a NASCAR fan. — Arizona Republic

Racin Picks of the Week – Homestead

1. Greg Biffle
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Carl Edwards

Ain’t True

Dog bites reporter
By BEN FELLER
WASHINGTON (AP) — Talk about a biting critique of the press.

It seems President Bush’s dog Barney wasn’t much in the mood for friendly attention during his walk outside the White House on Thursday. So when Reuters reporter Jon Decker reached down to pet the Scottish terrier, the seemingly docile dog snapped at him and bit Decker’s right index finger.

Reporter April Ryan of American Urban Radio Networks happened to capture the moment on video.

And, naturally, it soon wound up on YouTube. The video comes to an end with a freeze frame on Barney’s fangs.

Barney won’t have to worry about bothersome reporters much longer. The Bush administration ends in 75 days, and the president is headed back to Texas.

Sally McDonough, a spokeswoman for first lady Laura Bush, said of Barney: “I think it was his way of saying he was done with the paparazzi.”

Mrs. Bush asked McDonough to call Decker and make sure he was fine. She reports that Decker “is being a good sport about it all.”

The intrepid reporter got bandaged up by the White House doctor.

As he says in the YouTube clip: “I got bit by Barney, and unfortunately it broke the skin, and I have to be on antibiotics for the next few days.”

Consider it a cautionary tale. The incoming president, Barack Obama, has promised to buy daughters Malia and Sasha a puppy.

I would like to bite the media and I think Bush would too! It ain’t true that W told Barney to sic ‘em.

Redneck Song of the Week

In honor of the end of summer…

Craig Morgan - Redneck Yacht Club
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsGOX7DMVCg

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck 911
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/687189/3109318

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Medical Training

Artery………………….The study of paintings.

Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium………………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section…………A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan…………………Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize……………….Made eye contact with her.

Coma……………………A punctuation mark.

Dilate………………….To live long.

Enema…………………..Not a friend.

Fester………………….Quicker than someone else.

Fibula………………….A small lie.

Hangnail………………..What you hang your coat on.

Impotent………………..Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain………………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff……………A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid………………….A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates………………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node……………………I knew it.

Pelvis………………….Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative…………..A letter carrier.

Rectum………………….Darn near killed him.

Seizure…………………Roman emperor.

Tablet………………….A small table.

Tumor…………………..More than one.

Urine…………………..Opposite of you’re out

Varicose………………..Near by

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        9 – 3    .750
Season Record                 100 – 30    .769

Louie’s Losers

Miami upset by Va Tech
Hokies kicking game kicks the thugs

Miss St loses to #1 Bama
Tide Rolls again, but Miss St defense will make it tough

Texas A&M loses to Baylor
Aggies get baptized in Waco

Duke loses to Clemson
Blue Devil’s brains cannot overcome Clemson’s talent

Auburn loses to Georgia
Dawg’s ruin Auburn’s one game winning streak

S. Carolina loses to Fla
Ole Ball Coach wishes he was still coaching the Gators!

Boston College loses to Fla State
Might be a different result if this game was played up North

Troy loses to LSU
Cajuns beat 2nd best team in Alabama

La – Monroe loses to Ole Miss
Bet the double-wide special of the week

Maryland loses to NC
Tar Heels win at home in a close one

Colorado loses to Okie State
Buffaloes get stampeded at home

Rutgers loses to S. Fla
Speed kills the Scarlet Knights

Kansas loses to Texas
Lawrence’s losers lose to Longhorns

UAB loses to Tulane
Green Wave defeat 3rd best team in Alabama

NC State loses to Wake Forest
A dandy of a game in the ACC

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

“I’ve seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I’ve seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. “
-Gov. George C. Wallace

Redneck Ramblins

1. Went to the store the other day and bought some milk. The picture of the Auburn offense was on the carton.
2. Why is it that when someone works hard and succeeds, others want to dummy down the system to make things fair? How ‘bout working harder to succeed yourself.
3. By the time you read this, most likely we will have elected a new president and many others to office. If you are not happy about the outcome; if you feel that you want your country back, do something about it. It starts with each one of us. Reach out to others. Mentor a kid, teach Sunday School, pray for others, get off your back side and do something to make a difference one person at a time. Then hold those in office accountable!
4. You know the difference between an Auburn win and a UFO? People claim that they have seen UFO’s.
5. Why is it when we set our clocks back in the fall, we never use that extra hour to sleep? Most of us spend the hour resetting clocks.
6. I am all for the redistribution of wealth. I got dibs on Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Heck, I’d even take Robert Gates or Jimmy Buffet. More than likely I will get Billy “The Bum” Buffet.
7. Texas is getting more like California each day. On Thursday, 10/30, we had minor earthquakes followed on Saturday by tremors.
8. Saw this on a t-shirt at Texas Motor Speedway this weekend

“I Love My Country – But Its Government Scares Me”

And I approve this message.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Ghost car racks up tickets

Published: Nov. 2, 2008 at 2:14 PM

CHICAGO, Nov. 2 (UPI) — Chicago police say they are investigating how a 1992 Chevrolet Lumina racked up nearly $4,000 in tickets in the year after it was presumed crushed.

Cheryl Thomas said the police became involved after notices seeking payment for nearly $4,000 were mailed to her home in Alsip, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Sunday.

“The police told me the car was destroyed, but it’s still moving around,” said Thomas, whose son, Gene, owned the car until it was impounded last year and ordered crushed by police after he failed to pay $500 in storage and towing fees, the Sun-Times reported.

During the next 12 months, toll cameras photographed the car nearly 200 times as it breezed through tollbooths without paying a cent, the Sun-Times reported.

Untangling the car’s recent history has been difficult with police reporting the car was crushed, not crushed, sold, then not sold, the Sun-Times reported, noting police say the car currently is undriveable and sitting in a city-owned lot, though police would not allow the Sun-Times to see the car.

This from a city where dead people have been voting for years!

Redneck Joke of the Week

BUBBA AND EARL

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it’s a po-leece roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!”

“Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, okay?” said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “Have you boys been drinking?”

“No sir,” said Earl, “We’re on the patch.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba Heard That Huntin’ Season Started

Racin’ at Texas

Redneck son and I spent a picture perfect weekend in fellowship with 200,000 of our friends smelling burning rubber and spent racin’ fuel. Cousin Carl Edwards crew chief made a calculated gutsy call to stay out 10 laps longer than anybody else to win the Dickies 500 in a fuel mileage slapdown. Edwards cut deeply into Jimmie Johnson’s points lead (only 106 point ahead with two races to go.) Bet NASCAR checks the capacity of that 99 Ford’s fuel cell!

Racin Picks of the Week – Phoenix –The Chase is On!

1. Clint Bowyer
2. Denny Hamlin
3. David Reutimann

Ain’t True

UCLA Study Finds That Searching the Internet Increases Brain Function in Older Adults

Researchers found volunteers with prior experience in Web searching registered a twofold increase in brain activation

(10/29/2008)

UCLA scientists have found that for computer-savvy older adults, searching the Internet triggers key centers in the brain that control decision-making and complex reasoning. The findings demonstrate that Web search activity may help stimulate and possibly improve brain function.

The study, the first of its kind to assess the impact of Internet searching on brain performance, is currently in press at the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry and will appear in an upcoming issue.

As the brain ages, a number of structural and functional changes occur, including atrophy, reductions in cell activity, and increases in deposits of amyloid plaques and tau tangles, which can impact cognitive function.

Researchers noted that pursuing activities that keep the mind engaged may help preserve brain health and cognitive ability. Traditionally, these include games such as crossword puzzles, but with the advent of technology, scientists are beginning to assess the influence of computer use—including the Internet.

For the study, the UCLA team worked with 24 neurologically normal research volunteers between the ages of 55 and 76. Half of the study participants had experience searching the Internet, while the other half had no experience. Age, educational level, and gender were similar between the two groups.

Researchers found that during Web searching, volunteers with prior experience registered a twofold increase in brain activation when compared with those with little Internet experience.

Ain’t true that if you spend all of your time surfing the web that you will be any smarter. It just means that your lazy butt has no life!

Redneck Song of the Week

Redneck Anthem – Ty England

Redneck Video of the Week: (Compliments of Redneck Rich J)

National Anthem sung the way it should be by 5 sisters at a Texas Tech basketball game in February 2008.

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Diversity Training

Football Season: North vs. South

Women’s Attire

Up North:
Chap stick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.

Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary - that’s what dates are for.

Stadium Size
Up North:
College football stadiums hold 20,000.

Down south:
High school football stadiums hold 20,000.

Names
Up North:
Doug Flutie.

Down South:
Kenny ‘The Snake’ Stabler

Weather
Up North:
Snow and Ice.

Down South:
Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

Fathers
Up North:
Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

Down South:
Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Attire
Up North:
Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.

Down South:
Male - khakis or shorts, oxford shirt, cap with team logo. Female - Knee-length skirt or Jeans, team logo tattoos on cheek, Pom Pom.

Alumni
Up North:
Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.

Down South:
Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

Campus Decor
Up North:
Statues of Founding Fathers.

Down South:
Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen
Up North:
Also a physics major.

Down South:
Also Miss USA.

Heroes
Up North:
Mario Cuomo.

Down South:
“Bear” Bryant.

Getting Tickets
Up North:
5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.

Down South:
5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
Up North:
Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.

Down South:
Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

Parking
Up North:
An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South:
RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

Game Day
Up North:
A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

Down South:
Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating
Up North:
Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

Down South:
30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

Getting To The Stadium
Up North:
You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.

Down South:
When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.

Concessions
Up North:
Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.

Down South:
Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When The National Anthem Is Played
Up North:
Stands are less than half full.

Down South:
80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

The Smell In The Air After The First Score
Up North:
Nothing changes.

Down South:
Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)
Up North:
“Nice play.”

Down South:
“Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

Commentary (Female)
Up North:
“My, this is a violent sport.”

Down South:
“Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

After The Game
Up North:
The stadium is empty before the game ends.

Down South:

Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s party.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record    9-6    .600
Season Record        91-27     .771

Last week was a rough one for the picker. Lots of losers turned into winners in close games.
Did get the Texas Tech upset right!

Louie’s Losers

LSU loses to No. 1 Bama
Saban knows how to win in Baton Rouge. Dun it before!

Va Tech loses at home to Maryland
Hope I’m wrong on this one Redneck Ron!

NC State loses to Duke
Can’t say this in most years except in basketball.

Vandy loses to Florida
Vandy covers the spread

North Texas loses to Fla Atlantic
In the battle of the best losers

Clemson loses to Fla State
Seminoles war dance on the Tigers

Kentucky loses to Georgia
Dawgs are down after Fla game, but not that down

NC loses to Ga Tech
Tar Heels are upset at the Hill

Texas A&M loses to Oklahoma
Kyle Field can’t even help the Aggies in this bet the double-wide game.

Baylor loses to Texas
Closer than many think it will be!

Okla State loses to Texas Tech
Red Raiders roll continues

Virginia loses to Wake Forest
Close one!

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

If you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Redneck Ramblins

1. Too bad most houses now don’t have porches. A good porch sittin’ could take everybody’s mind of this election and economy. Besides takin’ the edge off, you might actually get to know yer neighbors.
2. Taken a couple of trips in the last several weeks to Topeka to visit an ailin’ mother-in-law. I know one thing for sure – Oklahoma roads suck!
3. I am sick and tired of “Stock Analysts”. They are punks that sit in offices in New York City and figure how much money a company should make so that they hit their portfolio earnings for the quarter. Then the poor ole company CEO has to hit that number or the company’s stock crater. “The company reported record sales and earnings today, but they did not hit analyst’s expectations, so the stock went down 10%.” Male bovine excrement!! No wonder companies cheat.
4. Insurance companies should be required to pay claims within 30 days. They are notorious for withholding payment to doctors, hospitals, and you and me, because they “question” something or just outright deny the claim. You wonder why health care is so expensive. Just try being a day late with y’alls premium payment and see what happens.
5. Just heard that Auburn is changing their names from the Tigers to Possums because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
6. Notice that gas prices aren’t coming down as fast as they went up.
7. Did you know that 12 of the 18 provinces in Iraq have been turned over to Iraqi government control? Didn’t think so. Dang liberal US media doesn’t want you to know. Got this out of the UK off that internet that Gore invented.
8. Vote all the bums out! And I approve this message.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

This was actually printed in a newspaper?

