I asked Mrs. Redneck what to make for supper since it was 18 degrees outside. She said to make it chilly. So I opened the door. What? We have a communication problem?
Bet that Clay Matthew’s snub as defensive player of the year in the NFL motivates this Packer in the Super Bowl. He will play with a rabid animal mentality.
10, 2, and 4. Most of our most experienced citizens remember these as times for Dr Pepper. Now we think they are times for naps.
Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early spring. Bring it on, but don’t get your hopes up. That dang varmint is rarely right.
While y’all are watching the Super Bowl, please note that it is in ARLINGTON, TX no matter what the talking heads on TV say. Arlington citizens’ tax dollars helped build JerryWorld – not Dallas, who wanted nothing to do with the project.
For all you yankee journalist hatin’ on DFW’s preparedness for extreme winter weather, you should have been here last week when it was 80. But then you would’ve probably been hatin’ on us for the heat.
Fact is Texas deployed all of its snowplows to the area – all 74 of them. We don’t invest in somethin’ that we would use maybe once every twenty years. We rely on a higher power for snow/ice removal. God put it here and God will take it away, eventually.
Cowboy Stadium costs $1.3 billion and is the largest domed stadium in the world and still it is not big enough to hold Jerry Jones’ ego.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Bill would require all S.D. citizens to buy a gun
Five South Dakota lawmakers have introduced legislation that would require any adult 21 or older to buy a firearm “sufficient to provide for their ordinary self-defense.”
The bill, which would take effect Jan. 1, 2012, would give people six months to acquire a firearm after turning 21. The provision does not apply to people who are barred from owning a firearm.
Nor does the measure specify what type of firearm. Instead, residents would pick one “suitable to their temperament, physical capacity, and preference.”
The measure is known as an act “to provide for an individual mandate to adult citizens to provide for the self defense of themselves and others.”
Rep. Hal Wick, R-Sioux Falls, is sponsoring the bill and knows it will be killed. But he said he is introducing it to prove a point that the federal health care reform mandate passed last year is unconstitutional.
“Do I or the other cosponsors believe that the State of South Dakota can require citizens to buy firearms? Of course not. But at the same time, we do not believe the federal government can order every citizen to buy health insurance,” he said.
Headlines
Comcast officially takes control of NBC Universal
Does that mean that your favorite TV show will now air sometime between 6 and midnight?
US orders non-essential personnel to leave Egypt
Does that include network news anchors?
Mubarak says he will not run again
Wonder if he can teach that to our poLIEticians?
Violence in Cairo troubles Mubarak
Troubles the rest of us in the world, too.
Redneck Joke of the Week
The Department of Labor claimed a small Rancher just outside of Cut and Shoot, Texas was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. Gov’t agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Rancher: Well, there’s my first hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with the wife occasionally.
Gov’t agent: That’s the guy I want to talk to…the mentally challenged one.
Rancher: That would be me.
Redneck Picture of the Week
No Worries Being Ready for the Super Bowl
DFW Has Called in Reenforcements to Clear the Snow
Ain’t True
Ain’t true that anybody changed the zodiac signs. Relax! Your horoscope will be wrong as usual.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Lady Antebellum “Never Alone”
Redneck Video of the Week:
Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG does a barrel roll inside a tunnel
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
National Debt
Per Capita Share of US National Debt 2011 $ 46.000 approx
Per Capita Income $ 25,000 approx
This means that if the IRS took 100% of the US income in taxes for almost 2 years, we might be able to payoff the national debt. That assumes that Congress wouldn’t increase the national debt for the next two years.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Steelers lose to Green Bay
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
In case you’re worried about what’s going to become of the younger generation, it’s going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation. - Roger Allen
Found it interesting that the acronym for “Winning the Future” is WTF.
Watched the entire State of the Union. Lots of talk about reducing the budget and deficit and lots of talk about spending lots elsewhere. Lots of rhetoric about working together. Talk is cheap and easy. Execution is where it’s at.
Less than a month until the Daytona 500. Have been suffering from RDD (Racin’ Deficit Disorder).
Packers vs Steelers. Can’t wait for the hype to be over.
Good to see that the Packers beat the Bears. Now Obama will have to stay in DC and not come to the Super Bowl. It is gonna be crazy enough around here that week without having to mess with the President’s presense.
Taco Bell was slapped with a suit over its “beef”. Wait until the lawyers find what is on top of pizza
Bubba lost 2 lbs. yesterday. He set down his 32 oz. beer and couldn’t find it.
Remembering the words “Roger. Go at throttle up” this week. Can’t believe that it was 25 years ago.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Lego-lover Builds Replica Of Ohio State Stadium
Lego Replica Of Ohio State’s Horseshoe-shaped Football Stadium Took 1 Million Pieces, 2 Years
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – A Columbus-area man has created a Lego replica of Ohio State’s horseshoe-shaped football stadium, complete with a decorated archway and scoreboard made of the small blocks.
Paul Janssen used about a million Lego pieces to build the 8-foot-by-6-foot model, which has room for 6,000 Lego people.
The 42-year-old Ohio State researcher tells The Columbus Dispatch it was a challenge to create the rounded model out of the mostly rectangular blocks that fill his basement in stacked containers.
