Issue 44
Redneck Ramblins
- Headline: “Bloody 4th of July Weekend in Chicago: 8 Dead, Dozens Wounded — 4 Killed, 2 Dozen Or More Wounded In Just 6 Hours”. I suggest that we pull out of Chicago because it is too violent, too many people getting killed, and the local government cannot maintain peace.
- Why do all of the gold investment companies want you to buy gold from them because it is such an incredible investment? If it is that good, they should keep it themselves.
- Seeing a lot more smart cars on the road. Now if we could just get smart drivers….
- Bubba quit eating natural foods when he heard that Earl died of natural causes.
- Mrs. Redneck and my redneck daughter are watching “The View”. Best I can reckon, it is a show that sees how many women can yell at each other at the same time.
- “The Never Can Say Goodbye” tour is hopefully over. Media, please get over MJ and move on to something or somebody that is meaningful and/or makes a real difference.
- I am beginning to warm up to this “Hope” and “Change” thing. I hope we change from what we are doing now.
- Ryan Seacrest gets $15 million per year new contract and people who really make a difference get layoffs and paycuts. Our priorities are way outta whack!
- Invest in the youth of America. It is the best and wisest investment you can make.
- Pray for the troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Authorities remove 42 tons of trash from property
MASTIC BEACH, N.Y. (AP) – A father and son are facing almost $20,000 in fees and fines after New York authorities said they removed about 42 tons of trash from their property. Brookhaven Town officials said they took away tires, car parts, hoses and other trash – about 85,000 pounds in all – piled up on a residential lot in Mastic Beach on eastern Long Island.
The site on Daisy Drive also has a single-family home, where John W. Mallgren and his son, John R. Mallgren, live.
Authorities said the Mallgrens will have to pay $8,742 for removal of the trash, which filled 10 garbage trucks. They also face fines. The house was condemned last month.
Bubba thinks they had a nice collection.
Redneck Joke of the Week
Dear Ma and Pa
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, as they get warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, black eyed peas, grits, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags something awful.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
Redneck Picture of the Week
Redneck Car A/C
Racin’
Mark Martin won his fourth race of the year Saturday night at Chicagoland. It helps bring a smile to the face of us more “experienced” fans.
There will be no Cup Racin’ this week. It is a week off before the Brickyard.
Ain’t True
White House spells Obama’s name wrong
Someone might want to look into whether an impostor took President Obama’s place during his trip to Russia
In a release touting an agreement between Obama and President Dmitry Medvedev over how to craft a follow-up to the START arms reduction treaty, the White House claimed the document had been signed by one “Barak Obama.”
Whoops:
We know that those people have trouble with math, they don’t read, and it ain’t true that they can spell either.
Redneck Song of the Week:
American Soldier – Toby Keith
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyJTIXKI1mA
Redneck Video of the Week:
World’s Strongest Redneck – Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rp6MTJ40f08
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a. ‘66 Ford Fairlane
b. ‘69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c. ‘64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.
Harry S Truman, quoted by Time, June 9, 1975
33rd president of US (1884 – 1972)
