Author Archive

Issue 96

Redneck Ramblins

• If you are lucky enough to be from the South, then you are lucky enough.
• Had a great time on vacation last week, but man is it tiring. A lot more than retirement is.
• 100 days since the Deep Horizon oil disaster started, and BP seems only worried about its shareholder value.
• I am doing my part to save the Postal Service. Every time I get junk mail with a business reply envelope, I load it up with all of my junk mail that doesn’t have my name or my information on it and mail it back.
• Bubba got a 4.0 in college. Not his GPA, but his blood alcohol level.
• Saw a car this morning that had a bumper sticker that said “God is my co-pilot”. The way she was driving, she better switch seats with Him.
• The President went on the “View” this week instead of attending the Boy Scouts’ 100 Year Celebration at their National Jamboree. Bad move. The 250,000 in attendance are voters or will be in a few years.
• I am bilingual. I speak fluent redneck and English is my second language.
• College football season is just a little over a month away.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Bell, California: City Manager $800,000, Police Chief $450,000, City Council $100,000

I’m moving to Bell, California and running for City Council. A report by the LA Times sparked a protest at last night’s council meeting when it was learned that the Bell, California city manager makes nearly $800,000 dollars annually. That’s not all, the police chief of the 38,000 resident Town makes over $450,000 per year and each city council member rakes in $100,000 for their part time gig. Good work if you can get it.

Bell is a mostly Hispanic town of just under 40,000 people about 10 miles southeast of Los Angeles. At the City Council meeting last night it was like the final scene of Frankenstein, pitchforks and torches. The crowd showed up to call for the resignations of the Mayor, City Manager, and other city officials.

When the crowd arrived and began to fill the venue, council members adjourned for a private session. The attorney for the city said they were not allowed to talk about salaries without advance notice. At one point the Fire Department wanted to cancel the meeting because the crowd had become so large they were blocking the door. The “brave” city council returned saying that they would have a report on salaries at the next meeting and they would take public comments at that time. Somebody please get a video. The meeting will be held July 26th.

The Los Angeles County DA has opened an investigation into the Bell, California city officials pay. State Assemblyman Hector De La Torre says that state law limits council member’s salaries to several hundred dollars per month. I don’t think that adds up to nearly $100,000 per year. You can read more about this abuse of power here.

The Mayor of Bell, California said in an interview that “Our streets are cleaner, we have lovely parks, better lighting throughout the area, our community is better. These things just don’t happen; they happen because he had a vision and made it happen.” Yep, that should fix it.

Probably the most outrageous of all is the Bell, California City Manager’s $800,000 per year salary; not to mention his automatic 12% raise annually. Chief Administrative Officer Robert Rizzo earns $787,637 to be exact. While the Police Chief pulls in $457,000, way more than even the Los Angeles Police Chief.

Headlines

Tiger on the loose in South African neighborhood

I thought he was supposed to be practicing for the PGA.

Investigators Recommend Rangel Get Slap On Wrist

That is because the investigators are House members also and that is what they want when they get caught.

WikiLeaks disclosures are a ‘tragedy’

Understatement of the year!

Al Gore won’t face prosecution in sexual assault allegation

“I did not have sexual relations with that women”…………Learned from the best!

Redneck Joke of the Week

A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man´s testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work”

The German doctor comments:”That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person´s head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work”

A Russian doctor says: That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person´s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The US doctor answers immediately: That´s nothing colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls….we put him as President and now….the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Rednecks Got Holdof Air Force One

Racin’

Jamie McMurray won at Indy last week to add to his Daytona 500 victory. Good year for the kid that Roush let get away.

This week is the second race at Pocono – the triangle track with three distinct turns. The picks:

1. Denny Hamlin
2. Tony Stewart
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

BETHLEHEM, Pa. – An eastern Pennsylvania woman has been cited for harassment after her son told police she cleaned the bathroom with his toothbrush, then returned it to its holder.

Police in Lower Saucon Township say 52-year-old Deborah Woist decided on July 18 that a bathroom inside her home needed a good scrubbing because it hadn’t been cleaned in two months.

Her 26-year-old son, Justin Novack, says the scrubbing was done with his toothbrush. He says his mother put it away when she was done.

Ain’t true that this was such a bad thing. She used the bathroom cleaner that says that it kills 99.9% of germs.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Tim McGraw – Still (Official Music Video)

Redneck Video of the Week:

Cledus T. Judd – I Love Nascar!

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Economic Terms

RECESSION IS WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR LOSES HIS JOB

DEPRESSION IS WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR JOB AND

RECOVERY IS WHEN THE “POLIETICIANS” LOSE THEIRS

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
- Dr. Seuss

Issue 95

Redneck Ramblins

• The LeBron thing got more media attention than stuff that really mattered.
• Interestingly, his 1 hour show on ESPN got better ratings than 95% of NBA games, including the championship finals.
• Bubba finally mowed his yard this week. Found four cars.
• Just to add more proof that those in DC don’t know what they are doin’, read this: Two years ago this Wednesday (7/14/08), Barney Frank, the chairman of the House Financial Services committee stated “Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are fundamentally sound.  I think they are in good shape going forward” (source: BusinessWeek).
• We may not be able to fix stupid, but we sure can vote it out of office.
• Bubba says that it is the heat and the humidity!
• Retirement is tiring so me and Mrs. Redneck are taking a vacation next week. Don’t know if there will be a post of the blog next week. Depends…
• The news this week that Dick Chaney had heart surgery was a real shock to some people. They didn’t think he had a heart.
• Clinton and Obama are meeting on what to do with the economy. Two wrongs don’t make a right!
• God bless American and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Eight is enough: Octopus retires

Monday, July 12, 2010 Associated Press

BERLIN — No more World Cup, no more octopus oracle.

Paul, the octopus who became a pop culture sensation by correctly predicting the outcome of as many World Cup matches as he has legs — all seven of Germany’s games plus the Spain-Netherlands final — is going to retire.

