Archive for 2008

Issue #18

Redneck Ramblins

1. Happy New Year!
2. No matter what happened in ’08 that wasn’t great and ’09 might not be so fine, we still have been blessed and have much to be thankful for.
3. We get so wrapped up in making a living that we forget to live life.
4. Dallas Cowboys owner needs to fire his general manager.
5. The Cowboys are the shining example of a team with tons of talent that isn’t a team.
6. After spending some time in Kansas over Christmas, I will take some global warming. Beats the heck out of global cooling.
7. Besides, if it warmed up in the North, then the Yankees could stay there instead of moving South.
8. There is a leak in Washington. It is in the common sense bucket!
9. Always do the right thing.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Police Report
True story: Told by the Jacksonville, FL driver at his first AA meeting

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

Redneck Joke of the Week

1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
3. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of” (Love it!)
6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.
7. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized ” Wheeling ” washtub.
10. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
11. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the collection plates are really hubcaps from a’56 Chevy
12. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if .. the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks
14. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.
15. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.
16. You know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Picture of My Birthday Cake This Past Week

Racin’

Ain’t True

Dead man receives calls in grave
Published: Dec. 21, 2008 at 3:02 PM

NEW YORK, Dec. 21 (UPI) — New York defense lawyer John Jacobs continues to receive voice-mail messages three years after he was buried with his beloved cell phone.
Jacobs’ family buried him with his fully charged Motorola T720 phone after he died of pancreatic cancer, the New York Post reported Sunday.
His wife, Marian Seltzer, also a defense lawyer, continues to pay his monthly $55 phone bill and his cell number is etched into his gravestone under the words “Rest in Peace.”
The first call after death came during the funeral from Jacobs’ son, Simon. “The poor grave diggers. I thought they’d have a heart attack,” Seltzer said.
Seltzer and her two sons, who regularly leave messages, hear this when they dial his number: “Hi. You’ve reached the voice mail of John Jacobs. After you hear the beep, leave a voice mail and I will return your call.”
Seltzer said she keeps her husband up to date on sports news and how their sons are doing.
“Some people talk to God,” Seltzer said. “I talk to my deceased husband.”

Ain’t true that he is picking up his messages though…

Redneck Song of the Week:

Jason Michael Carroll “Where I’m From”

Redneck Video of the Week:

Happy New Year! Enjoy the fireworks………………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9uL8iRL6nI

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Economics

(compliments of Redneck Leslie)

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        7 – 2    .778
Season Record                 152 – 51    .749

Louie’s Losers

Humanitarian Bowl
Nevada loses to Maryland

Texas Bowl
W Mich loses to Rice

Holiday Bowl
Oregon loses to Okie State

Armed Forces Bowl
Air Force loses to Houston

Sun Bowl
Pitt loses to Oregon St

Music City Bowl
Vandy loses to Boston College

Insight Bowl
Minnesota loses to Kansas

Chick-Fil-A Bowl
LSU loses to Ga Tech

Outback Bowl
S Carolina loses to Iowa

Gator Bowl
Nebraska loses to Clemson

Capital One Bowl
Mich St loses to Georgia

Rose Bowl
Penn State loses to USC

Orange Bowl
Cincy loses to Va Tech

Cotton Bowl
Ole Miss loses to Texas Tech

Liberty Bowl
KY loses to East Carolina

Sugar Bowl
Utah loses to Bama

International Bowl
UConn loses to Buffalo

Fiesta Bowl
Ohio State loses to Texas
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

I think it better to do right, even if we suffer in so doing, than to incur the reproach of our consciences and posterity.
Robert E. Lee

Issue #17

Redneck Ramblins

1. Merry Christmas!
2. Slow down and appreciate the reason for the season.
3. Pray for our troops.
4. Most networks have 5 ex-jocks and/or ex-coaches in the studio for NFL broadcasts. Most of them add nothing of value and are not even entertaining. Get rid of them!
5. How do you steal $50 billion in a ponzi scheme that lasted for years and years? The SEC must have overseers that are as blind as SEC refs.
6. How do you steal $50 billion and only get home detention? A normal person would be under the jail.
7. Of course the largest ponzi scheme ever known to man is call the Social Security System.
8. We bailed out the entire financial, mortgage, and banking industries and people still cannot get credit? What good did that do? Can anyone tell me where all that money went?
9. Hey Charles Barkley. Syracuse interviewed Turner Gill first and then hired another coach before Auburn did. Why are they not racist? Auburn didn’t deserve him. He is too good a person and coaches for the right reason.
10. Ever notice that restaurant and store employees park right next to the front door so that their customers have to walk a long way. Back in the day that didn’t happen, but back in the day there was a thing called customer service.
11. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ, but it was His death that really saved us. He took all of our debts to the cross with him and gave us the ultimate bailout. Thank you, Jesus!!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Nagging wife, sausage help man win $4.2M lottery
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) — A “nagging” wife who pushed her husband to buy a lottery ticket helped scoop the $4.2 million ($7.7 million New Zealand dollar) first prize – with only minutes to spare. The man from New Zealand’s biggest city, Auckland, bought his ticket just two minutes before ticket sales closed Saturday night.

“My wife had been nagging me all week to get a ticket, so I when saw the Lotto sign … I sprinted in to get the ticket before they closed,” said the man, who asked not to be identified – normal practice among lottery winners in New Zealand .

“I must have been their last customer of the night,” he said, adding that the young married couple had had a “rough” couple of years, reduced to one income after having children.

“I have never been so glad to listen to my wife’s nagging,” the man said Tuesday.

He discovered their newly won fortune Sunday thanks to his wife’s request for a barbecued sausage.

Out shopping for bargains, the man said he didn’t have enough money to buy his wife the sausage she’d asked him for. So he decided to check his Saturday lottery ticket in case he’d won a small prize.

“I could not believe it when they said I was actually the big winner,” he said.

When he showed the printout to his wife, she initially thought they had won $4,200 (NZ$7,700).

“When she realized how much it really was, she fell to the floor, and then said: ‘but all I wanted was a sausage.’”

I guess nagging wives are good for something………………Not that Mrs. Redneck is a nagger. No way!!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Retirement Explained………………..

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Mrs. Redneck thinks that I am nuts, but I found the ’96 Michigan race on some sports network and I watched the whole race. It was cool seeing the old cars, drivers, and sponsors. And it helped the withdrawal symptoms too!

Ain’t True

Actor cuts his own throat in scene after fake knife replaced
Imagine watching an actor on stage performing a suicide scene, only to have the fake knife turn out to be a real one and the blood you see squirting from his neck is real, too.

That’s what happened in Vienna, Austria, recently to actor Daniel Hoevels who cut his own throat with what was supposed to be a blunt stage knife. It wasn’t. Police say somehow the fake knife was replaced with a real one and Hoevels, his neck slashed and bleeding, was taken to a hospital.

It all happened in front of a thrilled audience that didn’t know what they were watching was real.

