Bubba says that he doesn’t suffer from insanity. He rather enjoys it.
I like naps.
Favorite player – NAPoli
Favorite place – NAPles
Favorite foreign leader – NAPoleon
Favorite wine region – NAPa
Favorite auto parts – NAPa
Partisan politics has paralyzed us, people!
I hope that the passion exhibited at the Occupy Rallies is exhibited at the ballot box next November.
Happy birthday to my redneck son!
The phone is ringing, but it is only a paid political robocall. Almost enough to drop regular phone lines.
Education of our children should be everyone’s top priority.
With the Blackberry blackout and Apple sucking up all the bandwidth with its updates, the tech world almost came to a standstill this week.
US Postal Service has the nation’s largest fleet. Why don’t we quit delivering mail on Tuesday and Saturday? I would rather get my junk mail only four days a week. Besides USPS could save money on fuel and it would reduce pollution.
God bless America and our troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Suspect’s Cell Phone Dials 911 During Burglary
NEW CASTLE (KDKA) — Three people are facing charges – all because a thief’s cell phone dialed 911 during a burglary.
Police say the men allegedly broke into a garage in the 500-block of Harber Street in New Castle.
According to investigators, when 911 got the call, they heard male voices and a lot of noise and figured a burglary was in progress.
Dispatchers pinged the call, got the address and sent a police officer to the scene. When police got there, the officer saw three males in a truck filled with metal and pulled them over on Bell Avenue.The men were then arrested.
Nikia Goode, Vernon Bundy and Johnny Taylor are facing charges of criminal conspiracy, burglary, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property and marijuana possession.
MOM ALWAYS SAID If you can’t find something to live for, then you best find something to die for.
Headlines
Part of Obama health plan canceled
They cancelled the long-term care component because they couldn’t find a way to make it fiscally possible. How ‘bout the rest of it?
Mexico’s Newest Export to U.S. May Be Water
But can we drink it?
Pelosi Left Out of Leaders Meeting on Super Committee…
There is some good news!
FEMA asks family to return thousands in aid money, tells them they actually weren’t eligible for assistance
Why are they asking? Go get it back.
Redneck Joke of the Week
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”
Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said…
“Dad I have decided to work for Obama’s re-election campaign.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Racin’
The Chase is getting tighter. Who will win at Charlotte this week?
The picks:
Jimmie Johnson
Carl Edwards
Kevin Harvick
Anybody but a Busch
Sign of the Week
Redneck Song of the Week:
“Bless The Broken Road” – Rascal Flatts
Redneck Video of the Week:
Jeff Foxworthy-Redneck Fashion Tips Part 1
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Senior Texting
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 23 – 5 .821
Season 122 – 35 .777
Ole Miss loses to Bama
Louisville loses to Cincy
Maryland loses to Clemson
Memphis loses to E. Carolina
Florida loses to Auburn
WKY loses to Fla Atlantic
Vandy loses to Georgia
VA loses to GA Tech
Tennessee loses to LSU
North Texas loses to LA – Lafayette
Rice loses to Marshall
Miami loses to NC
Kansas loses to Oklahoma
Texas loses to Okla State
Miss State loses to S. Carolina
UConn loses to So. Fla
Central Fla loses to SMU
Baylor loses to TX A&M
Texas Tech loses to Kansas State (Upset Special of the Week)
Bowling Green loses to Toledo
UTEP loses to Tulane
UAB loses to Tulsa
Wake Forest loses to VA Tech
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips
They say that if you are doing something then you are gonna make mistakes. Then Tony Romo must be doin’ a lot.
Besides the impact on the polls, coaches now have another reason to run up the score. No lead is safe after Cowboys and Aggies last weekend.
The jobs bill is nothing more than another stimulus package with a different name. Been there done that twice already and they were absolute failures. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity!
TCU has been invited to the Big XII? (Which is actually the Big IX with A&M leaving and maybe the Big VIII if Missouri leaves too.)
Reggie Jackson certainly doesn’t have to worry about losing his title of Mr. October to ARod.
ALCS = ARod Latest Clutch Strikeout
So Palin and Christie are running! Running FROM the presidential nomination! Smart people.
Herman Cain is the only one that is making sense. ‘Course he isn’t a true poLIEtician and probably won’t be elected any way.
Obama is telling the GOP to quit playing partisan politics. Starts at the top, Bud!
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Westboro Church Uses iPhone to Announce Steve Jobs Funeral Protest
The Westboro Baptist Church took to an iPhone when they heard about Steve Jobs’ death Wednesday night, sending out a message saying the Apple founder would be going to hell and calling for a protest of his funeral.
“Westboro will picket his funeral. He had a huge platform; gave God no glory and taught sin,” wrote Margie Phelps, daughter of the church’s founder.
The controversial group often pickets outside of soldiers’ funerals to draw media attention to their cause, which includes anti-gay material. Phelps tweeted the messages from her account, with an automatic note appearing at the bottom of the Tweet saying “via Twitter for iPhone.”
“No peace for man who served self, not God,” she wrote with the hashtag, #hellgreetedhim. “Westboro must picket.”
Thursday morning, Phelps responded to widespread criticism of her using the iPhone to Tweet the messages, saying that the phone was created by God–not Jobs–for that purpose.
“Rebels mad cuz I used iPhone to tell you Steve Jobs is in hell.God created iPhone for that purpose! ” she wrote.
Arrangements for Jobs’ funeral haven’t been announced.
Tweet of the Week
@Lady31RCRSheri Albritton
RT @zachlutz: 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
Headlines
Man Arrested For 65th Time After Holding Woman And Her Children Hostage
I think I pick up on a trend here.
OBAMA: AMERICANS FRUSTRATED -- WITHBANKS...
And that ain’t all, partner!