And I thought “No” would win in a landslide!

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of redneck Hiker Daniel)

**Virus Alert**

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Redneck Picture of the Week  (compliments of Redneck Phil)

Racin’ at Hotlanta!

Everybody was slipping and sliding Sunday in Atlanta. They all were slideways the entire race. Poor ole Cousin Carl Edwards goes out and wins the race only to find out that Jimmie Johnson came back from a lap down and 30th place to finish 2nd. That’s what champions do!!

Racin Picks of the Week – Texas - The Chase is On!

1. Cousin Carl Edwards
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Anybody else with Roush Racing

Ain’t True

Some say that this is police abuse. Ain’t true!! Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!!

Some “dirtbag” in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.  Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.  A state-wide manhunt ensued.  The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:

“That’s all the bullets we had!”
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

Redneck Song of the Week

“Redneck Girl” – Bellamy Brothers

Redneck Video of the Week: (Compliments of my redneck son)

Fishing Down South (Way Down South in Australia)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Redneck Test

This test really can’t be cheated on… either you know the answers or you don’t.   Yankees may score a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+.   If you score over 30, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.

1. How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2. What was the number and color of Richard Petty’s cars?
3. Bill Dance is good at what?
4. What university does Bill Dance root for?
5. Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6. After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7. In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block  V8?
8. A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin’ language?
9. What is a chigger?
10. What is scrapple?
11. Where is “The Redneck Riviera”?
12. What’s that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13. What follows logically?  Johnson, Mercury,_______________.
14. What’s the common name for a bowfin?
15. If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16. Who sang “Your Cheatin’ Heart”?
17. What are grits made out of?
18. Who was nicknamed “The Bear”
19. Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20. What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21. Who was Andy Taylor’s love interest?
22. What are the radio station call letters that carries “The Grand  Ol’ Opry”?
23. Where would you find Vidalia County?
24. What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25. What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26. How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27. When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28. What is a scuppernong?
29. Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30. Why do you want to eat “high on the hog”?
31. What color is a John Deere?
32. What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33. What will you harvest when you plant “shade”?

Answers:

1. 7
2. 43, red and blue
3. Fishin’
4. University of Tennessee
5. University of Georgia
6. Hard peanuts
7. 283
8. French
9. A red bug (small parasite)
10. A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11. Panama City, FL
12. Spanish moss
13. Evinrude
14. Mudfish
15. Nothing.  A steer has been castrated.
16. Hank Williams
17. Corn
18. Paul Bryant
19. Because of the pollen
20. “The Recipe”
21. Helen
22. WSM
23. Georgia
24. Calf roping
25. Mandolin
26. 5
27. The same thing
28. A wild grape
29. Yes
30. Because that’s where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
31. Green
32. Another trick animal husbandry question.  Mules are generally sterile.
33. Tobacco

Ah heck. I scored 31. I guess I have to tell Mrs. Redneck we’s moving to the trailer park.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record    16-2    .889
Season Record               82-21    .796

I am 29-2 since I started picking the losers versus the winners, so on we go……………

Louie’s Losers

Ark St loses to Bama

Saban’s boys don’t run up the score.

Clemson loses to Boston College

Tigers get beaned in Boston

Georgia loses to Florida

The dawgs may want some cocktails after the World’s Largest Cocktail Party

Ga Tech loses to Florida St

Yellow Jackets get stung in a close one

Syracuse loses to Louisville

Orangemen lose at home

Tulane loses to LSU

The battle of the bayou

Miami loses to Virginia

Mild upset of the week

Auburn loses to Ole Miss

Tigers can’t win at home and certainly not on the road

Kentucky loses to Miss St

Wildcats slain in Starkville

Baylor loses to Mizzou

Gotta like what’s going on in Waco, but MU has more talent

Nebraska loses to Oklahoma

Honestly, I wish they could both lose

UAB loses to So. Miss

Blazers beat themselves

Texas loses to Texas Tech

Longhorns leave Lubbock in their rearview mirror losers. Upset of the week!

Texas A&M loses to Colorado

This will be a good game decided in the final minute

Duke loses to Wake Forest

Demons dunk Duke

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

If you’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Redneck Ramblin’s

1. Ya know how to keep Auburn players out of your yard? Put a goal post in it.
2. Why is it when people talk about something going bad they say that it went south. When I go South, it is a good thing!
3. It would be even better if all the Yankees went North!
4. Politicians like to rob Peter to pay Paul. I am tired of being Peter all of the time. Let’s rob Paul to pay Peter just once!
5. What a tragedy! Two Auburn students were killed this week raking leaves. Yep. They fell out of the tree.
6. Does anybody really care about the love lives of celebrities? Talk about something important like racin’, college football, and the War of Northern Aggression!
7. A recent poll showed that 91% said that the political debates had not changed their minds about which candidate they would vote for. Then why the heck have the stupid things?
8. Guessing that Osama bin Laden will be caught in the next week or so just in time for the election.
9. Some people want the federal gummit to do everything for them. No wonder we are so screwed up.
10. Common sense ain’t too common anymore.
11. Many people went to college, but did not get an education. Never let school get in the way of an education.
12. The media has already elected the next president.
13. Please vote. If you don’t, you do not have the right to gritch about the results for the next four years.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Suit against God thrown out over lack of address

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) - A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator’s lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn’t properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

“Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice,” Polk wrote.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, thinks he’s found a hole in the judge’s ruling.