Police are investigating whether the switch was intentional. Could another actor have taken jealousy to an almost murderous pitch?

Ain’t true that acting bidness is that cut throat ……………….

Redneck Song of the Week:

Mrs. Redneck and I
Wish You a Merry Christmas

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Water Conservation

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Poetry

A NASCAR CHRISTMAS…

I’m not sure who wrote this, it is rather dated.
But I thought I’d still share since it’s Nascar related.

Twas the Race before Christmas and all through the track
Each driver was ready to make his attack.
The tires had been stacked by the pit crew with care
With hopes none of them would run out of air.
The drivers were belted all snug in their seats
Where visions of checkered flags looked mighty sweet.

Thanked all his sponsors and took the cash too
Stole a kiss from the trophy girl, and then off he flew
As he sped out of sight, one last cry did they hear.
“Merry Christmas to all, better luck next year!”

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        2– 3    .400
Season Record                 145-49    .739

Bowl season hasn’t started out too good. I will see if I can do better…………….

Ponsettia Bowl
Boise St loses to TCU

Hawaii Bowl
Notre Dame loses to Hawaii

Motor City Bowl
Fla Atlantic loses to Central Michigan

Meineke Car Care Bowl
NC loses to WVA

Champs Sports Bowl
Wisconsin loses to Fla State

Emerald Bowl
Miami loses to California

Independence Bowl
N. Illinois loses to LA Tech

Papajohns.com Bowl
NC State loses to Rutgers

Alamo Bowl
Northwestern loses to Mizzou

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

I have been up to see the Congress and they do not seem to be able to do anything except to eat peanuts and chew tobacco, while my army is starving.
–Robert E. Lee

Guess some things never change…………..

Issue #16

Redneck Ramblins

1. 81 on Sunday and 28 on Monday. Gotta love Texas weather! Still better than anywhere up North, plus our cold will last just several days not for months.
2. A recent poll said that 63% of Americans want a playoff system to determine NCAA division 1 football champion. The other 37% must be bowl officials or not football fans.
3. I hear that congress is going to bailout Detroit. That’s a great thing. The Lions certainly need it.
4. Oprah 200 lbs. That’s all?
5. GM = general mess
6. Did you notice that the player with the most first place votes did not win the Heisman? He came in third.
7. Auburn hired Iowa State’s coach. Gene Chizik, 5-19 in two years at Iowa State, isn’t the answer if he cannot recruit in the SEC. He promptly dismissed all of Tuberville’s coaching staff when he arrived in Auburn for the first time Sunday afternoon. Chizik was Auburn’s defensive coordinator four years ago. Oh boy!!
8. Bush dodged two shoes thrown by an Iraqi reporter. Shoot, he has been dodging more than that from the Democrats for 8 years.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

ll. Gov Blagojevich arrested on corruption charges

Tue Dec 9, 2008 10:44am EST

CHICAGO (Reuters) – Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested on criminal charges on Tuesday, including trying to sell the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by fellow Democrat President-elect Barack Obama, federal prosecutors said.

Blagojevich was also accused of threatening to withhold substantial state assistance to the Tribune Company in connection with the sale of the Chicago Cubs’ baseball home Wrigley Field “to induce the firing of Chicago Tribune editorial board members sharply critical” of him.

The 51-year-old Blagojevich and his chief of staff, John Harris, were charged in a 76-page federal indictment with conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery. Both were taken into custody at their homes in Chicago.

In Illinois, the governor selects a successor when there is a mid-term Senate vacancy. Obama resigned from the Senate soon after winning the November 4 presidential election.

Blagojevich allegedly was caught on court-authorized wiretaps during the last month.

He was seeking a “substantial” salary for himself at a nonprofit foundation or union affiliated organization, a spot on a corporate board for his wife, promises of campaign cash, as well as a cabinet post or ambassadorship in exchange for his Senate choice, the FBI affidavit added.

Blagojevich, in his second term, is the latest in a string of Illinois governors to run afoul of the law. His immediate predecessor. George Ryan, is in jail following a federal corruption conviction.

“Many, including myself, thought that the recent conviction of a former governor would usher in a new era of honesty and reform in Illinois politics,” Robert D. Grant, Special Agent-in-Charge of the Chicago Office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, said in a statement.

“Clearly, the charges announced today reveal that the office of the Governor has become nothing more than a vehicle for self-enrichment, unrestricted by party affiliation and taking Illinois politics to a new low.”

Grant and Patrick Fitzgerald, United States Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, will detail the charges in a news conference at 11 a.m. CDT (1700 GMT) in Chicago.

(Reporting by Michael Conlon and James Vicini, Kyle Peterson and Karen Pierog in Chicago, Editing by Jackie Frank)

Another gummit official serving himself above the people………………..Wonder how much Obama’s senate seat costs him?

Redneck Joke of the Week

Baptizing A Drunk Redneck
(Get out your Christian sense of humor)

A redneck is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk redneck walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the redneck, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus ?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the redneck, ‘Brother have you found Jesus ?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus , my brother?’

The drunk redneck again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus .’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk redneck begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus ?’

The drunk redneck wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Ain’t True

Hospital seeks dead man’s consent
MANCHESTER, England (UPI) — A woman said bosses at a Manchester, England, hospital asked that her deceased father sign a consent form before his death could be investigated.

Sally Guidon said she wrote to North Manchester General Hospital officials after the death of her father, James Johnson, 76, listing a series of complaints and asking for hospital staff to investigate the death, The Daily Mail reported Thursday.

However, Guidon said hospital bosses responded with a letter saying they needed Johnson to give written approval before his file could be opened.

“I cried for about an hour and a half when I got the letter,” Guidon said. “It was the final insult, I don’t know why I was surprised by it after seeing the way they cared for Dad — it is typical of them to make such a basic error.”

Hospital administrators said they apologized for the letter, which they blamed on an administrative error, and said the case will be investigated once Guidon’s mother, who was listed as her husband’s next of kin, gives permission to open the file.

Ain’t true that common sense has showed up missing only in America………….

Redneck Song of the Week:

Christmas in Dixie – Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week:

Honky Tonk Christmas

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Jacksboro Elementary. In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday.
The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics.

