Ramblins of a Retired Redneck Rebel

This past week I retired after 45 years in the baking bidness. I have hung up the apron, takin off my travelin shoes, and started a new career…..writin! Hopefully this will be a weekly thang -that is unless the fish are biting or the boss has somethin for me to do. Yes, even though I am retired, I still have a boss and she is the boss! I have to be good to her because she is the only income provider right now. A good friend of mine once said that “a man who says he is the boss at home will lie about other things too!”

You are encouraged to send along  ¢ontribution$ and even jokes, ideas, and pictures for me to include in Ramblins. Hey, I am on a fixed income here!! Enjoy these not so serious Ramblins…….

Redneck Ramblins

1. If Yankees think they are so smart, why is it that the SAT scores in the South go down each year as more of them move here?
2. Why do they have a front row in church since nobody sits there?
3. Heard some yankee yakker on a radio sports show saying that it must be fall because the southern folk are talking college football again. Dummy doesn’t know that we talk college football only a minimum of 365 days a year. Even on Christmas and Easter when some of our best fights,  err I mean our most intense family discussions happen. It is only in the fall that the yankee yakkers pay attention.
4. My biggest fear is that Gustav’s damage wasn’t as great as once predicted and next time nobody will leave. Then we gonna have a fine mess……..and it will probably gonna be Bush’s fault again.
5. Want a solution to the oil crisis? Make ethanol from kudzu ………..it’s true –lookie here……….. http://chemicallygreen.com/kudzu-ethanol/
6. In all my travels up North, I never saw a Snake Farm on the side of the road up there. Wonder why?
7. Ya know after writing this far, Microsoft Word’s grammar and spelling checking thingee is having a hissy fit. Maybe ole Bill Gates needs to produce a Southern version for grammar (or lack thereof) and spellin’.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Bullseye)

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old redneck rancher.

He tells the redneck rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?‘

The old redneck rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old redneck rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

‘Your card! Show him Your card!’

Just goes to show ya that Yankees and especially government Yankees need to listen to Southern rednecks more. Be a whole lot less trouble in the world.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Y’alls mama always told you not to run in the house. Poor little youngan needs to listen to his mama……………

Set Yer Tivo!

Check out the show on CMT called “20 Great Redneck Moments”. It is a hoot. Next showin is Sept 8th.

Ain’t True:

Even though Snopes.com didn’t do it, I have done some intense investigation and found that the following is not true:

“All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain’t doin’ it to Alabama.” (Reported in a recent e-mail)

Ain’t true at all. Wal-Mart being the high tech rednecks that they are instantly re-supplied every Wal-Mart within hours after the run on ammo started.

And really who cares if Russia invaded Georgia as long as it was in Buckhead or Dunwoody.

Racin’ at Richmond:

Remember the last race at Richmond? Of course any red-blooded rebel does. It was when Rowdy punk-face Busch spun Jr. into the fence. Well, I got an idea. Instead of booing Busch just ignore him and keep quiet. He loves the negative attention. The silence will kill him!!  My redneck racin buddy is going to Richmond this week. Hey, Tim spread the word. And yes, I am jealous!

Wishful Thinkin

Rowdy punk-faced Busch will be so concerned about Jr. returning the favor that when Jr. is on his tail, he’ll be looking in the mirror and plow into the turn 1 wall. OK, it is wishful thinking…you smiled though, didn’t ya?

Racin Picks of the Week

1. Denny “Home Boy” Hamlin (from Chesterfield, VA)
2. Mark “Ole Man” Martin
3. Joey “the best thing since sliced bread” Logano (first cup race)

Huh??

Just where is Jeff Gordon from anyway? I’ve seen and heard California; Pittsboro, IN; Charlotte, NC; and Manhattan, NY? I think he’d run better if he knew where he was from really. You can’t get to where you wanna go until you know where you’re at! “My home is in Alabama” although I live in Texas. I ougtha write a song about that. Hmmm … some band already did? OK then I will do “Sweet Home Alabama”. That too? Dang…….. I sure miss down home.

Rebel Football Pickins

THE Univ of Alabama over The Evacuees (Tulane)

Tulane has a great medical school and they will need it to treat all the wounds after this one. I really do feel sorry for Tulane since they didn’t have a home after Katrina and now this…….

Cow College of the Plains (Auburn) over So. Miss

My redneck brother went to Auburn. I wish he coulda gone someplace to where he coulda got an education.

Arkansas over LA – Monroe

Inter-state rivalry game?    Bet y’all’s double-wide on this one.

Florida over NE of the South (Miami)

My redneck racin buddy went to the Gator Farm in Gainesville. Therefore, my pick this week.

UGA’s Doghouse over Central Mich

The new dawg, UGA, wins again. (Their old UGA died and was replaced) What’s with all these directional schools this week?

South Florida over Univ Central FL

The guys that can’t academically qualify at any other school beat another directional school.

New Mexico over The Aggies

NM  — save the time and money. No need to even show up. The Aggies will beat themselves again. Apologizes to my redneck aggie son……. Hey, their mascot, Reville, died too and their replacement isn’t as good as UGA yet.

E. Carolina over W. VA

Another battle of directional schools. EC will be riding high after whoopin VA Tech last week. Did you see them Beamer-ball Beamer with that blocked punt return? My somewhat sincere sympathies to my redneck bud, Ron.

Tulsa over N TX

Coach Dodge is finding that UNT doesn’t have the facilities, boosters, and recruiting budget of his old Southlake Carroll High School. Somewhat sincere sympathies also for my redneck daughter and son-in-law…………

Football Note of the Week:

After UCLA beat the Rocky Tops (Tenn) Monday night in OT, Coach Fullmer looked like somebody just stole his pickem up and run over his best huntin dog. BTW, I was educated in UCLA (Upper Corner of Lower Alabama). This was a great game, but being a Bama Boy I couldn’t pull for the Rocky Tops and I don’t like anything in So Cal either, especially their perennial probation producing coach Neuheisel.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

American by birth and a Southerner by the Grace of God!!
(the late great Lewis Grizzard, a great American)