Biden to Fifth Graders: It's All Bush's Fault...
Just like a true poLIEtician!
Hank Williams tells ESPN: Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE…
Atta boy, Bochephus!
Redneck Joke of the Week
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!”
Redneck Picture of the Week
I’m Retired and Got an RV
Racin’
The Chase is tightin’ up! Kansas Speedway this weekend:
The picks:
Carl Edwards
Jimmie Johnson
Jeff Gordon
Anybody but a Busch!
Sign of the Week
Redneck Song of the Week:
Brantley Gilbert - Country Must Be Country Wide
Redneck Video of the Week:
Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Athletes’ Wit
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
Doug Sanders, professional golfer
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.
Vic Braden, tennis instructor
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery
I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
John Breen, Houston Oilers
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day..
Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 19 – 7 .731
Season 99 – 30 .767
WKY loses to Middle Tennessee
Vandy loses to Bama
Auburn loses to Arkansas
LA – Monroe loses to Arkansas State
Iowa State loses to Baylor
Boston College loses to Clemson
Akron loses to Fla International
Georgia loses to Tennessee
Maryland loses to GA Tech
East Carolina loses to Houston
Florida loses to LSU
Idaho loses to LA Tech
Missouri loses to Kansas State
So Miss loses to Navy
Central Mich loses to NC State
Louisville loses to NC
Fla Atlantic loses to N. Texas
Texas loses to Oklahoma
Kansas loses to Okie State
Memphis loses to Rice
Kentucky loses to S. Carolina
San Diego State loses to TCU
Texas Tech loses to Texas A&M
LA – Lafayette loses to Troy
Miami loses to VA Tech
UAB loses to Miss State
Marshall loses to Central Fla
Wake Forest loses to Fla State
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”
Laws without enforcement are nothing. We have too many laws and not enough enforcement.
Deadbeats should be beat dead.
Lots could be solved in this country by responsibility and commitment.
The Hiney Lick Maneuver is far more effective than the Heimlich Maneuver for choking.
Speaking of choking – how ‘bout the Red Sox and Braves epic collapses.
I wrote a book on “How to Win Baseball Games”. Score more runs than the other team. The End.
Which is better Five Guys or In-N-Out? Gonna take lots of investigation to determine.
Earl though he was indecisive, but now he is not so sure.
Another 100 degree day added to the hottest summer on record for DFW. As my Granddaddy used to say “it was hotter than the hinges of hell.”
After 36+ years, the wife of this retired redneck still wants me……………to make the bed, wash the dishes, mop, vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, mow the lawn…..it’s nice to be wanted.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Jail or Church
BAY MINETTE, Ala. — Authorities say non-violent offenders in southern Alabama will have a new choice: Go to jail, or go to church every Sunday for a year.
WKRG-TV reports that Operation Restore Our Community begins next week.
The city judge in Bay Minette will let misdemeanor offenders choose to work off their sentences in jail and pay a fine; or go to church every Sunday for a year.
If offenders select church, they’ll be allowed to pick the place of worship but must check in weekly with the pastor and police.
If the one-year church attendance program is completed, the offender’s case will be dismissed.
Bay Minette Police Chief Mike Rowland says the program could change the lives of people heading down the wrong path. So far, 56 churches are participating.
Haas shld take the $11mil HE just EARNED & divide it among the rest of the tour. Even tho they didn’t perform as well. What do you think?
Headlines
Feds create task force to end payments to dead people after $600M paid out…
Good idea, but how will they gonna live without gummit assistance?
Cain calls Obama’s rhetoric ‘bull****’
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its probably a duck…………
Rich man to Obama: ‘Please raise my taxes’
Just for the record, that was not me!
Redneck Joke of the Week
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!
Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘
‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!
‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’
‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘
‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’
‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Redneck Dad Has Been Watchin’ Junior Again!
Racin’
Smoke smoked ‘em again in New Hampshire. Dover’s Monster Mile is up next.
The picks:
Kenseth
Smoke
Jimmie Johnson
Anybody but a Busch
Ain’t True
New York Football Coach Suspended for Taking Team to Cemetery
Published September 30, 2011 | Associated Press
A junior varsity football coach suspended for making his players lie down in a central New York cemetery as a post-defeat motivational ploy said he borrowed the idea from a pivotal scene in the 2000 Denzel Washington film “Remember the Titans.”
Craig Tice, superintendent of the Marcellus school district outside Syracuse, announced Thursday that coach Jim Marsh has been suspended for two weeks without pay for last weekend’s spur-of-the-moment stop at a rural cemetery.
Marsh’s team was returning from a loss last Saturday at neighboring Skaneateles when he had the bus pull over at a cemetery and told the 24 players to lie down between rows of graves. The coach then talked to them about the importance of playing hard.
Tice said some of the players, who were still in uniform, laid down on top of graves at St. Francis Xavier cemetery, near the Marcellus school campus 12 miles southwest of Syracuse. Some parents complained to school officials after being told by the players what had occurred.
Marsh apologized during a meeting with players and their parents at the school Thursday night, telling them he was trying to inspire the team by recreating a scene from “Remember the Titans,” which told the story of a newly integrated Virginia high school’s football team in 1971, with Washington portraying the head coach.
During one scene set at the team’s preseason camp at Pennsylvania’s Gettysburg College, the players stop for a breather in a fog-shrouded Civil War graveyard during a training run. Washington’s character uses the setting to tell his players, black and white, to “take a lesson from the dead” and start playing together as a team or face defeat.
“I tried to seize an opportunity to inspire the team with a theme from `Remember the Titans,”‘ Marsh’s statement to players and parents read. “My only thought was to bring them to a realization of what a great thing it is to be able to play football with your friends, and how great it would be to work hard and triumph the following Saturday.”