It took about 1,000 hours over two years. He studied the stadium, bought or traded for pieces and improvised, such as making pipes for the restrooms out of chrome parts from a Lego truck.
Now he’s talking about adding a BCS or Heisman trophy to the display.
And he built the stadium without public funding!
Headlines
SNOWIEST JAN IN NYC HISTORY!
Must be Sarah Palin’s fault. She has been blamed for everything else.
White House to Push for Gun Control…
Wow! Who saw that coming?
China Has Major Concerns Over U.S. Dollar
So do I………..
Obama to Egypt’s Mubarak: Make Good on Your Word
Practice what you preach.
Redneck Joke of the Week
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS , and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day…
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, ”Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news . The mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied, ”Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, ”Can’t do that. I went and spent it already..”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We sure can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said,”My word, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, ”Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
Baseball Player Quits, Says “I Don’t Deserve $12M”
Royals starter Gil Meche walks away from a guaranteed contract
Okay, Gil Meche hasn’t been great since signing a big contract with the Kansas City Royals. But not many players would feel so badly about their performance that they would walk away from a guaranteed $12 million.
Meche announced last week he will retire, giving up the payday due on the last year of his deal. Meche has always been known for his integrity, according to The New York Times, but this move left the baseball world stunned. Meche said he just didn’t like the idea of not earning his keep.
“When I signed my contract, my main goal was to earn it,” Meche told the paper from his temporary home in Lafayette, La. “Once I started to realize I wasn’t earning my money, I felt bad. I was making a crazy amount of money for not even pitching. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I didn’t want to have those feelings again.”
Meche made more than $50 million playing baseball, with most coming in the five-year, $55 million deal he signed with the Royals when he left Seattle in 2007.
“This isn’t about being a hero — that’s not even close to what it’s about,” Meche said. “It’s just me getting back to a point in my life where I’m comfortable. Making that amount of money from a team that’s already given me over $40 million for my life and for my kids, it just wasn’t the right thing to do.”
Meche, who is just 32, posted an 0-5 record last season with a 5.69 ERA. In his four years with the Royals, he won 29 games and lost 39.
He said he has no regrets and is now looking for a new home in the area where he grew up.
“I want to get back to what I remember as a kid, the way of life here in Louisiana,” Meche said. “We tend to think we live a little differently down here. It’s a lot of culture, a lot of French culture. Everywhere I’ve been in the country, for some reason, this is the place I can’t get away from.”
Ain’t true that all pro athletes are greedy, egotistical prima donnas.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Redneck Side by Justin Moore
Redneck Video of the Week:
The 7 Most Effective Ways to Quit Golf by Will Robins
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Atlanta, GA
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.
Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turnaround and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House.” except that in Cobb County, where all directions begin with, “Go to the Big Chicken.”
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.
Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke’s all they drink there so don’t ask for any other soft drink unless it’s made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it’s still called Coke.
The gates at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm. (Don’t forget the lunch time rush hour!)
Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.
Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is ” pawntz duh LEE-awn.”
And yes, they have a street named simply, “Boulevard.”
The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.
I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta which has a posted speed limit of 55 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as “The Watermelon 500.”
Don’t believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked “East” and “West” but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the “Inner Loop” and the “Outer Loop.”
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites. If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.
It’s not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy.
“Fixinto” is one word (I’m fixinto go to the store) – also can be pronounced “Fixinta”.
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re 2 years old.
“Jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
“How’s Momma-nem” means: “How’s Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing?”
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Football is an honest game. It’s true to life. It’s a game about sharing. Football is a team game. So is life.”
Wow. Scam Newton is leaving Auburn for the NFL. Didn’t think he could afford the pay cut.
And with Fairley also leaving, Auburn will be way under the salary cap and can go recruit some more awesome talent.
Y’all heard of the big bird kills in Arkansas and Louisiana around New Year’s Day. There were other bird kills that you may have missed – 53 Eagles dead in Philly, 53 Falcons dead in Atlanta, 53 Ravens dead in Baltimore, 53 Seahawks dead in Seattle. There are no birds left in the NFL.
Dear Pro Athletes: You are setting an example for our younger players. Your bad sportsmanship is deplorable. Shape up!
Welcome to the club. The following announced their retirement this week:
Regis Philbin
Joe Lieberman
Brett Farve
Kay Bailey Hutchinson
I sure wish the Girl Scouts would quit selling their cookies in single serving boxes.
Bubba went by the gym the other day. He says the parking lot was full as he drove by.
You know how stores have very convenient parking spaces “Reserved for Employee of the Month”. First, these should be reserved for Customers of the Month, but every time I am at these stores the employees of the month are never working.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Bundesliga side ban strippers at games
HAMBURG, Germany (AFP) – Top German football club St Pauli has shown the red card to strippers performing inside a corporate box owned by one of Hamburg’s many lap dance clubs — but they can dance once matches are over.
The Susis Show Bar on Hamburg’s main red-light drag, the Reeperbahn, has installed a large mirror and a pole in their box for their strippers to dance for guests invited to watch Bundesliga games.