The intuitive invertebrate will “step back from the official oracle business,” Tanja Munzig, a spokeswoman for the Sea Life aquarium in Oberhausen, told AP Television News.

“He won’t give any more oracle predictions — either in football, nor in politics, lifestyle or economy,” she said. “Paul will get back to his former job, namely making children laugh.”

However, Paul took one last curtain call on Monday. Aquarium employees presented the octopus with a golden cup — similar to the official World Cup trophy.

Although the cup was garnished with three mussels, Paul ignored it for several minutes as it was lowered into his tank.

He finally picked off one mussel and devoured it in front of television cameras.

Paul won worldwide attention as he called all of Germany’s games correctly — including its semifinal defeat by Spain. He crowned his career by forecasting correctly that Spain would beat the Netherlands in Sunday’s final.

Headlines

Obama spokesman: Dems could lose House…

Most encouraging thing this administration has said.

Max Papis Likes Bootie

And he likes his crew chief Bootie Barker too!

T.O. concerned teams think he’s a troublemaker

May be because you are?

BP: Well could be contained today if cap works

Haven’t we heard this line before?

Harry Reid: No Illegal Immigrants Do Construction Work In Nevada…

Wanna bet?

Redneck Joke of the Week

Redneck Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two redneck airplane mechanics named Billy Bob and Jim Bob work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Billy Bob and Jim Bob have nothing to do. After work Billy Bob and Jim Bob usually have a drink on their way home, so Billy Bob says to Jim Bob, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.”

Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Billy Bob calls Jim Bob and says, “How are you feeling?”

Jim Bob says he’s fine, never felt better. Billy Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?”

Jim Bob says no. Then Jim Bob says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.”

Then Billy Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Jim Bob. Have you farted yet?”

Jim Bob says, “No, why?”

Billy Bob says, “I’m calling you from Detroit!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

David Reutimann won Chicago in convincing fashion. He now has more wins in the last 55 races than J. Gordon, Dale Jr., Biffle, Edwards, Bowyer and J.Burton combined. Wow!

No racin’ this week on the Cup side. The next race is the Brickyard in Indy.

Ain’t True

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — A 47-year-old man’s friends set his prosthetic leg on fire after he lost a drinking bet, causing him to suffer severe burns to his buttocks and lower back. Dona Ana County sheriff’s deputies found the man naked on the side of U.S. Route 70 with his prosthetic leg in flames. Deputies learned that the man and his friends were drinking Monday and bet that whoever drank the least would be set on fire.

The man told investigators that at six beers, he drank the least, and agreed to let his friends set him on fire.

He said his friends ignited his prosthetic leg, and the flames spread to his body.

The sheriff’s office said the man took his clothes off because of the pain and his friends decided to take him to the hospital. But they got nervous and instead dropped him off on the side of the highway.

The man was taken to a Texas burn treatment center.

Ain’t true that it ever a good idea to make bets while drinking.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Lee Greenwood-Dixie Road

Redneck Video of the Week:

Top 10 Low Pass Flybys of All Time

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Etiquette

Personal Hygiene

• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s “own” truck keys.
• Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
• The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or a banker.
• It’s recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and underarms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in these body regions attractive.
• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Fashion

• Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of understated elegance but never before April.
• No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers. And hip waders are not considered dress pants.
• As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a single phrase: No collar, no tie.

Dining Out

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
• In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks, operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than someone getting sick or sentimental at the table.
• While okay at home, it’s considered crass to ask, “Are you gonna eat the rest of that meatloaf?” Especially if you don’t know the person.
• Many establishments frown on the use of a “doggie bag” at an all-you-can-eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Out For The Evening

• Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don’t know anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking the ice:
  • My old lady wants to get to know you.
  • I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
  • Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
  • How long have you had that thing on your nose?
  • Is that a new tattoo?
  • When’s your parole up?

Entertaining In Your Home

• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are.
• Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
• Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and what’s not okay to spit in.
• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
• Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears on the TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
• If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such as, “Ya’ll are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent.”

Dating (Outside the Family)

• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
• Shower her with compliments: “You ain’t near as ugly as your sister.”
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
• If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
• Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.

Theater Etiquette

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese recipe.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

Weddings

• Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get you cut.
• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
• Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
• For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid Saturdays since that’s square dancing night.
• When going through the receiving line, it’s proper to say something nice to the bride such as, “Your baby is real cute.”
• If someone asks where the bride is registered, do not answer, “The American Kennel Club.”
• Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
• How many bridal attendants should the bride have? One for each of her kids.
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Driving Etiquette

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• Never play Chinese fire drill with handicapped passengers, especially if parked on a hill.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• When traveling with your family, try to keep their “mooning” of other drivers to a minimum.
• Remember that the median is not a passing lane.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

• Don’t make company sleep on dirty sheets. Give them directions to the laundromat.
• It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
• Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
• Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more embarrassing than hearing Junior say, “We ain’t seen Daddy in eight days, and Mama’s too drunk to come to the phone.”
• At a baby shower, never ask, “Do you have any idea who the father is?”
• Never take a beer to a job interview.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
• One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their kids at the local kennel.
• At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, “He looks so natural – like he just got drunk and passed out.”
• No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
• Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. “
–Douglas Adams

Issue 94

Redneck Ramblins

• Heard that South African police have detained Paris Hilton. What will it take to get you to keep her?
• The Auburn coaching staff is out looking for recruits with some speed, but everywhere they go the see signs that say “Slow Children At Play”
• Must be summer. We are constantly hearing about whether Farve will play or not.
• Bubba spent an entire hour this morning staring at the orange juice container because it said concentrate.
• I don’t shoot in the 90’s anymore. If it gets hotter than that, I don’t play golf.
• Saw where Lindsay Lohan got 90 days in jail and another 90 in rehab. Anyway to keep her out of our sight longer?
• No sympathy for my NE friends who are having a little heat wave. Texas is that way from April thru September.
• Am I supposed to feel giddy about BP saying that they are going to stop the flow of oil in the Gulf a couple of weeks early? Didn’t they say they were going to stop the flow in May and again in June?
• Bubba went on a little vacation last week. He wonders how the gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

RALEIGH, N.C. – Some guys have all the luck.

