Author Archive

Issue 133

RetiredRedneck is back! It is mere coincidence that the blog went off the grid at the same time that the Redneck Special Forces were deployed to Pakistan the same time as Osama showed up missing. The real cover story..I mean real story is that we had a bit of a software problem and a busy summer celebrating Mrs. Redneck’s significant birthday. Glad to be back writin’!

Redneck Ramblins

• Texas is hotter than heck and dryer than a Baptist preacher, trees are dying, the grass is brown, the lakes are drying up, foundations are cracking, wildfires are raging, but there are no mosquitoes!
• All is right with the world. Dale Earnhardt Jr. signs a 5 year extension with Hendricks and Danica is coming to NASCAR and college football season starts!
• Economists say the chance of a double dip recession is slim. Like an earthquake and hurricane hitting NYC in the same week? O crap!
• Texas A&M is leaving the Big XII (actually only X, but who’s counting). The conference is getting closer to being the Big 8 again.
• Rick Perry is running for President. That’s one way to get him out of Texas.
• Obama tried to play some politics this week when he announced his jobs speech was to be on the same night as the GOP televised presidential debate. He then relented and scheduled it for the next night. Now he has really made people mad. That is the start of the NFL season. Guess he doesn’t want anybody to watch him.
• The world is playing “Where in the World is Gaddafi”.
• Sports team used to say that their trainers and medical staff were the most valuable in getting their players back on the field. Now it is the lawyers.
• Customer service, common sense, and compromise have left the building. Maybe Elvis took em.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

(Reuters) – A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.

Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.

“He actually impaled himself with the butter knife,” Lorenz said. “He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn’t want to wait any longer for the medical procedure.”

Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. “I don’t know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything,” he said.

Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.

The hospital was expected to perform the surgery to fix his hernia, Lorenz said.

Bet this same guy tried self brain surgery with his drill last week.

Headlines

Productivity Tumbles

Of course it did. Everybody is drafting their fantasy football teams.

Powell & Rice Fire Back at Cheney Memoir

Why should the truth matter when you are trying to sell books.

Congress Approval Rate Less Than 12%

Didn’t realize they had that many family members and staff.

ECONOMY POLL: 2 OF 3 AMERICANS BLAME PRESIDENT…

Didn’t realize Obama had that many family members and staff.

Tweet of the Week

Understand that Azinger is a professional golfer. Golf is his business. ESPN later reprimanded Azinger and told him to lay off Obama.

Redneck Joke of the Week

If Men *really* Ran The World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”.

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Hotlanta this week. Only two races until the Chase begins.

The picks:

Kenseth

Johnson

Edwards

Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

FOLSOM, Calif. — Most inmates are trying to get out of prison, but authorities say they caught a California parolee trying to sneak back in.

Corrections Sgt. Tony Quinn says 48-year-old Marvin Lane Ussery was spotted late Wednesday night scaling the 7-foot tall, barbed wire-topped fence that encircles a large wooded area behind the California State Prison in Sacramento.

Quinn says Ussery served time at New Folsom for robbery before he was paroled in June 2009.

Officials are investigating whether Ussery was attempting to smuggle in drugs or cell phones, but say they haven’t found any contraband.
Ain’t true he was smugglin’. Life is harder on the outside.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Zac Brown Band performs “Chicken Fried” at the Grand Ole Opry

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Tooth Pullin’

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A family has a gross annual income of $ 50,000

It spends $ 75,000 per year

It has $ 100,000 in credit card debt

It realizes it has a financial problem.

It had planned to spend $ 77,000 next year

It cut spending to $ 72,000

Then they called the credit card company to raise its credit line.

Crazy you say?

Congress just did that for our country, but the numbers are way bigger.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Western KY loses to Kentucky

Memphis loses to Miss State

Wake Forest loses to Syracuse

Baylor loses to TCU

Kent State loses to Alabama

Utah State loses to Auburn

Georgia loses to Boise State

Ole Miss loses to BYU

Troy loses to Clemson

Fla Atlantic loses to Florida

LA – Monroe loses to Florida State

UCLA loses to Houston

So. Florida loses to Notre Dame

Tulsa loses to Oklahoma

LA – Lafayette loses to Oklahoma State

Oregon loses to LSU (Upset Special of the Week)

Middle Tenn loses to Purdue

LA Tech loses to So. Miss

Rice loses to Texas

SMU loses to Texas A&M

Marshall loses to West VA

Maryland loses to Miami

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt

Issue 132

Redneck Ramblins

• There should be open season on looters. Shoot first and ask questions later.
• Osama bin Laden woke up dead this morning!
• This is a victory for America, not for a particular political party. “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”
• “the U.S. special forces who stormed the compound came face to face with their prey” – best news I have heard in a long time
• May just be a coincidence but Bubba, Earl, and a few of their friends just got back from a “trip out East”. They have always believed that Osama was solely responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
• One reason that they buried Osama at sea was the concern over future floods. If they buried him on land, there would be excessive flooding in the area due to everyone peeing on his grave.
• Did you hear about the new drink called the OBL – two shots and a splash of water.
• Starbucks is releasing a Limited Edition coffee today… The ‘Bin Latte’ -A Dark bodied, frothy head with 2 shots in it.
• After Saturday night’s dust up, NASCAR should hold a cage match for Harvick vs Kyle Busch. Delana would kick Kyle’s butt.
• Bin Laden and the Lakers ended up the same – dead in the water.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

God’s Gift to St. Johns

Junior college power forward God’s Gift Achiuwa, one of the top players remaining in this year’s recruiting class, committed to St. John’s University Thursday.

Achiuwa, at 6-foot-8, 235 pounds, plays for Erie Community College in Buffalo, N.Y., and was also considering Washington and Cincinnati.

“Gift is a talented frontline player who possesses tremendous size, strength, speed and skill. He is an ideal fit for our baseline-to-baseline attacking style of play,” St. John’s coach Steve Lavin said.

It is a key commitment for the Red Storm, which has one of the nation’s best recruiting classes heading to the Queens campus for next season. Achiuwa, who averaged 22.3 points, 11.7 rebounds and 2.2 blocks this season, adds size to the super-talented group.