But the club has blown the whistle to the idea guests in the box can watch football while the strippers perform, and say the women can only dance after the 90 minutes of action on the pitch is over.
St Pauli bosses acted after fans complained about the image of the club, which has something of a cult following and whose supporters are staunch anti-fascists, being tarnished.
“We had a discussion with the owner of the box and made it clear there can not be dances during the matches,” St Pauli president Stefan Orth told German daily Bild.
“There can be performances after the matches, there can be dances, but they must not end up nude.
“If they dance just once naked, they will be out of here!”
Prices for a box at St Pauli’s 24,850-capacity Millerntor Stadium start at 65,000 euros (87,500 dollars).
St Pauli has never been afraid of ground-breaking initiatives and are the first football club in the world to install a kindergarten so children of fans can be looked after at the club while their parents cheer their team.
St Pauli are 15th in the Bundesliga after winning promotion last season.
Hope this doesn’t happen in the NFL. If they ban the cheerleaders, it wouldn’t be worth watching.
Headlines
OBAMA PLANS BILLION-DOLLAR REELECTION CAMPAIGN…
Man knows how to spend the money.
Brett Favre files retirement papers
Don’t get too excited. He filed these same papers in 2008, 2009, and 2010 only to ask for reinstatement.
Cheney says he may have to have heart transplant
This is a complete shock to the Liberals who thought that he didn’t even have a heart.
Funeral homes find new life by hosting other events
We are having a party to die for!
Redneck Joke of the Week
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink
So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal, Jim Bob, took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he
asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my
pappy, his pappy, and his pappy before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, “Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in January
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb-butt!”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
Fox shoots man
(Reuters) – A wounded fox shot its would be killer in Belarus by pulling the trigger on the hunter’s gun as the pair scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle, media said Thursday.
The unnamed hunter, who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance, was in hospital with a leg wound, while the fox made its escape, media said, citing prosecutors from the Grodno region.
“The animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw,” one prosecutor was quoted as saying.
Fox-hunting is popular in the picturesque farming region of northwestern Belarus which borders Poland.
Ain’t true that huntin’ is so much fun when the game shoots back at the hunter.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Rodney Atkins – Watching You
Redneck Video of the Week:
This is Sportsmanship!
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Are You a True Southerner? (Afew things every true Southerner knows)
Who “they” were… is “why” we are
Every true Southerner knows the difference between a conniption fit and a hissie fit and that both are “pitched” not just “had”
Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a platter of hot crispy fried chicken, homemade buttermilk biscuits and a big bowl of cold potato salad.
(If the neighbor’s trouble is of an extreme crisis, they are also known to add a tall thin layer chocolate cake and hopefully a large banana puddin’!)
A true Southerner always has a pretty good estimate of how many fish, turnip greens, collard greens or butter beans it takes to make a good mess, just like they know…
What the general direction of cattywumpus is
That “gimme sugar” applies to everyone from toddlers to the revered elderly and it does NOT mean pass the sugar bowl from the middle of the kitchen table
That if someone’s “fixin” to do something, they surely will
The distinct difference between Yankees and Damn Yankees!
A good family dog is worth his weight in pure gold
A “right fer piece” is way over “yonder”
That a “redneck” has a will of iron and a solid gold heart
You can’t buy real gravy from a store
You don’t shop with shopping carts; you put your groceries in buggies
Tea is served SWEET and COLD from a tall glass that is refilled FREELY until you’ve had your fill
Coffee can be served before the meal, during the meal and after the meal from a bottomless cup with ample cream and sugar if desired.
“Y’all” means ALL of you all and requires no addition of an ” S ” as it is plural already. ONE is NEVER called ” Y’all “
A true Southener knows how good an ice cold Pepsi and a Lance nab are and where they come from!
Rocking chairs on front porches and bench swings in the back yard are guaranteed stress relievers
An elderly person in either of them is a valued history lesson
Being called “dahlin” is not reserved for romance but always expresses tenderness. You do NOT however wish to be called “dahl”
Southern Belles are also Steel Magnolias and are always held in the highest esteem
Homemaking skills are an acquired art studied and refined as they pass from grandmother, to mother, to daughter
and finally…
God loves everyone, even the Yankees
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than a hundred teaching it.”
Bubba made a New Year’s resolution to not drink any more. Of course he isn’t gonna drink any less either.
Senseless act in Tucson.
Now even more senseless blaming.
If we truly want to be a unified country, we have got to start respecting each other.
Earl says that he is 46 weeks ahead of everybody in putting up his Christmas decorations for this year.
Congrats to Auburn on their 2nd National Championship. Great State of Alabama now has back-to-back champs. Tide will make it a 3-peat next season.
Would love to see the game between TCU & Auburn.
Capital One Bowl week is finally over. Started December 18th and ended January 10th. Amazing 35 bowls with 70 teams. Way too many even for a diehard college football fan.
Yankees don’t understand why we Southerners have so much trouble with snow and ice. We don’t have snowplows or salt trucks. Heck, we don’t even have snow shovels. We don’t invest in something we would use once every ten years or so. God put it here and he will take it away – eventually.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Minn. baby girl born at 1:11 a.m. on 1/11/2011
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — It’s one for the record books. A lot of ones, that is.
