Archive for 2008

Issue #8

Redneck Ramblin’s

1. Ya know how to keep Auburn players out of your yard? Put a goal post in it.
2. Why is it when people talk about something going bad they say that it went south. When I go South, it is a good thing!
3. It would be even better if all the Yankees went North!
4. Politicians like to rob Peter to pay Paul. I am tired of being Peter all of the time. Let’s rob Paul to pay Peter just once!
5. What a tragedy! Two Auburn students were killed this week raking leaves. Yep. They fell out of the tree.
6. Does anybody really care about the love lives of celebrities? Talk about something important like racin’, college football, and the War of Northern Aggression!
7. A recent poll showed that 91% said that the political debates had not changed their minds about which candidate they would vote for. Then why the heck have the stupid things?
8. Guessing that Osama bin Laden will be caught in the next week or so just in time for the election.
9. Some people want the federal gummit to do everything for them. No wonder we are so screwed up.
10. Common sense ain’t too common anymore.
11. Many people went to college, but did not get an education. Never let school get in the way of an education.
12. The media has already elected the next president.
13. Please vote. If you don’t, you do not have the right to gritch about the results for the next four years.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Suit against God thrown out over lack of address

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) – A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator’s lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn’t properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

“Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice,” Polk wrote.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, thinks he’s found a hole in the judge’s ruling.

“The court itself acknowledges the existence of God,” Chambers said Wednesday. “A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God’s omniscience.” Therefore, Chambers said, “Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit.”

Chambers has 30 days to decide whether to appeal. He said he hasn’t decided yet.
Chambers, who has served a record 38 years in the Nebraska Legislature, is not returning next year because of term limits. He skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians.

And who elects these fools?

Redneck Joke of the Week

1. It has an aquarium – only it’s stocked with live minnows.
2. The town newspaper is published monthly.
3. The town is named after everyone’s distant relative.
4. It was founded on April Fools’ Day as a practical joke.
5. The Ice Cream Store has only two flavors – vanilla & chocolate.
6. There is no hospital – only a first aid kit.
7. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down Main Street.
8. There is no bank – as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave town.
9. The only traffic jam is caused when a farmer drives down Main on his combine.
10. The local phone book has only one yellow page.
11. Hardware, dry goods, grocery, clothing, and farm supplies are sold in the same store.
12. Third street is on the edge of town.
13. You don’t use turn signals because everyone knows where you are going anyway..
14. No social events are scheduled when the school gym is being varnished.
15. You call a wrong number and they give you the correct one.
16. Everyone knows the news before it’s published.
17. People only read the paper to see if the publisher got the fact right.
18. The city limit signs are both on the same post.
19. The 7-Eleven is only open from 8 – 5.
20. The only road crossing Main is a dirt road.
21. The New Year’s baby was born in October.
22. There is no place to go that you shouldn’t.
23. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba’s 6 Pack Abs

Yep them cans are tattooed on there! Even the plastic thingee that holds ‘em together.

Note that even though this guy was a Dale Jr fan when he drove the Bud car and has a 6 pack of cans tattoo, Bubba is drinking Coors light in a bottle.
Duh?

Racin Picks of the Week – Hot ‘Lanta- The Chase is On!

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Dale Jr.
3. Jeff Gordon

Ain’t True

11-Year-Old Leads Police on High-Speed Chase in Foster Mom’s Car
WASHINGTON, Pa. — An 11-year-old who stole his foster mother’s car led police on a high-speed chase through western Pennsylvania, striking a cruiser and slamming into a utility pole, officials said.

The boy’s guardian notified police that he was missing Sunday evening. Minutes later, the boy was spotted on a suburban road about 25 miles southwest of Pittsburgh.

Police say the boy drove up to 85 mph westbound on Interstate 70, swerving wildly between lanes. He got off the highway briefly, only to get back on going eastbound.
Officials say he then exited the interstate, hit a police cruiser and smashed into a utility pole.

The boy suffered a head injury that was not life-threatening.

The above story is true, but it is not true that Joe Gibbs has already signed him to a developmental driver contract.

Redneck Song of the Week

I know you were standing at attention when this was played.

Redneck Video of the Week: (Compliments of DK, The WVA Ridgerunner)

http://mybeautifulamerica.com/BeautifulDixie.htm

Makes me miss down home…………

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Chemistry    (compliments of Redneck Bill)

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record    13-0    1.000
Season Record        66-19    ,776

Last week I was perfect pickin’ the losers. So it continues………………

Louie’s Losers

Auburn Loses to West VA

It was reported that Auburn head football coach Tommy Tuberville will only be dressing twenty players for this game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

NC St Loses to Maryland

Terps are trouble for the Wolfpack.

Wake Forest Loses to Miami

Hurricanes hurt the Deamons.

Boston College Loses to NC

Close but no cigar for BC

A&M Loses to Iowa St

The battle for the bottom of the Big 12

Kentucky Loses to Florida

Gators win in the swamp.

Arkansas Loses to Ole Miss

Close game to the Rebels

Duke Loses to Vandy

A brain game

SMU Loses to Navy

Mustangs sunk by the Midshipmen

Tennessee Loses to Bama

Great rivalry game in the SEC. Bama barely beats the Vols.

Okla St Loses to Texas

Team dressed in orange will win this one.

LSU Loses to Georgia

Upset special of the week. Tigers get bit by the dawgs.

Kansas State Loses to Oklahoma

Bet the double-wide on this one.

VA Tech Loses to Florida State

Semiholes beat Beamer

Wyoming Loses to TCU

Horned Frogs frolic

Baylor Loses to Nebraska

Huskers to strong for the Baptist

Kansas Loses to Texas Tech

The air will be full of footballs.

Middle Tennessee Loses to Miss. St.

