Issue 30

Redneck Ramblins

1. One problem with retirement is deciding when to take my vacations.
2. The Economic Summit was sooooooo important that it took all of one day?
3. The media was more concerned with the first lady’s wardrobe than the summit.
4. Obama fires CEO’s while North Korea fires rockets. Looks like all of Hillary’s diplomacy really worked.
5. Looks like Obama and I finally agree on something – we both picked UNC in our brackets.
6. Think you want federal health care? Go to the post office and think again.
7. This afternoon, 4/6, the Texas Rangers are undefeated and in first place. I had to get that one in quickly. Won’t last long.
8. It’s Master’s Week. Nothing like sitting in Amen Corner. Right next to a religious experience.
9. Mrs. Redneck was encouraging me to eat more peanut butter and now she says I need to eat pistachios? Last year it was tomatoes, jalepenos, and spinach. Don’t you just hate fad diets?
10. For those wanting to know when you are going to get your bailout. You received it almost 2,000 years ago on a cross. All of your debts were forgiven. Happy Easter!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

KISSIMMEE, Fla. — A woman locked in her car in Kissimmee called 911 on Tuesday.

“It’s getting very hot in here, and I’m not feeling well,” the caller told the dispatcher.

The woman said nothing electrical was working, so her locks wouldn’t open.

The dispatcher calmly told her to pull the lock up with her hand.

“Um, I’m sorry,” said the woman, who was not identified, after the lock opened.

And, no, officials say, this was not an early April Fool’s Day joke.

Listen the woman’s call to 911.

http://www.wesh.com/video/19064669/index.html

Redneck Joke of the Week

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Redneck Picture of the Week

This cartoon appeared in the newspaper in October 2002, but is even more relevant today!

Racin’

Redneck son and I went to the races this past weekend in Texas. You go for the event – sounds, smells, people. You can watch the race on TV – although you would miss most of the racin’ since the networks tend to show only the ones running up front.

Saturday’s race was a bummer. Punk Busch was upfront all day and it wasn’t much of a race. But the weather was fantastic.

Sunday’s race was good. Lots of racin’ for position and with a little drama at the end. Good to see that Jeff Gordon can still win. The wind was blowin’ 40 mph and it got cold in the shade, but fun anyways.

Some highlights of the weekend were the tee shirts:

• Voted Most Likely to Take Your Boyfriend (and I think she could’ve)
• I’m Not a OB-GYN, But I’ll Be Glad to Take a Look
• My Drinking Team Has Got a Racin’ Problem

Favorite Line Heard:

• That chick’s so hot she has caused global warming all by herself.

No racin’ this weekend because of Easter, but we have the Masters!

Ain’t True

Woman accused of driving 103 mph with grandson in the car

Mar 31, 9:10 PM (ET)

SALEM, Ore. (AP) – Authorities arrested a woman accused of driving 103 mph with her 10-year-old grandson in the car. Sheriff’s Lt. Sheila Lorance said Deputy Ryan Postlewait saw the woman’s Mazda 6 whizz by on Hylo Road on Sunday, and he confirmed the speed on a radar gun. Though the road is known to attract speeders, Postlewait reported that he has never clocked anyone driving that fast.

The driver, a 53-year-old woman, reportedly told authorities she was trying to teach her grandson about the dangers of speeding, and warned him never to drive the way she was about to.

The woman was charged with reckless driving and reckless endangering.

Ain’t true that grandma was speeding. She was just trying to qualify!

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Midnight in Montgomery” – Alan Jackson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp3AY4zbRwU

Redneck Video of the Week:

Coon Huntin’

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Learn how ta Speak Redneck

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar
in my pickup truck.”

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: “If yo wife’s mad at ya, it’s smart to take her some flares.”

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in “Gone With the Wind.”
Usage: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dayum.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!”

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: “You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn’t give fiddy cent for it.”

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “Pa dun had a hot attack.” HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred.”

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: “These pickles Sure are saar.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: “Where’s yo paw, son?” “He’s ovair, suh.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?”

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: “Muchablige for the lift, mister.”

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain’t.
Usage: “Mighty hot today, idinit?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – Seen, past tense.
VIEW – Have You?
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:”Shut that door. It’s phraisin in here.”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.

Larry McMurtry, ‘Lonesome Dove’
US author (1936 – )