A Minnesota woman gave birth at exactly 1:11 a.m. on Tuesday – Jan. 11, 2011.
That’s 1-11-2011.
Amy Zeller and Codjo Mensah of Eagan welcomed their daughter, Flora Mensah, at United Hospital in St. Paul.
Zeller tells KARE-TV that they were watching the clock click down and the baby was born at exactly the right moment.
Both baby and mother are doing well.
Should be easy for that kid to remember her birthday.
Headlines
Judge sentences Tom DeLay to 3 years in prison
One poLIEtician down, a bunch to go.
Auburn tips Ducks for BCS title
Hope they get to keep it and don’t have to give it back due to sCam Newton mess.
Chevy Volt wins car of the year
Shocking!
Billion$ for Haiti — but No Idea How It’s Spent?
Just like America’s Katrina, stimulus, and bail-out packages.
Obama might soon form re-election campaign
When has he quit campaigning from last time?
Redneck Joke of the Week
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff ’s Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps
Sincerely,
Cooter Bob
Redneck Picture of the Week
Winter Sports Redneck Style
Ain’t True
Okla. boy rescued after tongue gets stuck on pole
WOODWARD, Okla. (AP) — In a scene straight from the movie “A Christmas Story,” an 8-year-old Oklahoma boy got his tongue stuck to a metal pole after he licked it on a dare.
Officials say when rescue crews arrived Tuesday morning, the boy was standing on his tiptoes, trying to wriggle his frozen tongue free from a stop sign pole across the street from Woodward Middle School.
Paramedics were able to help the boy by pouring water on his tongue. Once free, the boy told officials he got stuck after his brother dared him to lick the pole.
The boy was taken to a Woodward hospital for treatment.
The scene was similar to one in “A Christmas Story,” a 1983 movie adapted from Jean Shepard’s memoir of a boy in the 1940s.
Ain’t true that you can back down from a double dogged dare.
Redneck Song of the Week:
“I’m Movin’ On” – Rascal Flatts
Redneck Video of the Week:
Passing the Gavel
The Video You Didn’t See on CNN
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
How to catch snapping turtles with bare hands.
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. “ -Dennis Miller
The NFL regular season has come to an end. Let the firings begin!
Stepped on the scale this morning. What the heck happened here?
RetiredRedneck.com had record traffic in December and for the whole year of 2010. Thanks, y’all.
Looks like a rough year ahead. Oil and other commodities on the rise. If they continue, we will definitely have another recession. Check history.
January 1st started a new political season. Let the games begin!
His friends are saying that Farve is serious about retirement this time. We will see when August rolls around.
I wish my mind would stop writing checks that my body can’t cash
Former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, sounds so good.
Obama praised the economic turnaround and the stock market went down. Please shut up Mr. President.
God bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Illinois couple have 1 twin in 2010, other in 2011
ROCKFORD, Ill. (AP) — A Machesney Park couple welcomed a daughter in the last minutes of 2010 and a twin son in the first minutes of 2011.
The Rockford Register Star reports that Brandon Lewis and Ashley Fansler had baby girl Madisen Carin Lewis at 11:59 a.m. Friday at Rockford Memorial Hospital. Baby son Aiden Everette Lewis was born a minute later, at 12 a.m. on Saturday, New Year’s Day.
The newspaper reports Fansler wasn’t due until the end of January but doctors scheduled a cesarean section for Friday evening to avoid complications.
Father Brandon Lewis says one of the doctors was counting the minutes down before the births. Lewis says it was “definitely the best” New Year’s countdown he’s had.
Headlines
What should Obama say in State of the Union?
Start out with an apology to the American people. He has apologized to everybody else in the world. Then set out an agenda that is for the benefit of all Americans. Do what is right. Don’t lie and don’t campaign. This isn’t an election anymore.
Jerry Brown inaugurated as California’s 39th governor
Gov. Moonbeam is back in the house!
No seat belts in 42% of fatal police crashes
Everyone killed in a crash that was not wearing a seatbelt should be terminated. No exceptions.
Elizabeth Edwards leaves out husband in will
Raise your hand if you saw that coming.
Redneck Joke of the Week
An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time saw a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, “You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!”
The Outsider assured Her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked Her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, “See, it says right here, `The three wise men came from afar.`”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Different Breeds of Dawgs
Ain’t True
No, officer, I stole more than that…
CHATHAM, Ontario, Jan. 3 (UPI) — A Canadian police force has described its dumbest crook of 2010 — a man who called to complain they hadn’t publicized enough of what he stole.
The Chatham-Kent Police Services in southwestern Ontario said there was a home break-in last year and they appealed for the public’s help in identifying the thief, the QMI Agency reported.
After the media published the police appeal, Constable Michael Pearce said he reported to work and found a voicemail from a man who was upset the report wasn’t detailed enough, the report said.
The unidentified man went on to say he hadn’t done the robbery by himself and named two of his friends who helped, the officer said.
“He provided a recorded confession, hurting all of their chances at trial,” Pearce said.