Won’t be a lot of offense in this one.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Ramblins Issue #7

Redneck Ramblins

1. Vote all the bums out of office and I approve of this message.
2. I am old enough to remember when:
   • there was sportsmanship in sports
   • the democrats were the conservative party
   • pro ballplayers needed other jobs during the off season
   • network prime time shows were worth watchin’
3. Y’all probably noticed the ‘Ads by Google’ on this page. Well, we earned nuff income so far for the RC. Next month, we be hopin’ for the Moon Pie. Ye ain’t gotta buy anything, but click on the ads. There is some neat stuff thar!
4. Did you hear about the two Auburn students who died in the cafeteria last week? They were trying to get milk and the cow fell on them.
5. AIG stands for Arrogant Ignorant Goobers
6. Hey feds, I want $85 billion so that I can throw a $440,000 party. I have lots of rowdy friends that are coming over tonight!
7. What oughta happen is that the AIG execs have to pay the company back every penny except $ 100 per night hotel, $30 a day for food, and $ 30 per round of golf. That’s what normal working redneck stiffs pay ‘cause that’s all we can afford or allowed by our employers.
8. IRA stands for Irreversible Reducing Account
9. It’s all my fault. I decided to retire and the market crashed. My bad!
10. They oughta have ‘em debates in the Deep South. It is so dry thar that the candidates couldn’t make mud to sling.
11. The candidates want change. I already have it. It’s all that’s left of the IRA.
12. Don’t y’all just get a kick out of watching the congressional hearings of the financial dudes. Where the congressmen are railing the execs for bad financial decisions and frivolous spending. Where I come from we say that is the pot calling the kettle black.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

Some people have said that King Richard doesn’t have any experience in Washington. Ain’t true. Lookie here…………..looks right at home if you ask me!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

10-year-old driver flips van in Tenn.
Oct. 7, 2008 10:08 AM
Associated Press

A 10-year-old was driving up to 90 mph when he crashed a van carrying a man who told police he had drank at least 15 beers and a woman who was trying to swallow as many pills as she could when deputies arrived at the scene, Tennessee authorities said Tuesday.

The young driver lost control and the vehicle rolled, coming to rest on its top in northeastern Tennessee, Sullivan County authorities said. The two adults and three children in the van were taken to Bristol Memorial Hospital with minor injuries following Sunday’s crash.

Police charged 43-year-old Randy Lewis of Bristol with seven violations, including third offense DUI and felony reckless endangerment. People can be charged with DUI in Tennessee if they own the vehicle, even if they are not driving. A booking photo released by the Sheriff’s Office showed Lewis wearing a T-shirt that said, “Buy this dad a beer.” Paula Elaine Evans, who is 38 and also of Bristol, faces charges that include aggravated child abuse or neglect.

Lewis and Evans were being held in the Sullivan County Jail after a judge increased their bonds on Tuesday to $50,000 each at an arraignment hearing.

County jailers did not know if Lewis and Evans had retained attorneys and no one was immediately available to answer questions at the Sullivan County Public Defender’s office.

The sheriff’s office said Lewis acknowledged drinking liquor besides the beers.

The children – two 10-year-olds and a 6-year-old – were related to the adults, said authorities who declined to further detail the relationships.

The children were released to the Tennessee Children’s Services Department after being treated at the hospital.

Another example of “excellent parenting”. Oh, boy!!

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Bill)

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water across the lake on their 21st birthday.  On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat …. and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?’

Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, ‘Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb &#*@.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Huntin’ Dog

Racin Picks of the Week – Martinsville -The Chase is On!

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Tony Stewart
3. Ryan Newman

Ain’t True

This week somebody leaked a view at Jeff Burton’s new ride for 2009

The colossal Caterpillar 793 is one of the coolest pieces of heavy machinery on the planet. Traditionally powered by immense 16-cylinder engines churning out over 2000 HP, we’re now being told by Caterpillar that a new electric-drive version is on the way. But don’t think that means it’s going soft. The new 793F AC can carry about 250 tons of junk in its trunk, and that’s just the entry-level model. The burly 795F AC can take about 400 tons. That’s like having Arnold Schwarzenegger possessed by Al Gore…all while on horse steroids.

But it ain’t true. It don’t fit the templates at inspection……………..

Redneck Song of the Week

Waylon Jennings…Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way

Redneck Video of the Week

Bookmark this page:
http://www.fs.fed.us/conf/conditions/btb-streaming-2-north.htm
This is a live webcam atop Brasstown Bald (highest point in GA). Great fall shots!

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Redneck Economics

(compliments of my Redneck Retirement Financial Planner)

I was explaining to my youngin’s my investment strategy, why money can’t buy happiness, and some basic stock market definitions. Like the following:

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no “fun”.

BROKER — What my financial advisor has made me.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor who mistakes himself for a financial genius.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Former investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

In light of recent events, the Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill………

(Thanks to my redneck buddy, Tim Bob, for this pitcher………….)

It is all about perspective…

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.   But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        6-7     .462
Season Record             53-19    .736

The whole football world went weird this past week and the redneck prognostications were a wreck. The predictin’ machine is back in the shop, so this week I am pickin’ the losers

Louie’s Losers

NC State loses to Fla St

The only Coach Bowden (the oldest one) left wins this one

Wake Forest loses to Maryland

Great game played in MD. It’ll be close one too!

Clemson loses to Ga Tech

Clemson loses its coach and this game

Memphis loses to E. Carolina

EC has to regain its winning form sometime

Duke loses to Miami

Duke is good, but the thugs win

Va Tech loses to Boston College

Wished this one was being played in VA.

Syracuse loses to So. Fla

Bet yer double-wide game of the week.

Miss St loses to Tennessee

It will be close and don’t be surprised with an upset in this one.

Ole Miss loses to Bama

Bama might not cover the spread though.

Vandy loses to Georgia

The dawgs have trouble but win.