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________  2. ________ 3.________  4. ________

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

1. DOVE SEASON     2. DEER SEASON
3. DUCK SEASON    4.  TURKEY SEASON

Rebel Football Pickins

Season Record                 145 – 49    .747

Louie’s Bowl Losers

• Navy loses to Wake Forest
• Colorado St loses to Fresno State
• Memphis loses to South Fla
• Arizona loses to BYU
• So Miss loses to Troy
• Boise St loses to TCU
• Notre Dame loses to Hawaii

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
- Aesop

Issue #15

Redneck Ramblins

1. Say a prayer for our troops today – and everyday.
2. Well it’s now official. We are in a recession and have been for a year according to the gummit. Hello!!I know that a recession is definable by reduced GNP of several quarters and that can only be seen retroactively, but it didn’t take a genius to figure this one out!
3. I like the idea of replacing the CEO’s of all the bailout companies and holding them accountable. I also like the idea of replacing everyone in our dysfunctional congress and holding them accountable.
4. Has anyone talked to Lee Iacocca? He has experience in a government- backed auto company restructuring and successful comeback.
5. Tell me that Auburn didn’t run off their coach. The one that was 7-3 against Bama; the one that delivered them a 13-0 record 5 seasons ago; the one that won them a SEC championship. Who they gonna get that is any better? Deserves them right.
6. You’d have to be nuts to wanna be a head coach in the SEC. The expectations are way too unreasonable; caused by boosters who run the athletic departments. You have to win at all costs including your integrity and doing the right things. Are you listening Turner Gill?
7. Of course Auburn’s athletic director said the very next day that he and the university president pleaded with Tuberville not to resign and then were shocked when he did. They then said that they would pay his buyout of $ 6 million because it was the right thing to do. Save yer watches, boys. It’s getting’ deep.
8. Obama: “You know, the days of just pork coming out of Congress as a strategy, those days are over.” When pigs fly! This is coming from a man that ranks #2 in all pork spending…right behind Hillary!! Time to start walking the talk.
9. Now that OJ is doing time, who is going to look for the real killers?

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Deer gets revenge after hunter shoots him

SEDALIA, Mo. (AP) — A hunter bagged a big buck on the second day of firearms season, but the kill caused him a lot of pain. Randy Goodman, 49, said he thought two well-placed shots with his .270-caliber rifle had killed the buck on Nov. 19. Goodman said the deer looked dead to him, but seconds later the nine-point, 240-pound animal came to life.

The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called “15 seconds of hell.” The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots.

Soon Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood.

So he reached his truck and drove to a hospital, where he received seven staples in his scalp and was treated for a slight concussion and bruises.

I’d call it a tie – Hunter 1    Deer 1 – except the deer ended up dead. That would be the ultimate tie breaker.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Sign From God

An Auburn fan and Bama fan collide in a huge accident on I-20 on the way to the Iron Bowl. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

“This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends.” says the Auburn fan. “I agree,” replies the Bama fan.

The Bama fan then returns to the wreckage of his car and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

“Look,” he says to the Auburn fan, “this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival”

He hands the bottle over to the Auburn fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the Bama fan, who then puts the top back on and returns the bottle to his car.

“Aren’t you having any?” asks the Auburn fan. “No,” replies the Bama fan, “I think I’ll wait ’til the police get here.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Ain’t True

Top 10 stupid gifts from chickens to toilet golf
Tue Dec 2, 2008 2:45pm EST

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Short of gift ideas for that person who really does have everything? Then how about an underwear repair kit or maybe a Barack Obama “Yes, We Can” can opener?

Web site Stupid.com, which claims finding a truly stupid gift is an art form, on Tuesday unveiled its second annual list of the top 10 “stupidest” holiday gifts for 2008.

“2008 might have been a bad year for the economy, but it was a great year for stupidity,” said Stupid.com’s founder Gary Apple. “Weird products seemed to come out of the woodwork this year. There was almost too much stupidity to choose from!”

Last year the list featured a Hillary Clinton nutcracker, a Mother Teresa breath spray, and portable mistletoe with a suction cup to attach to your forehead.

Here is New York-based stupid.com’s top 10 list for 2008 (http://www.stupid.com/fun) which is not endorsed by Reuters:

1. Screaming Chicken, The World’s Most Annoying Toy:
   This rubber chicken doesn’t squeak or squawk. It screams.
2. Wealth Redistribution 2008 Holiday Ornament:
   This tree ornament announces that the ornament that used to be there has been removed and given to someone who needs it more. The Redistribution Holiday Ornament will let everyone know you’re spreading the wealth whether you want to or not.
3. Mini Guitar Hero:
   This miniature version of that mega-hit game is barely 6-inches long but you can still rock out to songs by Queen, Cheap Trick, Nirvana, and The Police
4. Potty Putter:
   Why waste time on the toilet, when you can use it to get ready for the fairway? Potty Putter contains everything you need for an exciting round of golf without leaving your seat including a putting green for around the toilet, mini putter, flag stick and two golf balls.
5. Wasabi Flavored Gumballs:
   These potent little green confections offer an intense explosion of wasabi. Strangely, the gum is actually delicious.
6. Men’s Underwear Repair Kit:
   In this troubled economy, don’t throw away your old underwear but repair it with the Men’s Underwear Repair Kit. This handy, inexpensive kit provides everything you need to get your unsightly undershorts back into presentable shape.
7. Obama “Yes We Can” Opener:
   Every election spawns some interesting products, but this has to be one of the stupidest. To Obama fans, the “Yes, We Can” opener, seizing on his campaign refrain, could be a treasure.
8. “How To Tie A Tie” Tie:
   Still struggle with your tie? This stylish tie has simple knot-tying instructions printed right on the front. Just follow the six step-by-step diagrams and you’ll look as dashing as George Clooney in seconds.
9. 2009 Dog Poop Calendar:
   Each month features a spectacular landscape or breathtaking tableau, but somewhere in every shot there’s a pile of dog poop. Distasteful? You bet it is, but the contrast between the beautiful photography and dog poop is remarkable.
10. Pole Dancer Alarm Clock:
    When the alarm goes off, dance music plays and disco lights flash. At the same time, a buxom blonde dancer gyrates around a pole under the spinning disco ball.

Ain’t true if you buy any of the above that it is the thought that counts…….

Redneck Song of the Week

Leroy the Redneck Reindeer

Redneck Video of the Week

Larry the Cable Guy Tries to Sing Christmas Carols

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: History According to the BCS

BCS Declares Germany Winner in World War II; US #4

AP – After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II

“Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland , France , Norway , Sweden , Denmark , Belgium and the Netherlands . Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work–including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule–our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking.”

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated “The US only had two major victories–Japan and Germany . The computer models, unlike humans, aren’t influenced by head-to-head contests–they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event.”

German Chancellor Adolph Hiter said “Yes, we lost to the US ; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks.” Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn ’style points’ to enhance Germany ’s rankings. Hitler protested “Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces.”

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented “ France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2.”

Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.

United States head coach Harry S Truman was criticized by many as having poor taste for scheduling a “politicking” interview during halftime of the German bombing raids over Great Britain.

In that interview, Truman stated, “Any way you look at it, there is going to be a really good military force that gets left out. But when you come right down to it, our head-to-head victory over the Germans has to be the deciding factor.”

A US fan also made the point that “ Germany is getting all the style points right now because of their sexy offense, which continues to obliterate weaker opponents and show off their might after the battle is already won. But what about defense?”

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        8 – 1    .889

Season Record                 145 – 49    .747

End of Regular Season

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Neither current events nor history show that the majority rule, or ever did rule.”
- Jefferson Davis, The Best President We Ever Had!