As for the attention-grabbing name, it was chosen by Achiuwa’s father, a minister in Nigeria.

“His name is the first thing that anyone asks about when they meet him,” Erie coach Alex Nwora told Yahoo! Sports last summer. “Everyone thought it was a nickname or something, but that’s his real name. Fortunately, he’s a religious kid, so he likes it.”

Achiuwa has an older brother named Promise and younger brothers named God’s Will and Precious, along with sisters Grace and Peace, SNY-TV reported.

Tweet of the Week

CoachTimHawkins Tim Hawkins

by AaronBadds

The death of Bin Laden will not change the world. There is only one man’s death who has changed the world forever. Jesus.

Headlines

Trump Leads GOP Polls

Shame on the Republicans for not having a better candidate.

Obama promises help to rebuild tornado-hit South

Hope he comes through on this promise better than his other million promises.

TX Gov. Perry: Why is Obama Helping AL and Not Texas?

It’s called politics, son!

Charlie Sheen tours tornado damage in Alabama

One disaster looking at another.

Trump: I’ve Decided to Run

Please run far away and keep running.

Donald Trump announces he has decided not to run for president

Hair today – gone tomorrow.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A very successful attorney was parking his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues, when, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

A police car quickly arrived at the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions , the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.

“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are, ” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied , “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OH , MY GOSH!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Ain’t True

When W was President  and gas prices rose above $4.00 per gallon, it was all his fault and he and Cheney were lining the pockets of their gas and oil buddies.

Ain’t true when Obama is President according to the liberals………watch this:

Redneck Song of the Week:

Justin Moore – “If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away”

Redneck Video of the Week:

Vance AFB JSUPT

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.  We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.  You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.  We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.” I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this?  If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S.  And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“When justice has been done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to the evildoers” Proverbs 21:15

Issue 131

Redneck Ramblins

• Prayers are with those in the Great State of Alabama and the rest of the beloved Southland. The South will rise again! Proud, hard workin’ people will not let these storms keep them down.
• Bubba and Earl were sittin’ around waiting for their invitations to the royal wedding tryin’ to come up with ways the poLIEticians are so much more special than the rest of us. So far they haven’t come up with anything yet, but it has only been three weeks.
• Combined annual revenue for all OPEC nations is estimated at $1 trillion. US national debt is over $14 trillion. Skeered yet?
• Obama finally showed his birth certificate. Why didn’t he just show it 3 years ago?

• Bubba and Earl heard that what we worry about usually doesn’t happen so they is really worryin’ about the reelection of Obama and Congress.
• I would not get up at 3 am for any wedding. Sorry, Mrs. Redneck, but I wouldn’t get up that early for my own wedding.
• Hope I’m wrong, but I think Cam Newton is still gonna be trouble.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

NASCAR fan celebrates her 100th birthday by putting pedal to the metal at New Hampshire Motor Speedway

Rachel Gilbert has always been a race fan, having watched races at Bryar Motorsports Park – now the site of New Hampshire Motor Speedway – as long ago as the early 1960s.

She’s attended the Daytona 500.

And now she can say she’s driven a pace car around New Hampshire’s 1.058-mile oval. In celebration of her 100th birthday.

“That was such a surprise,” Gilbert said in a news release following her “hot” laps. “I had such a great teacher; I loved it.”

Jerry Gappens, executive vice president and general manager of NHMS, called Gilbert “a true pace setter.

“We wanted to take the opportunity and celebrate this special occasion with her and her family,” he said.

Gilbert, who reportedly hadn’t driven a car in nearly five years, told WBZ NewsRadio that her goal was to reach 100 mph. She admitted she came up just a bit short.

“I wish I could have … but I went up to 53 or 54 [mph] I think it was,” she said.

Besides the opportunity to drive the pace car on Tuesday, Gilbert and family members will receive suite passes for the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Lenox Industrial Tools 301, scheduled for July 17. She will attend the prerace drivers’ meeting as well.

Among the other assorted gifts she received from the speedway was an autographed crew shirt from her favorite driver, Roush Fenway Racing’s Carl Edwards.

“My mom has always been a major race fan,” daughter Marie Anne Mills said. “She doesn’t miss a race on TV.”

Go Granny Go!

Tweet of the Week

ErinAndrews Erin Andrews

Louie, Louie!!

Headlines

S&P gives Washington a kick in the pants

S&P downgraded US debt rating. Unfortunately, the Pres and Congress only focus is on reelection in 2012 not making the hard choices to fix the deficit.

Lohan gets jail time for probation violation

She is going back to jail? Who saw that coming?

Obama, hoping to end ’sideshow,’ offers birth form

If he wanted to end ‘sideshow’ he should have produced it 3 years ago. Now people are wondering did it take him that long to fake it.

Police: drunk New York man drove motorcycle more than 130 mph

No duh. You would have to be drunk to go that fast on a motorcycle.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “One.”

The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$121,237.65.”

The boss says “$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

After the Easter weekend off, the Good Ol’ Boys do some Saturday night racin’ at Richmond – the short track that thinks it is a super speedway.

The picks:

1. Kyle Busch (tryin’ to jinx him)
2. Denny “Homeboy” Hamlin
3. Clint Bowyer

Ain’t True

Termites eat millions of Indian rupees in bank

LUCKNOW, India — It was an all you can eat buffet at the bank.

An army of termites munched through 10 million rupees ($222,000) in currency notes stored in a steel chest at a bank, police in northern India said Friday.

The bank manager discovered the damage when he opened the reinforced room in an old bank building on Wednesday, police officer Navneet Rana told The Associated Press.

“It’s a matter of investigation how termites attacked bundles of currency notes stacked in a steel chest,” he said. The money was put in the chest in January.

The termites had damaged bank furniture and documents in the past.

The police have registered a case of negligence against bank officials in Barabanki, a town 20 miles (30 kilometers) southwest of Lucknow, the Uttar Pradesh state capital. In India, police register a case before opening an investigation.