Texas A&M loses to Texas Tech

Red Raiders romp

Arkansas loses to KY

Hogs give one away

S Carolina loses to LSU

LSU is embarrassed after last week and will not lose two in a row.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Bless his heart, he is so poor he can’t pay attention”
- Said by many to all retired rednecks

Ramblins Issue #6

Redneck Ramblins

1. Y’all know that Mrs. Redneck is not an uppidty woman. She don’t like to talk ‘bout it, but little known fact that she does have a live-in maid, live-in cook, live-in landscaper, live-in maintaince man, and live-in chauffer. Sure glad that she let’s me live-in!
2. Looks like A-fraud has done for the Yankees what he did for the Rangers all those years. No playoffs again.
3. The MLB playoffs with no NY teams? Hell Yeah!!
4. Is it just a coincidence that homers are way down this year and so was steroid use?
5. I wish I was a dog and everyone in congress was a tree. They were investigatin’ performance enhancing drugs in baseball when they should’ve been investigatin’ Wall Street. Time to throw all the bums out!
6. Who’s gonna bail out the airline industry, auto manufacturers, bakeries……me?
7. I jest figured it out! The politicians are trying to screw up our economy so bad that it will solve the immigration problem. All ‘em illegal aliens will go home because it will be better there.
8. I wuz watchin’ some of the bail out stuff on TV the other night and had deju moo. Yep, that’s when you’ve heard this bull before.
9. Back in the day, we didn’t live as high on the hog, and I swear we were happier.
10. Now that we are fixin’ the economy, let’s pay preachers, teachers, policemen, firemen, and our service people what they are really worth! Same goes for politicians and CEO’s.

Redneck Political News

Feel like you ain’t got no choice? Don’t know who to vote fer?

Petty – Pearson in ‘08
No Debate ‘bout It

The STP candidate:

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Hospital tells grandfather, 71, that he’s pregnant

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) – A patient treated for agonizing abdominal pain received this surprising news in the hospital’s paperwork: “Based on your visit today, we know you are pregnant.” Surprising indeed for 71-year-old John Grady Pippen.

The staff at Curry General Hospital in Gold Beach gave the retired mechanic and logger the ridiculously happy news this month, along with some pain pills.

Hospital administrator William McMillan says an errant keystroke caused the hospital’s computer to spit out the wrong discharge instructions for the grandfather.

Yepper, we have us a health care crisis!

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my wannabe redneck buddy, Yankee Frank)

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into
the bank’s underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Alabama Redneck replied, “Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Please Tell Me This Will Never Happen

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/biztech/10/01/volt.car.nascar/index.html

Racin’ at ‘Dega

Dega is known for the big one and Sunday the big one happened twice. Really screwed up 10 of the chasers’ day and wiped out half of the field. You think that was bad, check out the big one in 1960 at Daytona that involved 37 cars. They just kept a wreckin’.

Racin Picks of the Week – Lowes Motor Speedway -The Chase is On!

1. Tony “Smoke” Stewart
2. Kasey “Pretty Boy” Kahne
3. Travis “Doing More with Less” Kvapil

Ain’t True

I didn’t check Snopes or Hoax busters to see if this actually works or if it’s a scam or hoax (pronounced hoe axe in the Deep South) cause I received this from my Redneck Bud, Bullseye. He is usually on target with this kinda stuff.

It has been said that…..
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
You should spray yourself with some Windex immediately…..
It’ll keep you from streaking.

Ooops!. The neighbor lady’s screaming. Must be a hoax!

Redneck Song of the Week

Gretchen Wilson – Redneck Woman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L30V5vnYHzk

Hell yeah! Makes a feller’s heart go pitty patter don’t it.

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck Fishing Tournament
(they bees Rednecks all over)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: (compliments of Redneck Tim)

Texas Geography & Other Interesting Facts

1. Beaumont to El Paso – 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago – 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World’s first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. (it was damaged just a touch by hurricane Ike)
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America’s only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalepeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in US history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
11. The first word spoken on the moon was “Houston”.
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical storm Claudette brought a US rainfall record of 43” in 24 hours in Alvin in July 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the US by treaty (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the US Flag and may divide into 5 states.
15. A live oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be over 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Dublin, TX has the oldest and only Dr Pepper bottling company that is still working and producing the original Dr Pepper.
19. Texas has had 6 capital cities: Washington-on-the-Brazos; Harrisburg; Galveston; Velasco; West Columbia; and Austin.
20. The Capitol dome in Austin is the only dome in the US that is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, DC – by 7 feet.
21. The name ‘Texas’ comes from the Hasini Indian word ‘tejas’ meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
22. The state mascot is the armadillo. Interesting bit of trivia about the ‘dillo is they always have 4 babies. They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.
23. The first domed stadium in the US was the Astrodome in Houston.

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record       9-4    .692
Season Record        47-12    .797

Louisville over Memphis

Cardinals BBQ Memphis

Auburn assails Arkansas

Tigers grease the pigs.

Boise St mashes So. Miss

At least this one won’t be played on that terrible blue field

E. Carolina barely over Virginia

EC wins by a FG

LSU gets by Gators

Upset special of the week.

GA bulldogs Tenn

Fulmer fumes again

KY scratches by Gamecocks of SC

The old ball coach loses a close one.

TAMU whips KSU Wildcats

Intra-family agro-game of the week. If Aggies win, I got the pick right. If KSU wins, we have bragging rights in the family. I win either way.

Sooners lasso Longhorns

Mack Brown can’t beat Oklahoma.

TX Tech nukes Nebraska

Too bad both teams can’t lose.

Tulsa smashes SMU

Bet the double-wide game of the week.

Vandy edges by Miss St

This will be a good one. How ‘bout Vandy beating Auburn last week for the first time since 1955?