Marsh offered to resign as coach but Tice said he refused to accept it.
Tice described Marsh as a well-liked and highly regarded teacher and coach in Marcellus. Marsh was teaching classes Friday and wasn’t available for comment, Tice said.
“There were a number of critics but many more supporters” of Marsh’s graveyard ploy, Tice told The Associated Press on Friday.
Marsh offered to donate two weeks of coaching salary, $750, to the cemetery for upkeep of the grounds, the superintendent said.
The suspension has no bearing on Marsh’s job as English teacher at the Marcellus high school or his role as the coach of the school’s boys’ varsity basketball team, Tice said.
“I do not regret the message of asking players and students to give all that they have for themselves, their peers, and their community,” Marsh said in his statement. “I do not regret telling my students, my players, to be resilient when faced with challenges, to accept the responsibility for your actions, and to handle these things with class and dignity.”
The junior varsity team is being led by an assistant coach.
Ain’t true that people got any common sense left.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Eric Church – Drink In My Hand
Redneck Sign of the Week:
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WASHINGTON POLITICS!
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows,(as well as
their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of ALL primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of Baboons? Believe it or not ……. a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 21 – 8 .724
Season 80 – 23 .777
UTEP loses to Houston
S Fla loses to Pitt
Florida loses to Bama
W Ky loses to Ark State
Baylor loses to Kansas State (Upset Special of the Week)
Wake Forest loses to Boston College
Ole Miss loses to Fresno State
Miss State loses to Georgia
NC State loses to GA Tech
Fla Atlantic loses to LA – Lafayette
Hawaii loses to LA Tech
Marshall loses to Louisville
Kentucky loses to LSU
Memphis loses to Middle TN
East Carolina loses to NC
Ball State loses to Oklahoma
Auburn loses to SC
Rice loses to So. Miss
SMU loses to TCU
Buffalo loses to Tennessee
UAB loses to Troy
Iowa State loses to Texas
Arkansas loses to TX A&M
Kansas loses to TX Tech
North Texas loses to Tulsa
VA Tech loses to Clemson
Bowling Green loses to WVA
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason. J. P. Morgan
Wish we would see as much outrage on election day as we saw against the changes on Facebook.
There are just some countries that cannot live in a civilized society with any kind of rational governance. Why do we keep pouring trillions into these places?
It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know what conference your school is in?
Amazing the musical chairs games these universities are playing. It is all about the cash.
Congress. Please cut 15% of your spending immediately. That is what your citizens have had to do for the past 3 years. Yes. 15% across the board including social security and medicare. There is enough waste and fraud in these areas to well cover the reduction without any rightful recipient suffering.
Haven’t heard from Bubba and Earl in quite a while. Maybe they got hit by that falling satellite or maybe they are just at one of their lengthy beer summits.
I would certainly like to see all Americans pay their fair share of taxes – even the 50% that pay no taxes at all.
Everyone seems surprised that the market is crashing. Do you have any confidence in the economy or gummit leadership?
I do not wish any ill will on anybody, but I do wish some of our federal government leaders would eat more cantaloupes.
Charlie Sheen says that he really was losing just as its announcement that he is receiving a $25 million settlement? Go way please and take Lohan with you.
Dear Sears Part Dept. Sending me an e-mail telling me my part shipped two days after I received it is a fail. Fast shipping is a win.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Horses 9, 1 and 1 finish first on Sept. 11
ELMONT, N.Y., Sept. 13 (UPI) — The Belmont Park racetrack in New York state said the first three winners on the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks bore the numbers 9, 1 and 1.
The Elmont track, which served as a staging area for workers and emergency vehicles in the days following the attacks, said horses bearing the numbers were the first three winners Sunday, the New York Post reported Tuesday.
“The odds were probably about a million to one,” said David Jacobson, the trainer at Drawing Away Stable, which owns the first two winners from Sunday.
“It’s unimaginable. We were amazed.”
The pick-three result paid $18.60 for a $2 bet, the racetrack said.
The Most Patriotic Thing You Can Do: Bust your ass and get rich. Make a boatload of money. Pay your taxes. Lots .
Headlines
A $16 muffin? Justice Dept. audit finds ‘wasteful’ and extravagant spending
Really? In our national gummit?
Markets sink as Fed unveils stimulus plan
No more stimulation, please!
Ex-Giant: Fewell teaches how to fake injuries
Should have gotten a pro soccer player.
Last Meal -Brewer’s order of two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and a pound of barbecue with a half loaf of white bread
The ol’ boy went out fuller than a tick.
Redneck Joke of the Week
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it’s now $150.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Texas A&M vs Baylor
Racin’
Smoke smoked ‘em in rainy Chicago to start the Chase.
Loudon, New Hampshire this week. The picks:
Smoke
Newman
Truex, Jr.
Anybody but a Busch.
Ain’t True
OKLAHOMA CITY — Authorities are warning military families about a cruel hoax. The Oklahoma National Guard was notified about an alleged incident involving two people acting as military personnel.
They allegedly told a metro woman her husband had been killed in combat.
The National Guard tells us Tinker Air Force Base alerted them to the alleged incident.
Officials report the two people showed up at her home in Oklahoma City and wanted her to sign a few papers.
The woman contacted military officials and found out her husband was fine.
The Oklahoma National Guard is now warning all military personnel.
It has posted a warning on Face book.
It says in part:
“Notification of death or serious injury will always be made by a member of the same branch of theU.S. Armed Forcesas the service member. Notification officers will always be in a dress uniform and never in any type of field (camouflage) uniform. Notification officers will always present paperwork with information about the service member to include full name, date of birth, social security number and the names of family members that should be notified of the injury or death. If the family of a deployed service member believes they are the intended victim or victims of a hoax involving individuals claiming to be members of the U.S. Armed Forces, they should call the Oklahoma National Guard at (405) 228-5000 and report the incident.”
