Issue 80

Redneck Ramblins

Congress has voted, but we all get to vote every November!
I think unemployment is about to rise in DC.
I am firing every incumbent government office holder from the dog catcher to the President. I’m so done with their self-serving!!
My brackets are broke.
I finally found something that I agreed with Obama on and we were both wrong. KU stunk it up.
Just wondering if the mid – 90’s Clinton’s health care would have been as bad as this new bill seems.
All heck is gonna break out when folks finally are able to figure out what is in that Obamacare. All sorts of stuff snuck in there to buy dummycrat’s votes.
It is all the Republicans’ fault since they didn’t have anybody better to run in ’06 and ’08. They lost the Presidency and Congress due to their lack of depth of leadership. Who is gonna step up?
Wonder how ol’ OJ is doing?
Jesse James is a dummy.
We saw all four season in Texas last week.
America – home of the free only because of the brave! God bless our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Man accused of disabling 100 cars over Internet

Mar. 17, 2010 03:34 PM
Associated Press

DALLAS – Police say a man fired from a Texas auto dealership used an Internet service to remotely disable ignitions and set off car horns of more than 100 vehicles sold at his former workplace.

Austin police arrested 20-year-old Omar Ramos-Lopez on Wednesday, charging him with felony breach of computer security.

Police say Ramos-Lopez used the password of a former colleague to deactivate starters and set off car horns. Several car owners say they had to call tow trucks and were left stranded at work.

The dealership installs GPS devices that can prevent cars from starting. The system is used to repossess cars when buyers are overdue on payments.

Ramos-Lopez remains in the Travis County Jail with bond set at $3,000.

Better be nice to geeks. They can really mess you up.

Headlines

ACORN on verge of bankruptcy…

Maybe they can get a bailout from their buddy Obama.

Tea Party’s Vow: Dems Will Pay

Whew. That’s good news. I thought I was gonna have to pay.

Small-business owners unclear on health care impact

Even those that voted for it and the man that signed don’t have clue.

CBS: Pelosi’s favorability ratings 11%, Reid at 8%…

Really surprised that they are that high.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.

His father said to him,
“I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son,
I’m real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you’ve studied your bible diligently,
but you didn’t get a hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment
and replied, “You know dad,
I’ve been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied,
“Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

two story outhouse

Racin’

You had to know that Jimmie Johnson would some day win at Bristol. That some day was last week, so now it is goodbye wing, return of the spoiler and off to the home of the world famous Martinsville Hot Dogs.

The picks:

Jimmie Johnson
Jeff Gordon
Dale Jr.

Ain’t True

NEW YORK, March 18 (UPI) — New York police said they are trying to figure out why officers have visited an elderly couple’s home more than 50 times seeking suspects they had never met.

Walter Martin, 83, and his wife, Rose, 82, said police have knocked on their door up to 75 times since 2002 and each time said they were seeking a suspect or key witness in crimes including robbery, murder and rape, the New York Daily News reported Thursday.

“Our identity theft squad is investigating the matter,” police spokesman Ed Mullen said.

The Martins said they had never heard of any of the suspects until police came to their door.

“I’m really worried,” Rose Martin said. “How could so many people get my address and how could cops be coming from so many different precincts?”

Ain’t true that the cops is smart enough to figure this out after say the first 10 times!

Redneck Song of the Week:

Josh Thompson – Beer On The Table

Redneck Video of the Week:

Key House Democrat: “There Are No Rules Here …

We Make Them Up As We Go Along”

At least he was telling the truth. Not real usual for a politician. See below….

7 Broken Promises:

1. Make Government Open and Transparent
2. Make it “Impossible” for Congressmen to slip in Pork Barrel Projects
3. Meetings where laws are written will be more open to the public (republicans shut out)
4. No more secrecy
5. Public will have 5 days to look at a Bill
6. You’ll know what’s in it (Republican Senators didnt know)
7. We will put every pork barrel project online

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

“Tools Explained”

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, crap!”

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SOB TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling Son of a b#@*h” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.