WVA slaps Syracuse

Ridge runners run over Orangemen.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

- Jeff Foxworthy

Ramblins Issue #5

Redneck Ramblins

1. I told Mrs. Redneck the other night that now that I don’t have to impress anybody anymore that I was going to grow a mullet. Mrs. Redneck let me know ratnow that this was not a good idea. She even gave me THE LOOK!
2. Since I have paid all of my bills on time, why do I feel like I am about to be screwed on the gummit buyout deal?
3. Who oversees the overseers?
4. It’s all about GREED!
   1. Corporate greed
   2. Shareholder greed
   3. Consumer greed – don’t buy somethin’ ya can’t pay fer!
5. I have time now that I am retired to play the gas market. Yep, I get to decide when to fill up the muscle car with premium.
6. I am glad that I am writing this blog. I have heard from folks that I haven’t heard from in years. Amazing when you dis their team how angry they get. No, Vince Jr, I will not kiss yours, because your butt’s in B’ham and I ain’t traveling. Same to Marilyn in Jax and her big toe.  Also to many, it is physically impossible to do that to myself.
7. As my redneck son reminded me, I knowed them lines before I drawed ‘em.
8. Everybody seems surprised that China is producing products that are crap and that are making kids sick, killing pets. Folks, they don’t have gummit regulations over there (no EPA, no OSHA, no labor laws) that would cost them millions and millions per plant. That’s how they produce it so cheap. And what is worse, is that they don’t care! Do not buy China junk – ‘course good luck buying almost anything anymore not made in China. My grandmamma used to say “You get what you pay for”.
9. Almost the same goes for Mexico. The recent scares in the veggie bidness? They irrigate their crops with sewage water (good fertilizer though) and then use non-potable water in the produce plants. Any wonder why e. coli and salmonella end up in yer food? Remember the saying “Don’t drink the water”? The big surprise to me was that our federal gummit took 6 whole weeks to figure it out.
10. Is there a bigger dummy than Josh Howard? Where else can an average basketball player make the millions he does? Hey, Josh, why don’t you take yer ignert butt someplaceelse. And folks want to know why I don’t watch the NBA? Same reason I don’t watch anything out of Hollywood.
11. Think gas cost a lot now? Wait until a hurricane does major damage to gulf petro facilities or someone shoots somebody’s camel in the Middle East.
12. The politicians should have included themselves in the Do Not Call list and I approve of this message.

Redneck Political News

I heard a guy on the radio today talking about “Petty” politics. I told you that the Petty campaign is getting noticed.

There is No Debate

Petty – Pearson ‘08

Do you think that McCain just caught Petty sneaking up on him?

Could Be Worse I Reckon

Passengers Forced to Get Out and Push Broken Airplane Off Runway

Friday , September 26, 2008

A budget Chinese airline took flying pains to a new level Thursday after it made passengers get out and help push their broken plane to the gate, the Daily Mail reported.

The CRJ7 plane, with 69 passengers and seven crew members on board, had just flown from Guilin in the south of China, to Zhengzhou, the capital of Henan province. The plane landed safely but then died before it could taxi to the arrivals terminal.

The staff could not push the airplane on its own, so the passengers were asked to pitch in. Even with the added muscle power, it took the group nearly two hours to get the plane off the runway.

“Thank God it was only a 20-ton medium-sized airplane,” one of the airport workers told the Daily Mail. “If it were a big plane, it would have knocked us out.”

My redneck friends at American assure me that this is not an idea for one of their new fees. It’s just another example of Chinese crap quality.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Inmate wins $295K because of moldy, smelly mattress

A jury ruled last week that a convicted felon should receive $295,000 because he was forced to sleep on a “wet, moldy and foul smelling” mattress at a prison in Wisconsin, The Smoking Gun reports.

Reggie Townsend, 29, is serving a 23-year sentence for his role in the shooting death of an 11-year-old girl.

The Wisconsin State Journal says jurors concluded that guards denied Townsend “the minimal civilized measure of life’s necessities.” “I think the jury was rightfully upset at the way the prisoners had been treated,” David Harth, his lawyer, tells the paper. “It wasn’t a one-off thing. It was what happened during a 60-day stay in segregation.”

The prison guard may appeal the ruling, according to the State Journal.

Even though I think that this is a huge waste of the judicial system’s time and effort, I am okay with the verdict as long as he gives the $295k to the 11-year-old victim’s family.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Doug)

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man , I have to give you something.”

“You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!”

Redneck Picture of the Week  (compliments of my redneck brother)

Alabama Smoke Detector

Set Yer Tivo!

“My Big Fat Redneck Wedding” (The Series)
CMT

Racin’ at Kansas

Gotta give to “Concrete” Carl Edwards for trying to beat JJ in that last lap. He went into turn 3 wide butt open and made the pass only to find the “concrete” wall.

Racin Picks of the Week – ‘Dega -The Chase is On!

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Elliott Sadler
3. Brian Vickers

Ain’t True

The dummies in Washington think that building a wall will solve our immigration problem. “It’s the economy stupid”, as they like to spout. The Mexican economy is so far worse than that in the USA that their people risk their very lives to enter this country. A wall will not stop them. They will just use the thousands of tunnels that they have already dug or ride in the back of a semi.

Maybe the dummies in Washington are to blame. They passed the legislation that makes us give the illegal aliens free education, freemedical care, drivers licenses, and other public assistance all without having to pay any taxes or insurance. What part of illegal do they not understand?

Maybe we oughta build a wall on the Canadian border! Them Canucks are really causing a problem, eh!

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Down Home” – Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck Amusement Park

Redneck Education Tip of the Week

Now that I have the time, I have written that book that I have always wanted to write. In fact I have written three. As a free gift for reading this blog, here they are in their entirety:

Business

“How to Make a Profit”
Sell it for more than it cost ya.