Hope they catch these low lifes. Hanging is too good for them.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Brooks & Dunn - Hillbilly Deluxe
Redneck Video of the Week:
In My Seat….
(this is long, but one of the most impactful videos I have seen. Watch it ‘til the end.)
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
True story and most people will never know it.
Here’s an interesting side bar. After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941, they could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California to finish what they started. The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River. Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships……all fighting the Germans. So, why did they not invade?
After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question. Their answer……they know that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them.
That’s why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.
Food for thought when next we consider gun control.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 19 – 7 .731
Season 59 – 15 .797
NC State loses to Cincy
Central Fla loses to BYU
Arkansas loses to Bama
Fla Atlantic loses to Auburn
Rice loses to Baylor
Tulsa loses to Boise State
Clemson loses to Fla State (Upset special of the week)
Tulane loses to Duke
UAB loses to E. Carolina
Kentucky loses to Florida
LA – Lafayette loses to Fla International
Ole Miss loses to Georgia
North Carolina loses to GA Tech
North Texas loses to Indiana
LA Monroe loses to Iowa
WVA loses to LSU
Temple loses to Maryland
Kansas State loses to Miami
Bowling Green loses to Miami (OH)
LA Tech loses to Miss State
Missouri loses to Oklahoma
Vandy loses to S. Carolina
UTEP loses to S. Fla
Memphis loses to SMU
Okla State loses to Texas A&M
Nevada loses to Texas Tech
Middle TN loses to Troy
So. Miss loses to VA
Marshall loses to VA Tech
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature. Socrates
If my call is so important to you, then why does it take 20 minutes for a customer service rep to take it?
$cam Newton had a great first day with the Panthers. Hope he can weather the pay cut to play for them.
Rumor is that the University of Miami – Ohio State game this week will not have a normal officiating crew. It will have a warden and prison guards.
People who preach tolerance are the most intolerant people I know.
Common sense is so uncommon.
Did something I have never done this week. I went to am exhibition at the Dallas Market Hall and went in the front door. I have been in that center at least 200 times, but always as an exhibitor. I didn’t even know where the front door was. Things are so different in retirement!
Another thing different. The kids are both traveling this weekend and I am at home. That was the other way for 30+ years.
The NFL is requiring more security measures for fans entering the stadiums. What about the felons on the field?
Interesting that the grocery stores are removing the self-scan lines “in order to provide more personable customer service.” They are doing it because of money! Too much was walking out the door unpaid.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
HOMEWOOD (WLS) – A south suburban woman died Thursday after apparently injecting heated beef fat into her face.
Janet Hardt, 63, of the 1000 block of W. 186th St. in Homewood, was pronounced dead at 6:25 p.m. at Advocate South Suburban Hospital in Hazel Crest, according to the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office.
An autopsy Friday determined Hardt died of peritonitis, a severe abdominal inflammation caused by a bacterial infection suffered from weakened walls in her colon, according to the medical examiner’s office.
Infections she suffered in her face from the injections did not lead to her death, which was ruled natural, according to the medical examiner’s office.
A source said shortly before Hardt died, she injected heated beef fat into her face around her mouth and chin, a procedure she had done before on several occasions.
Her face reportedly looked “grotesque’’ and the infections in her mouth and lip also had scarring from performing the injections “for some time.’’
The victim was reportedly “obsessed’’ with the process of performing self-injections and had developed her own “process,’’ according to a source. She would boil the beef herself, extract the fat and inject it into her face.
Hardt went to the hospital after complaining that her face felt like it was burning, according to the source.
She had previously undergone multiple facial surgeries, the source said. Her face had a “tight’’ appearance and was not very wrinkled.
Homewood spokeswoman Rachael Jones was not available to comment Friday afternoon.
STOCKS SLAMMED…Obama jobs package fails to lift spirits…
Stimulation just doesn’t work on us anymore.
Perry Slammed as He Calls Social Security a Ponzi Scheme
‘Bout time a poLIEtician told the truth.
Obama: My bill will create 1.9 million jobs
Wonder what the over/under is in Vegas? I will take the under.
Redneck Joke of the Week
(a little outdated, but still a great message)
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni(R) suit, Gucci(R) shoes, RayBan(R) sunglasses and YSL(R) tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell(R) notebook computer, connects it to
his Cingular R A ZR V3(R) cell phone, and surfs to a N A S A page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another N A S A satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in A
dobe Photoshop(R) and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany .Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot(R) that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL(R) database through an ODBC connected Excel(R) spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry(R) and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet(R) printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying
to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a
herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Daddy Watched Junior Again
Racin’
Ol’ Happy Harvick showed ‘em at Richmond. Now the Chase starts at Chicagoland Speedway.
The picks:
Jeff Gordan
Tony Stewart
David Reutimann
Anybody but a Busch
Redneck Song of the Week:
Ronnie Dunn – Bleed Red
Redneck Video of the Week:
Redneck Chauffer
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
The Green Thing…….
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”
The clerk responded, “that’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment.”
He was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana .
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets To power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 21 – 5 .808
Season 40 – 8 .833
Miss State loses to LSU
North Texas loses to Bama
Troy loses to Arkansas
Duke loses to Boston College
Wyoming loses to Bowling Green
Akron loses to Cincy
Auburn loses to Clemson
Tennessee loses to Florida
Kansas loses to GA Tech
LA Tech loses to Houston
Louisville loses to Kentucky
WVA loses to Maryland
Ole Miss loses to Vandy
VA loses to NC
Miami vs Ohio State – they are both losers
Fla State loses to Oklahoma
Tulsa loses to Okla State
Marshall loses to Ohio
Navy loses to S Carolina
Texas loses to UCLA (Upset Special of the Week)
Idaho loses to TX A&M
LA Monroe loses to TCU
New Mexico loses to TX Tech
Tulane loses to UAB
Fla International loses to Central Fla
Arkansas State loses to VA Tech
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Kin Hubbard
Bubba says that beer gets better with age. The older he gets, the better he likes it.