The force gave an honorable mention “dumb crook” to a 17-year-old who called police to complain his father his smashed his glass bong used for smoking marijuana.
The teenager wasn’t charged but was given a warning by officers about possession of marijuana, Pearce said. Ain’t true that criminals are smartest people in the world. They just think they are.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Jason Aldean – Amarillo Sky
Redneck Video of the Week:
Watch as this very funny lady reminds us that laughter is the best medicine.
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Remember this next time your Computer Freezes…
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 10 – 7 .588
Season 283 – 107 .726
Cotton Bowl
LSU loses to Texas A&M
BBVA Compass Bowl
Kentucky loses to Pittsburgh
Fight Hunger Bowl
BostonCollege loses to Nevada
BCS Championship Game
Oregon loses to Auburn
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.”
Had a significant birthday this week, but at my age they have all become significant. I plan to keep having birthdays since the more I have the longer I live.
I am not old. I am just more experienced than most.
NCAA is about as consistent with celebration penalties as it is with recruiting penalties.
Bubba and Earl have showed up missing again. This means that they are having another beer summit, off making New Year’s resolutions, or we are about to have an international incident.
Having racin’ withdrawals, but at least we got college football ‘til almost February.
Hugh Hefner is getting married again this time to a 23 year old. Must have been a friend of his granddaughter.
Some New Year’s Resolutions for poLIEticians:
Tell the truth
Do what is right for all Americans
Don’t spend more than you have
Spend your time on America not on getting re-elected
Happy New Year y’all!
God Bless America and our troops!
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Air Force builds huge supercomputer by linking 1,760 PlayStation 3s
Air Force researchers have created the defense department’s largest interactive supercomputer by linking 1,760 Sony PlayStation 3s, the Air Force Times reports.
Moreover, says the director of the Air Force Research Laboratory at Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio, the linkup forms the 35th fastest computer in the world.
Research director Mark Barnell says the lab spent about $2 million, or about one tenth the cost of using traditional computer equipment, to build the “Condor Cluster.”
“We’re striving hard to make affordable and constrained systems, where they can really use them and make a difference,” he told reporters earlier this month.
The new Condor Cluster will be used to process high-resolution satellite images and boost surveillance capabilities, the Times reports.
The supercomputer can achieve about 1.5 GigaFLOPS per watt of computing power. FLOPS, or floating point operations per second, is the unit by which supercomputing power is measured.
A typical supercomputer can reach only about one-15th of that, the Times says.
Better to play war games, my dear!
Headlines
111th Congress Added More Debt Than First 100 Congresses Combined…
Problem is that they are proud of their accomplishment.
U.S. changes how it measures long-term unemployment
Yep. So we can make it look not so bad so that we can get re-elected in 2012.
NCAA denies favoritism for Ohio St., Auburn
Can’t deny that they are totally screwed up in applying punishments or having BcS
New Orleans wants the ‘temporary’ trailers out
What? Over 5 years isn’t temporary?
Redneck Joke of the Week
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Don’t mess with us retirees. We got the time to think!
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
“Science sense” list trashes celebrity health tips
In an annual list of what it sees as the year’s worst abuses against science, the Sense About Science (SAS) campaign group debunked diet and exercise suggestions made by actors, pop stars and others in the public eye in an effort “to help the celebrities realize where they are going wrong and to help the public make sense of celebrity claims.”
In the health and fitness section, SAS noted that soccer player David Beckham and Prince William’s fiancee Kate Middleton have both been spotted wearing hologram-embedded silicone bracelets which makers claim can improve energy and fitness.
It also listed a diet reportedly used by supermodel Naomi Campbell and actors Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in which followers survive on maple syrup, lemon and pepper alone for up to two weeks. Campbell told U.S. TV host Oprah Winfrey in an interview in May: “It’s good to clean out your body once in a while.”
But SAS said in a statement: “Many of these claims promote theories, therapies and campaigns that make no scientific sense.”
Pop star Sarah Harding told Now magazine in April that she crumbles charcoal over her food, saying: “It’s doesn’t taste of anything and apparently absorbs all the bad damaging stuff in the body.”
Dr John Elmsley, a chemical scientist and writer asked by SAS to comment on this idea, said charcoal is known to absorb toxic molecules when used in gas masks and sewage treatment, but is “unnecessary when it comes to diet because the body is already quite capable of removing any ‘bad damaging stuff’.”
To try and counter the effects of some of the wildest health and fitness tips, SAS published its own “easy-to-remember pointers for celebrity commentators”:-
* Nothing is chemical-free: everything is made of chemicals, it’s just a case of which ones
* Detox is a marketing myth: our body does it without pricey potions and detox diets
* There’s no need to boost: bodily functions occur without boosting
* Energy and fitness come from…food and exercise: there are no shortcuts.
Ain’t true that Hollywood types is all that smart. In fact, many are high school drop outs but they know everything.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Tim McGraw – She’s My Kind of Rain
Redneck Video of the Week:
Ray Stevens – Come to the USA
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
You know you’re getting older when…
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You were taught to respect your elders, but there are fewer to respect anymore.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 3 – 5 .375
Season 273 – 100 .732
After a bad week of pickin’, I have recalibrated the prognosticating machine with a good lick of a hammer. Hoping for a better week….
