Issue 148
Redneck Ramblins
- I just got background checked for the 5th time this year. The different organizations should just check with Santa Claus. He knows who has been naughty and nice.
- The Iraq War is over for the US, but unfortunately the war ain’t over.
- Cletus is trying to get hold of Santa. He wants to know names of the naughty girls.
- If at first you do not succeed….at least have someone video it for YouTube.
- Help! I Tebowed and I can’t get up.
- Y’all have got to watch Rocket City Rednecks on the National Geographic Channel. These rednecks are real rocket scientist during the week in Huntsville, AL and on the weekends invent great redneck stuff. It is a hoot
- Lying, obstruction, perjury and misleading investigators plus illegal drug use only gets you probation and home confinement? No wonder punishment for breaking the law is not a deterrent anymore.
- Gonna take a break from blogging the next couple of weeks to enjoy family and THE reason for the season. Y’all do the same.
- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
- God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Dear Santa: Give me Bieber or I’ll kill you
A 13-year-old British girl shocked her mother by asking Santa Claus for a bunch of presents — including “the real-life Justin Bieber” — and threatening to kill Santa if he refuses to deliver.
Metro UK reported this week that the girl, Mekeeda Austin, who lives in Brickhill in Bedford, also threatened to “hunt down” Santa’s reindeer so she could “cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day.”
The girl said she was mostly joking.
“I don’t really believe in Santa anymore, but I was angry because I thought I wasn’t going to get all the presents I wanted this year,” she said.
Tweet of the Week
AmericanHumor American Humor
The Japanese have bought everything in America except the politicians. They’d buy those too, but they prefer quality products.
Headlines
Obama: Don’t raise taxes, shut down government
Sounds like a plan to me!
Why not get a bachelor’s degree in 3 years?
Because you will not be able to find a job when you graduate?
Ex-Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac execs charged
‘Bout time!
Barry Bonds gets probation, home confinement
2 years probation and 30 days confinement in a Beverly Hills mansion? Heck, drivers have gotten worse sentences this year for criticizing NASCAR on Twitter.
SEVERE DROUGHT LEAVES TEXAS WITH 600K FEWER CATTLE
Less BS too!
Redneck Joke of the Week
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren’t home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said, “Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL… YEE HAWWWW!
Redneck Picture of the Week
Bubba and Earl Dun Decorated
Redneck Song of the Week:
Redneck Christmas–Ray Stevens
Redneck Video of the Week:
Joe Diffie – Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Redneck Christmas Gift Ideas – Redneck in a Box
Getya a 24 can camo cooler from Bass Pro and fill the cooler with some of the following;
WD-40. According to the WD-40 website, there are over 2000 uses for this handy solvent. WD-40 removes sap, tar, adhesives, labels and tape from surfaces without damaging existing paint. It’s an effective cleaner for tools, equipment, and vehicles. It can be used to remove splattered bugs from the front of cars.
Camouflage duct tape. Duct tape is the “Handyman’s Secret Weapon” some Redneck uses include using on cars to hold together, patching boats, gutters or hoses. Duct tape can be used instead of nuts, bolts, glue, staples or propane tanks and solder.
Truck fresheners. Make your own with some felt scrapes and essential oil. Cut out a shape from the felt, a deer head, rifle, beer can and then poke a hole in the top for a piece of string. Sprinkle the essential oil over the felt for a homemade redneck truck freshener.
Beef jerky Purchase a selection of beef jerky or deer jerky or make your own from a piece of flank steak or any of your other killins.
T-shirts. Any of these Redneck t-shirts from this Zazzle store. They have a nice selection of trashy T’s and bumper stickers perfect for any self respectin’ redneck.
A Redneck Cookbook. Print and staple the Top Ten Recipes from Paula Deen’s website
Other ideas include;
Bandanas
Camouflage license plate frame
Gummy worms, sour gummy worms, Swedish fish and fishing bobbers
Honey Buns
King of the Hill boxer shorts
A copy of Bill Engvall’s Here’s Your Sign
DVD of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
Bass Pro has other useful additions depending on what your recipients specialty is, hunting, fishing, camping, just sitting outside drinking beer…
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 1 – 0 1.000
Season 267 – 94 .740
New Mexico Bowl
Wyoming loses to Temple
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Ohio loses to Utah State
New Orleans Bowl
LA – Lafayette loses to San Diego State
Beef O’Brady Bowl
Marshall loses to Fla – International
Poinsettia Bowl
LA Tech loses to TCU
MAACO Bowl
Arizona State loses to Boise State
Hawaii Bowl
Nevada loses to So. Miss
Independence Bowl
NC loses to Missouri
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl
W. Michigan loses to Purdue
Belk Bowl
Louisville loses to NC State
Military Bowl
Air Force loses to Toledo
Holiday Bowl
California loses to Texas
Champs Sports Bowl
Notre Dame loses to Florida State
Alamo Bowl
Washington loses to Baylor
Armed Forces Bowl
BYU loses to Tulsa
Pinstripe Bowl
Iowa State loses to Rutgers
Music City Bowl
Wake Forest loses to Miss State
Insight Bowl
Iowa loses to Oklahoma
Meineke Care Care Bowl
Northwestern loses to TX A&M
Sun Bowl
Utah loses to GA Tech
Fight Hunger Bowl
UCLA loses to Illinois
Liberty Bowl
Cincy loses to Vandy
Chick-fil-A Bowl
Auburn loses to VA
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want – and their kids pay for it.
Richard Lamm