Notice how peaceful and calm it was when Congress and POTUS were away from Washington? They didn’t mess up anything either.
Earl just added $100 to the value of his truck. He filled it up with gas.
My theology does not support karma, but in a couple cases I hope I am wrong.
Happy to give a hand up, but hacked to give a hand out.
Happy wife = happy life. Therefore, the woman formerly known as Mrs. Redneck is now known as the wife of a retired redneck.
Presidential debates 14months from the election? Haven’t we all suffered enough already?
You know that you are going to have a bad day when Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel shows up in your area.
Ten years ago my hero died. The day we buried him America lost a bunch of heroes. Miss you Daddy!
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Drunk Moose Found in Tree
STOCKHOLM (AP) — A seemingly intoxicated moose has been discovered entangled in an apple tree by a stunned Swede.
Per Johansson says he heard a roar from his vacationing neighbor’s garden in southwestern Sweden late Tuesday and went to have a look. There, he found a female moose kicking about in the tree. The animal was likely drunk from eating fermented apples.
With the help of police and rescue services, the 45-year-old Johansson later managed to set the moose free in part by sawing off tree branches.
But the animal appeared confused and wandered into Johansson’s garden, where she was still resting Thursday.
Other neighbors in the Goteborg suburb Saro had seen the animal sneaking around the area for days. Johansson said the moose appeared to be sick, drunk or “half-stupid.”
Bubba had that happen to him once. He blamed Earl for overserving him and sticking him in the tree.
Low confidence in the economy or the poLIEticians ?
Obama, Bernanke speak; markets fall…
Y’all please shut up. Us retirees can’t stand for too much more talk.
Obama asks if GOP will ‘put country before party’
Pot calling the kettle black. We need a uniter not a divider.
Redneck Joke of the Week
The RedneckTruckers
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”
Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Racin’
The last race before the Chase. Richmond!
The picks:
Jeff Gordon
Denny Hamlin
Clint Bowyer
Anybody but a Busch
Ain’t True
CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Tennessee police said they got a shock on Saturday when they discovered a wild raccoon in the car of a Parkersburg man arrested for streaking at a NASCAR event.
Joshua Greene, 27, was naked when officers arrested him in a local subdivision in Bristol, Tenn., said Bristol Police Capt. Matt Austin.
Multiple witnesses called police after Greene went streaking through Pit Row Market, where concerts were being held for the weekend’s races, Austin said.
During the investigation, officers were surprised when they saw that Greene was keeping a live raccoon confined in the backseat of his car, Austin said.
“He had it in a large plastic tote with some holes in it so it could breathe,” he said. “I wouldn’t let officers open the tote until the Wildlife Agency got there to tell us what to do with it.”
The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency was called out to safely remove the wild animal.
Greene and his girlfriend found the raccoon in nearby Warriors’ Path State Park and chased it into their car, Austin said.
“They had in their minds, for their reasons, that they were rescuing it,” he said.
Police charged Greene with public intoxication and indecent exposure. The Wildlife Agency charged him with being in possession of a wild animal.
Greene was taken to the Sullivan County Jail $1,500 bail. He was released Sunday, a Circuit Court clerk said.
Ain’t true that this is how NASCAR fans act. Most of us don’t have wild raccoons in our backseats.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Rodney Atkins – It’s America
Redneck Video of the Week:
A Tribute to 9-11
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Interesting when it’s put into a prospective that people can understand,…
Why S&P downgraded the USA’s credit rating,…..
• U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
• Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
• New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
• National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
• Recent budget cuts: $38,500,000,000
Let’s remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s aHousehold Budget
• Annual family income: $21,700
• Money the family spent: $38,200
• New debt on the credit card: $16,500
• Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
• Total budget cuts: $385
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 19 – 3 .864
Season 19 – 3 .864
Arizona loses to Okla State
Fla International loses to Louisville
Penn State loses to Alabama
New Mexico loses to Arkansas
Memphis loses to Arkansas State
UAB loses to Florida
Middle Tenn loses to GA Tech
North Texas loses to Houston
Central Mich loses to Kentucky
Marshall loses to So. Miss
Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan State
Auburn loses to Miss State
W Ky loses to Navy
Rutgers loses to North Carolina
UTEP loses to SMU
Georgia loses to South Carolina
Ball State loses to So. Florida
TCU loses to Air Force (Upset Special of the Week)
Cincinnati loses to Tennessee
BYU loses to Texas
Tulane loses to Tulsa
UConn loses to Vanderbilt
Boston College loses to Central Fla
Indiana loses to Virginia
E Carolina loses to VA Tech
Wake Forest loses to NC State
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shattered steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.
America was targeted for attack because we’re the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining.
Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of America — with the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could
RetiredRedneck is back! It is mere coincidence that the blog went off the grid at the same time that the Redneck Special Forces were deployed to Pakistan the same time as Osama showed up missing. The real cover story..I mean real story is that we had a bit of a software problem and a busy summer celebrating Mrs. Redneck’s significant birthday. Glad to be back writin’!
Redneck Ramblins
Texas is hotter than heck and dryer than a Baptist preacher, trees are dying, the grass is brown, the lakes are drying up, foundations are cracking, wildfires are raging, but there are no mosquitoes!
All is right with the world. Dale Earnhardt Jr. signs a 5 year extension with Hendricks and Danica is coming to NASCAR and college football season starts!