Armed Forces Bowl
SMU loses to Army
Pinstripe Bowl
Kansas State loses to Syracuse
MusicCity Bowl
Tennessee loses to NC
Holiday Bowl
Washington loses to Nebraska
Meineke Care Care Bowl
South Florida loses to Clemson
Sun Bowl
Miami loses to Notre Dame
Liberty Bowl
Central Fla loses to Georgia
Chick-fil-A Bowl
FloridaState loses to South Carolina
TicketCity Bowl
Northwestern loses to Texas Tech
Outback Bowl
Florida loses to PennState
Capital One Bowl
MichiganState loses to Bama
Gator Bowl
Michigan loses to MissState
Rose Bowl
TCU loses to Wisconsin
Fiesta Bowl
UConn loses to Oklahoma
Orange Bowl
Stanford loses to Va Tech
Sugar Bowl
Arkansas loses to OhioState
GoDaddy.com Bowl
MiddleTenn loses to Miami (Ohio)
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.”
- Chester Bowles
Imagine what this country would be if Wal-Mart had stayed with Sam Walton’s original business model of buying American.
Wonder if Farve will retire now and stay retired?
First day of winter – high 87. Welcome to Texas, Y’all!
Bubba and Earl had another one of their beer summits this week to watch the lunar eclipse. Well into the case, they were seeing it twice.
Dear Santa. I can explain. See it was like this……………….
If the federal gummit controls the internet, it won’t be long before RetiredRedneck.com will be history.
NCAA punishments are a total joke. Ohio State players are caught and suspended five games starting next year, but get to play in the bowl game now. What? Could it be the money for the BcS, Mr. NCAA?
Rumor has it that Bubba and Earl are full of Christmas cheer.
May the love and peace of Jesus Christ be with you on His birthday.
Merry Christmas from the Retired Redneck family.
God bless American and our troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
American Redneck Society formed to advocate for rural Americans
You might be a redneck if…you create a dues-paying society and a scholarship fund? And that’s what a Virginia man did last week, launching the “American Redneck Society.”
“I really felt that American Rednecks are an under-served, but large population that could benefit from a formal membership organization structure,” said American Redneck Society Executive Director Rob Clayton.
A $20 membership fee will get you access to retail discounts across the country, and a portion of the funds are set aside for an educational fund for “rural youth.”
“What does it mean to be a Redneck?” the group’s website asks.
Well, with apologies to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, apparently, you might be a redneck if…
You’re a fan of Nascar.
You’re a gun owner.
You like country music.
You can fix just about anything with duct tape.
You think “duct” tape should actually be “duck” tape.
Yee-haw!
Headlines
North Korea Backing Down from Attack on South
They know us Southern Rednecks is armed to the teeth and like to fight.
“Whatever” Voted Most Irritating Word in Poll
Whatever…….
Why a New Girlfriend Is the Last Thing You Need
Because Mrs. Redneck would not approve?
Ohio St. mess makes NCAA look bad
Yep just like the Cam Newton mess and many more before that.
NCAA = Never Consistent About Anything
Redneck Joke of the Week
—- MEMO —– To: Southern USA Residents From: Santa
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus shot the jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s, “All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-pack”, and Hank Williams Jr’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It.”
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
Since I spent most of my life in the baking business, I want to share one of my favorite Christmas cookie recipes…………….Enjoy
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour oneLevel Cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer.. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to Makesure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup…just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor…
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Checkthe Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Gre ash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall ove r.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas
Redneck Song of the Week:
Alan Jackson – Let It Be Christmas – Christmas in Washington
Redneck Video of the Week:
Jeff Dunham Achmed’s “Jingle Bombs”
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY – ( or Christmas 2.0 )
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 6 – 0 1.000
Season 270 – 95 .740
Bowl Games
Hawaii Bowl
Tulsa loses to Hawaii
Little Caesar’s Bowl
Toledo loses to Fla – International
Independence Bowl
Air Force loses to Ga Tech
Champs Sports Bowl
NC State loses to W Va
Insight Bowl
Iowa loses to Missouri
Military Bowl
East Carolina loses to Maryland
Texas Bowl
Illinois loses to Baylor
Alamo Bowl
Arizona loses to OklahomaState
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“The parent who gets down on the floor to play with a child on Christmas Day is usually doing a most remarkable thing — something seldom repeated during the rest of the year. These are, after all, busy parents committed to their work or their success in the larger society, and they do not have much left-over time in which to play with their children. “
Bubba is so proud of his lil’ youngun. He just finished a jigsaw puzzle in a little less than 6 months. Bubba says the box said 4 to 6 years.
Big Ten’s (actually 12 teams) announced its new division names – Legends and Leaders. Not that I really care, but they sound like strip joints!
Wonder if Brett Farve will retire now? And stay retired………..
BREAKING NEWS: Texas Ranger’s sign Lee – Chan Lee who will work in concessions making minimum wage.
Got less than two weeks left of being a fiftyager
The Tax Cut bill has $ 48 billion of earmarks and is 1,924 pages. When will they ever learn?