“The court itself acknowledges the existence of God,” Chambers said Wednesday. “A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God’s omniscience.” Therefore, Chambers said, “Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit.”

Chambers has 30 days to decide whether to appeal. He said he hasn’t decided yet.
Chambers, who has served a record 38 years in the Nebraska Legislature, is not returning next year because of term limits. He skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians.

And who elects these fools?

Redneck Joke of the Week

1. It has an aquarium – only it’s stocked with live minnows.
2. The town newspaper is published monthly.
3. The town is named after everyone’s distant relative.
4. It was founded on April Fools’ Day as a practical joke.
5. The Ice Cream Store has only two flavors – vanilla & chocolate.
6. There is no hospital – only a first aid kit.
7. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down Main Street.
8. There is no bank – as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave town.
9. The only traffic jam is caused when a farmer drives down Main on his combine.
10. The local phone book has only one yellow page.
11. Hardware, dry goods, grocery, clothing, and farm supplies are sold in the same store.
12. Third street is on the edge of town.
13. You don’t use turn signals because everyone knows where you are going anyway..
14. No social events are scheduled when the school gym is being varnished.
15. You call a wrong number and they give you the correct one.
16. Everyone knows the news before it’s published.
17. People only read the paper to see if the publisher got the fact right.
18. The city limit signs are both on the same post.
19. The 7-Eleven is only open from 8 – 5.
20. The only road crossing Main is a dirt road.
21. The New Year’s baby was born in October.
22. There is no place to go that you shouldn’t.
23. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba’s 6 Pack Abs

Yep them cans are tattooed on there! Even the plastic thingee that holds ‘em together.

Note that even though this guy was a Dale Jr fan when he drove the Bud car and has a 6 pack of cans tattoo, Bubba is drinking Coors light in a bottle.
Duh?

Racin Picks of the Week – Hot ‘Lanta- The Chase is On!

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Dale Jr.
3. Jeff Gordon

Ain’t True

11-Year-Old Leads Police on High-Speed Chase in Foster Mom’s Car
WASHINGTON, Pa. — An 11-year-old who stole his foster mother’s car led police on a high-speed chase through western Pennsylvania, striking a cruiser and slamming into a utility pole, officials said.

The boy’s guardian notified police that he was missing Sunday evening. Minutes later, the boy was spotted on a suburban road about 25 miles southwest of Pittsburgh.

Police say the boy drove up to 85 mph westbound on Interstate 70, swerving wildly between lanes. He got off the highway briefly, only to get back on going eastbound.
Officials say he then exited the interstate, hit a police cruiser and smashed into a utility pole.

The boy suffered a head injury that was not life-threatening.

The above story is true, but it is not true that Joe Gibbs has already signed him to a developmental driver contract.

Redneck Song of the Week

I know you were standing at attention when this was played.

Redneck Video of the Week: (Compliments of DK, The WVA Ridgerunner)

http://mybeautifulamerica.com/BeautifulDixie.htm

Makes me miss down home…………

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Chemistry    (compliments of Redneck Bill)

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record    13-0    1.000
Season Record        66-19    ,776

Last week I was perfect pickin’ the losers. So it continues………………

Louie’s Losers

Auburn Loses to West VA

It was reported that Auburn head football coach Tommy Tuberville will only be dressing twenty players for this game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

NC St Loses to Maryland

Terps are trouble for the Wolfpack.

Wake Forest Loses to Miami

Hurricanes hurt the Deamons.

Boston College Loses to NC

Close but no cigar for BC

A&M Loses to Iowa St

The battle for the bottom of the Big 12

Kentucky Loses to Florida

Gators win in the swamp.

Arkansas Loses to Ole Miss

Close game to the Rebels

Duke Loses to Vandy

A brain game

SMU Loses to Navy

Mustangs sunk by the Midshipmen

Tennessee Loses to Bama

Great rivalry game in the SEC. Bama barely beats the Vols.

Okla St Loses to Texas

Team dressed in orange will win this one.

LSU Loses to Georgia

Upset special of the week. Tigers get bit by the dawgs.

Kansas State Loses to Oklahoma

Bet the double-wide on this one.

VA Tech Loses to Florida State

Semiholes beat Beamer

Wyoming Loses to TCU

Horned Frogs frolic

Baylor Loses to Nebraska

Huskers to strong for the Baptist

Kansas Loses to Texas Tech

The air will be full of footballs.

Middle Tennessee Loses to Miss. St.

Won’t be a lot of offense in this one.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Redneck Ramblins

1. Vote all the bums out of office and I approve of this message.
2. I am old enough to remember when:
   • there was sportsmanship in sports
   • the democrats were the conservative party
   • pro ballplayers needed other jobs during the off season
   • network prime time shows were worth watchin’
3. Y’all probably noticed the ‘Ads by Google’ on this page. Well, we earned nuff income so far for the RC. Next month, we be hopin’ for the Moon Pie. Ye ain’t gotta buy anything, but click on the ads. There is some neat stuff thar!
4. Did you hear about the two Auburn students who died in the cafeteria last week? They were trying to get milk and the cow fell on them.
5. AIG stands for Arrogant Ignorant Goobers
6. Hey feds, I want $85 billion so that I can throw a $440,000 party. I have lots of rowdy friends that are coming over tonight!
7. What oughta happen is that the AIG execs have to pay the company back every penny except $ 100 per night hotel, $30 a day for food, and $ 30 per round of golf. That’s what normal working redneck stiffs pay ‘cause that’s all we can afford or allowed by our employers.
8. IRA stands for Irreversible Reducing Account
9. It’s all my fault. I decided to retire and the market crashed. My bad!
10. They oughta have ‘em debates in the Deep South. It is so dry thar that the candidates couldn’t make mud to sling.
11. The candidates want change. I already have it. It’s all that’s left of the IRA.
12. Don’t y’all just get a kick out of watching the congressional hearings of the financial dudes. Where the congressmen are railing the execs for bad financial decisions and frivolous spending. Where I come from we say that is the pot calling the kettle black.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

Some people have said that King Richard doesn’t have any experience in Washington. Ain’t true. Lookie here…………..looks right at home if you ask me!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

10-year-old driver flips van in Tenn.
Oct. 7, 2008 10:08 AM
Associated Press

A 10-year-old was driving up to 90 mph when he crashed a van carrying a man who told police he had drank at least 15 beers and a woman who was trying to swallow as many pills as she could when deputies arrived at the scene, Tennessee authorities said Tuesday.

