Issue 43
Redneck Ramblins
- All that stimulus money was “guaranteed” to bring jobs. Where are they?
- MJ was not the King of Pop; he was the King of Weird!
- Alabama’s state motto should be “Thank God for Mississippi” for a lot of reasons. This week Mississippi turned up as the Fattest State followed by Alabama.
- The neighborhood kids aren’t playing doctor anymore. They are playing Governor and Senator.
- Looks like Minnesota’s comical Senatorial seat fiasco finally went to the comedian. He will feel at home. There are lots of jokers there.
- Bernie’s 150 year sentence hopefully will deter any others from stealing people’s life savings. Let them all rot in jail.
- I thought the US had a wake up call on 9/11, but looks like we hit the snooze button and rolled back over.
- Michael Jackson and Elvis were just spotted by the back door of a pharmacy.
- We are dependent on our soldiers for our independence.
- Life is good!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Man Uses Nail Clippers in DIY Circumcision
Published: 9:00AM BST 30 Jun 2009
A man who gave himself a DIY circumcision using nail clippers was taken to hospital for emergency treatment.
The young man had to be rushed to the Lister Hospital in Stevenage, Hertfordshire. The wound was disinfected to cleanse it before he was given a bed in an observation ward.
“This is something we would advise men never to attempt,” a medic said, “The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an affect on a man’s sexual performance.
“Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand.”
Redneck Joke of the Week
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ‘em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
Redneck Picture of the Week
Another Use for Duct Tape!
Racin’
Smoke knocked “Punk” Busch out of the way to capture Daytona in a great one.
This week is Chicagoland Speedway. The picks:
- Kyle “The Punk” Busch
- Kurt “I Don’t Want to be His Brother Anymore” Busch
- Reed Sorenson
Hey, anybody I pick usually wreaks so I am just doing my part to jinx the Busch Bros.
Ain’t True
Baby opossum rescued from NY soda machine
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Jun 25, 9:25 PM (ET)
JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. (AP) – A baby opossum’s instinct to play dead evidently didn’t help matters after it got wedged inside a soda machine at an upstate New York fitness club. The animal ran into the Court Jester Athletic Club in Johnson City, N.Y., near Binghamton, and scurried behind a soda machine in the front vestibule Wednesday evening.
The club’s assistant manager called police realizing the critter was stuck inside, hanging upside down in a compartment below the soda dispenser.
A police officer tried to pull the animal from the bottom of the machine, but it was lodged in place and making no apparent move to escape. About a half hour later, an employee arrived with a key for the machine, the front panel was opened and the animal rescued. The officer released it in a nearby cemetery.
Ain’t true that they released it in a cemetery so that it could play dead.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Billy Currington – People are Crazy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqrogegV1lw
Redneck Video of the Week:
World’s Strongest Redneck – Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QBhJOiOk_4
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Top twelve indicators that the economy is bad:
12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. President Obama met with small businesses – GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?”
3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And my most favorite indicator of all…
1. If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.
Harry S Truman, August 8, 1950
33rd president of US (1884 – 1972)