After losing Cliff Lee to the Phillies, I hope that the Rangers don’t drunk call every available pitcher there is. They need quality….
I was thinking that I suffered from PDD – patience deficit disorder, but Mrs. Redneck reminded me that I have plenty of patience since I have not used any of mine yet. She said that maybe I just don’t know how to use it. Well, maybe I just don’t have the patience to learn.
During all the hustle and bustle this time of year, be still and remember THE reason we do such strange things.
God bless America and our troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Postal worker arrested after delivering mail naked
The Associated Press
WHITEFISH BAY, Wis. — A Wisconsin postal carrier says he simply wanted to cheer up a woman on his rounds who seemed “stressed out” when he decided to deliver mail in the buff. But upon further review, the worker told police that delivering mail while completely naked probably wasn’t a good idea.
A police report says the 52-year-old man told the woman he would deliver the mail in the nude to her office in Whitefish Bay to make her laugh. The report says that on Dec. 4 he brought the mail wearing only a smile.
The mail carrier was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior several days later. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel says the man admitted delivering the mail naked was a stupid thing to do.
Double dumb – it is cold in Wisconsin in December.
Headlines
Filing bankruptcy in retirement catching on
I ain’t gonna do it, but I am going to run my credit cards to the limit, bounce my last check, and then die.
NFL to investigate tripping of player by coach
Okay, I have investigated. You are fired from the team and expelled from the NFL for life. Can’t fix stupid, but you can try to get rid of it.
Terrell Owens says Cincinnati Bengals’ problems are coaches’ fault
Last time I checked, coaches didn’t block, tackle, kick, catch, or throw. Same ol’ TO wherever he goes.
Federal Judge Finds Parts of Obamacare Unconstitutional
You mean somebody actually read it?
Redneck Joke of the Week
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of
his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife,
“When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!”
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
Granny with skillet KOs intruder
HUTCHINSON — Police in Hutchinson say a 71-year-old woman used a frying pan to knock out a man who attacked her.
Police Sgt. John Moore say a 25-year-old man talked his way into the woman’s home shortly after 7 a.m. Saturday, claiming he was homeless and had nowhere to go.
Moore says when he tried to attack the woman, she fought back and “beat him down with a frying pan.” When police arrived, he was unconscious on the floor.
Kevin Scott Funderburk remains jailed on $55,200 bond on suspicion of attempted rape, aggravated battery, criminal restraint and criminal damage to property. He was wearing a neck brace when he made his first appearance Tuesday in court.
The Hutchinson News reports that the woman was injured but Moore did not release how serious her injuries were. He said the suspect held her down and was attempting a sexual assault.
“She was fighting for her life,” Moore said.
Moore said the suspect later told police he was drunk at the time of the incident.
“When we arrived, he was unconscious and lying in his own vomit in the back of the house,” Moore said. “He was in the hospital in Wichita over the weekend where they stapled his scalp.”
Ain’t true that the liberals are gonna try to ban frying pans.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Brad Paisley – Alcohol
Redneck Video of the Week:
This is a Hockey Game That I Can Understand
The Refs Threw Everybody Out
(Love the Commentators)
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
New Apple Devices
Bubba and Earl showed up missing this week. They was on a mission and visited (okay they snuck into) Apple’s R&D. They discovered the latest Apple models:
iCheat Tiger Woods model
iMoron Jesse James model
iLie PoLIEtician model
iSwindle Bernard Madoff model
iDidn’t Do It OJ model
iSpin White House Staff model
iDon’t Know Anything About It Cam Newton model
iTake Federal Gummit model
iGive Taxpayer model
iGrope TSA model
iDon’t Recall Hillary Clinton model
iCan’t Retire Brett Farve model
iEgo Jerry Jones model
iFlop Soccer player model
iHot Detective Beckett model
iHide Osama Bin Laden model
iSeek CIA model
iChampion Jimmie Johnson model
iTough Special Forces model
iRich Bill Gates model
iStoned Willie Nelson model
iSave Jesus model
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Bowl Games
Last Week 1 – 0 1.000
Season 264 – 95 .735
New Mexico Bowl
UTEP loses to BYU
Humanitarian Bowl
Fresno St loses to N. Illinois
New Orleans Bowl
Ohio loses to Troy
Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl
So. Miss loses to Louisville
MAACO Bowl
Utah loses to BoiseState
Poinsettia Bowl
Navy loses to San Diego State
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
Last weekend was weird. I was pulling for college football teams that I normally don’t. Like Auburn and Oklahoma.
Little kids don’t play doctor anymore. They now play TSA agent.
After saying that he would freeze federal employees pay for 2 years, we find out that was just the cost of living raises. The employees will still get their step bonuses which are from 2.5 to 3.3%. Just another bunch of tough talk which is deceptive. Dang poLIEticians.
Rangel was censured, but should have been sentenced.
Wonder what they will find on Cam Newton before the January 10th championship game?
“Turn out the lights, the party is over”. RIP Dandy Don Meredeth.
“See ya later Gators” – Urban Meyer
Bubba and Earl said that they could fix that wikileak thing with some duct tape, balin’ wire, and some tie wraps.