The young driver lost control and the vehicle rolled, coming to rest on its top in northeastern Tennessee, Sullivan County authorities said. The two adults and three children in the van were taken to Bristol Memorial Hospital with minor injuries following Sunday’s crash.

Police charged 43-year-old Randy Lewis of Bristol with seven violations, including third offense DUI and felony reckless endangerment. People can be charged with DUI in Tennessee if they own the vehicle, even if they are not driving. A booking photo released by the Sheriff’s Office showed Lewis wearing a T-shirt that said, “Buy this dad a beer.” Paula Elaine Evans, who is 38 and also of Bristol, faces charges that include aggravated child abuse or neglect.

Lewis and Evans were being held in the Sullivan County Jail after a judge increased their bonds on Tuesday to $50,000 each at an arraignment hearing.

County jailers did not know if Lewis and Evans had retained attorneys and no one was immediately available to answer questions at the Sullivan County Public Defender’s office.

The sheriff’s office said Lewis acknowledged drinking liquor besides the beers.

The children - two 10-year-olds and a 6-year-old - were related to the adults, said authorities who declined to further detail the relationships.

The children were released to the Tennessee Children’s Services Department after being treated at the hospital.

Another example of “excellent parenting”. Oh, boy!!

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Bill)

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water across the lake on their 21st birthday.  On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat …. and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?’

Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, ‘Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb &#*@.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Huntin’ Dog

Racin Picks of the Week – Martinsville -The Chase is On!

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Tony Stewart
3. Ryan Newman

Ain’t True

This week somebody leaked a view at Jeff Burton’s new ride for 2009

The colossal Caterpillar 793 is one of the coolest pieces of heavy machinery on the planet. Traditionally powered by immense 16-cylinder engines churning out over 2000 HP, we’re now being told by Caterpillar that a new electric-drive version is on the way. But don’t think that means it’s going soft. The new 793F AC can carry about 250 tons of junk in its trunk, and that’s just the entry-level model. The burly 795F AC can take about 400 tons. That’s like having Arnold Schwarzenegger possessed by Al Gore…all while on horse steroids.

But it ain’t true. It don’t fit the templates at inspection……………..

Redneck Song of the Week

Waylon Jennings…Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way

Redneck Video of the Week

Bookmark this page:
http://www.fs.fed.us/conf/conditions/btb-streaming-2-north.htm
This is a live webcam atop Brasstown Bald (highest point in GA). Great fall shots!

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Redneck Economics

(compliments of my Redneck Retirement Financial Planner)

I was explaining to my youngin’s my investment strategy, why money can’t buy happiness, and some basic stock market definitions. Like the following:

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no “fun”.

BROKER — What my financial advisor has made me.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor who mistakes himself for a financial genius.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Former investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

In light of recent events, the Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill………

(Thanks to my redneck buddy, Tim Bob, for this pitcher………….)

It is all about perspective…

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.   But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        6-7     .462
Season Record             53-19    .736

The whole football world went weird this past week and the redneck prognostications were a wreck. The predictin’ machine is back in the shop, so this week I am pickin’ the losers

Louie’s Losers

NC State loses to Fla St

The only Coach Bowden (the oldest one) left wins this one

Wake Forest loses to Maryland

Great game played in MD. It’ll be close one too!

Clemson loses to Ga Tech

Clemson loses its coach and this game

Memphis loses to E. Carolina

EC has to regain its winning form sometime

Duke loses to Miami

Duke is good, but the thugs win

Va Tech loses to Boston College

Wished this one was being played in VA.

Syracuse loses to So. Fla

Bet yer double-wide game of the week.

Miss St loses to Tennessee

It will be close and don’t be surprised with an upset in this one.

Ole Miss loses to Bama

Bama might not cover the spread though.

Vandy loses to Georgia

The dawgs have trouble but win.

Texas A&M loses to Texas Tech

Red Raiders romp

Arkansas loses to KY

Hogs give one away

S Carolina loses to LSU

LSU is embarrassed after last week and will not lose two in a row.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Bless his heart, he is so poor he can’t pay attention”
- Said by many to all retired rednecks

Redneck Ramblins

1. Y’all know that Mrs. Redneck is not an uppidty woman. She don’t like to talk ‘bout it, but little known fact that she does have a live-in maid, live-in cook, live-in landscaper, live-in maintaince man, and live-in chauffer. Sure glad that she let’s me live-in!
2. Looks like A-fraud has done for the Yankees what he did for the Rangers all those years. No playoffs again.
3. The MLB playoffs with no NY teams? Hell Yeah!!
4. Is it just a coincidence that homers are way down this year and so was steroid use?
5. I wish I was a dog and everyone in congress was a tree. They were investigatin’ performance enhancing drugs in baseball when they should’ve been investigatin’ Wall Street. Time to throw all the bums out!
6. Who’s gonna bail out the airline industry, auto manufacturers, bakeries……me?
7. I jest figured it out! The politicians are trying to screw up our economy so bad that it will solve the immigration problem. All ‘em illegal aliens will go home because it will be better there.
8. I wuz watchin’ some of the bail out stuff on TV the other night and had deju moo. Yep, that’s when you’ve heard this bull before.
9. Back in the day, we didn’t live as high on the hog, and I swear we were happier.
10. Now that we are fixin’ the economy, let’s pay preachers, teachers, policemen, firemen, and our service people what they are really worth! Same goes for politicians and CEO’s.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

The STP candidate:

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Hospital tells grandfather, 71, that he’s pregnant

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - A patient treated for agonizing abdominal pain received this surprising news in the hospital’s paperwork: “Based on your visit today, we know you are pregnant.” Surprising indeed for 71-year-old John Grady Pippen.