And then there’s Rick Oliver, who might be one of the unluckiest men in North Carolina,
if not the world.

Oliver was mauled by a bear in his otherwise peaceful front yard a few weeks ago.

“It was like getting struck by lightning,” he said.

Turns out, Oliver might be one of the few people in the world capable of accurately
making the bear-lightning analogy.

And for Oliver, 51, the two incidents seem to go hand in hand.

Ever since he was struck by lightning in 2006, Oliver says, he’s had trouble sleeping.

On restless nights, he tends to putter about his farm, checking on his chickens, working
on his tractors and, as he was in the wee hours of June 3, fixing up his Chevy Malibu.

About 2 a.m., he heard a distant rustling on his 17-acre spread in an unincorporated
sliver of Wake County between Cary and Raleigh.

As he turned to investigate, he was dealt a heavy blow. “I heard this strange huffing,”
Oliver said. “And the next thing I know I had been run over and stepped on by a bear.”

The black bear’s claws gouged his wrist so deep that when he first took off his bandage,
blood spewed onto his farmhouse floor. “Like a hose,” he said.

“That was when my daughter said, Dad we need to take you to the emergency room.’ ”

The biggest cut was so deep and wide that doctors at WakeMed couldn’t sew it up. So
doctors bandaged up Oliver and told him to keep pressure on the lacerations.

Nature 2, Oliver 0.

“He’s a little unlucky,” said Cameron Rhodes of Cary, who was married by Oliver at Piney Plain United Church of Christ in Cary, where Oliver is a minister. “But he’s even more lucky he has survived both of them.”

The chances of being attacked by a bear are rather slim, biologists say.

Between 2005 and 2009, only nine people were killed by bears in the United States,
according to the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission.

Headlines

Postal Service to raise rates?

How to lose the rest of your business. How about finding ways to increase your volume or ways to cut costs?

Why morning people rule the world

Because night people are asleep and when they wake up, it’s party time. Duh?

Hundreds Of Fishermen Missing Checks From BP

You mean that BP and Obama lied?

Obama: Israelis suspicious of me because my middle name is Hussein

That and you appear to not know what you’re doing.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A Tennessee couple – Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave ‘fixed’. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this?

Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Redneck Picture of the Week

If They Are Nothing Else, Race Fans Are Patriotic

Goodyear’s Support the Troops Tires

Racin’

So cool to see the Wrangler 3 car back on the track and especially in Victory Lane! Old School………Amazingly he qualified P3, took the lead on lap 3 and won in the 3 car on the 3^rd day of July!

The Firecracker 400 (old school name, but now known at the Coke Zero 400) was fast and furious especially when the big one took out 20 cars with 12 to go. Harvick won it in a green-white-checker finish.

Now to Chicagoland Speedway. The picks:

1. Tony Stewart
2. Kevin Harvick
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla., June 24 (UPI) — A Florida woman accused of starting an office fire to get sent home early with pay pleaded guilty to criminal mischief.

The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said Michelle Perrino, 40, drew suspicion during a meeting of Bayonet Point Oxygen employees when she mentioned the May 12, 2009, fire had started in a filing cabinet before workers had been informed of the fire’s origins, the St. Petersburg Times reported Thursday.

Investigators said a friend of Perrino told them she had admitted to tripping the main circuit breaker and adjusting phones to block incoming calls in bids to go home early without sacrificing the day’s pay.

Perrino was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment followed by 5 years of probation. She was also ordered to pay Bayonet Point Oxygen $4,800 in restitution and banned from contacting the company or its employees.

Starting a fire to get you out of work gets you out of work – like you’re fired. Not true that it will get you out of prison.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Rodney Atkins — About the South

Redneck Video of the Week:

Red Skelton’s Pledge of Allegiance

from his television show in 1969

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Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A New Dr. Seuss Book

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan,

I do not like this ‘YES WE CAN’.

I do not like this spending spree,

I’m smart, I know that nothing’s free,

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it you BIG Dope.

I do not like it NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The Weakest Link is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.”

-Jay Leno

Issue 93

Redneck Ramblins

• Looks like BP and the Obama administration have stopped the flow. Problem is it is the flow of vacationers, oil jobs, and seafood business in the Gulf.
• Could not believe the amount of people that stood in long lines for the new iphone. They need a life. Wonder if there is an app for that?
• Bubba is so disappointed. Sex is banned on the International Space Station. Therefore it has shattered his dream of becoming a member of the 240 mile high club.
• Supreme Court rules that all Americans have fundamental right to bear arms in a 5 to 4 vote. If the Supreme Court was actually following the Constitution the vote would have been 9 to 0 in favor. There is a thingee called the 2^nd Amendment!
• If you think that you have high expectations at work, remember you could be England’s soccer coach.
• Looks like Al Gore has joined the list of naughty boys.
• Nothing like a Texas summer thunderstorm.
• Did you notice all the violent protest at the G20 Summit? Thought that only happened at those violent Tea Party gatherings.
• Happy Independence Day!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Parent brawl erupts at kindergarten graduation

The Associated Press

VICTORVILLE, Calif. — Brawling parents interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.

School officials placed Puesta del Sol Elementary in desert Victorville on lockdown Wednesday morning after a fight broke out among a group of parents.

San Bernardino County sheriff’s spokeswoman Karen Hunt says witnesses told deputies several mothers were involved in a verbal argument and it got physical in a field near the ceremony. Several men then jumped into the fray and the incident turned into a brawl.