Sports

“How to Win”
Score more points than ‘em.

Diet

“How to Lose Weight”
Burn more calories than ya take in.

Durn Yankee publishers want 400 other pages of gobblygook before they will even print these.

Rebel Football Pickins

I had to send the Rebel Pickins crystal ball to the shop for recalibration after last week. I guess the equinox and/or full moon got it all caddywampus. It did, however, predict the “black-out” at Georgia!! Roll tide!!!

Didn’t it make you feel good that the Univ of Super Conceit got beat last week! Way to Ore St!!

Last Week Record    7-6    .538
Season Record      38-8    .826

S. Fla whoops Pitt

Speed kills!

Memphis over UAB

Memphis barbeques Blazers

Bama tames Ky Wildcats

Bama rolls!

Auburn barely beats Vandy

Tigers better be careful now, ya hear!

Florida hangs the Hogs

Upset by the upset last week, Gators bet their double-wides.

Fla International beats UNT

Gotta be the game with the worst teams this week.

Ga Tech beats Duke

Yellow Jackets engineer a win to make Blue Devils blue.

Fla State upsets Miami

Upset special of the week in a game only a warden could love

Ole Miss beats S. Carolina

Ole Ball Coach loses a close one

Okie State runs over Aggies

Aggie Band wins another halftime

Tx Tech thumps K. State

Wildcats have no defense. High scoring game

Tulane marches over Army

Cadets get no Southern hospitality

Va Tech defeat W. KY

This one will not be even close.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

“We really don’t care how you did it up North!”
- All rednecks

Ramblins Issue #4

Redneck Ramblins

1. Gas at $4 is bad enough. You would think that the stations could now afford to put paper in pumps for receipts, change the water in the washer stations, get some new squeegees, and clean the restrooms.
2. Remember when gas was 20 cents and the nice guys, as they pumped your gas for you, checked your oil, battery, radiator, cleaned your windshield, and aired up the tires? And then they thanked you for business.
3. We don’t need more government regulation, we need corporate responsibility!
4. Tell me one thing besides war that the federal gummit can do better than private enterprise?
5. Come to think of it, if we told a redneck mercenary force that Osamba bin Laden was responsible for Dale Earnhardt’s death, he would be found by sundown.
6. Another Auburn grad died this week. This time at a pie eating contest. Yep, a cow stepped on him.
7. Ever seen a Florida State grad in a three piece suit without hearing “will the defendant please rise”?
8. Am I supposed to feel sorry for those that were told to evacuate or die and now refuse to leave a place that is uninhabitable?
9. The TV remote is a wonderful thing during election season and I approve of this message.
10. If NASCAR adopted the English only policy that the LPGA tried, there would be only 5-6 cars on the track each week. Them good ol’ boys ain’t bilingual.
11. Some people have asked why I don’t write this entire blog in Suthern. Well, some Yankees read this and I don’t want them to be confused with things like retard and retired.

What it is Like to be a Retired Redneck

Many have written to ask what retirement is like. Here is my weekly schedule:

Last week it rained on Tuesday and the power went out for four hours. I got behind and had to work on Friday, so this week I took a comp day.

Redneck Political News:

Tired of all the election goings ons? Don’t know who to vote fer?

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Woman faces charge after dishwashing dispute

Sep 15, 4:49 PM (ET)
FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) – Police say a 20-year-old woman faces an aggravated assault charge after she bit her boyfriend, broke a picture frame across his face and swung at him with a sword during an argument about him not doing the dishes.

The woman was arrested Thursday afternoon at the couple’s apartment, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported on its Web site.

The 21-year-old man told police that he became involved in an argument because the woman was upset that the dishes were not clean. Police Lt. Paul Henderson said the woman told the man to leave the apartment, but he refused.

Henderson said the woman then tried to physically remove the man. During the ensuing struggle, the woman bit the man’s right shoulder and broke a picture frame across his face, causing visible cuts, Henderson said.

The woman then grabbed an approximately 2-foot sword and swung it at him, but missed, police said.

The woman was released from a Mansfield jail after posting a $10,000 bond, jail officials said.

You still wundering why I do the dishes everyday???

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Rich J. – a yankee)

One morning three Alabama good old boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game.

The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket between them.

‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asked one of the Yankees.

‘Watch and learn,’ answered one of the boys from the South.

When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’ The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.

‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

‘Watch and learn,’ answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee’s bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’

There’s just no way on God’s green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Timeout

Set Yer Tivo!

New Dodge Challenger Test Drive
SPEED, September 27th at 6:30pm ET.

Racin’ at Dover:

Roush boys had ‘er dialed in at Dover finishing 1-2-3. This is the 7th time since 1997 that a team has had the top 3 finishers – 5 of them by the Roush team. In fact, one of them – Homestead 2005 – Roush finished 1-2-3-4. This is the second time this year a team has finished 1-2-3, the other being done by RCR at Bristol. Me and Mrs. Redneck were at that race! The only other time a non-Roush team did it was Hendrick’s boys at the Daytona 500 in ’97.

Racin Picks of the Week – Kansas – The Chase is On!

1. Clint “Home Boy” Bowyer (from Emporia, KS)
2. Greg “Can he make it 3 in a row” Biffle
3. David “The Roo” Reutimann

Ain’t True

Even though Snopes.com did not investigate this, I did some real deep searching to find out if John McCain helped develop the blackberry.

This is false, although he is almost old enough to have been around when God invented the juicy little berries. Them berries is good in cobblers.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Rednecks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer” – Johnny Russell
Nominated for Grammy Award in 1973

Redneck Video of the Week:

Bocephus (Hank Jr.) “Country Boy Can Survive”

We might get an opportunity to prove this if the economy doesn’t get better soon!