Economists say the chance of a double dip recession is slim. Like an earthquake and hurricane hitting NYC in the same week? O crap!
Texas A&M is leaving the Big XII (actually only X, but who’s counting). The conference is getting closer to being the Big 8 again.
Rick Perry is running for President. That’s one way to get him out of Texas.
Obama tried to play some politics this week when he announced his jobs speech was to be on the same night as the GOP televised presidential debate. He then relented and scheduled it for the next night. Now he has really made people mad. That is the start of the NFL season. Guess he doesn’t want anybody to watch him.
The world is playing “Where in the World is Gaddafi”.
Sports team used to say that their trainers and medical staff were the most valuable in getting their players back on the field. Now it is the lawyers.
Customer service, common sense, and compromise have left the building. Maybe Elvis took em.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
(Reuters) – A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.
Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.
“He actually impaled himself with the butter knife,” Lorenz said. “He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn’t want to wait any longer for the medical procedure.”
Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. “I don’t know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything,” he said.
Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.
The hospital was expected to perform the surgery to fix his hernia, Lorenz said.
Bet this same guy tried self brain surgery with his drill last week.
Headlines
Productivity Tumbles
Of course it did. Everybody is drafting their fantasy football teams.
Powell & Rice Fire Back at Cheney Memoir
Why should the truth matter when you are trying to sell books.
Congress Approval Rate Less Than 12%
Didn’t realize they had that many family members and staff.
ECONOMY POLL: 2 OF 3 AMERICANS BLAME PRESIDENT…
Didn’t realize Obama had that many family members and staff.
Tweet of the Week
Understand that Azinger is a professional golfer. Golf is his business. ESPN later reprimanded Azinger and told him to lay off Obama.
Redneck Joke of the Week
If Men *really* Ran The World
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.
5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.
9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words…”Ally McNaked”.
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”.
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
Redneck Picture of the Week
Racin’
Hotlanta this week. Only two races until the Chase begins.
The picks:
Kenseth
Johnson
Edwards
Anybody but a Busch
Ain’t True
FOLSOM, Calif. — Most inmates are trying to get out of prison, but authorities say they caught a California parolee trying to sneak back in.
Corrections Sgt. Tony Quinn says 48-year-old Marvin Lane Ussery was spotted late Wednesday night scaling the 7-foot tall, barbed wire-topped fence that encircles a large wooded area behind the California State Prison in Sacramento.
Quinn says Ussery served time at New Folsom for robbery before he was paroled in June 2009.
Officials are investigating whether Ussery was attempting to smuggle in drugs or cell phones, but say they haven’t found any contraband. Ain’t true he was smugglin’. Life is harder on the outside.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Zac Brown Band performs “Chicken Fried” at the Grand Ole Opry
Redneck Video of the Week:
Redneck Tooth Pullin’
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
A family has a gross annual income of $ 50,000
It spends $ 75,000 per year
It has $ 100,000 in credit card debt
It realizes it has a financial problem.
It had planned to spend $ 77,000 next year
It cut spending to $ 72,000
Then they called the credit card company to raise its credit line.
Crazy you say?
Congress just did that for our country, but the numbers are way bigger.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Western KY loses to Kentucky
Memphis loses to Miss State
Wake Forest loses to Syracuse
Baylor loses to TCU
Kent State loses to Alabama
Utah State loses to Auburn
Georgia loses to Boise State
Ole Miss loses to BYU
Troy loses to Clemson
Fla Atlantic loses to Florida
LA – Monroe loses to Florida State
UCLA loses to Houston
So. Florida loses to Notre Dame
Tulsa loses to Oklahoma
LA – Lafayette loses to Oklahoma State
Oregon loses to LSU (Upset Special of the Week)
Middle Tenn loses to Purdue
LA Tech loses to So. Miss
Rice loses to Texas
SMU loses to Texas A&M
Marshall loses to West VA
Maryland loses to Miami
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt
There should be open season on looters. Shoot first and ask questions later.
Osama bin Laden woke up dead this morning!
This is a victory for America, not for a particular political party. “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”
“the U.S. special forces who stormed the compound came face to face with their prey” – best news I have heard in a long time
May just be a coincidence but Bubba, Earl, and a few of their friends just got back from a “trip out East”. They have always believed that Osama was solely responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
One reason that they buried Osama at sea was the concern over future floods. If they buried him on land, there would be excessive flooding in the area due to everyone peeing on his grave.
Did you hear about the new drink called the OBL – two shots and a splash of water.
Starbucks is releasing a Limited Edition coffee today… The ‘Bin Latte’ -A Dark bodied, frothy head with 2 shots in it.
After Saturday night’s dust up, NASCAR should hold a cage match for Harvick vs Kyle Busch. Delana would kick Kyle’s butt.
Bin Laden and the Lakers ended up the same – dead in the water.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
God’s Gift to St. Johns
Junior college power forward God’s Gift Achiuwa, one of the top players remaining in this year’s recruiting class, committed to St. John’s University Thursday.
Achiuwa, at 6-foot-8, 235 pounds, plays for Erie Community College in Buffalo, N.Y., and was also considering Washington and Cincinnati.
“Gift is a talented frontline player who possesses tremendous size, strength, speed and skill. He is an ideal fit for our baseline-to-baseline attacking style of play,” St. John’s coach Steve Lavin said.
It is a key commitment for the Red Storm, which has one of the nation’s best recruiting classes heading to the Queens campus for next season. Achiuwa, who averaged 22.3 points, 11.7 rebounds and 2.2 blocks this season, adds size to the super-talented group.
As for the attention-grabbing name, it was chosen by Achiuwa’s father, a minister in Nigeria.