Ain’t true that these termites can eat through money faster than Congress.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Song of the South – Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week:

The South Rocks! (Redneck Reality TV Show)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

BRANDON, MISSISSIPPI HANDLES WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH AT MARINES FUNERAL.

Congratulations to Brandon Mississippi and all the people who saluted Staff Sgt Jason Rogers, a Marine at his funeral. The Westboro Baptist Church out of Topeka Kansas was going to protest at SSgt Rogers funeral but the Mississippians took care of that. Apparently a few days before the funeral a member of the Westboro Baptist Church was at a Brandon gas station running his mouth. He got his butt kicked. Despite a large crowd in the area no one remembers seeing anything.

On the day of the funeral Rankin County pickup trucks parked directly behind any Kansas licensed cars in the motels. Mysteriously the drivers disappeared until after the funeral was over. Some of the Kansas drivers called the Police but sadly all the wreckers in town were busy so that the pickups couldn’t be towed.

A few of the Westboro Baptist Church members made it to the funeral but were ushered away for questioning about a crime they might have been involved with. They were questioned for a couple of hours and let go.

There is a video shot from the camera in a police car of the people along the funeral route. There are literally thousands of people with their hands over their hearts, American flags, firemen, flags on hook n ladders saluting SSG Rogers. A fitting tribute to a fallen Marine. Semper Fi

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

-Abraham Lincoln

Issue 130

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl like to sleep. They are going to interview for jobs as air traffic controllers.
• ABC cancelled two long running soap operas this week. Now the people that watched them will have to get a life.
• How appropriate that National Stress Awareness Day falls on the same day as Tax Day.
• Wouldn’t mind paying taxes so much if I didn’t know how much is wasted.
• I can certainly identify with the McIlroy collapse in the final round of the Masters with the exception that I wish I could shoot an 80 at Augusta.
• This week is Holy week. The resurrection made all the difference.
• Barry Bonds was convicted on one count, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t guilty on all accounts. What a waste of talent.
• Do you believe the poLIEticians and their proposed budget cuts? I didn’t think so.
• Been a year since the BP oil spill in the Gulf. Satisfied that BP took care of everything or you believing their TV ads?
• God bless America and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Georgia lemonade stand fundraiser for sick child robbed by two adults

Teenagers running a Georgia lemonade stand to raise money for a two-year-old’s medical bills were robbed by two adults.

TV station WXIA reports that 13-year-old Chelsea Edwards and two of her friends were selling lemonade Saturday to raise money for Logan Varnadoe’s medical bills and an upcoming hospital trip when a man and a woman ran up and snatched a jar containing $150.

20-year-old Gage Turner took off in a car, leaving 21-year-old Amber Umbarger behind. She was arrested on three counts of robbery by sudden snatching.

Turner was later found by police after someone reported seeing a man knocking on people’s door. He was found in a vacant apartment nearby. There was no word on whether Turner faces the same charges as Umbarger.

Varnadoe was born with a third of the normal amount of brain matter. He has had hernias and gastro-intestinal problems and his family was raising money to fund an upcoming trip to a children’s hospital in Ohio that would give him treatment that’s no longer available in the state of Georgia.

The sheriff’s office covering the case was moved by the fundraising effort and have been collecting donations to give to the family.

If any readers would like to donate to Logan’s fund, they can do so through his site on everribbon.com.

Tweet of the Week

RyanMcGeeESPN Ryan McGee

RT @espn4d Today’s feel-good story: guys arrested for robbing UGA football locker room were recruits from Columbus, Ga., on a visit. Lovely.

Georgia will probably sign them anyway.

Headlines

What Bridge Near You is Ready to Fail?

The bridge over troubled water?

Obama Unplugged: ‘You Think We’re Stupid?’

They are beyond thinking and are now more into knowing.

America’s Top Liars

Newsweek talks about Bonds, Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, but do not mention a thang about the poLIEticians.

How to Catch a Liar

Let’s see. You could use a bunch of pork or you could use a stack of votes to catch the poLIEticians.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper
sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to
Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

MWR featured the NCAA Football National Champions on their cars

at Talladega the last two years. Last year Alabama and this year Auburn.

Racin’

Texas race was won by Matt “The Brat” Kenseth.  At least it wasn’t a Busch.

Dega is next with its Noah’s Ark (2 by 2) plate racin’. Don’t necessarily like it, but it is what it is.

The picks:

1. Carl Edwards
2. Jeff Gordon
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Lady Liberty stamp shows wrong statue

WASHINGTON (AP) — Just as the post office was hoping to promote going green, it finds itself red-faced.

It turns out that a first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty is based on a photo of a Las Vegas replica of the statue.

Postal Service spokesman Roy Betts said 3 billion stamps have been printed and they won’t be pulled from the market. The 44-cent forever stamp has been on sale in coils since December and is to be released in booklet form.

The actual Statue of Liberty has appeared on more than 20 stamps previously, Betts said.

The mistake, first reported by Linn’s Stamp News, comes to light just as the Postal Service is issuing a new set of stamps urging protection of the environment by going green. Those stamps promote actions such as composting, saving water, recycling and planting trees.

In its news release in December announcing the stamp, the Postal Service said the Statue of Liberty was shown in a close-up photograph of her head and crown.

Post office press materials referring to the stamp have now been changed to say: “Raimund Linke’s close-up photograph of the Lady Liberty replica at the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada appears on the stamp art. The original Statue of Liberty stands on Liberty Island in New York Harbor.”

Linn’s, a weekly magazine for stamp collectors, noted that the stamp shows a rectangular patch on the crown of the statue. But the patch doesn’t appear on the actual statue.

In addition, the magazine said, the eyes, eyelids and eyebrows on the replica appeared more sharply defined than on the original statue and the hair was different.

Ain’t true that the United States Postal Service can get anything right.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Old Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week:

Good to See Dale Jr Having Fun Again

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Senior Texting Code

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you(or forward to those that do).