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        11-1    .917
Season Record            31-2    .939

Clemson thumps Terrapins

Clemson rubs the rock at home to mush Maryland

Miami mauls NC

NC is blue again after another close one.

Florida mashes Ole Miss

In the swamp, the Gators are tuff.

Auburn barely beats Rocky Tops

Another great SEC game and the Tigers thank God that they are home.

E. Carolina humbles Houston

EC rebounds for victory after OT upset last week.

Wake Forest sinks Navy

Devils defy defeat to remain unbeaten.

Kentucky klobbers W. Kentucky

Intrastate game of the week.

SC skates by UAB

The ole ball coach wins easily.

LSU bullies Miss St Bulldogs

The bet yer double-wide game of the week.

Texas A&M over Army

Corps win ugly over Cadets. Best bet is that Aggie Band wins yet another halftime.

NC State upsets S. Fla

Riding high from OT upset of EC, NC State does it again.

Bama beats Dawgs

Upset special of the week. Saban’s boys win between the hedges.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

– Retired rednecks everywhere.

Ramblins Issue #3

Redneck Ramblins

1. I told you I didn’t like Ike!
2. To me there are no bad kids, but I can’t say the same for their parents.
3. On Friday the 5th, I became a grandscoutmaster again. Greg & Julie Stone welcomed Emily into the world. I have loss count of how many grandscoutchildren that I have now. It’s a bunch. But I do know one thing — they all have great parents.
4. Last Thursday, Auburn University announced that they had to close their library. Someone colored all the pages in their only book.
5. It is really amazing what you can think of when your mind is clear of all that work stuff.
6. Work is way overrated and is now a four letter word for me.

Redneck Political News:

Tired of all the election goings ons? Don’t know who to vote for?

Lookie here…

….were gaining traction here

Are You Elitist or Redneck?

http://www.star-telegram.com/245/story/903297.html

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) – A man with four previous drunken driving convictions who was stopped for weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 40 was ready with an excuse for his poor driving: his passenger spilled his beer.

Not surprisingly, the man was arrested just before midnight Saturday, said state police officer Kurtis Ward, who said he initially thought the driver was joking.

“He was so matter of fact about it, like it wasn’t a big deal,” Ward said.

The 31-year-old man was allegedly too drunk to perform field sobriety tests and was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges, court records said.

Ward found four opened bottles of beer in the car, court records showed.

It was the man’s sixth DWI arrest. He had been found guilty of four of five previous drunken driving charges and has paid $1,750 in fines, the DWI Resource Center said.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Ron)

Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Bubba gets in line, and when it’s his turn the preacher asks: ‘Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you?’

Bubba replies:
‘Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.’

The preacher puts one finger in Bubba’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba’s head and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, Stands back and asks: ‘Bubba, how is your hearing now?’

Bubba says,
”I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t until next Wednesday.’

Redneck Picture of the Week (thanks to Sofa)

Going green to reduce that carbon footprint and make Gore happy.

Chase Finish –Projections (made 9/10/08)

1. Jimmy Johnson – wins more chase races than anyone
2. Carl Edwards – momentum and Roush-Yates horsepower
3. Dale Jr. – consistent and driven
4. Kevin Harvick – stealthy and on a roll of consistent top 5’s
5. Kyle Busch – checkers or wreckers guy – too many wreckers – lead will be gone after race 4
6. Tony Stewart – distractions and bad luck keep him from higher place
7. Jeff Burton – consistent but no wins keep him mid-pack
8. Greg Biffle – something happens every race -could do better if luck changes
9. Denny Hamlin – needs to adjust attitude – getting too much like Shrub
10. Matt Kennseth – just not running well enough and bad luck stuff
11. Jeff Gordon – ditto and something ain’t clicking with that team
12. Clint Bowyer – ditto

Racin’ at New Hampshire:

Little did I know that Kyle Busch’s lead would be gone before the first half of race one.
Poor Kennseth. No luck at all.
I don’t think that you can win the championship this year with a bad race.

Racin Picks of the Week – Dover –The Chase is On!

1. “Concrete” Carl Edwards
2. Mark “Ole Man” Martin
3. “The Roo” Reutimann

Ain’t True

Why is it that both campaigns have “truth” squads to ferret out the lies of the other camp and inform the public of the real truth? Wouldn’t it be more efficient to ensure that your camp told the truth to begin with? Wow! That just make too much sense………..

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Take This Job and Shove It”
Johnny Paycheck

Redneck Video of the Week:

***Warning*** R-rated due to language, because there was lots of alcohol involved here***
If you are in an office, I highly suggest you turn the SOUND OFF!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DORFAjS-pq0

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Philosophy
People are Like Horses

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record 12-0 1.000
Season Record 20-1 .952

UConn beats Baylor Baptists

Baylor gets baptized!

Alabama hangs the Hogs

Sooey pigs make this a close one though!

LSU outscores Auburn

Great game, but LSU’s offense scores more than Auburn’s defense

Miami maims TAMU

Rough start for the Aggies

E. Carolina eases past NC State

These guys are for real

Georgia Tech barely beats Miss State

Miss St defense is tough and will slow Tech down

Georgia struggles in the desert against Ariz St

UGA kicks a FG to win

Florida swamps the Rocky Tops of Tenn

Another great SEC game

Va Tech block NC

Va Tech kicking game turns Carolina blue

TCU whoops SMU

Metroplex rivalry games is not close this time

So Florida sinks Fla International

Bet the double-wide game of the week

Tulane trims La-Monroe

Intrastate rivalry game

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Hey y’all, watch this……..”