Issue #14

Redneck Ramblins

1. With our luck, the tool bag that slipped away on the space walk probably had the million dollar hammer in it.
2. Anybody remember Chrysler’s $2.99 per gallon gas guarantee?
3. Redneck son and I went out and bought more memory yesterday. No, not for me, for the computer. I don’t want more memory, but I could stand to have some more reliable memory.
4. The BCS is BS. There is no C to it. Please O’Bama get us a playoff in Division 1 College Football. You could do a lot to bring this country together with just that one thing.
5. I have no dog in the fight, but if I was a fan of Texas or Texas Tech, I would be mighty upset ‘bout now over the South Division Big 12 championship.
6. Running up the score to impress some soulless computer ain’t right. Sportsmanship still has a place in sports.
7. I am getting disturbed over this un-retiring trend. First Brett Favre, then Lance Armstrong, and now Bill Snyder at Kansas State. I hope it ain’t an epidemic! Is there a vaccine?
8. Hey, Plexico Burress. If you need to carry a gun to someplace for your protection, good chance you shouldn’t be there to begin with, dumb butt. And how the heck do you plead not guilty to the felony of carrying a loaded firearm. Dude, it was your gun in your pocket that shot your sorry butt!
9. For the first time in 2190 days Bama fans get bragging rights in the Great State of Alabama. Roll Tide Roll!!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

City threatens to put lien on blind woman’s house over a penny
Eileen Wilbur was one penny short when she paid last year’s water bill. Now the city of Attleboro, Mass., is threatening to take action.

In a letter they paid 42 cents to mail, city officials say they’ll place a lien on the blind 74-year-old’s house unless she coughs up a penny by Dec. 10, according to the Associated Press.

City Collector Debora Marcoccio tells The Sun Chronicle that Wilbur should have paid the balance on her account when they sent out the original bill.

She says the lien notices are automatically printed. “It would be fiscally irresponsible for me to have staff weed through the bills and pull out any below a certain amount,” she says, according to the paper. ” And what would that amount be?”

The dang gummit at any level never uses common sense …………

Redneck Joke of the Week

……..you might be a redneck at Christmas if……

You spell out NASCAR with your lights
Santa refuses to let your kids sit on his lap
Yer Christmas tree has beef jerky ornaments
You go shopping at the dollar store
You ask for a price check
You take down your Christmas tree in September; you put it back up in October
Yer mama has ammo on her list
You shop at a truck stop
You bought those lime green satin ornaments at the grocery store (really)
You have the talking tree, wreath, deer and singing lampposts
You have every Chia pet there is
You spray paint sauerkraut gold and hang it on your tree
You misspell something with your Christmas lights.
You have used the same ribbon, boxes, and bows for 5 years now
Redman sends you a card.

Redneck Picture of the Week

It’s Fixin’ to be Christmas Y’all

Times is tuff – Do It Yerself Christmas Tree

Racin’

Redneck Song of the Week:

12 Days of Redneck Christmas

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Christmas – Here’s Your Sign

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Physics

Does Santa Exist?
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhists except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the work load for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to works with, thanks the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming east to west travel (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second – 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can
run (at best) 15 miles per hour (0.25 miles per second). The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO® set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying”
reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job cannot be done with eight or even nine of them – Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the Monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the Earth’s atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating a deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mile per second in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now. Merry Christmas.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        15 – 5    .750
Season Record                   137-48    .741

Louie’s Losers

Middle Tenn loses to LA – Lafayette
Only because the game is in LA

Louisville loses to Rutgers
Rutgers too tuff

W KY loses to Fla International
But who cares

Arkansas State loses to Troy
State loses to #2 team in Alabama

South Fla loses to West VA
Mountaineers backfield is strong

E Carolina loses to Tulsa in Conf USA Championship
Tulsa is way good

Boston College loses to VA Tech in ACC Championship
Beamer brings home the bacon for Redneck Ron

#1 Bama loses to Florida
Hate to pick against the Tide, but Gators’ offense scores enough points to win against a great Bama defense.

Mizzou loses to OU
Dang Boomer Sooners’ offense just too strong for MU

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

You must be the change you want to see in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi
Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 – 1948)

Issue #13

Redneck Ramblins

1. No matter what has happened this year, we still are blessed and should be very thankful.
2. I heard that we were getting change after the election. Looks so far to be the same ole Clinton stuff we had 8+ years ago.
3. Nothing is going to change until we go from “me” to “we”. The good of America has to come before the good of a few individuals.
4. What do you do in case of a tornado? Go to Auburn. They never have a touchdown there.
5. Heard that Tiger Woods lost his Buick endorsement deal. That and him being off work due to injury, I am worried that he might not make it. Hope he has that insurance!
6. No question that Auburn has been looking for a quarterback. Tuberville was out recruiting the other day and found an athlete just right for Auburn. When he asked the recruit if he could pass a football, he replied “Hell yeah, if I can swallow it.”
7. Now that gas is under $2 a gallon, let’s blame Bush for that too.
8. I hear Coach Saban is being pegged for the new administration’s Secretary of Defense. Although, I doubt he’d take a less prestigious job and the huge pay cut.
9. Y’all can probably tell that it is Alabama – Auburn week. No rivalry like it anywar.
10. Holiday travel warning: Airlines used to lose your luggage for free. Now they charge to do it.
11. This stock market is making plenty of people millionaires. Of course they were billionaires before this mess started.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Lucky man survives after being run over by train
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. (AP) — Talk about being lucky – a north Alabama man is alive after being run over by a train on Thursday afternoon. Huntsville Fire and Rescue officials said a train engineer spotted 61-year-old Arnold Romine lying across railroad ties. Witnesses said the conductor sounded the horn and tried to stop the train.

Firefighters said by the time the coal train was stopped, 8 rail cars had passed over Romine’s body.

Miraculously, he suffered what appeared to be minor injuries. He was later treated and released at Huntsville Hospital.

It’s unclear why Romine was lying on the tracks.

Hell yeah it’s clear. It’s just an Auburn fan following tracks while huntin’.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Two hunters from Auburn were dragging their dead deer back to their car.

Another hunter, from Tuscaloosa, approached pulling his along too.

“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

After the Bama hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all

Racin’

Ain’t True

ROME (AP) – Serie A side Catania has come up with a creative way to score from a free kick: block the goalkeeper’s vision by having players drop their shorts down in a wall.

The Sicilian team carried out the maneuver to perfection when Giuseppe Mascara scored in Sunday’s 3-2 win over Torino.

Three Catania players dropped their shorts down near their knees so Torino goalkeeper Matteo Sereni couldn’t see Mascara’s kick.

“This is a strategy that (Catania coach Walter) Zenga tries continually in training,” the club’s chief executive Pietro Lo Monaco told RAI state radio Monday.

Former referees coordinator Paolo Casarin called the move “unsportsmanlike and in bad taste.”

“It’s a trick that should not be tolerated anymore by the referees,” Casarin said.