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can’t get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

Harold B. Lee
US Mormon clergyman (1899 – 1973)

Issue 129

Redneck Ramblins

• Obama announced his reelection campaign this week. His slogan for 2012 is “I Hope I Change”.
• Bubba and Earl have been doin’ research – so far they have discovered that the team with the most points wins and that people who keep having birthdays live longer. It has taken a lot of beer to fuel that brain power.
• Texas state legislature just voted in a law that allows for speed limit of 85 mph. Guess they want to slow people down.
• After watching the Country Music Awards, there is no doubt that the majority of the voters were – teenage girls.
• Wanna stop the federal gummit shutdown? Just stop paying Congress and their staff – no salary – no benefits. Also do not supply their offices with a/c or electricity.
• It is not cool to say “What’s shaking?” in Japan.
• What if Congress mediates the NFL disagreement. They could disagree in disagreeing there too.
• If Donald Trump is the answer, then it is a serious bad question.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Man glued to toilet seat at Walmart

ELKTON, Md. — Elkton police say a man became stuck to a department store toilet seat after someone spread glue on it.

It happened at the Walmart in Elkton. Officials refused to say how long the man was stuck before he was able to get help.

Police say emergency workers removed the seat from the toilet and took the man out with seat still attached to him. The seat was removed at the emergency room at Union Hospital.

Police say the incident is a second-degree assault case that may have been a random prank.

Confucious: He who stuck to toilet is hooked on pot.

Tweet of the Week

PPistone Pete Pistone

Butler blaming bad shooting on Kirstie Alley’s fall on DWTS – something about disrupting the earth’s revolution

Headlines

Charlie Sheen Booed Off Stage

Who saw that comin? Still winning Charlie?

27% of communication by members of Congress is taunting, professor concludes

The other 73% of their time is split between lining their own pockets and getting reelected.

LAWMAKERS DISAGREE OVER WHY THEY CAN’T AGREE

If they would quit disagreeing on why they disagree, maybe they could solve the dang thang.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Congress

Redneck Picture of the Week

Post Mortem Picture of Congressperson

Racin’

Martinsville was a great race. Jr leading in the last twenty laps only to be beat by Happy Harvick in the last 4 laps. The ol’ heart was pumping hoping for an 88 win. Not used to that lately.

Racin’ at the home track this week – Texas Motor Speedway. This will be a fast and furious race in the dark.

The picks:

1. “Cousin Carl” Edwards

2. Jimmie Johnson

3.  David Regan

4. Anybody but a Busch.

Ain’t True

Was talking with one of my friends this week about NASCAR. She said that it was a sport for rednecks to go fast, make left turns, and run in a circle all day.

Ain’t true! They run in ovals all day.

Redneck Song of the Week:

This Is Country Music – Brad Paisley

Redneck Video of the Week:

What Happens When You Pick on Somebody One Too Many Times

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Comments made in the year 1955!

That’s only 56 years ago!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘

‘Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year?  It won’t
be long before $1, 000.00 will
only buy a used one.’

‘If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. ‘

‘Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.’

‘If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.’

‘When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.’

‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more.  Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.’

‘I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas ..’

‘Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the
President. ‘

‘I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric.  They are even making
electric typewriters now. ‘

‘It’s too bad things are so tough
nowadays.  I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet. ‘

‘It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.’

‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.’

‘Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes.  I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.’

‘The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.’

‘There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend.  It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.’

‘No one can afford to be sick
anymore.  At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for
my blood.’

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents
for a haircut, forget it.’

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”
Groucho Marx

Issue 128

Redneck Ramblins

• Apologizes for missing a week on the blog. The ol’ Dell desktop died and had to transfer all of the stuff to the laptop. Love technology, except when it doesn’t work. Thank God for the 1.5 TB backup drive.
• Google is a term for a number and a million zeros or our national debt in two years.
• Commodity, food, and gas prices are all surging. Another recession is around the corner. Happens every time………
• The tower controller at Reagan National was asleep on duty. Not the first time people have been asleep on the job in DC.
• Bubba and Earl have been real quiet lately. That’s what you do when you are laying low.
• Ever notice how people point to their wrist when they want to know what time it is. Aren’t you glad that they don’t point when they ask where the restroom is located?
• What is happening to all of the school districts nationwide is criminal. Politicians need to quit playing games and put the money where their mouths are.
• Earl done come down with the crud. He got him some of that 150 proof mountain medicine and should be feeling better by the time the hangover is over.
• Opening day at the ballparks across America. It don’t get no better than that.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Mistake leaves Ohio man with $16M cable TV charge

BEAVERCREEK, Ohio (AP) — Try fitting this cable bill into the monthly budget.

An Ohio man says Time Warner Cable told him he owed the company $16.4 million.

Daniel DeVirgilio, of Beavercreek, says his payment was rejected because it wouldn’t cover the total. His bill is usually $80.

DeVirgilio tells the Dayton Daily News he wanted to watch the NCAA basketball tournament’s Sweet 16 but didn’t expect it to cost a million dollars per team. He jokes he should have added Showtime to his channels because the charge of a few extra dollars doesn’t seem big in comparison.

Time Warner says human error is to blame for the payment problem. Officials say a worker typed the wrong amount owed, and a letter to DeVirgilio was automatically generated. They’re working to resolve the issue.

Headlines

Vikes’ Peterson calls NFL labor situation ‘modern-day slavery’

Free the slaves so they can get real jobs like everybody else.

U.S. wine sales top France for the first time

In the Wine War, France must have surrendered.

AT&T is getting married to T-Mobile. There will be no reception afterwards.

FARK.com headline writer wins this week’s award. Unfortunately, it probably be true.

A year after passage, health care law still abstract

Cause nobody has read the thing yet.

11 stocks turned $10,000 into $100,000 in 2 years

Wonder how many stocks turned $100,000 into $ 10,000 in the same time?

Obama is locked out of the White House

Awright, who let him back in?

Redneck Joke of the Week

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from
his bed one morning to find it was a fine spring day in his new Texas
mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: ”Good morning. This is Sergeant
Jones. How might I help you?”

”And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.
Ann ’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn.”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, ”Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: ”Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The jinx on Kyle Busch didn’t work at Bristol. Good race, just the wrong winner.