Hunt says arriving deputies didn’t see any physical contact. There were no arrests and no one reported injuries.

No children were hurt.

What a great example for the children!!

Headlines

Lakers coach Jackson leaning toward retirement

Highly recommend retirement, Phil!

Has Lady Gaga gotten your attention yet?

Nope and won’t.

FDA report: Airline food could pose health threat

After my experience with airline food, I would recommend that the EPA should be investigating.

TSA bogged down in bureaucracy

Everything the federal gummit runs is bogged down in bureaucracy!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Two Rednecks Go on a Fishing Trip

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”

The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Green Engine Technology

Racin’

Kurt Busch gave Jimmie Johnson the ol’ chrome horn Sunday at New Hampshire, but Johnson gave it back to Busch to win.

This week is the Firecracker 400 at Daytona. I know they changed the name to identify the sponsor, but I am old school. It is still the Firecracker 400 to me.

The picks:

1. Tony Stewart
2. Dale Jr.
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Ohio clerk flubs lottery ticket, but wins $250K

The Associated Press

NEW LEXINGTON, Ohio — An Ohio store clerk’s mistake when printing a Mega Millions lottery ticket has won her $250,000. Naomi Mauller forgot to add an extra game to a customer’s lottery ticket on Tuesday night, so she printed a new ticket and bought her $2 mistake. Both her ticket and its twin hit, raking in $250,000 for each winner.

Mauller works at Woolfe’s Huff & Puff Mini Mart in New Lexington in southeastern Ohio. She’s going to use the money to buy a car and pay off some debt.

The store’s owner, Mike Kane, said the other customer was a local. Mauller met him at the store Friday for a happy reunion. The state lottery commission did not have his name.

The winning numbers on the Mega Millions tickets were 12, 17, 21, 23 and 30. The Woolfe’s winners didn’t hit the Mega Ball number, 24.

Ain’t true that it is a good idea to hide your mistakes. Paying for your mistakes can pay-off big.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Charlie Daniels – (Late 70’s) – Long Haired Country Boy

Redneck Video of the Week:

Casey at the Bat?

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

California vs Texas

California

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas:

Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging.

#2. Governor has spent $0.65 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

#3. Buzzards eat dead coyote (no cost).
Any wonder why California is broke???

God Bless Texas !

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Government cannot make us equal; it can only recognize, respect, and protect us as equal before the law.”

– Justice Clarence Thomas

Issue 92

Redneck Ramblins

• Joe Barton apologizes for apologizing to BP. Dude, you are still fired!
• Bubba’s wife says the earrings she wore in high school still fit.
• BP – you have polluted the Redneck Riviera. Y’all is in a heap of trouble now.
• It has been 2 months since the blowout of the Horizon well. Not much has happened to clean it up and the oil is still gushing. PoLIEticians are as much to blame as BP, so they are now known as POLLUTEticians.
• Wonder if the reaction would have been any different had this not been on the Southern shores. What if it had been in the Chesapeake or on the Hamptons or Cape Cod?
• Nominees for boob of the week:
  • Congressman Joe Barton – Rep from Texas
  • World Cup referee Koman Coulibaly of Mali (US/Slovenia match)
  • Tony Hayward , Chief Executive BP
  • Barak Obama, lives in the White House
  • All of the above
• I was watching a soccer match and WWE rastlin” broke out.
• The US government is projected to spend $3.72 trillion during the current 2010 fiscal year, equal to $1 billion of government spending every 2 hours 21 minutes (source: Treasury Department).  Even Mrs. Redneck can’t spend that much that fast.
• Guy stopped by the trailer today to sell Bubba a hot tub, but Bubba didn’t buy it. He has ethics you know and would never buy stolen property.
• God bless the troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

- June 19, 2010

Dodd Helps Casino Earning $1.3B Get $54M in Taxpayer Money

Retiring Sen. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn., helped a casino that earned $1.3 billion last year hit a $54 million jackpot in federal money.

Retiring Sen. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn., helped a casino that earned $1.3 billion last year hit a $54 million jackpot in federal money.

The Mohegan tribe, owners of the Mohegan Sun — one of the largest casinos in the country — has secured a $54 million loan funded with stimulus through Dodd’s help.

“Throughout his career, Sen. Dodd and the entire Connecticut delegation have worked tirelessly to secure jobs and economic prosperity for the state of Connecticut,” a Dodd spokesman said in a statement to the Hartford Courant. “That is why he supported the economic recovery package, as well as the Mohegan Tribe’s loan application, because it will create and preserve local jobs.”

Of the $54 million to the Mohegan tribe, $31.5 million will be used to construct an educational center and $22.2 million to build a community center, according to the Agriculture Department.

The money is part of a $167.8 million loan from the Agriculture Department rural development program for 145 investments in 37 states.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said in a written statement that the projects “not only provide needed infrastructure in rural communities, they contribute to the Obama administration’s continued efforts to turn the economy around and create quality jobs.”

“The Recovery Act is working,” Vilsack said. “These projects, and others like them, are contributing to fully restore the American economy while improving the quality of life in towns and small cities throughout the country.”

Chuck Bunnell, a tribe spokesman and former aide to Dodd, told the Hartford Courant that the money will put more than 100 people back to work on a stalled project.

The building will house the tribe’s library, archives, tribal court, health and human services, Bunnell said.

“It has nothing to do with the casino,” he said.

Bunnell told the newspaper that the tribe initially bankrolled the project from its own coffers, most of it stemming from the casino operation. But after the recession hit, tightening the credit markets, the tribe applied for the federal loan last year for the $75 million project that was scaled down from its initial price tag of $90 million, Bunnell said.

“What it will do is it will put back to work the people who lost their jobs when we stopped the project,” he told the newspaper.

Bunnell said more than 100 construction workers, mostly union carpenters, plumbers, sheet metal workers and others, were laid off when the tribe stopped constructions in early 2009, after nearly two years.