Lo Monaco responded, “A trick? I wouldn’t say so. It’s up to the referee to decide if it should be penalized, otherwise I don’t see where the problem is….Good taste is relative.”

Ain’t true that it was a full moon!

Redneck Song of the Week:

You Can’t Hide Redneck – Tracy Lawrence

Redneck Video of the Week:

Bubby J
http://www.jeffdunham.com/#/bubbaj

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Law

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, ‘Where did you get that turkey?’
The boy replied, ‘What turkey?’

The game warden said, ‘That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.’

The boy looks down and said, ‘Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!’

The game warden said, ‘Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?’

The little boy said, ‘I guess I’ll just kiss his butt and let him go!’

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        13-7    .650
Season Record              122 – 43    .739

Louie’s Losers

TX A&M loses to Longhorns
Bet the double-wide game of the week.

Toledo loses to Bowling Green
It will be close one though!

UTEP loses to E Carolina
Miners make sure everything is fine in Caroline

Arkansas loses to LSU
LSU rights the shrimp boat after recent storms

Miss State loses to Ole Miss
Rebels take to the air to win intra-state rivalry

Pittsburgh loses to West Va
Good game will be close

Auburn loses to #1 Alabama
Bama stays unbeaten until they play Florida

North Texas loses to Arkansas State
Coach Dodge really wishes he was back at Southlake Carroll

Maryland loses to Boston College
Terps get turned upside down

South Carolina loses to Clemson
Ole Ball Coach is mad after this one

Florida State loses to Florida
Bobby Bowden beaten badly

Georgia loses to Ga Tech
Rabblin’ Wreck upsets the dawgs

Rice loses to Houston
Cougars steam Rice

Duke loses to North Carolina
At least until basketball season

Oklahoma loses to Okie State
Upset special of the week

SMU loses to So Miss
Eagles fly

Baylor loses to Texas Tech
Red Raiders take embarrassing loss out on Bears

UAB loses to UCF
Central Fla flogs Blazers

Virginia loses to Va Tech
Beamer beams

Vanderbilt loses to Wake Forest
Close one to the home team

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

I don’t hire anybody who’s not brighter than I am. If they’re not brighter than I am, I don’t need them.
Paul “Bear” Bryant, I Ain’t Never Been Nothing but a Winner

Issue #12

Redneck Ramblins

1. I wonder why the psychics don’t win all of the lotteries.
2. #44 is making a list of all of the previous administration’s policies that he will use executive order to change. Here is my list:
   1. Make everyone in DC tell the truth and nothing but the truth
   2. Serve the people that elected you versus being self serving
   3. Include politicians in the Do Not Call List
   4. Eliminate the designated hitter in the American League
   5. Make all government employees contribute to Social Security and then live under it
   6. Make it illegal to participate in partisan politics – Do What Is Right for America!!
   7. Do away with the top 35 rule in NASCAR. Everybody qualifies and top 43 fastest run that week.
   8. Eliminate earmarks and use line item veto.
   9. After $ 5.3 billion spent on this federal election (President, Senators, Cong Rep. and not state or local), seems that election finance reform is in order
   10. Re-discover ethics!
3. It makes me mad that so many ads on TV make the Dad look like a total dope. I have a sense of humor (it may be the only sense I have), but this country needs to have the children respect their parents. This doesn’t help!
4. Of course the parents need to earn the respect of their kids by always doing the right thing.
5. Ever notice how intolerant people are that preach tolerance?
6. Hey, this new administration thing is working. I just realized that I am paying far less income taxes right now than I was a year ago. Of course, last year I had a job.
7. Stop bailing until you fix the leaks or your boat’s gonna sink anyway.
8. US automakers need to go bankrupt if they don’t make fuel efficient cars efficiently. The UAW better wake up before there is no US auto industry!!
9. I see AIG is getting another add-on to their bailout. Now up to $ 150 billion. Does this mean they get to have more parties?
10. A billion here a $100 billion there. Sooner or later we gonna be talking serious money.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

2 dead in argument after Alabama-LSU game
EVERGREEN, Ala. — A man and woman were shot dead after an argument that witnesses said started over an Alabama-LSU football game, but sheriff’s investigators said Monday they continued to investigate the motive.

The Conecuh County sheriff’s office identified the victims as Dennis James Smith, 41, and Donna Kaye Hall Smith, 39, of Brewton. The two were shot to death about 7 p.m. Saturday in the rural community of Owassa in southern Alabama.

Michael W. Williams, 28, was arrested and charged with two counts of murder over the shooting at his home, where he had watched the game. He was being held Monday without bond. A sheriff’s investigator handling the case did not know if he had an attorney.

An investigator said Monday that people watching the game at Williams’ home said the dispute was over the game, which Alabama won 27-21 in overtime Saturday, but an investigation into the motive was not complete. The investigator also said alcohol may have been a factor.

According to witness accounts to investigators, Dennis Smith, an LSU fan, called Williams, an Alabama fan, after the game, and the Smiths then went to Williams’ home, where a physical altercation led to the shooting.

Investigators said Dennis Smith had a pistol and Williams had a shotgun and fired.
Authorities said Donna Smith was a relative of Williams’ girlfriend.

Relatives of both the victims and the suspect either declined comment or did not immediately return phone messages Monday from The Associated Press.

Football in the SEC is not a life or death matter. It is far more important than that!

Redneck Joke of the Week

DWI – TEXAS STYLE

Recently a routine police patrol car was parked outside a bar in Texas. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.   The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.   After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck.  ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Redneck Picture of the Week

Note the rubber band holding the cell phone and the shotgun in the arm as he is smokin’ and drinkin’. Look Ma no hands!!

Racin’ at Homestead

Congrats to the Champions

• Jimmie Johnson – Cup
• Clint Bowyer – Nationwide
• Johnny Benson – Trucks

Some great racin’ this past weekend especially in the Trucks and Nationwide. Never knew would win the championships until the checkered flag.

Folks have been askin’ what I am going to do between now and Daytona?

1. Attend Racin’ Anonymous meetings
2. Sit on the hill looking at cars going fast on I-20
3. Sniff the lawnmower gas can every now and again
4. Watch re-runs of races from back in the day

Ain’t True

The Washington Redskins have proven to be a time-tested predictor. In the previous elections, if the Washington Redskins have lost their last home game prior to the election, the incumbent party has lost the White House. When they have won, the incumbent has stayed in power. This is accurate 94.7% of the time.

The only miss in 19 elections was in 2004. The Redskins were defeated by the Green Bay Packers 28-14, but Bush was re-elected.

This election? The Redskins were defeated at home by the Pittsburgh Steelers 23-6 on the eve of the election and the Democrats regained the White House.

Ain’t true that the media watched the game on November 3rd and made their predictions. Heck, they decided that over six months ago!

Redneck Song of the Week:

The South’s Gonna Do It Again – Charlie Daniels

Redneck Video of the Week

Chainsaws

http://www.jibjab.com/player/main.swf?jid=56246

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Technology

Backup – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.