The big ol’ 2 mile track in Fontana, California produced a heck of a finish. Harvick was happy with his pass on the last lap for the come from behind win.

This week it is back to the paperclip short track and Martinsville hot dogs.

The picks:

1. Denny “Homeboy” Hamlin
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Jeff Gordon
4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Rocker Sammy Hagar Says He Was Abducted by Aliens

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – No doubt Sammy Hagar, a former lead singer for Van Halen, has enjoyed a lot of far out experiences in life, but on Monday, the rocker told perhaps his farthest out tale to MTV. He was abducted by aliens.

Or, at least, his brain was.

In an interview for his new book, “Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock” at mtvhive.com, Hagar lets go of what even he admits might make him “sound like a crazy person” to some readers.

He and the reporter are talking about dreams he claims to have had about UFOs, and when asked whether he believed he had been abducted, Hagar answers: “I think I have.”

The reporter seemed surprised. “What? Really? I was kidding. You seriously believe that?” he asks.

Hagar laughs and goes on to explain that a passage in the book described as a dream in which he is contacted by aliens from outer space in California was, in fact, reality.

The tale describes how the beings tapped into his mind through a wireless connection.

“It was real,” Hagar told the reporter, according to the story on MTV’s Hive website. “They were plugged into me. It was a download situation … Or, they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment.”

Hagar goes on to describe another experience at the age of four where he believes he saw an alien space ship in broad daylight hovering over a country field where his family lived.

The rock guitarist and vocalist is no stranger to wild times. He was a part of several bands, including Montrose, during the “sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll” era of the 1970s and 1980s, and during its heyday Van Halen was among the biggest acts in rock music.

In his book and in the interview with MTV’s Hive, Hagar lets the stories fly on the sex and drugs he did during those years, and he even has a few not-so-nice things to say about another Van Halen lead singer, David Lee Roth, whom Hagar replaced in 1985.

Ain’t true that the drugs had any effect?

Redneck Song of the Week:

Jason Aldean- My Kinda Party

Redneck Video of the Week:

Funny Cats

(Maybe the Reason They Need 9 Lives)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here’s the way it should be:

Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical

treatment, wheel chairs, etc. They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly… if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education…and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing – ie. shoes, slippers, pj’s – and legal aid would be free, upon request. There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost. They would receive daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

Sounds like justice to me…

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. “
Johnny Carson

Issue 127

Redneck Ramblins

• Charlie Sheen is going to Haiti? Haven’t they suffered enough?
• Googled retired redneck and this is what Google asks:
  • Did you mean: retarded redneck
• If God is your co-pilot, then switch seats. It is written that Jesus sits at the right hand of the God Almighty. Then that leaves me back in the cabin, hopefully in first class, and I go wherever they go.
• Wow! It took a 8.9 earthquake and tsunami to knock Charlie Sheen off of the front page.
• No NFL this fall? Too bad I will have to watch NASCAR and college football. Please don’t throw me in that briar patch.
• Must be spring in Texas. Tornadoes to the east of us and wildfires to the west.
• This morning when I heard of the possibility of a meltdown, I wondered which Hollywood star went zulu today.
• Think that the BCS just took over the NCAA basketball tournament selection.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Man fires gun to protest slow service at Denny’s

ORLANDO, Fla., March 12 (UPI) — A man decided to let employees at a Denny’s restaurant in Florida know he was unhappy about delayed service by firing three shots outside the door, police say.

Frederick Louis Sims, 31, of Orlando was arrested near the restaurant Tuesday afternoon, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Police officers said they found a small quantity of marijuana and a .22-caliber Ruger pistol in Sims’s Cadillac Escalade.

Sims was being held in lieu of $2,600 bail on charges that include possession of the marijuana and firing a weapon in public.

The Ruger was seized by police. Investigators said it had a cartridge in the chamber and four in the magazine.

Heck if everybody did that, they could turn every Denny’s into a shooting range. Their service is always slow.

Headlines

CBS Fires Charlie Sheen

Wow! Who say that comin’? Are you still winning, Bud?

Four Auburn football players arrested, dismissed from team

Not a big Auburn fan, but do applaud the swift dismissal from the team. More coaches need to do this.

NFL formally announces lockout of players…

Mutual greed is gonna kill the golden goose.

Obama Focuses on Bullying

He should set a better example than to bully himself.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The Magic Green Hat

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all.

Here’s the hat.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But…don’t try it at McDonald’s. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

No Cup racin’ this past week. This week is Bristol! Rubbin’, swappin’ paint, bumpin’ and runnin’ on the World’s Fastest Half-Mile!

Picks:

1. Kurt Busch
2. Kyle Busch
3. Carl Edwards

Trying to put the jinx on. I pickem’, they wreck.

Ain’t True

83 rescued from Ky. eatery that floated downstream

COVINGTON, Ky. – A seafood eatery aboard a barge broke from its moorings on the flood-swollen Ohio River, then drifted downriver during the dinner rush before emergency crews rescued 83 patrons using a precarious gangplank of ladders and ropes, authorities said Saturday.

Covington Fire Department Capt. Chris Kiely said diners at Jeff Ruby’s Waterfront restaurant used cell phones to call for help Friday night as the restaurant floated about 85 to 100 yards downstream. Everyone on board, including former Cincinnati Bengals star Cris Collinsworth, was safe after the hours-long rescue, Kiely told The Associated Press. All were led off one at a time, wearing life jackets.

TV footage of the rescue showed dinner patrons pacing aboard the barge as firefighters put up the makeshift bridge of ladders that spanned swirling, debris-filled water. Work boats edged close amid the flashing lights of fire trucks nearby. Patron Kathy Kinane told the AP on Saturday morning that she and her husband had been finishing their dinner with another couple when they felt a bump. Her husband, Bill, looked out the window and saw that the usually stationary boat was moving.

“That was not a good thing,” she said. “We said, ‘Let’s get up and leave.’”

By then, a crowd had gathered by the exit. The walkway ramp had broken loose from shore. But rescuers and tugboats arrived quickly, and the fact the power stayed on helped prevent a panic, she said. Outside, the current was moving very quickly, though the Kinanes hadn’t been concerned about eating there because they had been there before when the river had risen, she said.

