Issue 87

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba was last seen heading to the Horizon well in the gulf armed with duct tape and tie wraps.
• The way the healthcare law is written it is much cheaper for many employers to pay the tax penalty than it is to offer health insurance to their employees.  For example, AT&T spent $4.7 billion on medical costs but would have been taxed a much lower amount ($600 million) for not offering their 1.2 million employees, retirees, and their dependents’ health care benefits  – a savings of $4.1 billion for the company.  Think the law was written this way to drive everybody to gummit healthcare?
• Hey Mr. Weatherman, this 20% chance of rain is flooding our street!
• President Obama signed the Press Freedom Act, and then promptly refused to take any questions. Such irony!
• I used to work all day and not think about it. Now if I think about work, I have to sit down and rest.
• Don’t you just love the story about the shortstop that is paid over $ 10 million a year that was benched for not hustling on two plays. Now he is lashing out at his manager and refuses to apologize to his teammates. Go get a real job, Ramirez!
• Hey poLIEticians! Can you hear us now? Anti-incumbent movement is working. Specter and Sestak are the latest to go. And this is just the primaries. Wait until November!!
• What is it with this “I mis-spoke” business? You lied, dude!
• Pray for our troops and may God bless America!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

BALTIMORE, May 15 (UPI) — Some residents of Baltimore’s Scarlett Place are balking at a plan to test every dog’s DNA to find the animal responsible for leaving poop at the upscale condo.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous,” said attorney Richard Hopp, who has lived in the condominium since 2006 with his dog Sparky. Hopp likened a plan to charge dog owners and guests with dogs $50 each to cover the DNA test and supplies to an episode of “Seinfeld.”

Dog owners would also be charged $10 per month to pay for collection of the poop by the building’s staff. The resident not cleaning up behind an offending dog would be fined $500.

The Scarlett Place condo board will vote on whether to mandate the doggy DNA testing at a hearing Wednesday, the Baltimore Sun reported.

“Some people think it’s funny. But you know, this seems to be a reasonable objective to say, ‘This is your poop, you’re responsible,’” Steve Frans, a condo board member, told the Sun.

Headlines

STUDY: Babies know difference between good and evil — at six months…

Unfortunately we seem to grow out of that.

OBAMA POINTS FINGER AT FINGER POINTERS…

Only because they are beginning to point at him.

Daily stress and worry plummet after age 50

Really plummet after retirement!

Napolitano Defends Spill Response: Gov’t has ‘limited capability and expertise’…

In any area……..

Redneck Joke of the Week

A redneck walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00.

The redneck says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same redneck walks into the bar and once again says

(with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands

the redneck a bill for $67.00. The redneck says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same redneck walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill.”

In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The redneck replies, “you!!??  No Way!

You get too violent when you drink.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Extended Cab Pickup

Racin’

This is the week of the No race – no points, no friends, no holes barred, no coming in second – NASCAR All-Star Race at Charlotte Motor Speedway. It’s checkers or wreckers. Fun race!!

The picks:

1. Kyle Busch
2. Kurt Busch
3. Kasey Kahne

Ain’t True

Man charged with faking his way into Harvard

WOBURN, Mass. — A Delaware man has been charged with faking his way into Harvard and duping the Ivy League school out of $45,000 in financial aid, grants and scholarships.

Adam Wheeler, 23, of Milton, Del., was admitted to Harvard and became a student in 2007 after he falsely claimed he had earned a perfect academic record at Phillips Academy in Andover and had studied for a year at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, prosecutors said Monday.

Ultimately, authorities said, Wheeler’s attempts to be an overachiever were his undoing: Harvard started to look into Wheeler’s background after he sought the school’s endorsement for Rhodes and Fulbright scholarships. A professor reviewing his application noticed similarities between Wheeler’s writing and that of a colleague, prosecutors said.

Wheeler was indicted on 20 offenses, including larceny, identity fraud and pretending to hold a degree. He was scheduled to be arraigned Tuesday in Middlesex Superior Court.

Wheeler, who was studying English, was trying to transfer to Yale and Brown when he got caught in the “web of lies and deceit,” Middlesex County District Attorney Gerry Leone said.

“This defendant’s actions cheated those who competed honestly and fairly for admissions and for the scholarships that this defendant fraudulently obtained,” Leone said.

A number listed to Adam Wheeler in Milton, Del., had been disconnected. Leone’s office did not know whether he had a lawyer.

In January, authorities say, Wheeler submitted transfer applications to Yale and Brown. In his applications, Wheeler said he was employed by McLean Hospital, a psychiatric facility affiliated with Harvard, even though he was not, Leone said. His transfer application included faked recommendations from an employee at the hospital and from his former Harvard dean, Leone said.

Harvard released a statement saying it could not discuss individual cases because of federal privacy laws and referred all questions to the Middlesex District Attorney’s office.

Before attending Harvard, Wheeler was a student at Bowdoin College in Maine from 2005-07, but was suspended for academic dishonesty, authorities said.

Ain’t true that he is running for President in 2012.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Craig Morgan – This Ain’t Nothin’

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Solution for Oil Spill

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Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Things Aren’t What They Seem Sometimes

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The only difference I ever found between the Democratic leadership and the Republican leadership is that one of them is skinning you from the ankle up and the other, from the neck down.”

– Huey P. Long