“His name is the first thing that anyone asks about when they meet him,” Erie coach Alex Nwora told Yahoo! Sports last summer. “Everyone thought it was a nickname or something, but that’s his real name. Fortunately, he’s a religious kid, so he likes it.”
Achiuwa has an older brother named Promise and younger brothers named God’s Will and Precious, along with sisters Grace and Peace, SNY-TV reported.
The death of Bin Laden will not change the world. There is only one man’s death who has changed the world forever. Jesus.
Headlines
Trump Leads GOP Polls
Shame on the Republicans for not having a better candidate.
Obama promises help to rebuild tornado-hit South
Hope he comes through on this promise better than his other million promises.
TX Gov. Perry: Why is Obama Helping AL and Not Texas?
It’s called politics, son!
Charlie Sheen tours tornado damage in Alabama
One disaster looking at another.
Trump: I’ve Decided to Run
Please run far away and keep running.
Donald Trump announces he has decided not to run for president
Hair today – gone tomorrow.
Redneck Joke of the Week
A very successful attorney was parking his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues, when, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.
A police car quickly arrived at the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions , the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are, ” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied , “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”
“OH , MY GOSH!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!!”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
When W was President and gas prices rose above $4.00 per gallon, it was all his fault and he and Cheney were lining the pockets of their gas and oil buddies.
Ain’t true when Obama is President according to the liberals………watch this:
Redneck Song of the Week:
Justin Moore – “If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away”
Redneck Video of the Week:
Vance AFB JSUPT
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.” I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“When justice has been done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to the evildoers” Proverbs 21:15
Prayers are with those in the Great State of Alabama and the rest of the beloved Southland. The South will rise again! Proud, hard workin’ people will not let these storms keep them down.
Bubba and Earl were sittin’ around waiting for their invitations to the royal wedding tryin’ to come up with ways the poLIEticians are so much more special than the rest of us. So far they haven’t come up with anything yet, but it has only been three weeks.
Combined annual revenue for all OPEC nations is estimated at $1 trillion. US national debt is over $14 trillion. Skeered yet?
Obama finally showed his birth certificate. Why didn’t he just show it 3 years ago?
Bubba and Earl heard that what we worry about usually doesn’t happen so they is really worryin’ about the reelection of Obama and Congress.
I would not get up at 3 am for any wedding. Sorry, Mrs. Redneck, but I wouldn’t get up that early for my own wedding.
Hope I’m wrong, but I think Cam Newton is still gonna be trouble.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
NASCAR fan celebrates her 100th birthday by putting pedal to the metal at New Hampshire Motor Speedway
Rachel Gilbert has always been a race fan, having watched races at Bryar Motorsports Park – now the site of New Hampshire Motor Speedway – as long ago as the early 1960s.
She’s attended the Daytona 500.
And now she can say she’s driven a pace car around New Hampshire’s 1.058-mile oval. In celebration of her 100th birthday.
“That was such a surprise,” Gilbert said in a news release following her “hot” laps. “I had such a great teacher; I loved it.”
Jerry Gappens, executive vice president and general manager of NHMS, called Gilbert “a true pace setter.
“We wanted to take the opportunity and celebrate this special occasion with her and her family,” he said.
Gilbert, who reportedly hadn’t driven a car in nearly five years, told WBZ NewsRadio that her goal was to reach 100 mph. She admitted she came up just a bit short.
“I wish I could have … but I went up to 53 or 54 [mph] I think it was,” she said.
Besides the opportunity to drive the pace car on Tuesday, Gilbert and family members will receive suite passes for the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Lenox Industrial Tools 301, scheduled for July 17. She will attend the prerace drivers’ meeting as well.
Among the other assorted gifts she received from the speedway was an autographed crew shirt from her favorite driver, Roush Fenway Racing’s Carl Edwards.
“My mom has always been a major race fan,” daughter Marie Anne Mills said. “She doesn’t miss a race on TV.”
S&P downgraded US debt rating. Unfortunately, the Pres and Congress only focus is on reelection in 2012 not making the hard choices to fix the deficit.
Lohan gets jail time for probation violation
She is going back to jail? Who saw that coming?
Obama, hoping to end ’sideshow,’ offers birth form
If he wanted to end ‘sideshow’ he should have produced it 3 years ago. Now people are wondering did it take him that long to fake it.
Police: drunk New York man drove motorcycle more than 130 mph
No duh. You would have to be drunk to go that fast on a motorcycle.
Redneck Joke of the Week
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “One.”
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$121,237.65.”
The boss says “$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Racin’
After the Easter weekend off, the Good Ol’ Boys do some Saturday night racin’ at Richmond – the short track that thinks it is a super speedway.
The picks:
Kyle Busch (tryin’ to jinx him)
Denny “Homeboy” Hamlin
Clint Bowyer
Ain’t True
Termites eat millions of Indian rupees in bank
LUCKNOW, India — It was an all you can eat buffet at the bank.
An army of termites munched through 10 million rupees ($222,000) in currency notes stored in a steel chest at a bank, police in northern India said Friday.
The bank manager discovered the damage when he opened the reinforced room in an old bank building on Wednesday, police officer Navneet Rana told The Associated Press.
“It’s a matter of investigation how termites attacked bundles of currency notes stacked in a steel chest,” he said. The money was put in the chest in January.
The termites had damaged bank furniture and documents in the past.
The police have registered a case of negligence against bank officials in Barabanki, a town 20 miles (30 kilometers) southwest of Lucknow, the Uttar Pradesh state capital. In India, police register a case before opening an investigation.
Ain’t true that these termites can eat through money faster than Congress.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Song of the South – Alabama
Redneck Video of the Week:
The South Rocks! (Redneck Reality TV Show)
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
BRANDON, MISSISSIPPI HANDLES WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH AT MARINES FUNERAL.
