Issue 45

Redneck Ramblins

Why doesn’t Congress fix the VA, Medicare, and Medicaid first to prove that the government can run healthcare properly?
They run the postal service, TSA, VA, medicare, Medicaid, social security. What makes you think that we will get a good healthcare and service?
If the burden falls on the “rich” and business, then all the trillions that they have spent on “stimulus” will go further down the drain. The “rich” own the businesses that employ people and will either cut their staff or raise prices to make up the difference. Duh!
Bubba gets his free health care when he takes Killer to the vet.
Who woulda ever thunk that the TW that would have given us the thrills at the British Open woulda been 59 year old Tom Watson. Thanks for the class and effort from all us other senior golfers. The other TW, the young whipper snapper Tiger Woods, didn’t even make the cut.
Our newspaper has gotten pathetic. If they want people to take their paper, they had better increase the quality not decrease it.
Happy birthday to Mrs. Redneck and Redneck brother.
Customer service may not be dead, but it is in critical condition.
And that’s the way it was. RIP Walter Cronkite – the last professional journalist.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

NH man charged 23 quadrillion dollars for smokes

MANCHESTER, N.H. – A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.

Josh Muszynski (Moo-SIN’-ski) checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number – a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

Muszynski says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.

The bank corrected the error the next day.

Word out of the White House is that this isn’t a new “sin” tax to pay for everything the new administration is doing. But they wished they had thought of it first.

Redneck Joke of the Week

One day a southerner was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a Yankee businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the Yankee businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!” The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what would my reward be?”

“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the Yankee’s answer.

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, “You’ll make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

The Yankee businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.

“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you’ll never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset, without a care in the world!”

The fisherman looked up at the poor Yankee and smiled.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Swimmin’ Hole

tifi-pool

Racin’

After an off week, it is off to the Brickyard in Indy. Hope they don’t have the tire problems that they did last year. That was the worst race ever!

Picks: (way out on the limb this week)

Jimmy Johnson
Jeff Gordon
Tony Stewart

Ain’t True

Aurora, IL woman’s car slathered in barbecue sauce, pickles

July 7, 2009

Revenge, according to the proverb, is a dish that is best served cold.

But apparently, it also can be served like a pulled pork sandwich.

That’s the speculation of an Aurora woman who found her car slathered with barbecue sauce and pickles on consecutive nights.

On July 1, the 23-year-old victim, who was not identified by police, discovered her 2001 Chevrolet Impala had been hit by a condiment assault.

The woman cleaned her car and moved it to a different part of the driveway, so it was nearer to the house and blocked from the street by a family member’s car.

Around 3 a.m., she heard her dog barking. And the next morning, she found a second helping of sauce and pickles covering her car.

The victim told police that she suspects the source of the tangy harassment is a woman she had confronted because the woman was interested in the victim’s boyfriend.

According to the report from the Kane County sheriff’s police, the sauce and pickles didn’t hurt the car’s finish. The woman hosed them off as police stood by.

Ain’t true that an Impala could ever be mistaken for a pulled pork sandwich.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“If You’re Reading This” – Tim McGraw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEjz-wAQLSA

Redneck Video of the Week:

A Hero’s Salute – SSgt John Beale

This will make you proud to be an American, especially a Southern American. Please watch all the way to the end. It only gets better…….. and have tissues ready.

Killed in action the week before, the body of Staff Sergeant First Class John C. Beale was returned to Falcon Field in Peachtree City Georgia, just south of Atlanta, on June 11, 2009. The Henry County Police Department escorted the procession to the funeral home in McDonough Georgia. A simple notice in local papers indicated the road route to be taken and the approximate time.

Nowadays one can be led to believe that America no longer respects honor and no longer honors sacrifice outside the military. Be it known that there are many places in this land where people still recognize the courage and
impact of total self-sacrifice. Georgia remains one of those graceful places.

The link below is a short travelogue of that day’s remarkable and painful journey. But only watch this if you wish to have some of your faith in people restored. Please share widely.

http://blip.tv/play/AYGJ5h6YgmE

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

26 Tips for Yankees Moving South

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
People walk slower here.
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’”, as in “big ol’ truck”or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy”,”Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.