Issue 73
Redneck Ramblins
- After spending $ 1.4 trillion, the administration is now freezing federal spending?
- You can start by eliminating all the earmarks (campaign promise) and not buying votes for your legislation.
- Hearing that Favre’s retirement hinges on his endorsement deal with Waffle House.
- Ford posted a $ 2.7 billion profit for 2009 and is the only domestic carmaker to not get a gummit bailout. Ummmmmmmm.
- Bubba is trying to figure out how every insurance company can save you $300-$400 compared to the others. He is now switching from State Farm, to Progressive and then to Nationwide and then to Geico…….For long he be getting insurance for free!
- Have you noticed all the tax services that are advertising to do your 1040-EZ filing for $39? Seriously, if you need help with the EZ form, then you really do need help.
- Common sense is now an oxymoron. Ain’t too common anymore.
- Mrs. Redneck’s vehicle just alerted her that she had low tire pressure. She was not impressed with the smartness of the vehicle. She said that it should just send a message directly to me to fix it.
- Obama’s new budget axes the NASA moon missions. That’s okay, we can just climb the trillions of dollars in deficit and reach the moon anyway.
- Although I agree with Obama that there should be a playoff system in the top tier of NCAA football, please keep yer dang hands off of our beloved sport. The gummit ain’t got no bidness messing with it. It’s messed up enough already. Don’t ya even think about NASCAR or you might get hurt.
- Happy Groundhog’s Day!
- Pray for the troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
JOPLIN, Mo. – Police in Missouri say a man accused of stealing a ring coughed up the evidence while officers were questioning him.
Pictures of the two-carat diamond ring worth about $20,000 were sent to jewelers in the Joplin area after it was reported stolen when someone took the owner’s purse from her car on Thursday.
The Joplin Globe reports that the owner of Newton’s Jewelry recognized the ring when a man and woman came to his store a few hours after the theft and said they wanted to sell it. L.T. Newton and his staff stalled them and called police.
Police say the man swallowed the ring when officers arrived. While being questioned, he began to cough uncontrollably and eventually coughed up the ring.
The man and woman are charged with receiving stolen property.
Headlines
Obama: I’d rather be a ‘really good’ one-term president
Here’s hoping for both.
Winter Storm Smacks Dixie
Tell Al Gore that there is 4-6 inches of global warming all over the ground in the South.
NASCAR cuts team purses by 10 percent
Okay, this economy has gone far enough……..
Cessna lands on Houston golf course
Landed on 11th fairway. Does that count as a fairway hit?
Redneck Joke of the Week
A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer.
One day, the car dealer informed the farmer
that he was coming over to purchase a cow.
The farmer priced the unit as follows:
Basic Cow $ 999.95
Shipping and Handling 35.75
Extra Stomach 79.25
Two-tone Exterior 142.10
Produce Storage Compartment 128.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.60
4-Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery 170.80
Deluxe Dual Horns 59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment 339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly 884.16
Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb 69.80
Farmer Suggested List Price $ 3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment 300.00
Total list price
(including options) $ 3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags 418.00
TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $ 4054.26
Redneck Picture of the Week
State Of The Union Address
“It’s All Bush’s Fault!”
Racin’
They start practicin’ on Thursday for the Shootout and the Daytona 500. Gatorade Duals this week! Life is about to return to normal.
Ain’t True
An auto shop owner in Sanibel totaled his customer’s Porsche when he took it out for “diagnostics,” hitting speeds as high as 164 mph and flipping the car on a road shoulder, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.
Kenneth R. Kasten, 50, escaped without injury from the crash, which occurred on a curve by the Sanibel Tollbooth around 6 a.m. The 2008 Porsche Boxster suffered $50,000 in damage. It came to rest upside-down on the shoulder of McGregor Boulevard, east of the toll booth.
Kasten was charged with willful and wreckless driving and leaving the scene of a crash.
According to reports, the car’s owner dropped the car at Kasten’s shop, Sanibel Shell, for service on Wednesday. She was aware he had driven the sportscar home for diagnostics, the report said. She didn’t know about the wreck until notified by at trooper.
When discovered, the car was thought to be stolen. Kasten was later found at the toll parking lot at 11:30 a.m., according to the report.
He was wearing a seatbelt at the time of the crash, according to the report. Alcohol was not believed to be a factor.
Ain’t true that alcohol was a factor, but stupidity or lack of talent surely was.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Trace Adkins – “Ala Freakin Bama”
Redneck Video of the Week:
G.R.I.T.S. – Girls Raised in the South – Brantley Gilbert
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
How to Build Ultimate Deer Stand
Start with medium camping trailer
Haul to hunting area
Jam some poles in the ground
Raise using front loaders
Raise way up and fasten
Drink beer and admire your work
Add a deck so you will have place to drink beer
Build some stairs so you do not have to climb ladder after drinking beer
Add bbq grill. Can't live on beer alone.
Raise way up and fasten
Drink beer and admire your work
Add a deck so you will have place to drink beer
Build some stairs so you do not have to climb ladder after drinking beer
Add bbq grill. Can't live on beer alone.
Practice shooting deer with piece of lumber
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.”
Thomas Jefferson
3rd president of US (1743 – 1826)