Congratulations to Brandon Mississippi and all the people who saluted Staff Sgt Jason Rogers, a Marine at his funeral. The Westboro Baptist Church out of Topeka Kansas was going to protest at SSgt Rogers funeral but the Mississippians took care of that. Apparently a few days before the funeral a member of the Westboro Baptist Church was at a Brandon gas station running his mouth. He got his butt kicked. Despite a large crowd in the area no one remembers seeing anything.
On the day of the funeral Rankin County pickup trucks parked directly behind any Kansas licensed cars in the motels. Mysteriously the drivers disappeared until after the funeral was over. Some of the Kansas drivers called the Police but sadly all the wreckers in town were busy so that the pickups couldn’t be towed.
A few of the Westboro Baptist Church members made it to the funeral but were ushered away for questioning about a crime they might have been involved with. They were questioned for a couple of hours and let go.
There is a video shot from the camera in a police car of the people along the funeral route. There are literally thousands of people with their hands over their hearts, American flags, firemen, flags on hook n ladders saluting SSG Rogers. A fitting tribute to a fallen Marine. Semper Fi
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
Bubba and Earl like to sleep. They are going to interview for jobs as air traffic controllers.
ABC cancelled two long running soap operas this week. Now the people that watched them will have to get a life.
How appropriate that National Stress Awareness Day falls on the same day as Tax Day.
Wouldn’t mind paying taxes so much if I didn’t know how much is wasted.
I can certainly identify with the McIlroy collapse in the final round of the Masters with the exception that I wish I could shoot an 80 at Augusta.
This week is Holy week. The resurrection made all the difference.
Barry Bonds was convicted on one count, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t guilty on all accounts. What a waste of talent.
Do you believe the poLIEticians and their proposed budget cuts? I didn’t think so.
Been a year since the BP oil spill in the Gulf. Satisfied that BP took care of everything or you believing their TV ads?
God bless America and our troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Georgia lemonade stand fundraiser for sick child robbed by two adults
Teenagers running a Georgia lemonade stand to raise money for a two-year-old’s medical bills were robbed by two adults.
TV station WXIA reports that 13-year-old Chelsea Edwards and two of her friends were selling lemonade Saturday to raise money for Logan Varnadoe’s medical bills and an upcoming hospital trip when a man and a woman ran up and snatched a jar containing $150.
20-year-old Gage Turner took off in a car, leaving 21-year-old Amber Umbarger behind. She was arrested on three counts of robbery by sudden snatching.
Turner was later found by police after someone reported seeing a man knocking on people’s door. He was found in a vacant apartment nearby. There was no word on whether Turner faces the same charges as Umbarger.
Varnadoe was born with a third of the normal amount of brain matter. He has had hernias and gastro-intestinal problems and his family was raising money to fund an upcoming trip to a children’s hospital in Ohio that would give him treatment that’s no longer available in the state of Georgia.
The sheriff’s office covering the case was moved by the fundraising effort and have been collecting donations to give to the family.
If any readers would like to donate to Logan’s fund, they can do so through his site on everribbon.com.
Tweet of the Week
RyanMcGeeESPN Ryan McGee
RT @espn4d Today’s feel-good story: guys arrested for robbing UGA football locker room were recruits from Columbus, Ga., on a visit. Lovely.
Georgia will probably sign them anyway.
Headlines
What Bridge Near You is Ready to Fail?
The bridge over troubled water?
Obama Unplugged: ‘You Think We’re Stupid?’
They are beyond thinking and are now more into knowing.
America’s Top Liars
Newsweek talks about Bonds, Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, but do not mention a thang about the poLIEticians.
How to Catch a Liar
Let’s see. You could use a bunch of pork or you could use a stack of votes to catch the poLIEticians.
Redneck Joke of the Week
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper
sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to
Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
MWR featured the NCAA Football National Champions on their cars
at Talladega the last two years. Last year Alabama and this year Auburn.
Racin’
Texas race was won by Matt “The Brat” Kenseth. At least it wasn’t a Busch.
Dega is next with its Noah’s Ark (2 by 2) plate racin’. Don’t necessarily like it, but it is what it is.
The picks:
Carl Edwards
Jeff Gordon
Anybody but a Busch
Ain’t True
Lady Liberty stamp shows wrong statue
WASHINGTON (AP) — Just as the post office was hoping to promote going green, it finds itself red-faced.
It turns out that a first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty is based on a photo of a Las Vegas replica of the statue.
Postal Service spokesman Roy Betts said 3 billion stamps have been printed and they won’t be pulled from the market. The 44-cent forever stamp has been on sale in coils since December and is to be released in booklet form.
The actual Statue of Liberty has appeared on more than 20 stamps previously, Betts said.
The mistake, first reported by Linn’s Stamp News, comes to light just as the Postal Service is issuing a new set of stamps urging protection of the environment by going green. Those stamps promote actions such as composting, saving water, recycling and planting trees.
In its news release in December announcing the stamp, the Postal Service said the Statue of Liberty was shown in a close-up photograph of her head and crown.
Post office press materials referring to the stamp have now been changed to say: “Raimund Linke’s close-up photograph of the Lady Liberty replica at the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada appears on the stamp art. The original Statue of Liberty stands on Liberty Island in New York Harbor.”
Linn’s, a weekly magazine for stamp collectors, noted that the stamp shows a rectangular patch on the crown of the statue. But the patch doesn’t appear on the actual statue.
In addition, the magazine said, the eyes, eyelids and eyebrows on the replica appeared more sharply defined than on the original statue and the hair was different.
Ain’t true that the United States Postal Service can get anything right.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Brad Paisley – Old Alabama
Redneck Video of the Week:
Good to See Dale Jr Having Fun Again
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Senior Texting Code
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you(or forward to those that do).
Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”
Ain’t True