Chip – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal – Time to call the undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – Female Disco dancer.

Fax – What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem – What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your week-old underwear.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        9 – 6    ..600

Season Record                 109 – 36    .752

Louie’s Losers

Lost some close ones last week, so we try to do better this time……

Miami upsets Ga Tech
This will be close, but Hurricanes hit Atlanta

Buffalo upsets Bowling Green
Bulls are a surprise team in the nation and could head for their first bowl game with a victory

Virginia loses to Clemson
Another close ACC matchup

UAB loses to E Carolina
Alabama’s 3rd best team just not good enough in this one

UTEP loses to Houston
Cougars dig a big hole for the Miners

Ole Miss loses to LSU
Another nail biting SEC adventure for the Bayou Bengals

Maryland barely loses to Fla St
Another ACC great one

Univ Central Fla loses to Memphis
Tigers BBQ the Knights

North Texas loses to Middle Tennessee
Bet the double-wide game of the week

Arkansas loses by an inch to Miss St
Miss St defense will stop the Hawgs, but can the offense score enough pts?

NC State loses to NC
Wolfpack whooped (and this isn’t even basketball!)

Texas Tech upsets Oklahoma
Oklahoma will be unable to stop the air attack

Marshall loses to Rice
Thundering Herd will need some lightning too to pull this one out

Air Force loses to TCU
Falcons are grounded

LA – Laf loses to Troy
Alabama’s 2nd best team prevails

Tulane loses to Tulsa
Tulsa embarrassed last week will take it out on the Green Wave

Tennessee loses to Vandy
Don’t happen often, but boy do I like the sound of it. Rocky Bottoms for the former Rocky Tops.

Duke loses to VA Tech
Blue Devils are bluer after this one

Boston College loses to Wake Forest
Another ACC close game

Louisville loses to West VA
Another ACC close game

Auburn loses to … Oops
They get a break this week since they don’t play

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs.”
- Jay Leno

Issue #11

Redneck Ramblins

1. Veteran’s Day November 11th    Freedom is not free. Somebody had to pay for it. Thanks to all the veterans that I still have the right to write what I think and to still write it in English!!
2. Two more Auburn students died this week after using rectal thermometers. Yep, died of brain damage.
3. Why is it that I know more about the background of Joe “The Plumber” than I do about the next President of the United States?
4. I’m ready for change! First, congress needs to live under the same laws as us little people. So, they should have to retire on social security and they should have to obey the Do Not Call List, not be exempt from it. I want them to change and do the right things for America not just what lines their pockets and gets them re-elected. I want them to stop earmarks. I want them to cut federal spending by 10% just like every company and citizen has had to do. I want them to stop the partisan politics.
5. How about term limits? These politicians need to get real jobs some time in their lives.
6. Buy American! Let’s keep what little money we have left in this country. Good luck finding something that is still made in the US of A.
7. Saw many people last week at the races that had a balance problem. They probably had blood in their alcohol system. Screwed them up bad.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (compliments of Mrs. Redneck, the teacher)

How would you pronounce this child’s name: ‘Le-a’ ???

Leah??  NO
Lee – A??   NOPE
Lay – a??    NO
Lei?? Guess  Again.

It’s pronounced ‘Ledasha’
Oh yes…you read it right.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said ‘the dash don’t be silent.’

Redneck Joke of the Week

George Phillips, 82,  a redneck from Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars , a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’ Don’t mess with old rednecks.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’ at Phoenix

If you’re not sure yet whether you’re a NASCAR fan, maybe we can help with that, too.
(With apologies to comic Jeff Foxworthy)

- If you actually know what Goody’s Headache Powder is and have proudly worn Dickies, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you understand how Carl Edwards has more wins, more top-five finishes, more top-10 finishes and more prize money this season than Jimmie Johnson yet has no chance to catch him in the Chase for the Sprint Cup – and you don’t like it much – you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you call your wife during the middle of your daily commute to report that you’re a little loose in the corners, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If she tells you, “Then keep the dang thing out of the marbles,” she might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you believe there is a heaven and that it will be something like having a motor home in the infield, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you suspect hell also exists and that it may resemble Rattlesnake Hill but figure, hey, as long as there’s beer . . . You might be a NASCAR fan. — Arizona Republic

Racin Picks of the Week – Homestead

1. Greg Biffle
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Carl Edwards

Ain’t True

Dog bites reporter
By BEN FELLER
WASHINGTON (AP) — Talk about a biting critique of the press.

It seems President Bush’s dog Barney wasn’t much in the mood for friendly attention during his walk outside the White House on Thursday. So when Reuters reporter Jon Decker reached down to pet the Scottish terrier, the seemingly docile dog snapped at him and bit Decker’s right index finger.

Reporter April Ryan of American Urban Radio Networks happened to capture the moment on video.

And, naturally, it soon wound up on YouTube. The video comes to an end with a freeze frame on Barney’s fangs.

Barney won’t have to worry about bothersome reporters much longer. The Bush administration ends in 75 days, and the president is headed back to Texas.

Sally McDonough, a spokeswoman for first lady Laura Bush, said of Barney: “I think it was his way of saying he was done with the paparazzi.”

Mrs. Bush asked McDonough to call Decker and make sure he was fine. She reports that Decker “is being a good sport about it all.”

The intrepid reporter got bandaged up by the White House doctor.

As he says in the YouTube clip: “I got bit by Barney, and unfortunately it broke the skin, and I have to be on antibiotics for the next few days.”

Consider it a cautionary tale. The incoming president, Barack Obama, has promised to buy daughters Malia and Sasha a puppy.

I would like to bite the media and I think Bush would too! It ain’t true that W told Barney to sic ‘em.

Redneck Song of the Week

In honor of the end of summer…

Craig Morgan – Redneck Yacht Club
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsGOX7DMVCg

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck 911
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/687189/3109318

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Medical Training

Artery………………….The study of paintings.

Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium………………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section…………A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan…………………Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize……………….Made eye contact with her.

Coma……………………A punctuation mark.

Dilate………………….To live long.

Enema…………………..Not a friend.

Fester………………….Quicker than someone else.

Fibula………………….A small lie.

Hangnail………………..What you hang your coat on.

Impotent………………..Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain………………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff……………A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid………………….A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates………………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node……………………I knew it.

Pelvis………………….Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative…………..A letter carrier.

Rectum………………….Darn near killed him.

Seizure…………………Roman emperor.

Tablet………………….A small table.

Tumor…………………..More than one.