The staff at Curry General Hospital in Gold Beach gave the retired mechanic and logger the ridiculously happy news this month, along with some pain pills.

Hospital administrator William McMillan says an errant keystroke caused the hospital’s computer to spit out the wrong discharge instructions for the grandfather.

Yepper, we have us a health care crisis!

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my wannabe redneck buddy, Yankee Frank)

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into
the bank’s underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Alabama Redneck replied, “Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Please Tell Me This Will Never Happen

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/biztech/10/01/volt.car.nascar/index.html

Racin’ at ‘Dega

Dega is known for the big one and Sunday the big one happened twice. Really screwed up 10 of the chasers’ day and wiped out half of the field. You think that was bad, check out the big one in 1960 at Daytona that involved 37 cars. They just kept a wreckin’.

Racin Picks of the Week – Lowes Motor Speedway -The Chase is On!

1. Tony “Smoke” Stewart
2. Kasey “Pretty Boy” Kahne
3. Travis “Doing More with Less” Kvapil

Ain’t True

I didn’t check Snopes or Hoax busters to see if this actually works or if it’s a scam or hoax (pronounced hoe axe in the Deep South) cause I received this from my Redneck Bud, Bullseye. He is usually on target with this kinda stuff.

It has been said that…..
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
You should spray yourself with some Windex immediately…..
It’ll keep you from streaking.

Ooops!. The neighbor lady’s screaming. Must be a hoax!

Redneck Song of the Week

Gretchen Wilson - Redneck Woman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L30V5vnYHzk

Hell yeah! Makes a feller’s heart go pitty patter don’t it.

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck Fishing Tournament
(they bees Rednecks all over)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: (compliments of Redneck Tim)

Texas Geography & Other Interesting Facts

1. Beaumont to El Paso – 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago – 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World’s first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. (it was damaged just a touch by hurricane Ike)
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America’s only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalepeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in US history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
11. The first word spoken on the moon was “Houston”.
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical storm Claudette brought a US rainfall record of 43” in 24 hours in Alvin in July 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the US by treaty (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the US Flag and may divide into 5 states.
15. A live oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be over 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Dublin, TX has the oldest and only Dr Pepper bottling company that is still working and producing the original Dr Pepper.
19. Texas has had 6 capital cities: Washington-on-the-Brazos; Harrisburg; Galveston; Velasco; West Columbia; and Austin.
20. The Capitol dome in Austin is the only dome in the US that is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, DC – by 7 feet.
21. The name ‘Texas’ comes from the Hasini Indian word ‘tejas’ meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
22. The state mascot is the armadillo. Interesting bit of trivia about the ‘dillo is they always have 4 babies. They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.
23. The first domed stadium in the US was the Astrodome in Houston.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record       9-4    .692
Season Record        47-12    .797

Louisville over Memphis

Cardinals BBQ Memphis

Auburn assails Arkansas

Tigers grease the pigs.

Boise St mashes So. Miss

At least this one won’t be played on that terrible blue field

E. Carolina barely over Virginia

EC wins by a FG

LSU gets by Gators

Upset special of the week.

GA bulldogs Tenn

Fulmer fumes again

KY scratches by Gamecocks of SC

The old ball coach loses a close one.

TAMU whips KSU Wildcats

Intra-family agro-game of the week. If Aggies win, I got the pick right. If KSU wins, we have bragging rights in the family. I win either way.

Sooners lasso Longhorns

Mack Brown can’t beat Oklahoma.

TX Tech nukes Nebraska

Too bad both teams can’t lose.

Tulsa smashes SMU

Bet the double-wide game of the week.

Vandy edges by Miss St

This will be a good one. How ‘bout Vandy beating Auburn last week for the first time since 1955?

WVA slaps Syracuse

Ridge runners run over Orangemen.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

- Jeff Foxworthy

Redneck Ramblins

1. I told Mrs. Redneck the other night that now that I don’t have to impress anybody anymore that I was going to grow a mullet. Mrs. Redneck let me know ratnow that this was not a good idea. She even gave me THE LOOK!
2. Since I have paid all of my bills on time, why do I feel like I am about to be screwed on the gummit buyout deal?
3. Who oversees the overseers?
4. It’s all about GREED!
   1. Corporate greed
   2. Shareholder greed
   3. Consumer greed – don’t buy somethin’ ya can’t pay fer!
5. I have time now that I am retired to play the gas market. Yep, I get to decide when to fill up the muscle car with premium.
6. I am glad that I am writing this blog. I have heard from folks that I haven’t heard from in years. Amazing when you dis their team how angry they get. No, Vince Jr, I will not kiss yours, because your butt’s in B’ham and I ain’t traveling. Same to Marilyn in Jax and her big toe.  Also to many, it is physically impossible to do that to myself.
7. As my redneck son reminded me, I knowed them lines before I drawed ‘em.
8. Everybody seems surprised that China is producing products that are crap and that are making kids sick, killing pets. Folks, they don’t have gummit regulations over there (no EPA, no OSHA, no labor laws) that would cost them millions and millions per plant. That’s how they produce it so cheap. And what is worse, is that they don’t care! Do not buy China junk – ‘course good luck buying almost anything anymore not made in China. My grandmamma used to say “You get what you pay for”.
9. Almost the same goes for Mexico. The recent scares in the veggie bidness? They irrigate their crops with sewage water (good fertilizer though) and then use non-potable water in the produce plants. Any wonder why e. coli and salmonella end up in yer food? Remember the saying “Don’t drink the water”? The big surprise to me was that our federal gummit took 6 whole weeks to figure it out.
10. Is there a bigger dummy than Josh Howard? Where else can an average basketball player make the millions he does? Hey, Josh, why don’t you take yer ignert butt someplaceelse. And folks want to know why I don’t watch the NBA? Same reason I don’t watch anything out of Hollywood.
11. Think gas cost a lot now? Wait until a hurricane does major damage to gulf petro facilities or someone shoots somebody’s camel in the Middle East.
12. The politicians should have included themselves in the Do Not Call list and I approve of this message.