(many, many late great redneck’s last words)

Ramblins Issue #2

Redneck Ramblins

1. I don’t like Ike!
2. The thing that I hate worse than engine gunk and the dreaded aero-push, is the media trying to make nothing into something.
3. It’s a good thing that my granddaddy never lived to see bottled water, fitness centers, and $4 lattes. He drank from a dipper at the well, stayed in shape with manual labor, and ground his own coffee with a hand-cranked mill. He often said that if you had trouble sleeping at night it was because you didn’t work hard enough during the day.
4. Does it bother you too that the side effects of the prescriptions advertised on TV sound worse that the symptoms they are supposed to cure?
5. Did you hear the bad news? An Auburn grad was killed this week out huntin’. Yep, he was all dressed in his Realtree® camo following some tracks. Train hit him.
6. The thing I like most about retirement is that every day is like a Saturday, except Sunday which is church day.
7. Another good thing about retirement is that I don’t have to be PC anymore. What are they going to do kick me out of the account or fire me?

Redneck Political News

Tired of all the election goings ons? Don’t know who to vote for?

Lookie here………. Petty for President
http://www.inews3.com/topstory.php?id=526963686172647c5065747479

What we need in this country right now is a King! One man doing what is right instead of a bunch of fools only worrying about getting re-elected and lining their own pockets. It would end the partisan paralysis. Since Elvis is supposedly dead, the only “King” I know available is King Richard. He could straighten things out for four years and then turn it back over to the politicians. He has horsepower, goes fast, could shake that finger at people and get things done. If they mess with him, he could put ‘em into the wall. The democrats would love him since he would only turn left. This could bring reunification to the great US of A.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Duck stamp number sends callers to sex line

• Phone number was written in letter and number form
• The number listed in all numerals led callers to 1-800-TRAMP24
• Card did also correctly list number as 1-800-STAMP24
• The Fish and Wildlife Service, in charge of program, printed 3.5 million card

Then the dude in charge makes it worse:

Ashton Potter’s president and chief executive, Barry Switzer, said that the company was provided with the wrong telephone number.

“We reproduced the wrong number correctly,” he said. “We regret this whole situation happened, but we did our job properly.”

You did your job properly? Dang gummit…….Never accountable for anything! Bunch of booger eating morons.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Ron)

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. ‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming.’

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’, said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby ‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor…

‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?’

Redneck Picture of the Week

Oh my gawd! I think she may be a bit serious about change!
(Yea, I know this is a fake, but so is wrastlin’ and people still watch it.)

Racin’ Recap – Richmond:

Junior got into Rowdy “Punk” Busch at Richmond and it was an accident – I promise! Wink-wink. If you remember last week’s wishful thinking. I just missed it a little. Jr did give JR Nation what they wanted though. Redemption!

Racin Picks of the Week – New Hampshire -The Chase is On!

1. Kevin Harvick
2. Martin Truex, Jr.
3. Joey “the best thing since sliced bread” Logano (first cup race)

Ain’t True — Only in NASCAR

NASCAR recently announced the qualifications for entry into the start-of -the year classic Bud Shootout. In years past, you gained entry by winning the Bud Pole Award for at least one race in the prior year or were a past champion of the event.

In 2009, NASCAR announced that it was going to help support the automobile makers that supported NASACR. The top 6 drivers by make – Chevy, Ford, Dodge, and Toyota – will make up the 24 driver field in the Bud Shootout.

Despite the spin of NASCAR, the real reason they changed things up was to cover their own mess – a marketing wreck. At the start of the 2008 season, Coors replaced Bud as the sponsor of Pole Day. Therefore, if NASCAR hadn’t changed the entry rules, the Coors Pole Award Winners would be racin’ in the Bud Shootout. A good redneck knows that you don’t mix your beers.

Redneck Song of the Week

In memory of the “Snowman” (Jerry Reed) from Smokey and the Bandit who died this past week, you get to pick your favorite song that he wrote:

“When You’re Hot, You’re Hot”
“Lord, Mr. Ford”
“She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft)”
“(I’m Just a Redneck) in a Rock ‘n’ Roll Bar”
“East Bound and Down”
“The Bird”

Redneck Commercial of the Week:

This one is a classic. I’ve seen it a hundred times and it’s still funny. Happy Harvick is hilarious.

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

How Beer Works
http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf
(Compliments of my WVA ridge runner buddy, DK)

Rebel Football Pickins

S Florida beats The Other Univ in Kansas

Some times you’re the pigeon and sometimes you’re the statue. Jayhawks get pooped on this week.

Clemson beats NC State

After the embarrassment against Bama, Bowden beats the boys from Raleigh.

Tennessee over UAB

Rocky Tops top Bama Birmingham.

E. Carolina beats Tulane

Doubt this game will be played (Ike), but if it is – my upset special of last week, EC, will prevail.

LSU wallops UNT

Another game that is doubtful to be played due to Ike and UNT better hope that it does get blown away before they do!

UGA over SC

The dawgs win another versus the Ole Ball Coach.

Duke over Navy

A very academic game. Duke solves the problem to sink the Midshipmen.

Vanderbilt over Rice

Another brain game. Vandy cooks Rice.

t.u. beats Arkansas

In a battle of old SWC rivals, the Longhorns gore the Razorbacks.

Va Tech over Ga Tech

Beamer engineers a win over the engineers.

Auburn beats Miss St

This will be a tough win for the Tigers and they barely win.

Bama best W Kentucky

This is the bet yer double-wide game of the week.

Fla State beats Chattanooga

Seminoles do a snake dance on the Moccasins.

Last Week Record    8-1      .888
Season Record        8-1    .888

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Boy, what is there to do after midnight that ain’t trouble?”

(the late great Daddy  4/7/1921- 9/8/2001)
I sure miss the ole man and to this day have been unable to answer the question.

Ramblins of a Retired Redneck Rebel

This past week I retired after 45 years in the baking bidness. I have hung up the apron, takin off my travelin shoes, and started a new career…..writin! Hopefully this will be a weekly thang -that is unless the fish are biting or the boss has somethin for me to do. Yes, even though I am retired, I still have a boss and she is the boss! I have to be good to her because she is the only income provider right now. A good friend of mine once said that “a man who says he is the boss at home will lie about other things too!”