The Kinanes, frequent patrons of the restaurant, had worn snorkels and masks when they arrived to surprise the manager. They returned the gear to their cars — though Kinane joked they should have kept it with them.

“We were joking about the river,” she said. “Well, the joke’s on us now.”

Everyone on the boat had been completely cut off because all the gangplanks were torn away or damaged, Kiely said by telephone.

Emergency crews strapped the life jackets on those whose dinner of shrimp and seafood was abruptly interrupted. Women were taken to shore first, across the improvised ladder bridge, Kinane said. She said she had to take off her heels to make her way out.

Kiely, after returning from the rescue, said he saw Collinsworth — the former Bengals star wide receiver and NBC pro football commentator — among those rescued. Collinsworth, who was a star at the University of Florida, has long been associated with Ruby, who offers “Steak Collinsworth” at several of his restaurants.

On Saturday morning, efforts were continuing to keep the restaurant secured. Tree limbs and other debris filled the water and garbage piled against one end of the restaurant.

Rob Carlisle, one of the owners of C&B Marine of Covington, directed efforts by one of his company’s towboats to secure the front end of the restaurant.

He told AP the restaurant had become wedged against the Clay Wade Bailey Bridge, one of several linking Cincinnati with northern Kentucky.

“If the bridge wasn’t there it could have traveled down the river quite a ways,” he told the AP. Light traffic moved across the three-lane bridge, as did trains on an adjacent track.

Carlisle said authorities were discussing the possibility of a crane on a barge being brought in to help put the restaurant back in place as river levels permit in coming days.

Two other waterfront restaurants in Newport, Ky., had closed recently because of high waters from heavy rains. The Ohio River already was above flood stage and was expected to crest at 4 feet to 5 feet above flood stage. Low-lying areas just east of Cincinnati on the Ohio side have experienced some moderate flooding.

The restaurant is one of several along the river, on the Kentucky side just opposite Cincinnati.

Ain’t true that this was supposed to be a dinner “cruise”.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Voices – Chris Young

Redneck Video of the Week:

Zach Enyeart Trick Shot Long Snapper

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Southern Translations of California Euphemisms.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention.”

-John Burroughs

Issue 126

Redneck Ramblins

• Gaddafi, Qaddafi, Gadhafi, Kadhafi – which one is right spelling? I have seen each, even on the same CNN website. I think his last name should be spelled Idiot.
• The federal gummit, states, counties, cities, school systems, postal service, etc. are all broke and some people think more gummit is the answer.
• Heard that the federal gummit might have to shut down. Whoopie!! Oh, wait they passed an emergency spending bill to keep it going. Dang!
• I may disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it. Unless you want to shout it at the funeral of someone who did, in fact, defend to the death your rights.
• The Supreme Court ruling is constitutional correct, however, the Westboro Baptist Church is morally wrong.
• Charlie Sheen has now passed into the Irrelevant Club joining Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and others. And these fools get paid millions per episode or concert? Pay the soldiers, preachers, and teachers – people who make a difference!
• Bubba and Earl have been “away” for a while. They were pulled over last week and told to walk the line. They were busted when they told the officer to quit wiggling it.
• Things ain’t gonna get any better until people start voting in real elections as often as they vote on American Idol and Dancing with the Stars.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Most NASCAR drivers don’t come to mind when you think of Las Vegas crimefighters, but then again, most NASCAR drivers aren’t 69-year-old Morgan Shepherd. The veteran of 44 NASCAR seasons was getting out of his rental car in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart store Monday evening just minutes away from Las Vegas Motor Speedway just as three men burst from the store’s entrance with security forces trailing behind.

Thats when Shepherd, a daily jogger and fitness perfectionist, sprang into action. “I just got out and took off after them,” Shepherd said. “I caught one of them just as they were getting ready to hop a little wall at the end of the parking lot. I yanked him down and got on top of him.” Shepherd said in a matter of seconds a Las Vegas police officer pitched the ageless NASCAR driver a pair and handcuffs and continued pursuit of the other two suspects, along with the store’s security force.

“I cuffed him and sat on top of him,” Shepherd said. “The police department officers showed up and asked if I could hold him a while longer while they ran down the others. I told them he wasn’t going anywhere.” Shepherd said while the young shoplifter pleaded with him to let him go and about the possibility of going to jail, Shepherd used the time to lecture the youth about his poor choices.

Headlines

Long Bread Lines and Open Revolt in Libya’s Capital

Glad I am not a baker in Libya.

High gas prices rattle drivers and businesses

And in other news, the sun rose in the east this morning.

Is media aiding in Charlie Sheen’s downfall?

Charlie is doing a great job of distructing all by himself.

Obama takes a butter knife to the budget

Better get out the chain saw there buddy.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

‘The second old guy says, ‘That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too.I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate’

The first old guy says, ‘Well, Maybe I can help you find her..What does she look like?’

‘ The second old guy says, ‘Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?’
To which the first old guy says, ‘Doesn’t matter,
— let’s look for yours..’

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

After the wreckfests of Daytona and Phoenix, my fantasy racin’ team ain’t doin’ too good. We’ll gettum this week at Vegas.

Picks:

1.      Carl Edwards

2.      Greg Biffle

3.      Or one of the other Roush guys

4.      Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

BONAPARTE, Iowa, March 1 (UPI) — Experts said a 4.1-ounce egg laid by an Iowa chicken is unusual, but not without precedent.

Nathan Batten, 37, said Aussie, a black Australorp chicken, laid the egg measuring 3 1/2-inches long and 6 1/2 inches in circumference at his farm near Bonaparte Feb. 18, The Des Moines Register reported Monday.

The egg weighs about twice as much as an egg labeled large by U.S. Department of Agriculture standards and exceeds the average 2 1/2 ounces for a jumbo egg.

Sean Skeehan, who raises chickens at Blue Gate Farm in Chariton, said egg size is dictated by breed, not by diet. He said the huge egg was not surprising given previous 3-ounce eggs laid by Aussie.

