Issue 83
Redneck Ramblins
- Bubba heard that you are what you eat. He is now eating only rich foods.
- Gas prices are up. Must be to benefit Obama’s rich oil buddies.
- One lesson from retirement: working is lots more enjoyable when you wanna versus when you gotta.
- Sure hope the jet dryers don’t lead the most laps this weekend at Texas Motor Speedway.
- Bubba used to eat natural foods until he realized that most people die of natural causes.
- Congrats to Phil for winning the Masters, but I am not about to say that this was a victory for the family man. Call me a cynic, but you just never know anymore.
- Gotta love the airlines. First, they charge for checking a bag, so you carry-on, which they get no money and there is no room to stow it. Now Spirit wants to charge for carry-ons too. And you wonder why people hate to travel?
- Just filed my federal taxes. I paid one heck of a lot less taxes than two years ago. Wanna know the secret? Retirement!
- Ol’ Big Ben from the Steelers has been saved twice now for his indiscretions. Don’t think that the third time will be the charm. Note to Ben: keep your willy zipped.
- We are the home of the free because of the brave. God bless our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Pornographic magazine for the blind launched
A pornographic magazine for the blind has been launched – complete with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women.
The book, the brainchild of Lisa Murphy and called Tactile Minds, is designed to be ‘enjoyed’ by the blind and visually impaired – and is on sale for £150.
Among the 17 raised images include a naked woman in a ‘disco pose’, a woman with ‘perfect breasts’ and a ‘male love robot’.
Canadian Lisa says that she made the book to fill a gap in the market, adding: “There are no books of tactile pictures of nudes for adults.
“We’re breaking new ground. Playboy has an edition with Braille wording, but there are no pictures.”
She said that she made the book after realizing that the ‘blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images’.
Between 1970 and 1985 Playboy printed copies of its famous magazine in Braille – but without raised pictures.
Headlines
Dow ends at 11,000 for first time in 18 months
Must be Bush’s fault.
Kyrgyz president ‘offers to resign’
Maybe this is the start of a trend.
Obama’s disregard for media reaches new heights at nuclear summit
Better be careful there Barak. They are support you. If they turn against you, you will be like Bush.
Gore: ‘What is your reaction to Arctic ice increasing?’
It’s Bush’s fault.
Redneck Joke of the Week
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”
Obama stopped talking and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called, but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
“Well, sir,” the cowboy replies, “Circle flies hang around ranches. They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
“Oh,” Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
“No, sir,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse’s ass.”
“That’s a good thing,” Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
“Hard to fool them flies, though.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Have a motorcycle without an engine. How about a running Ford Escort with T-bone-itis? Need to get you’re 80s three-wheeler trailered somewhere? Boy have we got a solution for you. Feast your eyes on this camouflaged Escort trike.
his beast was spotted in Amite county Mississippi, where curious onlookers couldn’t help but gape in a combination of awe, wonder, and fear. The builder is no-doubt a strong contender for the upcoming Redneck of the Year Awards, and rightly so, it takes a certain kind of genius to chop the entire center section of a Ford escort out, weld the front and back together, then affix a motorcycle frame to the front end. Not only is this thing put together with a disturbingly high level of quality, it’s probably pretty fast too — note the spoiler on the hood/trunk to keep things stable.
The entire picture is complete when the owner and his significant other come out to take off. Trailer full of three-wheeler in tow. That right there folks is American ingenuity at its finest.
Racin’
Rocket Ryan Newman returned to the winners circle in Phoenix last week saving us from Kyle Busch winning another one. Now it is a home race for us here in Texas. The new spoiler will be truly tested at high speed in traffic. Let’s just hope we don’t hear the dreaded words “aero push”.
The picks:
- Matt “The Brat” Kenseth
- Mark “Old Man” Martin
- Kevin “Happy” Harvick
Ain’t True
Man flies above N.C. in balloon chair
SANFORD, N.C., April 13 (UPI) — A North Carolina man traveled about 50 miles across the state during his trip in a chair attached to about 40 helium balloons.
Jonathan Trappe, a member of the Wings of Carolina Flying Club in Sanford, departed Saturday afternoon from the Sanford-Lee County airport in the specialized cluster balloon chair as part of an event for the club, the Raleigh (N.C.) News & Observer reported Tuesday.
WRAL-TV, Raleigh, said Trappe, who reached a top altitude of 7,000 feet, landed shortly after 7 a.m. Sunday in Fremont, N.C.
“Flying a gas balloon is unlike any other experience. There is no sound. No propellers, no jet engines. No burner, no heart-thumping rotors of a helicopter. Not even the wind that gliders experience. This is true, silent flight,” Trappe wrote on ClusterBalloon.com.
Trappe complied with Federal Aviation Administration rules during his flight by bringing along two-way aircraft radios, an altitude encoding transponder that caused his craft to appear on radar, a GPS device, an emergency locator beacon and other safety equipment.
The Wings of Carolina Flying Club said Trappe is planning a cluster balloon flight above the English Channel during the summer months.
Ain’t true that he charged a fee for luggage.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You – Lady Antebellum
Redneck Video of the Week:
Texas Stadium Demolition & Implosion
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing..’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
From Kingman, KS
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. – From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ’That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She’s a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ’it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“The way to secure liberty is to place it in the people’s hands, that is, to give them the power at all times to defend it in the legislature and in the courts of justice.”
John Adams