You are encouraged to send along  ¢ontribution$ and even jokes, ideas, and pictures for me to include in Ramblins. Hey, I am on a fixed income here!! Enjoy these not so serious Ramblins…….

Redneck Ramblins

1. If Yankees think they are so smart, why is it that the SAT scores in the South go down each year as more of them move here?
2. Why do they have a front row in church since nobody sits there?
3. Heard some yankee yakker on a radio sports show saying that it must be fall because the southern folk are talking college football again. Dummy doesn’t know that we talk college football only a minimum of 365 days a year. Even on Christmas and Easter when some of our best fights,  err I mean our most intense family discussions happen. It is only in the fall that the yankee yakkers pay attention.
4. My biggest fear is that Gustav’s damage wasn’t as great as once predicted and next time nobody will leave. Then we gonna have a fine mess……..and it will probably gonna be Bush’s fault again.
5. Want a solution to the oil crisis? Make ethanol from kudzu ………..it’s true –lookie here……….. http://chemicallygreen.com/kudzu-ethanol/
6. In all my travels up North, I never saw a Snake Farm on the side of the road up there. Wonder why?
7. Ya know after writing this far, Microsoft Word’s grammar and spelling checking thingee is having a hissy fit. Maybe ole Bill Gates needs to produce a Southern version for grammar (or lack thereof) and spellin’.

Redneck Joke of the Week (compliments of my redneck buddy, Bullseye)

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old redneck rancher.

He tells the redneck rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?‘

The old redneck rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old redneck rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

‘Your card! Show him Your card!’

Just goes to show ya that Yankees and especially government Yankees need to listen to Southern rednecks more. Be a whole lot less trouble in the world.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Y’alls mama always told you not to run in the house. Poor little youngan needs to listen to his mama……………

Set Yer Tivo!

Check out the show on CMT called “20 Great Redneck Moments”. It is a hoot. Next showin is Sept 8th.

Ain’t True:

Even though Snopes.com didn’t do it, I have done some intense investigation and found that the following is not true:

“All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain’t doin’ it to Alabama.” (Reported in a recent e-mail)

Ain’t true at all. Wal-Mart being the high tech rednecks that they are instantly re-supplied every Wal-Mart within hours after the run on ammo started.

And really who cares if Russia invaded Georgia as long as it was in Buckhead or Dunwoody.

Racin’ at Richmond:

Remember the last race at Richmond? Of course any red-blooded rebel does. It was when Rowdy punk-face Busch spun Jr. into the fence. Well, I got an idea. Instead of booing Busch just ignore him and keep quiet. He loves the negative attention. The silence will kill him!!  My redneck racin buddy is going to Richmond this week. Hey, Tim spread the word. And yes, I am jealous!

Wishful Thinkin

Rowdy punk-faced Busch will be so concerned about Jr. returning the favor that when Jr. is on his tail, he’ll be looking in the mirror and plow into the turn 1 wall. OK, it is wishful thinking…you smiled though, didn’t ya?

Racin Picks of the Week

1. Denny “Home Boy” Hamlin (from Chesterfield, VA)
2. Mark “Ole Man” Martin
3. Joey “the best thing since sliced bread” Logano (first cup race)

Huh??

Just where is Jeff Gordon from anyway? I’ve seen and heard California; Pittsboro, IN; Charlotte, NC; and Manhattan, NY? I think he’d run better if he knew where he was from really. You can’t get to where you wanna go until you know where you’re at! “My home is in Alabama” although I live in Texas. I ougtha write a song about that. Hmmm … some band already did? OK then I will do “Sweet Home Alabama”. That too? Dang…….. I sure miss down home.

Rebel Football Pickins

THE Univ of Alabama over The Evacuees (Tulane)

Tulane has a great medical school and they will need it to treat all the wounds after this one. I really do feel sorry for Tulane since they didn’t have a home after Katrina and now this…….

Cow College of the Plains (Auburn) over So. Miss

My redneck brother went to Auburn. I wish he coulda gone someplace to where he coulda got an education.

Arkansas over LA – Monroe

Inter-state rivalry game?    Bet y’all’s double-wide on this one.

Florida over NE of the South (Miami)

My redneck racin buddy went to the Gator Farm in Gainesville. Therefore, my pick this week.

UGA’s Doghouse over Central Mich

The new dawg, UGA, wins again. (Their old UGA died and was replaced) What’s with all these directional schools this week?

South Florida over Univ Central FL

The guys that can’t academically qualify at any other school beat another directional school.

New Mexico over The Aggies

NM  — save the time and money. No need to even show up. The Aggies will beat themselves again. Apologizes to my redneck aggie son……. Hey, their mascot, Reville, died too and their replacement isn’t as good as UGA yet.

E. Carolina over W. VA

Another battle of directional schools. EC will be riding high after whoopin VA Tech last week. Did you see them Beamer-ball Beamer with that blocked punt return? My somewhat sincere sympathies to my redneck bud, Ron.

Tulsa over N TX

Coach Dodge is finding that UNT doesn’t have the facilities, boosters, and recruiting budget of his old Southlake Carroll High School. Somewhat sincere sympathies also for my redneck daughter and son-in-law…………

Football Note of the Week:

After UCLA beat the Rocky Tops (Tenn) Monday night in OT, Coach Fullmer looked like somebody just stole his pickem up and run over his best huntin dog. BTW, I was educated in UCLA (Upper Corner of Lower Alabama). This was a great game, but being a Bama Boy I couldn’t pull for the Rocky Tops and I don’t like anything in So Cal either, especially their perennial probation producing coach Neuheisel.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

American by birth and a Southerner by the Grace of God!!
(the late great Lewis Grizzard, a great American)