Bunnell said the loans must be repaid and the interest rate is expected to be around 3 percent.

Headlines

Evasive BP CEO leaves Congress flummoxed

Maybe Obama will fire him like he did the CEO of GM.

Questions about who’s in charge of BP oil response

Good question, but why did it take 2 months?

Members of Congress taking trips on private dime

This is news? Like it hasn’t happened before?

Obama Releases Details of Health Care Law

Now maybe Congress will know what they voted on.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

New Product from General Mills

Racin’

Jimmie Johnson won at Sonoma after Marcus Ambrose stupid error in shutting off his car during a caution. Better lucky than good, but Johnson was good all day too.

New Hampshire awaits this week. Tight flat track with plenty of action. The picks:

1. Denny Hamlin
2. Mark Martin
3. Tony Stewart

Ain’t True

PORT ORCHARD, Wash. — Identical twins Patrick and Nathan Griffin-Hall like the same food, the same movies, the same books. But the 27-year-old brothers who live together in Port Orchard, Wash., split when it comes to politics. Patrick is a Republican and Nathan is a Democrat, and both have registered as candidates for precinct committee officer in their respective parties. Both are running unopposed.

Patrick will be serving his third term, Nathan his first.

From an early age, Patrick sensed he was different from the rest of his large blended family.

He says, “They’re all hippie liberals. I’m the lone conservative.”

Ain’t true that they are identical then.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Hank Williams Jr. – That’s How they Do It In Dixie

Redneck Video of the Week:

911 Call: Man Says He Saw Bigfoot

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Top Ten Signs a Redneck Has Been Using Your Computer

10.       The monitor is up on blocks.
9.       The CPU has a gun rack mounted on it.
8.       Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains.
7.       The CD-ROM drive is being used as a beer holder.
6.       The case is held together with duct tape.
5.       The six front keys have rotted out.
4.       The password is “Huntin” or “Fishin”.
3.       The extra expansion slots have truck parts installed in them.
2.       The keyboard is camouflaged.
1.       The numeric keypad only goes up to five.

Redneck Rebel Quotes of the Week:

“Put up with it and you will get more of it.”

Lynne Deal

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years!”

-Mark Twain

Issue 91

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba started out with nothing and still has most of it.
• BP = beaches polluted
• BP needs to do the right thing and stop worrying about its public image. Same goes with the poLIEticians.
• June 14^th is Flag Day and the only mention in the paper is in the comics?
• Bubba’s dawg ate a bunch of mayonnaise. Fearing that he would be bad sick, Bubba took him to the vet who then referred him to the …….Mayo Clinic.
• I think the Big 12 just became the Big 10 and the Big 10 is now the Big 12.
• According to Facebook, June 15^th is Man Day. Did they get Mrs. Redneck’s permission for this?
• Like everything else, in college athletics the gap between the “haves” and the “have nots” is getting greater.
• Joe Barton – you are fired!
• God bless America – we need it.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) – Authorities arrested a 45-year-old man accused of kicking a fast food restaurant’s door after employees threw away his wine. Maurice Alfred Belmore faces charges of criminal mischief and trespass. He was jailed in Collier County on $3,000 bond. It was unclear if Belmore had an attorney.

According to deputies, a manager of a local Sonic Drive-In told investigators that an employee threw away wine that Belmore had left in the restaurant’s parking lot. Belmore started kicking the restaurant’s door after he realized the wine was missing.

Doubt that wine was worth $3,000.

Headlines

Obama official: BP agrees to speed up oil spill payments

All you gotta do is fill out the paperwork and go to Helen Waite.

After BP cleans up oil, it has to clean up its image

It has a long, long way to go on both accounts.

BP May Lose US Oil Leases, Contracts After Spill

Ya think?

Michael Vick on his dogfighting past: ‘I never thought it was wrong’

Betcha do now.

In First Oval Office Speech, Obama Seeks to Ease Political Damage of Gulf Crisis

Really more interested in getting the physical damange cleaned up.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Bubba, Earl, and Slick were stranded on an island for several years. One day Bubba found a Lamp on the beach so he picked  it up and took it to show his two friends. As he started to hand it to Earl, Slick noticed it was dirty and he rubbed the dirt off.

Suddenly there appeared a Genie, who said, “I’ve been in that lamp for centuries so I will grant you each one wish for releasing me.”

Slick said he was in the oil business in Texas and had a big beautiful ranch. He wished he could be back on his ranch. POOF! Slick was gone.

Earl said he wished he could be a millionaire on a cruise ship. POOF! Earl was gone too.

The Genie then turned to Bubba and asked, “What is your wish?” After thinking for several minutes, Bubba just couldn’t make up his mind. He suddenly blurted out, “I wish Earl and Slick were here to help me decide.”

POOF!!! Earl and Slick were back!!!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Love Seat

Racin’

Hamlin won again at Michigan. At this pace (5 wins out of the last 10 races), every driver will be getting his ACL fixed. What did the doctors do, make him the bionic driver?

Sonoma is one of the tracks where the drivers will have to turn right some of the time instead of just turning left. It is also important to stay on the track.

The picks:

1. Jeff Gordon
2. Tony Stewart
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla. (AP) – A 32-year-old Pasco County man who called 911 to complain about his mother is facing criminal charges. According to a sheriff’s office arrest report, Charles Dennison told a deputy that his mother took his beer and he wanted her arrested. Dennison was reportedly “very intoxicated” when the deputy arrived at the New Port Richey home.

Dennison told the deputy that he would keep calling emergency responders if his mother wasn’t charged. He has been charged with making false 911 calls and was jailed on $150 bond.

