Issue 94
Redneck Ramblins
- Heard that South African police have detained Paris Hilton. What will it take to get you to keep her?
- The Auburn coaching staff is out looking for recruits with some speed, but everywhere they go the see signs that say “Slow Children At Play”
- Must be summer. We are constantly hearing about whether Farve will play or not.
- Bubba spent an entire hour this morning staring at the orange juice container because it said concentrate.
- I don’t shoot in the 90’s anymore. If it gets hotter than that, I don’t play golf.
- Saw where Lindsay Lohan got 90 days in jail and another 90 in rehab. Anyway to keep her out of our sight longer?
- No sympathy for my NE friends who are having a little heat wave. Texas is that way from April thru September.
- Am I supposed to feel giddy about BP saying that they are going to stop the flow of oil in the Gulf a couple of weeks early? Didn’t they say they were going to stop the flow in May and again in June?
- Bubba went on a little vacation last week. He wonders how the gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
RALEIGH, N.C. – Some guys have all the luck.
And then there’s Rick Oliver, who might be one of the unluckiest men in North Carolina,
if not the world.
Oliver was mauled by a bear in his otherwise peaceful front yard a few weeks ago.
“It was like getting struck by lightning,” he said.
Turns out, Oliver might be one of the few people in the world capable of accurately
making the bear-lightning analogy.
And for Oliver, 51, the two incidents seem to go hand in hand.
Ever since he was struck by lightning in 2006, Oliver says, he’s had trouble sleeping.
On restless nights, he tends to putter about his farm, checking on his chickens, working
on his tractors and, as he was in the wee hours of June 3, fixing up his Chevy Malibu.
About 2 a.m., he heard a distant rustling on his 17-acre spread in an unincorporated
sliver of Wake County between Cary and Raleigh.
As he turned to investigate, he was dealt a heavy blow. “I heard this strange huffing,”
Oliver said. “And the next thing I know I had been run over and stepped on by a bear.”
The black bear’s claws gouged his wrist so deep that when he first took off his bandage,
blood spewed onto his farmhouse floor. “Like a hose,” he said.
“That was when my daughter said, Dad we need to take you to the emergency room.’ ”
The biggest cut was so deep and wide that doctors at WakeMed couldn’t sew it up. So
doctors bandaged up Oliver and told him to keep pressure on the lacerations.
Nature 2, Oliver 0.
“He’s a little unlucky,” said Cameron Rhodes of Cary, who was married by Oliver at Piney Plain United Church of Christ in Cary, where Oliver is a minister. “But he’s even more lucky he has survived both of them.”
The chances of being attacked by a bear are rather slim, biologists say.
Between 2005 and 2009, only nine people were killed by bears in the United States,
according to the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission.
Headlines
Postal Service to raise rates?
How to lose the rest of your business. How about finding ways to increase your volume or ways to cut costs?
Why morning people rule the world
Because night people are asleep and when they wake up, it’s party time. Duh?
Hundreds Of Fishermen Missing Checks From BP
You mean that BP and Obama lied?
Obama: Israelis suspicious of me because my middle name is Hussein
That and you appear to not know what you’re doing.
Redneck Joke of the Week
A Tennessee couple – Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave ‘fixed’. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this?
Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Redneck Picture of the Week
If They Are Nothing Else, Race Fans Are Patriotic
Goodyear’s Support the Troops Tires
Racin’
So cool to see the Wrangler 3 car back on the track and especially in Victory Lane! Old School………Amazingly he qualified P3, took the lead on lap 3 and won in the 3 car on the 3rd day of July!
The Firecracker 400 (old school name, but now known at the Coke Zero 400) was fast and furious especially when the big one took out 20 cars with 12 to go. Harvick won it in a green-white-checker finish.
Now to Chicagoland Speedway. The picks:
- Tony Stewart
- Kevin Harvick
- Anybody but a Busch
Ain’t True
NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla., June 24 (UPI) — A Florida woman accused of starting an office fire to get sent home early with pay pleaded guilty to criminal mischief.
The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said Michelle Perrino, 40, drew suspicion during a meeting of Bayonet Point Oxygen employees when she mentioned the May 12, 2009, fire had started in a filing cabinet before workers had been informed of the fire’s origins, the St. Petersburg Times reported Thursday.
Investigators said a friend of Perrino told them she had admitted to tripping the main circuit breaker and adjusting phones to block incoming calls in bids to go home early without sacrificing the day’s pay.
Perrino was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment followed by 5 years of probation. She was also ordered to pay Bayonet Point Oxygen $4,800 in restitution and banned from contacting the company or its employees.
Starting a fire to get you out of work gets you out of work – like you’re fired. Not true that it will get you out of prison.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Rodney Atkins — About the South
Redneck Video of the Week:
Red Skelton’s Pledge of Allegiance
from his television show in 1969
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Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
A New Dr. Seuss Book
I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan,
I do not like this ‘YES WE CAN’.
I do not like this spending spree,
I’m smart, I know that nothing’s free,
I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it you BIG Dope.
I do not like it NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“The Weakest Link is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.”
-Jay Leno