Redneck Political News

I heard a guy on the radio today talking about “Petty” politics. I told you that the Petty campaign is getting noticed.

There is No Debate

Petty – Pearson ‘08

Do you think that McCain just caught Petty sneaking up on him?

Could Be Worse I Reckon

Passengers Forced to Get Out and Push Broken Airplane Off Runway

Friday , September 26, 2008

A budget Chinese airline took flying pains to a new level Thursday after it made passengers get out and help push their broken plane to the gate, the Daily Mail reported.

The CRJ7 plane, with 69 passengers and seven crew members on board, had just flown from Guilin in the south of China, to Zhengzhou, the capital of Henan province. The plane landed safely but then died before it could taxi to the arrivals terminal.

The staff could not push the airplane on its own, so the passengers were asked to pitch in. Even with the added muscle power, it took the group nearly two hours to get the plane off the runway.

“Thank God it was only a 20-ton medium-sized airplane,” one of the airport workers told the Daily Mail. “If it were a big plane, it would have knocked us out.”

My redneck friends at American assure me that this is not an idea for one of their new fees. It’s just another example of Chinese crap quality.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Inmate wins $295K because of moldy, smelly mattress

A jury ruled last week that a convicted felon should receive $295,000 because he was forced to sleep on a “wet, moldy and foul smelling” mattress at a prison in Wisconsin, The Smoking Gun reports.

Reggie Townsend, 29, is serving a 23-year sentence for his role in the shooting death of an 11-year-old girl.

The Wisconsin State Journal says jurors concluded that guards denied Townsend “the minimal civilized measure of life’s necessities.” “I think the jury was rightfully upset at the way the prisoners had been treated,” David Harth, his lawyer, tells the paper. “It wasn’t a one-off thing. It was what happened during a 60-day stay in segregation.”

The prison guard may appeal the ruling, according to the State Journal.

Even though I think that this is a huge waste of the judicial system’s time and effort, I am okay with the verdict as long as he gives the $295k to the 11-year-old victim’s family.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Doug)

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man , I have to give you something.”

“You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!”

Redneck Picture of the Week  (compliments of my redneck brother)

Alabama Smoke Detector

Set Yer Tivo!

“My Big Fat Redneck Wedding” (The Series)
CMT

Racin’ at Kansas

Gotta give to “Concrete” Carl Edwards for trying to beat JJ in that last lap. He went into turn 3 wide butt open and made the pass only to find the “concrete” wall.

Racin Picks of the Week – ‘Dega -The Chase is On!

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Elliott Sadler
3. Brian Vickers

Ain’t True

The dummies in Washington think that building a wall will solve our immigration problem. “It’s the economy stupid”, as they like to spout. The Mexican economy is so far worse than that in the USA that their people risk their very lives to enter this country. A wall will not stop them. They will just use the thousands of tunnels that they have already dug or ride in the back of a semi.

Maybe the dummies in Washington are to blame. They passed the legislation that makes us give the illegal aliens free education, freemedical care, drivers licenses, and other public assistance all without having to pay any taxes or insurance. What part of illegal do they not understand?

Maybe we oughta build a wall on the Canadian border! Them Canucks are really causing a problem, eh!

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Down Home” – Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck Amusement Park

Redneck Education Tip of the Week

Now that I have the time, I have written that book that I have always wanted to write. In fact I have written three. As a free gift for reading this blog, here they are in their entirety:

Business

“How to Make a Profit”
Sell it for more than it cost ya.

Sports

“How to Win”
Score more points than ‘em.

Diet

“How to Lose Weight”
Burn more calories than ya take in.

Durn Yankee publishers want 400 other pages of gobblygook before they will even print these.

Rebel Football Pickins

I had to send the Rebel Pickins crystal ball to the shop for recalibration after last week. I guess the equinox and/or full moon got it all caddywampus. It did, however, predict the “black-out” at Georgia!! Roll tide!!!

Didn’t it make you feel good that the Univ of Super Conceit got beat last week! Way to Ore St!!

Last Week Record    7-6    .538
Season Record      38-8    .826

S. Fla whoops Pitt

Speed kills!

Memphis over UAB

Memphis barbeques Blazers

Bama tames Ky Wildcats

Bama rolls!

Auburn barely beats Vandy

Tigers better be careful now, ya hear!

Florida hangs the Hogs

Upset by the upset last week, Gators bet their double-wides.

Fla International beats UNT

Gotta be the game with the worst teams this week.

Ga Tech beats Duke

Yellow Jackets engineer a win to make Blue Devils blue.

Fla State upsets Miami

Upset special of the week in a game only a warden could love

Ole Miss beats S. Carolina

Ole Ball Coach loses a close one

Okie State runs over Aggies

Aggie Band wins another halftime

Tx Tech thumps K. State

Wildcats have no defense. High scoring game

Tulane marches over Army

Cadets get no Southern hospitality

Va Tech defeat W. KY

This one will not be even close.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

“We really don’t care how you did it up North!”
- All rednecks

Redneck Ramblins

1. Gas at $4 is bad enough. You would think that the stations could now afford to put paper in pumps for receipts, change the water in the washer stations, get some new squeegees, and clean the restrooms.
2. Remember when gas was 20 cents and the nice guys, as they pumped your gas for you, checked your oil, battery, radiator, cleaned your windshield, and aired up the tires? And then they thanked you for business.
3. We don’t need more government regulation, we need corporate responsibility!
4. Tell me one thing besides war that the federal gummit can do better than private enterprise?
5. Come to think of it, if we told a redneck mercenary force that Osamba bin Laden was responsible for Dale Earnhardt’s death, he would be found by sundown.
6. Another Auburn grad died this week. This time at a pie eating contest. Yep, a cow stepped on him.
7. Ever seen a Florida State grad in a three piece suit without hearing “will the defendant please rise”?
8. Am I supposed to feel sorry for those that were told to evacuate or die and now refuse to leave a place that is uninhabitable?
9. The TV remote is a wonderful thing during election season and I approve of this message.
10. If NASCAR adopted the English only policy that the LPGA tried, there would be only 5-6 cars on the track each week. Them good ol’ boys ain’t bilingual.
11. Some people have asked why I don’t write this entire blog in Suthern. Well, some Yankees read this and I don’t want them to be confused with things like retard and retired.