Ain’t true that it is a good idea to ever blame your mama.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Matt Stillwell: Shine

Redneck Video of the Week:

Ray Stevens – Throw the Bums Out

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

The Other Verses of Our National Anthem

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.”
- Robert Anton Wilson

Issue 90

Redneck Ramblins

• We have lost a legend. Coach Wooden was nothing but class. He coached men and along the way won some championships.
• Too bad that college athletics has been taken over by money and boosters. We will never see the likes of Wooden or Bear Bryant again. Winning games is everything now.
• If the Big 12 breaks up, does that mean that the football refs go away too?
• The conference mess is all about football revenues, but what will it do to other sports especially women’s athletics?
• Now that pictures of oil soaked pelicans are hitting the papers, it is drawing on the emotions of people. Folks, don’t forget that 11 people died in this accident!
• Who is in charge of the oil spill? Nobody!!!
• BP Is clueless! 50+ days since the accident and nothing seems to be getting any better. No sense of urgency either. Bet there would be a better response if it was on the shores of England.
• The best things in life aren’t things!
• For most of the world outside of the United States, the biggest athletic event starts this week – the World Cup. I guess it makes us even since we have the World Series and nobody else in the world really cares.
• God bless our troops and God bless America!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

An injured soldier who spent a year recovering at Joint Base Lewis-McChord said the military gave him a Purple Heart–and a bill for $3,000, KIRO-TV reports.

Former Oregon National Guard soldier Gary Pfleider told the news station that the base billed him for equipment he allegedly lost. In 2007, Pfleider was shot by a sniper in Iraq.

“I remember grabbing a hold of my leg and pulling my hands out and realizing that I had blood on my hands. And from that point on, until I got loaded onto the Stryker, was just a big blur,” Pfleider said to KIRO.

Pfleider received a Purple Heart three days after he was shot. Two years later, he got a bill from the military for missing equipment, including clothing and grenades. Pfleider contends he lost the gear when he left Iraq and shouldn’t be responsible for it now, but the federal government is taking money from his disability check each month.

JBLM officials told the news station that the base is investigating the issue.

Hate to see the bill for a fighter jet lost in combat.

Headlines

Federal response to Gulf spill rated lower than Katrina efforts

Not Bush’s fault this time.

NCAA hands USC two-year bowl game ban, major scholarship reduction in football

Slap on the wrist. Shoulda got the death penalty.

Judge dismisses Arizona charges against polygamist

Guess the judge figured the poor boy had suffered enough having more than one wife.

ROMNEY: We need a leader, not a politician…

Amen, brother and in all levels of government.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Reason There Was No Looting in Nashville Flood

Racin’

Hamlin handled Pocono and this week we are racin’ at the 2 mile Michigan International Speedway – wide and fast. It is also home to the domestic car manufacturers, so there is a sense of pride on the line. The “Cat in the Hat” used to rule here, but hasn’t won anything lately. Can this be where it starts?

The picks:

1. Jeff Gordon
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Kyle Busch

Ain’t True

RIVERHEAD, N.Y. — A New York couple has taken the plunge inside a shark tank.

April Pignataro and Michael Curry were lowered in a steel cage into the tank to exchange their wedding vows at Atlantis Marine World in Riverhead, N.Y, on Sunday.

She wore a white wet suit; he wore a black one.

The experienced divers spoke their vows into radio headgear transmitted to a minister outside the tank. About 75 guests watched from behind glass.

The tank is part of the Lost City of Atlantis shark exhibit. Ain’t true that the tank was full of lawyers.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Bless The Broken Road” – Rascal Flatts

Redneck Video of the Week:

How Not to Exit an Airport

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

“Southern Mama Wisdom for Grads”

(That the Rest of Y’all Should Know, Too)

Remember what you learned in Sunday school. Joy is found by putting Jesus first, others second, and yourself last.

Look people in the eye when they’re talking to you.

Take good care of the family name.

The world doesn’t owe you a living. Pull your britches up and get to work.

If you don’t have it, don’t spend it.

Don’t believe everything you hear. Trust and verify is a good idea across the board.

And in closing, graduates, don’t let your mouth overload your butt.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
- Thomas A. Edison

Issue 89

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba says that we all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So he’s not fat, he’s just really intelligent & his head couldn’t hold more
• I think that Oklahoma in Native American for “we always got our roads tore up”.
• Ever notice that those folks with the fancy cars loaded with all the techno stuff are the least likely to use those things called a turn signal.
• Feel for Armando Galarraga whose perfect game was busted by a terrible call by an ump with two out in the ninth. Bummer…………. At least the ump admitted blowing the call. Galarraga showed true class.
• If you can’t take the heat, stay out of Texas!
• Stop the oil spill by stuffing BP executives into the leaking pipe.
• Mr. T pities the fool….(you get to insert your own – don’t worry there are plenty to go around)
• At the National Spelling Bee, those young people are spelling without spell checker. How do they do it?
• Pray for the troops, y’all!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Maserati owner collected welfare benefits

LOS ANGELES, May 28 (UPI) — A Cerritos, Calif., woman was charged with welfare fraud for receiving more than $60,000 in benefits while hiding assets including a Maserati, officials say.

Tangela Ridgeway, 35, was arrested with eight others this week in a massive welfare fraud sweep for receiving benefits while concealing ownership of a home, business, a Nissan SUV, the upscale 2006 sports car

and other vehicles, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday.

The Los Angeles County district attorney’s office says she is charged with 16 counts of welfare fraud including aid by misrepresentation and perjury by false application for aid, and 14 counts of perjury by declaration.

In court Friday Ridgeway’s bail was set at $395,000. If convicted, she faces a maximum term of 19 years in state prison, the Times said.

Headlines

Al and Tipper Gore to separate after 40 years

Who would have ever thunk that the Clinton’s marriage would have outlasted the Gores?

Groups want FCC to police hate speech on talk radio, cable news networks…

Because we “hate” what they are doing and say so

$11 million slot jackpot a malfunction, casino says

Folks didn’t get the money. And you think losing a perfect game on a blown call was bad……………

Is the Government Trying to Take Over the News?