Hongwei Xin, director of Iowa State University’s egg industry center, said he heard of two similarly sized eggs at a farm near Winterset last year.

Batten said he is planning to contact Guinness World Records to determine whether the egg was a record-setter. On its Web site, Guinness makes no mention of largest egg laid by a chicken. It lists a more than 5-pound ostrich egg as the biggest egg laid by a bird.

Ain’t true that this is a world record. PoLIEticians lay bigger eggs than that and they are chickens.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Eric Church-Homeboy

Redneck Video of the Week:

Morse Code vs. Text Messaging

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Getting Old

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor’s office.
‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know,
‘that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?’
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I’m wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
‘NO REFILLS’..’

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
‘Yes, Dad, what is it? ‘
‘Don’t be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn’t go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife….‘

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.

———————————

The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

———————————

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know ‘why’
I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren’t paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.

——————————-
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

——————-

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
—————————————-
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It’s worse when
You forget to pull it down.

———————————
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft….

Today, it’s called golf.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”

Henry David Thoreau
US Transcendentalist author (1817 – 1862)

Issue 125

Redneck Ramblins

• Gotta feel bad a little bit for Mubarak. You know you sucked at your job when the whole nation celebrates when you leave.
• Talk is cheap. If not, everything would be fixed – economy, education crisis, Social Security, Medicare, illegal immigration……..
• Am I the only one that puckers up when I hear, “Let me be clear”?
• The Washington Post is reporting that the total of the federal, state, and local government debt is now more that the entire US economy. Skeered yet?
• Seems UK’s Easyjet airline needs a little cultural awareness. On a flight from Tel Aviv to London its only food offerings were ham sandwich melt and bacon baguettes. Not kosher dudes!
• Somebody said that there was an NBA All-Star game last Sunday. Anybody watch it?
• My RDD (racin’ deficit disorder) is easing up a bit now that racin’ season is back
• Gaddafi says that he wants to be a martyr. Does he know that he can only be a martyr if he’s dead?
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Tampa mom makes son wear sign announcing 1.22 GPA

TAMPA, Fla.—A Tampa mother is defending her decision to stick her teenage son on a street corner with a sign that says, among other things, “GPA 1.22 … honk if I need education.”

Ronda Holder says she and the boy’s father have tried everything to get their 15-year-old to shape up academically. They’ve offered help, asked to see homework, grounded, lectured him and confiscated his cell phone. James Mond III’s indifference at a school meeting last week was the final straw. The next day, Holder made the sign and made her son wear it for nearly four hours.

Experts criticized the move as humiliating and ineffective, and someone reported Holder to the Department of Children and Families.

Holder insists she’s fighting for her child’s education.

Headlines

Detroit Pistons to retire Dennis Rodman’s No. 10 on April Fool’s Day

How appropriate!

Cyclist Lance Armstrong officially retiring – again

Please don’t do a Farve and come back. Know when you are done!

Arrest made after trees at Auburn’s Toomer’s Corner poisoned

Senseless act no matter what team you pull for. They oughta make him drink some of the poison as part of his punishment.

Defiant Gaddafi vows to fight on

Yeah, that really worked for your buddy Mubarak.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.

“Don’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

Feeling ashamed the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?”  the husband calls out.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Wanna Fight?

Bring it on!

Racin’

Congratulations to the Wood Brothers and Trevor Bayne for the Daytona 500 win. I am not too sure if I like the 2 X 2 plate race drafting, but boy what a finish.

Phoenix this week.

The picks:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Mark Martin
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Climber Who Survived 1,000ft Fall Says ‘Thanks’

A climber who survived a 1,000ft fall has personally thanked the helicopter team who came to his rescue.

Adam Potter, 35, slipped on ice at the peak of Sgurr Choinnich Mor near Ben Nevis last month and fell a distance equivalent to the height of the Eiffel Tower.

He tumbled down a steep slope that included a number of sheer drops, each around a hundred feet.

Miraculously, he suffered only cuts, bruises and a few minor fractures.

A Royal Navy rescue team based at HMS Gannet in Prestwick were called to the scene and, on the basis of the details they were given, fully expected to be dealing with a fatality.

Instead, they found Mr Potter standing beneath the mountain peak, reading his map as he tried to orientate himself.

Climber Adam Potter with the HMS Gannet team

Adam Potter with members of the crew who rescued him

He told Sky News: “I am obviously very lucky to have survived this fall.

“It was very important to me to be able to thank the Royal Navy crew who came to my rescue so quickly.

“Without their almost immediate assistance, it’s anyone’s guess what may have happened.

“I know I was standing up, but I was also in extreme shock and very disorientated.

“Who knows what I may have tried to do? The guys did an amazing job.”

I’ve picked up people who have died after falling fifteen feet. To fall that far and walk away relatively unscathed is pretty amazing.

Wayne Ashton, Navy paramedic

Mr Potter, from Glasgow, let it be known he wanted to shake the hands of the crewmen who came to his aid and the Navy set up a reunion at the Prestwick base.

Wayne ‘Taff’ Ashton, the Navy paramedic who treated Mr Potter, told Sky News:

“When we got the call, there was a bit of trepidation at first, because when someone’s fallen that far, you tend to expect the worst.

“When we saw Adam, he was stood, looking down, shaking, and at first we thought he wasn’t the guy who had fallen but someone else in the climbing party who had managed to get down the hill quickly.

“Then he looked up and you could see he had panda eyes from grazing his face on the way down. I was gobsmacked that he had survived.

“I have picked up people who have died after falling fifteen feet. To fall that far and walk away relatively unscathed is pretty amazing.”

Amazing, too, is Mr Potter’s next climbing project. Undeterred by his Highland adventure, he still plans to scale Mount Everest.

Ain’t  true that he thanked the right one for saving his life. The good Lord may have had a hand in it.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett -It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere

Redneck Video of the Week:

Breaking the Michael Young news to a three-year-old….

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

And This is What Class Looks Like

Michael Young met with Gavin Justice-Farmer after seeing video of his young fan’s disappointment to the news Young might be traded. “We had a fun time,” Young said. “The young fans are the best part of the game.”

