Issue 78

Redneck Ramblins

More wasteful government spending – just received a letter telling me that I would receive a census form in the mail next week.
I think that Toyota should rethink their slogan – Moving Forward.
Have you noticed that Iraqis are risking their lives to vote and get the purple finger, yet most Americans don’t exercise their greatest right?
I am all for five day mail delivery. That just means that I get junk mail 5 days instead of 6.
Why do people care about who wore what at the Oscars? Why do people even care about the Oscars?
Rush Limbaugh says that he will leave the country if Congress passes the health care bill. We might want to go with him.
Carl Edwards was only given a three race probation for intentionally wrecking Brad Keselowski at Atlanta. Boy, is Bristol gonna be fun!
Unemployment continues to rise. Tell me again how that stimulus package was supposed to work.
Can’t understand the buzz about 3D TV. I can’t watch most of the stuff on my 2D TVs.
Pray for the troops y’all!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Crash blamed on motorist shaving privates

KEY WEST, Fla., March 7 (UPI) — The Florida Highway Patrol alleges a two-vehicle crash in Cudjoe Key, Fla., was caused by a female motorist trying to shave her private parts.

Trooper Gary Dunick alleges the woman, identified as Megan Mariah Barnes, was attempting to shave her bikini area while her former husband was holding the wheel when Barnes’ car crashed into the back of a pickup truck, the Key West (Fla.) Citizen reported Friday.

“She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit,” Dunick alleges. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it.”

Two female passengers in the pickup truck were treated for minor injuries after Tuesday’s accident.

Authorities said one day before the accident, Barnes was convicted of driving under the influence with a prior and driving with a suspended license, the Citizen reported. As a result of the conviction, her driver’s license was revoked for five years and her car was supposed to be impounded.

The Citizen said Barnes, 37, is facing charges of driving with a revoked license, reckless driving and driving with no insurance. She is also facing a charge of leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries for allegedly driving an additional half-mile after Tuesday’s crash.

I guess now there will be a law that you can’t shave your privates while driving much like the law about texting.

Headlines

PELOSI HEALTHCARE: ‘We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it’…

Ain’t that a bit backards? Usually you read what is in the bill, discuss it, and then vote on it.

New Zealand woman sells souls to highest bidder

Our politicians having been doing that for years.

McDonough woman sentenced to federal prison for Katrina fraud

One down and few thousand to go!

Chief Justice Roberts ‘Troubled’ by Scene at the State of the Union Address

I was troubled by the whole State of the Union Address.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Two ninety year old men, Joe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Joe comes to visit him every day.

“Sam,” says Joe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s baseball in Heaven.”

Sam looks up at Joe from his death bed, and says, “Joe, you’ve been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Joe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, “Joe…. Joe….”

“Who is it?” says Joe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Joe, it’s me, Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam!”

“Sam? Is that you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got really good news and a little bad news.”

“So, tell me the good news first,” says Joe.

“The good news,” says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who’ve gone before us are there. Better yet, we’re all young men again. Better yet, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!”

“Really?” says Joe, “That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams!
But, what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching next Tuesday.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

napping

Racin’

Since we don’t have any racin’ this weekend, here is a picture of real racin’.

pinewood derby

Jeff Gordon, driver of the No. 24 DuPont Chevrolet, participated in a Pinewood Derby with Atlanta-area Boy Scouts at Atlanta Motor Speedway last weekend.

Ain’t True

MONTESANO, Wash. (AP) — Autopsy results show a Washington man was electrocuted by touching a downed power line with his hand, not through his urine stream, as first suspected.

Grays Harbor County Chief Deputy Dave Pimentel (PIM’-en-tel) said the results showed 50-year-old Roy Messenger of Elma touched the wire and the current shot through his body to his feet.

Pimentel said Thursday that Messenger may have been urinating at the time, but it had nothing to do with his death.

Messenger’s car collided with a power pole Friday, knocking down the wire, and he called relatives to help pull his car from a ditch.

When relatives found him dead, it appeared he had urinated on the downed wire.

Ain’t true that he died from peeing on the downed power line, but I bet the line shocked the pee out of him.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Life Is A Highway” – Rascal Flatts

Redneck Video of the Week:

Reagan – Obama Debate

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Legend of The Dogwood Tree Story

dogwood

Two thousand years ago, few trees in the Middle East were big enough to construct anything. However, one tree was valued above the others for its thick trunk and fine, strong wood.

When the Romans came to rule over Jerusalem, their government used this same timber to build the crosses for executing criminals. A group of workers were assigned to gather wood for the crosses. Before long, every Roman official knew the best wood came from these gatherers of execution wood, so those workers became popular.

One day, the wood gatherers received a special request. An officer of the Roman court came and said, “The King of Jews is to be put to death. Deliver an extra-large cross made from your finest wood.” So, a fresh tree was cut from the forest of the trees with thick trunks and fine, strong wood. An extra-tall (and extra-heavy) cross was quickly made and delivered.

Three days after the death of Jesus of Nazareth, the chief wood gatherer got alarming news. “All of our finest trees are withering!” the messenger whispered. The wood gatherer hurried to the forest and saw that it was true.

Several years later, the chief wood gatherer heard that, every spring, many people visited the old forest that had once made his job so easy. Despite his advancing years, he set out to discover why. He saw the remains of forest, now like a salty bottoms, with only a few trees still standing tall, bare, lifeless and rotting.

But what was this? As he drew closer, his feeble eyes could make out the people walking among thousands of beautiful, flowering bushes. Seeing one of his own workers there, the old man said, “No one could ever make a cross out of this twisted wood. Our finest tree has gone to the dogs!” He noticed the beautiful white flowers, each blossom looking as if it had been burned from the touch of a miniature cross. .As told to Ben Baston by his grandmother, Louise Brown.

There Is A Legend

At the time of Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus nailed upon it, sensed this.
In His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering Jesus said to the tree:
” Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross–two long and two short petals. And in the center of the outer edge of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember.”