Urine…………………..Opposite of you’re out

Varicose………………..Near by

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        9 – 3    .750
Season Record                 100 – 30    .769

Louie’s Losers

Miami upset by Va Tech
Hokies kicking game kicks the thugs

Miss St loses to #1 Bama
Tide Rolls again, but Miss St defense will make it tough

Texas A&M loses to Baylor
Aggies get baptized in Waco

Duke loses to Clemson
Blue Devil’s brains cannot overcome Clemson’s talent

Auburn loses to Georgia
Dawg’s ruin Auburn’s one game winning streak

S. Carolina loses to Fla
Ole Ball Coach wishes he was still coaching the Gators!

Boston College loses to Fla State
Might be a different result if this game was played up North

Troy loses to LSU
Cajuns beat 2nd best team in Alabama

La – Monroe loses to Ole Miss
Bet the double-wide special of the week

Maryland loses to NC
Tar Heels win at home in a close one

Colorado loses to Okie State
Buffaloes get stampeded at home

Rutgers loses to S. Fla
Speed kills the Scarlet Knights

Kansas loses to Texas
Lawrence’s losers lose to Longhorns

UAB loses to Tulane
Green Wave defeat 3rd best team in Alabama

NC State loses to Wake Forest
A dandy of a game in the ACC

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

“I’ve seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I’ve seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. “
-Gov. George C. Wallace

Issue #10

Redneck Ramblins

1. Went to the store the other day and bought some milk. The picture of the Auburn offense was on the carton.
2. Why is it that when someone works hard and succeeds, others want to dummy down the system to make things fair? How ‘bout working harder to succeed yourself.
3. By the time you read this, most likely we will have elected a new president and many others to office. If you are not happy about the outcome; if you feel that you want your country back, do something about it. It starts with each one of us. Reach out to others. Mentor a kid, teach Sunday School, pray for others, get off your back side and do something to make a difference one person at a time. Then hold those in office accountable!
4. You know the difference between an Auburn win and a UFO? People claim that they have seen UFO’s.
5. Why is it when we set our clocks back in the fall, we never use that extra hour to sleep? Most of us spend the hour resetting clocks.
6. I am all for the redistribution of wealth. I got dibs on Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Heck, I’d even take Robert Gates or Jimmy Buffet. More than likely I will get Billy “The Bum” Buffet.
7. Texas is getting more like California each day. On Thursday, 10/30, we had minor earthquakes followed on Saturday by tremors.
8. Saw this on a t-shirt at Texas Motor Speedway this weekend

“I Love My Country – But Its Government Scares Me”

And I approve this message.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Ghost car racks up tickets

Published: Nov. 2, 2008 at 2:14 PM

CHICAGO, Nov. 2 (UPI) — Chicago police say they are investigating how a 1992 Chevrolet Lumina racked up nearly $4,000 in tickets in the year after it was presumed crushed.

Cheryl Thomas said the police became involved after notices seeking payment for nearly $4,000 were mailed to her home in Alsip, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Sunday.

“The police told me the car was destroyed, but it’s still moving around,” said Thomas, whose son, Gene, owned the car until it was impounded last year and ordered crushed by police after he failed to pay $500 in storage and towing fees, the Sun-Times reported.

During the next 12 months, toll cameras photographed the car nearly 200 times as it breezed through tollbooths without paying a cent, the Sun-Times reported.

Untangling the car’s recent history has been difficult with police reporting the car was crushed, not crushed, sold, then not sold, the Sun-Times reported, noting police say the car currently is undriveable and sitting in a city-owned lot, though police would not allow the Sun-Times to see the car.

This from a city where dead people have been voting for years!

Redneck Joke of the Week

BUBBA AND EARL

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it’s a po-leece roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!”

“Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, okay?” said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “Have you boys been drinking?”

“No sir,” said Earl, “We’re on the patch.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba Heard That Huntin’ Season Started

Racin’ at Texas

Redneck son and I spent a picture perfect weekend in fellowship with 200,000 of our friends smelling burning rubber and spent racin’ fuel. Cousin Carl Edwards crew chief made a calculated gutsy call to stay out 10 laps longer than anybody else to win the Dickies 500 in a fuel mileage slapdown. Edwards cut deeply into Jimmie Johnson’s points lead (only 106 point ahead with two races to go.) Bet NASCAR checks the capacity of that 99 Ford’s fuel cell!

Racin Picks of the Week – Phoenix –The Chase is On!

1. Clint Bowyer
2. Denny Hamlin
3. David Reutimann

Ain’t True

UCLA Study Finds That Searching the Internet Increases Brain Function in Older Adults

Researchers found volunteers with prior experience in Web searching registered a twofold increase in brain activation

(10/29/2008)

UCLA scientists have found that for computer-savvy older adults, searching the Internet triggers key centers in the brain that control decision-making and complex reasoning. The findings demonstrate that Web search activity may help stimulate and possibly improve brain function.

The study, the first of its kind to assess the impact of Internet searching on brain performance, is currently in press at the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry and will appear in an upcoming issue.

As the brain ages, a number of structural and functional changes occur, including atrophy, reductions in cell activity, and increases in deposits of amyloid plaques and tau tangles, which can impact cognitive function.

Researchers noted that pursuing activities that keep the mind engaged may help preserve brain health and cognitive ability. Traditionally, these include games such as crossword puzzles, but with the advent of technology, scientists are beginning to assess the influence of computer use—including the Internet.

For the study, the UCLA team worked with 24 neurologically normal research volunteers between the ages of 55 and 76. Half of the study participants had experience searching the Internet, while the other half had no experience. Age, educational level, and gender were similar between the two groups.

Researchers found that during Web searching, volunteers with prior experience registered a twofold increase in brain activation when compared with those with little Internet experience.

Ain’t true that if you spend all of your time surfing the web that you will be any smarter. It just means that your lazy butt has no life!

Redneck Song of the Week

Redneck Anthem – Ty England

Redneck Video of the Week: (Compliments of Redneck Rich J)

National Anthem sung the way it should be by 5 sisters at a Texas Tech basketball game in February 2008.

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Diversity Training

Football Season: North vs. South

Women’s Attire

Up North:
Chap stick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.

Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary – that’s what dates are for.

Stadium Size
Up North:
College football stadiums hold 20,000.

Down south:
High school football stadiums hold 20,000.

Names
Up North:
Doug Flutie.

Down South:
Kenny ‘The Snake’ Stabler

Weather
Up North:
Snow and Ice.

Down South:
Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

Fathers
Up North:
Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

Down South:
Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Attire
Up North:
Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.

Down South:
Male – khakis or shorts, oxford shirt, cap with team logo. Female – Knee-length skirt or Jeans, team logo tattoos on cheek, Pom Pom.

Alumni
Up North:
Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.

Down South:
Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

Campus Decor
Up North:
Statues of Founding Fathers.

Down South:
Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen
Up North:
Also a physics major.

Down South:
Also Miss USA.

Heroes
Up North:
Mario Cuomo.

Down South:
“Bear” Bryant.

Getting Tickets
Up North:
5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.

Down South:
5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
Up North:
Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.

Down South:
Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

Parking
Up North:
An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South:
RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

Game Day
Up North:
A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

Down South:
Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating
Up North:
Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

Down South:
30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

Getting To The Stadium
Up North:
You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.

Down South:
When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.

Concessions
Up North:
Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.