Through all the trade talk and all, Michael Young showed up at the Ranger’s Spring Training and is working hard to learn yet another infield position.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.“

-Helen Keller

Issue 124

Redneck Ramblins

• I know that all Redneck males are good with remembering important dates like the first day of huntin’ season and when the Daytona 500 will be run, but here is a fair warnin’ that next Monday is Valentine’s Day!
• The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
  They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy/snowy conditions should make sure they have the following:
  Shovel
  Blankets or sleeping bag
  Extra clothing including hat and gloves
  24 hours worth of food
  De-Icer
  Rock Salt
  Flashlight with spare batteries
  Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
  Empty gas can
  First Aid Kit
  Booster cables

Bubba and Earl looked like dang fools getting’ on the Greyhound bus with all their stuff.

• If you are wondering if the Super Bowl will return to Arlington, TX after the bad weather, ice falling off of the dome injuring folks, the seat debacle, etc., remember this – it’s all about the money. If the NFL cleaned up, then the SB will be back.
• Now that the Super Bowl is over, we can focus on more important things. Like the Daytona 500!
• So Christina flubbed the National Anthem. It’s not like111 million, the largest audience in the history of TV, were watching or anything.
• Attention big event planners: If you need to have the National Anthem sung, please consider military choirs or bands, college or high school bands, or even young children. They will do it with the respect that it deserves and will not put their own “interpretation” to our nation’s song.
• Only another week until pitchers and catchers report to spring training. The key word here is spring!

• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

No joke: Ex-mayor’s name too funny for Ind. Center

FORT WAYNE, Ind. – A former Indiana mayor who won four terms in the 1930s and 1950s is proving less popular with modern-day city leaders, who say they probably won’t name a new government center for him because of the jokes his moniker could inspire.

Harry Baals is the runaway favorite in online voting to name the new building in Fort Wayne, about 120 miles northeast of Indianapolis. But Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy said that probably won’t be enough to put the name of the city’s longest-tenured mayor on the center.

The issue is pronunciation. The former mayor pronounced his last name “balls.” His descendants have since changed it to “bales.”

Supporters said it’s unfair that the former mayor can’t be recognized simply because his name makes some people snicker. But opponents fear that naming the center after Baals would make Fort Wayne the target of late-night television jokes.

“We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that,” Malloy said Tuesday in a statement to The Associated Press. “We wanted to pick something that would reflect our pride in our community beyond the boundaries of Fort Wayne.”

An online site taking suggestions for names showed more than 1,000 votes Tuesday for the Harry Baals Government Center. That’s more than three times the votes received by the closest contender.

Jim Baals, 51, who has lived in the city his entire life, said it’s unfortunate that his great-uncle’s name won’t be considered for the building.

“Harry served four terms and was a wonderful mayor. I don’t know what the problem is,” he said. “I understand people are going to poke fun at it. That’s OK. I’ve lived with that name for 51 years now and I’ve gotten through it. I think everybody else can, too.”

City spokesman Frank Suarez said the city has no regrets about opening the name selection up to people online.

“It is a new way of reaching out to the community,” he said. “The fact that 17,000 votes have come in tell us the buzz created by this is really good. When was the last time somebody could say they had fun with their government? We’ve had fun with this.”

Suarez told The Journal Gazette that Mayor Tom Henry will meet with local groups and choose from up to 10 finalists from the suggestions submitted. Online voting ends Friday.

Headlines

Top five reasons Green Bay beat Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl

Only one really counts. Green Bay scored more points than Pittsburgh.

Another winter storm hits Dallas-Fort Worth

Maybe Jerry Jones can apply to have the Winter Olympics here.

NFL, Players’ Union Cancel 2nd Day of Talks in DC

Bet the golden goose gets put on life support before these two sides come to agreement.

Cold Weather Could Bring Return To Rolling Blackouts For TX…

Bubba and Earl having rolling blackouts too, but usually from too much drinkin’

Redneck Joke of the Week

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the first man.

“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”

The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The Bud Shootout is Saturday, February 12^th.

The Gatorade Duel’s are February 17^th.

Finally some racin’!

Ain’t True

No Cluckin’ WAY! Man Stabbed To Death By Rooster At Cockfight

Los Angeles – A man has been killed by a rooster as he tried to flee a police raid on an illegal cockfight near Fresno, California, according to a report Tuesday by CBS 47 News.

Luis Ochoa, 35, bled to death after a razor that was attached to the rooster’s leg sliced through an artery on his calf. The report said the rooster attacked him as participants and spectators of the illegal contest tried to scatter when police arrived at the fight.

Lieutenant Rick Ko with the Fresno County Sheriff’s Department said it was the first time a human has died as a result of a cockfight.

‘We’ve seen people cut with minor cuts when they put on the knives … but nothing severe,’ said Ko.

Ain’t true that there is “no clucking way”. If there is something madder than a wet hen, it is a rooster trained to fight with razor blade knives attached to it legs.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Sugarland – Down In Mississippi (Up To No Good)

Redneck Video of the Week:

Freddie-The World’s Fastest Fish

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Remembering Ronald Reagan

He Would Have Turned 100 This Week

“Some People Spend An Entire Lifetime Wondering If
They Made A Difference.

The Marines Don’t Have That Problem.”

President Ronald Regan

Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don’t need it and hell where they already have it.”

- Ronald Reagan

‘Here’s my strategy on the Cold War:

We win, they lose.’

- Ronald Reagan

‘The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

-Ronald Reagan

‘The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.’

-Ronald Reagan

‘Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the  U.S. was too strong.’- Ronald Reagan

‘I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.’

-Ronald Reagan

‘The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.’

- Ronald Reagan

‘Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.’-

Ronald Reagan

‘The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.’ -

Ronald Reagan

‘It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.’

- Ronald Reagan

‘Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it’

- Ronald Reagan

‘Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.’

- Ronald Reagan

‘No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.’-

Ronald Reagan

‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.’

-Ronald Reagan

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“In a crisis, don’t hide behind anything or anybody. They are going to find you anyway.”

-Bear Bryant