Along with everything else……………….

Redneck Joke of the Week

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s
home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked,” Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,” Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again
the small voice whispered, “no”.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone there
besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”. Wondering what a cop would be
doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the
policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.” Busy doing
what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”,
came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is
that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice. “What is going on
there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just
landed the hello-copper”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
“They’re looking for me”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Might Get Mrs. Redneck to Camp If I Did This,

(But how long of an extension cord would that take?)

Racin’

Well a Busch bro won the Coke 600. Rats! This week the good ol’ boys tangle with the tricky triangle of Pocono.

The Picks:

1. Denny Hamlin
2. Tony “Smoke” Stewart
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

SISSONVILLE, W.Va. – Kanawha County authorities said a marital spat over a late dinner has landed a man in jail on an arson charge.

Lt. Sean Crosier of the Sheriff’s Department said 60-year-old Guy Edward Jones came home Sunday and got angry because his wife, Beverly Jones, didn’t have dinner on the table.

Crosier said the couple fought and Beverly Jones ran to a neighbor’s house. Crosier said she turned and saw flames coming out of the basement and her husband exiting through the basement door.

Guy Jones was in the South Central Regional Jail on Monday afternoon in lieu of $50,000 bond. It could not be determined whether he had a lawyer.

Ain’t true around here. I have dinner ready every night so Mrs. Redneck don’t set no fires.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Ray Stevens – We The People

Redneck Video of the Week:

Red Bull – Akte Blanix II (Connecting flight)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Balloon Daredevil Crosses English Channel

(or how to beat those stupid airline fees)

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Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
- Will Rogers

Issue 88

Redneck Ramblins

• I get really irritated at baseball’s all-star voting. Taylor Teagarden, the Ranger’s catcher, has 108,000 votes and is 4th in the voting for catchers in the American League. He is in the minors after getting just one hit and batting .037. Vote for true all-stars that are performing this year!
• The stock market charts look like an EKG. I just hope it doesn’t flat line.
• North Korea just severed all ties with South Korea. Like the ties that they had meant anything.
• Scariest thing I have heard in a while – BP says it is doing all it can.
• Seems like everyone is blaming everyone instead of concentrating on fixin’ the problem.
• Think inflation is coming! In the first 220 years of recorded financial records of the USA (i.e., 1789-2008), the nation had cumulative deficits of $5.3 trillion (i.e., outlays in excess of receipts).  The combined deficits in the 3 years of 2009-10-11 (i.e., the actual deficit of $1.4 trillion in 2009 plus the government’s projected deficits in 2010 and 2011) are estimated to reach $4.2 trillion (source: White House).
• Something just ain’t right about building a mosque at the site of the World Trade Center.
• Somebody said that Obama finally admitted he was wrong about something. He said that he was wrong about thinking the oil industry was prepared for an accident. This will happen when Willie Nelson cuts his hair. Hey, wait…………
• Memorial Day – the day we remember those that gave all so that we can have our freedom.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Miami Company Creates “Gringo Masks” for Illegals

By TODD WRIGHT

Updated 10:11 AM EDT, Tue, May 25, 2010

If you are looking for a way to beat Arizona’s new immigration law, look no further than Miami’s new Gringo Masks.

The new product, brainchild of Miami advertising agency Zubi Advertising, guarantees the cops won’t be stopping you or your loved ones after you put your best white face forward.

The product is simple. Choose from a cut out of a blue-eyed, sandy hair-colored white guy or a green-eyed, blond haired white woman.

Cut the face to fit yours. Poke out the eyes. And presto! You don’t look like a “suspicious, potentially illegal” alien. Rubber band or green card not included.

Headlines

More older Americans start own businesses

Duh!.They were the ones most affected by the layoffs and older folks aren’t being hired.for the new jobs.

PRIVATE PAY PLUMMETS, GOVT HANDOUTS SOAR

Just like liberals like it.

Obama Approval Falls to New Low: 42%…

Surprised that he still has that many people fooled.

Obama: Government is in charge of oil disaster response:

Now I’m scared……..

Redneck Joke of the Week

Here’s a story that could’ve easily played out in any small town where
everybody knows everybody and they all know more than they should
about their neighbors. We’ll just say it happened in a courthouse
somewhere in the South and leave it at that. The way I heard it, a small-
town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother
type to the stand.

Once she was sworn in the attorney approached her and asked, “Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?”

Mrs. Jones rolled her eyes. “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I’ve
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. I’m glad your granddaddy didn’t live to see this
day. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you
haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything but a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I’d say I know you.” The lawyer was stunned! The
courtroom was silent. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Of course. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women and the last one was your wife. Yes, I know
him.”

The defense attorney likta died. Before anyone had a chance to
recover the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and
in a very, very quiet voice he said, “If either of you asks her if she
knows me, I will throw both of you in jail!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Another Use for Duct Tape

Racin’

The Coca Cola 600 is a marathon and the longest race of the year. It is a real test of the drivers, crews, and cars.

The picks:

1. Jimmie “I Own Charlotte Motor Speedway” Johnson
2. Kasey “Pretty Boy” Kahne
3. Martin Truex, Jr. – the other Martin and the other Jr.

Ain’t True

PHILADELPHIA — Airline officials are trying to figure out how a sleeping passenger was left aboard a flight for four hours after it landed in Philadelphia.

According to police and the Transportation Security Administration, the passenger didn’t wake up when her United Express flight from Dulles airport outside Washington landed shortly after midnight Tuesday. At about 4 a.m., a cleaning crew found her.

United Airlines says they’re working with a regional partner carrier to determine why the plane wasn’t cleared upon landing.

Ain’t true that the airline has to pay a $21,000 fine for violating the 3 hour rule.

Redneck Song of the Week:

SEVEN BRIDGES ROAD

Redneck Video of the Week:

Memorial Day – Arlington (Trace Adkins)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

It is

the VETERAN,

not the preacher,

who has given us freedom of religion.