What it is Like to be a Retired Redneck

Many have written to ask what retirement is like. Here is my weekly schedule:

Last week it rained on Tuesday and the power went out for four hours. I got behind and had to work on Friday, so this week I took a comp day.

Redneck Political News:

Tired of all the election goings ons? Don’t know who to vote fer?

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Woman faces charge after dishwashing dispute

Sep 15, 4:49 PM (ET)
FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) - Police say a 20-year-old woman faces an aggravated assault charge after she bit her boyfriend, broke a picture frame across his face and swung at him with a sword during an argument about him not doing the dishes.

The woman was arrested Thursday afternoon at the couple’s apartment, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported on its Web site.

The 21-year-old man told police that he became involved in an argument because the woman was upset that the dishes were not clean. Police Lt. Paul Henderson said the woman told the man to leave the apartment, but he refused.

Henderson said the woman then tried to physically remove the man. During the ensuing struggle, the woman bit the man’s right shoulder and broke a picture frame across his face, causing visible cuts, Henderson said.

The woman then grabbed an approximately 2-foot sword and swung it at him, but missed, police said.

The woman was released from a Mansfield jail after posting a $10,000 bond, jail officials said.

You still wundering why I do the dishes everyday???

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Rich J. – a yankee)

One morning three Alabama good old boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game.

The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket between them.

‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asked one of the Yankees.

‘Watch and learn,’ answered one of the boys from the South.

When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.

‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

‘Watch and learn,’ answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee’s bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’

There’s just no way on God’s green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Timeout

Set Yer Tivo!

New Dodge Challenger Test Drive
SPEED, September 27th at 6:30pm ET.

Racin’ at Dover:

Roush boys had ‘er dialed in at Dover finishing 1-2-3. This is the 7th time since 1997 that a team has had the top 3 finishers – 5 of them by the Roush team. In fact, one of them – Homestead 2005 – Roush finished 1-2-3-4. This is the second time this year a team has finished 1-2-3, the other being done by RCR at Bristol. Me and Mrs. Redneck were at that race! The only other time a non-Roush team did it was Hendrick’s boys at the Daytona 500 in ’97.

Racin Picks of the Week – Kansas - The Chase is On!

1. Clint “Home Boy” Bowyer (from Emporia, KS)
2. Greg “Can he make it 3 in a row” Biffle
3. David “The Roo” Reutimann

Ain’t True

Even though Snopes.com did not investigate this, I did some real deep searching to find out if John McCain helped develop the blackberry.

This is false, although he is almost old enough to have been around when God invented the juicy little berries. Them berries is good in cobblers.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Rednecks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer” – Johnny Russell
Nominated for Grammy Award in 1973

Redneck Video of the Week:

Bocephus (Hank Jr.) “Country Boy Can Survive”

We might get an opportunity to prove this if the economy doesn’t get better soon!

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        11-1    .917
Season Record            31-2    .939

Clemson thumps Terrapins

Clemson rubs the rock at home to mush Maryland

Miami mauls NC

NC is blue again after another close one.

Florida mashes Ole Miss

In the swamp, the Gators are tuff.

Auburn barely beats Rocky Tops

Another great SEC game and the Tigers thank God that they are home.

E. Carolina humbles Houston

EC rebounds for victory after OT upset last week.

Wake Forest sinks Navy

Devils defy defeat to remain unbeaten.

Kentucky klobbers W. Kentucky

Intrastate game of the week.

SC skates by UAB

The ole ball coach wins easily.

LSU bullies Miss St Bulldogs

The bet yer double-wide game of the week.

Texas A&M over Army

Corps win ugly over Cadets. Best bet is that Aggie Band wins yet another halftime.

NC State upsets S. Fla

Riding high from OT upset of EC, NC State does it again.

Bama beats Dawgs

Upset special of the week. Saban’s boys win between the hedges.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

– Retired rednecks everywhere.

Redneck Ramblins

1. I told you I didn’t like Ike!
2. To me there are no bad kids, but I can’t say the same for their parents.
3. On Friday the 5th, I became a grandscoutmaster again. Greg & Julie Stone welcomed Emily into the world. I have loss count of how many grandscoutchildren that I have now. It’s a bunch. But I do know one thing — they all have great parents.
4. Last Thursday, Auburn University announced that they had to close their library. Someone colored all the pages in their only book.
5. It is really amazing what you can think of when your mind is clear of all that work stuff.
6. Work is way overrated and is now a four letter word for me.

Redneck Political News:

Tired of all the election goings ons? Don’t know who to vote for?

Lookie here…

….were gaining traction here

Are You Elitist or Redneck?

http://www.star-telegram.com/245/story/903297.html

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) - A man with four previous drunken driving convictions who was stopped for weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 40 was ready with an excuse for his poor driving: his passenger spilled his beer.

Not surprisingly, the man was arrested just before midnight Saturday, said state police officer Kurtis Ward, who said he initially thought the driver was joking.

“He was so matter of fact about it, like it wasn’t a big deal,” Ward said.

The 31-year-old man was allegedly too drunk to perform field sobriety tests and was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges, court records said.

Ward found four opened bottles of beer in the car, court records showed.

It was the man’s sixth DWI arrest. He had been found guilty of four of five previous drunken driving charges and has paid $1,750 in fines, the DWI Resource Center said.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Ron)

Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Bubba gets in line, and when it’s his turn the preacher asks: ‘Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you?’

Bubba replies:
‘Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.’

The preacher