Down South:
Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When The National Anthem Is Played
Up North:
Stands are less than half full.

Down South:
80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

The Smell In The Air After The First Score
Up North:
Nothing changes.

Down South:
Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)
Up North:
“Nice play.”

Down South:
“Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

Commentary (Female)
Up North:
“My, this is a violent sport.”

Down South:
“Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

After The Game
Up North:
The stadium is empty before the game ends.

Down South:

Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s party.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record    9-6    .600
Season Record        91-27     .771

Last week was a rough one for the picker. Lots of losers turned into winners in close games.
Did get the Texas Tech upset right!

Louie’s Losers

LSU loses to No. 1 Bama
Saban knows how to win in Baton Rouge. Dun it before!

Va Tech loses at home to Maryland
Hope I’m wrong on this one Redneck Ron!

NC State loses to Duke
Can’t say this in most years except in basketball.

Vandy loses to Florida
Vandy covers the spread

North Texas loses to Fla Atlantic
In the battle of the best losers

Clemson loses to Fla State
Seminoles war dance on the Tigers

Kentucky loses to Georgia
Dawgs are down after Fla game, but not that down

NC loses to Ga Tech
Tar Heels are upset at the Hill

Texas A&M loses to Oklahoma
Kyle Field can’t even help the Aggies in this bet the double-wide game.

Baylor loses to Texas
Closer than many think it will be!

Okla State loses to Texas Tech
Red Raiders roll continues

Virginia loses to Wake Forest
Close one!

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

If you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Issue #9

Redneck Ramblins

1. Too bad most houses now don’t have porches. A good porch sittin’ could take everybody’s mind of this election and economy. Besides takin’ the edge off, you might actually get to know yer neighbors.
2. Taken a couple of trips in the last several weeks to Topeka to visit an ailin’ mother-in-law. I know one thing for sure – Oklahoma roads suck!
3. I am sick and tired of “Stock Analysts”. They are punks that sit in offices in New York City and figure how much money a company should make so that they hit their portfolio earnings for the quarter. Then the poor ole company CEO has to hit that number or the company’s stock crater. “The company reported record sales and earnings today, but they did not hit analyst’s expectations, so the stock went down 10%.” Male bovine excrement!! No wonder companies cheat.
4. Insurance companies should be required to pay claims within 30 days. They are notorious for withholding payment to doctors, hospitals, and you and me, because they “question” something or just outright deny the claim. You wonder why health care is so expensive. Just try being a day late with y’alls premium payment and see what happens.
5. Just heard that Auburn is changing their names from the Tigers to Possums because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
6. Notice that gas prices aren’t coming down as fast as they went up.
7. Did you know that 12 of the 18 provinces in Iraq have been turned over to Iraqi government control? Didn’t think so. Dang liberal US media doesn’t want you to know. Got this out of the UK off that internet that Gore invented.
8. Vote all the bums out! And I approve this message.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

This was actually printed in a newspaper?

And I thought “No” would win in a landslide!

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of redneck Hiker Daniel)

**Virus Alert**

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Redneck Picture of the Week  (compliments of Redneck Phil)

Racin’ at Hotlanta!

Everybody was slipping and sliding Sunday in Atlanta. They all were slideways the entire race. Poor ole Cousin Carl Edwards goes out and wins the race only to find out that Jimmie Johnson came back from a lap down and 30th place to finish 2nd. That’s what champions do!!

Racin Picks of the Week – Texas – The Chase is On!

1. Cousin Carl Edwards
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Anybody else with Roush Racing

Ain’t True

Some say that this is police abuse. Ain’t true!! Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!!

Some “dirtbag” in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.  Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.  A state-wide manhunt ensued.  The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:

“That’s all the bullets we had!”
(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

Redneck Song of the Week

“Redneck Girl” – Bellamy Brothers

Redneck Video of the Week: (Compliments of my redneck son)

Fishing Down South (Way Down South in Australia)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Redneck Test

This test really can’t be cheated on… either you know the answers or you don’t.   Yankees may score a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+.   If you score over 30, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.

1. How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2. What was the number and color of Richard Petty’s cars?
3. Bill Dance is good at what?
4. What university does Bill Dance root for?
5. Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6. After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7. In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block  V8?
8. A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin’ language?
9. What is a chigger?
10. What is scrapple?
11. Where is “The Redneck Riviera”?
12. What’s that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13. What follows logically?  Johnson, Mercury,_______________.
14. What’s the common name for a bowfin?
15. If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16. Who sang “Your Cheatin’ Heart”?
17. What are grits made out of?
18. Who was nicknamed “The Bear”
19. Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20. What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21. Who was Andy Taylor’s love interest?
22. What are the radio station call letters that carries “The Grand  Ol’ Opry”?
23. Where would you find Vidalia County?
24. What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25. What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26. How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27. When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28. What is a scuppernong?
29. Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30. Why do you want to eat “high on the hog”?
31. What color is a John Deere?
32. What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33. What will you harvest when you plant “shade”?

Answers:

1. 7
2. 43, red and blue
3. Fishin’
4. University of Tennessee
5. University of Georgia
6. Hard peanuts
7. 283
8. French
9. A red bug (small parasite)
10. A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11. Panama City, FL
12. Spanish moss
13. Evinrude
14. Mudfish
15. Nothing.  A steer has been castrated.
16. Hank Williams
17. Corn
18. Paul Bryant
19. Because of the pollen
20. “The Recipe”
21. Helen
22. WSM
23. Georgia
24. Calf roping
25. Mandolin
26. 5
27. The same thing
28. A wild grape
29. Yes
30. Because that’s where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
31. Green
32. Another trick animal husbandry question.  Mules are generally sterile.
33. Tobacco

Ah heck. I scored 31. I guess I have to tell Mrs. Redneck we’s moving to the trailer park.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record    16-2    .889
Season Record               82-21    .796

I am 29-2 since I started picking the losers versus the winners, so on we go……………

Louie’s Losers

Ark St loses to Bama

Saban’s boys don’t run up the score.

Clemson loses to Boston College

Tigers get beaned in Boston

Georgia loses to Florida

The dawgs may want some cocktails after the World’s Largest Cocktail Party

Ga Tech loses to Florida St

Yellow Jackets get stung in a close one

Syracuse loses to Louisville

Orangemen lose at home

Tulane loses to LSU

The battle of the bayou

Miami loses to Virginia

Mild upset of the week

Auburn loses to Ole Miss

Tigers can’t win at home and certainly not on the road

Kentucky loses to Miss St

Wildcats slain in Starkville

Baylor loses to Mizzou

Gotta like what’s going on in Waco, but MU has more talent

Nebraska loses to Oklahoma

Honestly, I wish they could both lose

UAB loses to So. Miss

Blazers beat themselves

Texas loses to Texas Tech

Longhorns leave Lubbock in their rearview mirror losers. Upset of the week!

Texas A&M loses to Colorado

This will be a good game decided in the final minute

Duke loses to Wake Forest

Demons dunk Duke

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

If you’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy