Issue 71
Redneck Ramblins
- Federal intelligence. That’s an oxymoron, right?
- Hey, Al Gore. Please tell the South about that global warming thing again.
- Got to think Pete Carroll’s leaving USC largely due to NCAA investigations.
- Reid would be a racist except he is a Democrat.
- Soon it will costs as much to fly your bag as you.
- Conan O’Brien – NBC’s redheaded stepchild.
- Bubba has figured out how to get aid to global disasters real quick. Ya just need to send it with the TV News correspondents. They somehow get there within hours.
- I hereby withdraw my name from consideration as the next head coach at Tennessee. Had to do it since everyone else is.
- Obama wants to tax the bailout banks. Why not just call it a fee. Serves them right.
- USC = Unable to Stay Clean
- The best part of an election year is that it is the only time politicians speak the truth. They call each other liars.
- Happy Confederate Heroes Day! (Tuesday, January 19th)
- Pray for your troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Wife allegedly changes wires on saw to shock hubby
The Associated Press
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Court papers allege that an Olympia woman, angry that her husband left her, tampered with his power tools so that he received a powerful electric shock. Carolyn Paulsen-Riat was booked Friday into the Thurston County Jail for investigation of third-degree assault, domestic violence, and second-degree malicious mischief. A judge released the 33-year-old woman on her own recognizance.
The Olympian newspaper reported that court documents said that on Jan. 1, the man was using a 220-volt table saw when he received the shock, knocking him to the ground. Thurston County sheriff’s deputies said the man did not need to go to a hospital.
In the documents, deputies said the woman told them she had reversed the wires on his power tools because she was angry he was leaving.
That is just downright low to mess with a man’s tools.
Headlines
REPORT: Corrupt China officials pocket 50 billion...
Our politicians can teach them a thing or two….
California lawmakers to decide whether to consider legalizing pot for pleasure.
The state will still be broke, but they won’t care, Man!
Lane Kiffin leaves Tennessee for USC
Why mess around with minor NCAA infractions when you can go big time.
Joe Biden update: He meets on transparency today. But the meeting is closed
It is very transparent that they don’t want anyone to know what they’re doing.
Redneck Joke of the Week
It Pays to be Old
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’
Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.
‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’
Sally said, ‘No.’
Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’
Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: ’Tell us the story from the beginning’
Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . …’
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’
Redneck Picture of the Week
Stampede
Racin’
Less than a month to the Daytona 500.
Ain’t True
Duck hunters spark nuclear weapons plant lockdown
A pair of duck hunters has trigged a security alert at a nuclear weapons assembly plant in Amarillo, Texas.
Officials locked the plant after getting reports of individuals in camouflage gear stalking across the road from the factory.
They turned out to be two plant employees who had decided to spend their day off hunting fowl.
The plant was briefly shut as a “precautionary measure,” a plant official said.
“They were just doing what people do around here,” said Carson County Sheriff Tam Terry.
“They just had a lot more company than they were planning on.”
The pair, who sparked the alert when spotted early in the morning carrying arms and dressed in camouflage gear, were later found in a nearby field setting up decoys.
No charges will be filed against the men who both had permission to hunt from the local landowner.
Ain’t true that their ammunition was from the plant inventory.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Brooks & Dunn – Play Something Country
Redneck Video of the Week:
Lost Generation
(watch all the way to the end)
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
IT DON’T COST NUTHIN’ TO BE NICE
At a Touchdown Club meeting many years before his
death, Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant told the following
story:
I had just been named the new head coach at Alabama
and was off in my old car down in South Alabama recruiting a
prospect who was supposed to have been a pretty good player
and I was having’ trouble finding the place..
Getting hungry I spied an old cinder block building
with a small sign out front that simply said
“Restaurant.” I pull up, go in and every head in
the place turns to stare at me. Seems I’m the only white
fella in the place. But the food smelled good so I skip a
table and go up to a cement bar and sit. A big ole man in a
tee shirt and cap comes over and says, “What do you
need?”
I told him I needed lunch and what did they have
today?
He says, “You probably won’t like it here,
today we’re having chitlins, collared greens and black
eyed peas with cornbread. I’ll bet you don’t even
know what chitlins are, do you?”(small intestines of hogs prepared as
food in the deep South)
I looked him square in the eye and said, “I’m
from Arkansas , I’ve probably eaten a mile of them.
Sounds like I’m in the right place.”
They all smiled as he left to serve me up a big plate.
When he comes back he says, “You ain’t from around
here then?”
I explain I’m the new football coach up
in Tuscaloosa at the University and I’m here to find
whatever that boy’s name was, and he says, “Yeah I’ve
heard of him, he’s supposed to be pretty good.” And he
gives me directions to the school so I can meet him and his
coach.
As I’m paying up to leave, I remember my manners
and leave a tip, not too big to be flashy, but a good one
and he told me lunch was on him, but I told him for a lunch
that good, I felt I should pay. The big man asked me if I
had a photograph or something he could hang up to show
I’d been there.
I was so new that I didn’t have any yet. It really
wasn’t that big a thing back then to be asked for, but I
took a napkin and wrote his name and address on it and told
him I’d get him one. I met the kid I was looking’
for later that afternoon and I don’t remember his name,
but do remember I didn’t think much of him when I met
him.
I had wasted a day, or so I thought. When I got back
to Tuscaloosa late that night, I took that napkin from my
shirt pocket and put it under my keys so I wouldn’t
forget it. Back then I was excited that anybody would want a
picture of me.
The next day we found a picture and I wrote on it,
“Thanks for the best lunch I’ve ever had.”
Now let’s go a whole buncha years down the road.
Now we have black players at Alabama and I’m back down
in that part of the country scouting an offensive lineman we
sure needed.
Y’all remember, (and I forget the name, but
it’s not important to the story), well anyway, he’s
got two friends going to Auburn and he tells me he’s got
his heart set on Auburn too, so I leave empty handed and go
on to see some others while I’m down there.
Two days later, I’m in my office in Tuscaloosa and
the phone rings and it’s this kid who just turned me
down, and he says, “Coach, do you still want me at
Alabama ?”
And I said, “Yes I sure do.” And he says OK, he’ll come.
And I say, “Well son, what changed your mind?”
And he said, “When my grandpa found out
that I had a chance to play for you and said no, he pitched
a fit and told me I wasn’t going nowhere but Alabama ,
and wasn’t playing for nobody but you. He thinks a lot
of you and has ever since y’all met.”
Well, I didn’t know his granddad from Adam’s
housecat so I asked him who his granddaddy was and he said,
“You probably don’t remember him, but you ate in
his restaurant your first year at Alabama and you sent him a
picture that he’s had hung in that place ever since….
That picture’s his pride and joy and he still
tells everybody about the day that Bear Bryant came in and
had chitlins with him…”
“My grandpa said that when you left there, he
never expected you to remember him or to send him that
picture, but you kept your word to him and to Grandpa,
that’s everything. He said you could teach me more than
football and I had to play for a man like you, so I guess
I’m going to.”
I was floored. But I learned that the lessons my mama taught me were
always right. It don’t cost nuthin’ to be nice. It don’t cost nuthin’ to do the right thing most of the time, and it costs a lot to lose your good name by breaking
your word to someone.
When I went back to sign that boy, I looked up his
Grandpa and he’s still running that place, but it looks
a lot better now; and he didn’t have chitlins that day,
but he had some ribs that would make Dreamland proud and I
made sure I posed for a lot of pictures; and don’t think
I didn’t leave some new ones for him, too, along with a
signed football. I made it clear to all my assistants to keep this
story and these lessons in mind when they’re out on the
road. If you remember anything else from me, remember this.
It really doesn’t cost anything to be nice, and
the rewards can be unimaginable. ~ Coach Paul
“Bear” Bryant
*********************************
Editor’s Note: Coach Bryant was in the presence of
these few gentlemen for only minutes, and he defined himself
for life. Regardless of our profession, we do define
ourselves by how we treat others, and how we behave in the
presence of others, and most of the time, we have only
minutes or seconds to leave a lasting impression… We can
be rude, crude, arrogant, cantankerous, or we can be nice.
Nice is always a better choice.
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given
the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his
name, but that America gave him the White House based on
the same credentials.”- Newt Gingrich