It is

the VETERAN,

not the reporter,

who has given us freedom of the press.

It is

the VETERAN,

not the poet,

who has given us freedom of speech.

It is

the VETERAN,

not the campus organizer,

who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is

the VETERAN,

not the lawyer,

who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is

the VETERAN,

not the politician,

Who has given us the right to vote.

It is the

VETERAN who

salutes the Flag,

It is

the

VETERAN

who serves

under the Flag,

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
? James Arthur Baldwin

Issue 87

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba was last seen heading to the Horizon well in the gulf armed with duct tape and tie wraps.
• The way the healthcare law is written it is much cheaper for many employers to pay the tax penalty than it is to offer health insurance to their employees.  For example, AT&T spent $4.7 billion on medical costs but would have been taxed a much lower amount ($600 million) for not offering their 1.2 million employees, retirees, and their dependents’ health care benefits  – a savings of $4.1 billion for the company.  Think the law was written this way to drive everybody to gummit healthcare?
• Hey Mr. Weatherman, this 20% chance of rain is flooding our street!
• President Obama signed the Press Freedom Act, and then promptly refused to take any questions. Such irony!
• I used to work all day and not think about it. Now if I think about work, I have to sit down and rest.
• Don’t you just love the story about the shortstop that is paid over $ 10 million a year that was benched for not hustling on two plays. Now he is lashing out at his manager and refuses to apologize to his teammates. Go get a real job, Ramirez!
• Hey poLIEticians! Can you hear us now? Anti-incumbent movement is working. Specter and Sestak are the latest to go. And this is just the primaries. Wait until November!!
• What is it with this “I mis-spoke” business? You lied, dude!
• Pray for our troops and may God bless America!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

BALTIMORE, May 15 (UPI) — Some residents of Baltimore’s Scarlett Place are balking at a plan to test every dog’s DNA to find the animal responsible for leaving poop at the upscale condo.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous,” said attorney Richard Hopp, who has lived in the condominium since 2006 with his dog Sparky. Hopp likened a plan to charge dog owners and guests with dogs $50 each to cover the DNA test and supplies to an episode of “Seinfeld.”

Dog owners would also be charged $10 per month to pay for collection of the poop by the building’s staff. The resident not cleaning up behind an offending dog would be fined $500.

The Scarlett Place condo board will vote on whether to mandate the doggy DNA testing at a hearing Wednesday, the Baltimore Sun reported.

“Some people think it’s funny. But you know, this seems to be a reasonable objective to say, ‘This is your poop, you’re responsible,’” Steve Frans, a condo board member, told the Sun.

Headlines

STUDY: Babies know difference between good and evil — at six months…

Unfortunately we seem to grow out of that.

OBAMA POINTS FINGER AT FINGER POINTERS…

Only because they are beginning to point at him.

Daily stress and worry plummet after age 50

Really plummet after retirement!

Napolitano Defends Spill Response: Gov’t has ‘limited capability and expertise’…

In any area……..

Redneck Joke of the Week

A redneck walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00.

The redneck says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same redneck walks into the bar and once again says

(with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands

the redneck a bill for $67.00. The redneck says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same redneck walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill.”

In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The redneck replies, “you!!??  No Way!

You get too violent when you drink.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Extended Cab Pickup

Racin’

This is the week of the No race – no points, no friends, no holes barred, no coming in second – NASCAR All-Star Race at Charlotte Motor Speedway. It’s checkers or wreckers. Fun race!!

The picks:

1. Kyle Busch
2. Kurt Busch
3. Kasey Kahne

Ain’t True

Man charged with faking his way into Harvard

WOBURN, Mass. — A Delaware man has been charged with faking his way into Harvard and duping the Ivy League school out of $45,000 in financial aid, grants and scholarships.

Adam Wheeler, 23, of Milton, Del., was admitted to Harvard and became a student in 2007 after he falsely claimed he had earned a perfect academic record at Phillips Academy in Andover and had studied for a year at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, prosecutors said Monday.

Ultimately, authorities said, Wheeler’s attempts to be an overachiever were his undoing: Harvard started to look into Wheeler’s background after he sought the school’s endorsement for Rhodes and Fulbright scholarships. A professor reviewing his application noticed similarities between Wheeler’s writing and that of a colleague, prosecutors said.

Wheeler was indicted on 20 offenses, including larceny, identity fraud and pretending to hold a degree. He was scheduled to be arraigned Tuesday in Middlesex Superior Court.

Wheeler, who was studying English, was trying to transfer to Yale and Brown when he got caught in the “web of lies and deceit,” Middlesex County District Attorney Gerry Leone said.

“This defendant’s actions cheated those who competed honestly and fairly for admissions and for the scholarships that this defendant fraudulently obtained,” Leone said.

A number listed to Adam Wheeler in Milton, Del., had been disconnected. Leone’s office did not know whether he had a lawyer.

In January, authorities say, Wheeler submitted transfer applications to Yale and Brown. In his applications, Wheeler said he was employed by McLean Hospital, a psychiatric facility affiliated with Harvard, even though he was not, Leone said. His transfer application included faked recommendations from an employee at the hospital and from his former Harvard dean, Leone said.

Harvard released a statement saying it could not discuss individual cases because of federal privacy laws and referred all questions to the Middlesex District Attorney’s office.

Before attending Harvard, Wheeler was a student at Bowdoin College in Maine from 2005-07, but was suspended for academic dishonesty, authorities said.

Ain’t true that he is running for President in 2012.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Craig Morgan – This Ain’t Nothin’

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Solution for Oil Spill

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Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Things Aren’t What They Seem Sometimes

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The only difference I ever found between the Democratic leadership and the Republican leadership is that one of them is skinning you from the ankle up and the other, from the neck down.”

– Huey P. Long