Issue 74
Redneck Ramblins
- Toyota can’t seem to catch a “brake” this week.
- Bubba spent all week cleaning the house. Next week he will start on the senate.
- Ever wonder why jocks think they are more special than everyone else? Could be the overcooked press conferences and nationwide live coverage from ESPN. Too bad the kid who gets a full ride from MIT doesn’t get the same treatment. He might actually contribute something to society.
- Who Dat! Nawlins got rid of Nagin and won a Super Bowl in the same weekend! Dat who!
- I picked the correct score and said that Peyton would kill em. Just picked the wrong Payton. The Ain’ts ain’t anymore
- Seems like all the people I have talked to watched the Super Bowl commercials which were interrupted by a game.
- Good news. The massive global warming has shut down DC.
- They are making fun of Sarah Palin writing notes on her palm for a speech. She was just using her Redneck Palm Pilot.
- Remember the troops that are fighting for your freedom.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Cat predicts 50 deaths in RI nursing home
A cat with an uncanny ability to detect when nursing home patients are about to die has proven itself in around 50 cases by curling up with them in their final hours, according to a new book.
Dr David Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor at Brown University, said that five years of records showed Oscar rarely erring, sometimes proving medical staff at the New England nursing home wrong in their predictions over which patients were close to death.
The cat, now five and generally unsociable, was adopted as a kitten at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, Rhode Island, which specialises in caring for people with severe dementia.
Dr Dosa first publicised Oscar’s gift in an article in the New England Journal of Medicine in 2007. Since then, the cat has gone on to double the number of imminent deaths it has sensed and convinced the geriatrician that it is no fluke.
The tortoiseshell and white cat spends its days pacing from room to room, rarely spending any time with patients except those with just hours to live.
If kept outside the room of a dying patient, Oscar will scratch on the door trying to get in.
When nurses once placed the cat on the bed of a patient they thought close to death, Oscar “charged out” and went to sit beside someone in another room. The cat’s judgement was better than that of the nurses: the second patient died that evening, while the first lived for two more days.
Dr Dosa and other staff are so confident in Oscar’s accuracy that they will alert family members when the cat jumps on to a bed and stretches out beside its occupant.
“It’s not like he dawdles. He’ll slip out for two minutes, grab some kibble and then he’s back at the patient’s side. It’s like he’s literally on a vigil,” Dr Dosa wrote.
Dr Dosa noted that the nursing home keeps five other cats, but none of the others have ever displayed a similar ability.
In his book, “Making rounds with Oscar: the extraordinary gift of an ordinary cat”, Dr Dosa offers no solid scientific explanation for Oscar’s behaviour.
He suggests Oscar is able – like dogs, which can reportedly smell cancer – to detect ketones, the distinctly-odoured biochemicals given off by dying cells.
Far from recoiling from Oscar’s presence, now they know its significance, relatives and friends of patients have been comforted and sometimes praised the cat in newspaper death notices and eulogies, said Dr Dosa.
“People were actually taking great comfort in this idea, that this animal was there and might be there when their loved ones eventually pass. He was there when they couldn’t be,” he said.
Another reason not to like cats hanging around.
Headlines
Americans drinking more but favoring less expensive brands
It’s Obama’s fault. He is driving us to drink, but we can no longer afford the good stuff.
Obama prays for civility toward DC
That gate swings both ways, sir!
Is US bullying Toyota on recall to help Government Motors?
Hey, it is a competitive business. Kick ‘em when you can.
Obama predicts Colts victory in Super Bowl
He’s been wrong on plenty of other stuff too.
Redneck Joke of the Week
In Washington an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he
had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned
for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I
die”, whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The House and Senate waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted
to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,
“I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will
certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected.”
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Reid’s hand
in his right hand and Pelosi’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
Finally Nancy Pelosi spoke.
“Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose
us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life
after Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
“Amen”, said Reid.
“Amen”, said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I
would like to do the same.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Caution Rednecks at Play - FW Rodeo
Racin’
Let’s go racin’ boys! (and Danica)
The long, long off season is finally over. The good ol boys is racin’ again!
The picks for the Great American Race:
- Tony Stewart
- Matt Kenseth
- Elliot Sadler
Ain’t True
NEW YORK — A New York City fourth-grader was sent to the principal’s office and nearly suspended for bringing a 2-inch toy gun to school.
(insert pic of toy gun)
Nine-year-old Patrick Timoney and a friend were playing with Legos in the cafeteria at Public School 52 in Staten Island on Tuesday when Patrick produced the tiny plastic machine gun and put it in the hands of a plastic police officer.
After Patrick’s mother got a call from the school, his parents met with the principal and persuaded her not to discipline him if he agreed to leave the toy gun at home.
The boy’s father, also named Patrick Timoney, says principal Evelyn Mastroianni “went overboard.”
Mastroianni did not immediately respond to an e-mail seeking comment Thursday.
Ain’t true that they teach or practice common sense in school anymore.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Rhett Akins, That Ain’t My Truck
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Redneck Video of the Week:
Smart Dawg’s Great Escape
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Security Alert
A math teacher was arrested today at JohnF. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”
- Dale Carnegie