Howard Stern just signed a $400 million contract with Sirius XM Radio and he can’t even pitch. Wonder what the Yankees or Red Sox would have given him?
God bless America and our troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
Small dog diverts big plane
Monday, December 06, 2010
By Torsten Ove, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
A USAirways flight from Newark to Phoenix was diverted to Pittsburgh this morning after a passenger’s small dog got loose and bit a flight attendant and another passenger.
Flight 522 from Newark carrying 122 passengers landed at Pittsburgh International Airport, where medical personnel treated the two people who were bitten.
USAirways said the passenger with the dog was supposed to keep it in its cage under her seat, which is the airline’s policy. But she took it out and the animal ran loose.
Although the dog is small and the injuries minor, the captain felt it was best to divert the plane.
USAirways was working this morning to find other flights for the passengers headed to Phoenix.
And some people wonder how I could possibly miss not traveling!
Headlines
HILLARY: Secretary of State will be ‘my last public position’…
Can we believe anything that she says? I hope this is one.
Ticker: Palin takes aim at media
And the lady can shoot too.
NFL player: ‘We’re like soldiers — Don’t Boo Us!’
You are not even close to being like a soldier, NY Giant Antrel Rolle!
Average gas prices near $3 a gallon at the pump
Obama must be taking care of his oil and gas buddies. At least that’s what they said when W was in office.
Redneck Joke of the Week
I have some very sad news out of Duluth, Minnesota this morning
to share with everyone. This will bring about change in North & South
Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa and parts of Canada This will bring
far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest
Heritage and Souls.
I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT. He was up by
the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers
looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the
Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, “Who are you and what are you
doing?”
OLE shouted back, “OLE…BIN LOGGIN!”
OLE is survived by his wife LENA and good friend SVEN.
(See, up North they call their Rednecks Norwegians)
Redneck Picture of the Week
Ain’t True
Production woes delay release of new $100 bills
By Alex Branch
abranch@star-telegram.com
FORT WORTH — A production problem that left creases on some redesigned $100 bills has led federal officials to delay the notes’ release until they figure out how many are fit for circulation.
Damaged bills are being stored in vaults at the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing Western Currency Facility in far north Fort Worth and a plant in Washington, D.C., until a mechanism to sort the good bills from the bad is developed, said Carol Riggs, manager of the external affairs division for the Fort Worth facility.
Riggs said she didn’t know exactly how many bills had been printed and noted that sorting them is a time-consuming process. One news report Monday put the figure at 1.1 billion bills.
“We are working diligently on a technical solution that will allow us to inspect for the creased notes,” Riggs said. “We believe there are a very high proportion of the notes in the vault that will be found acceptable.”
Once the bills fit for circulation are identified, they will be shipped to the Federal Reserve Board, she said. Riggs said the creases are not a new discovery. Treasury officials announced in a short news release in October that they had “identified a problem with sporadic creasing” of the bills.
The creasing was not apparent during “extensive pre-production testing,” the statement said. The bills were originally scheduled to be released Feb. 10, but that has been delayed indefinitely because there will not be enough bills.
“The Federal Reserve imposes strict quality controls to ensure that users of U.S. currency around the world use the highest quality notes,” the statement said.
A spokeswoman for the Federal Reserve declined to comment Monday.
The new bills incorporate “cutting-edge, anti-counterfeiting technologies,” including a 3-D security strip, officials have said.
Creases occurred during production at the Fort Worth and Washington facilities, Riggs said. Bureau officials are working closely with the Treasury Department and the paper manufacturer.
“It’s a team effort,” Riggs said. “Part of the technical solution we are working on is to look at every single note that is out there.”
The Fort Worth facility, which opened in 2001, is one of only two facilities that make U.S. paper currency.
It has been said that the federal gummit just needs to print more money, but it ain’t true that they can even do that right.
Redneck Song of the Week:
Kenny Chesney – Way Down Here
Redneck Video of the Week:
Obama’s Illegal Aunt:
“You Have the Obligation to Make Me a Citizen”
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS ISLAMANIAC TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from ..223 to .50 cal.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and
highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No
Anesthetic is required.
The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won’t even notice it.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 7 – 2 .778
Season 263 – 95 .735
Army loses to Navy
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”
Samuel Goldwyn US (Polish-born) movie producer (1882 – 1974)
My vote for the Heisman Trophy goes to Mo Mentum. He played the first half with Alabama and then won the game with Auburn in the second half. He took a quick trip to Reno where he played the first half with Boise State and won the game for Nevada in the second half and overtime.
Bubba and Earl had one of their beer summits over the Thanksgiving holidays. Well into the case of beer, Bubba and Earl had an epiphany. Instead of TSA screening everybody getting on an airplane, just screen the terrorists. Put them in one line and everybody else in another. Simple ain’t it!
Boise State’s kicker that missed two game winning field goals late in their game with Nevada attempted suicide over the weekend. He put a noose around his neck while standing on a chair. He tried to kick the chair out from under him, but missed wide left.
Bubba and Earl went back to the airport today. No they weren’t flying anywhere. They just wanted the pat down.
Looks like Congress is getting serious about reducing the deficit that they created. How about reducing all the waste in government. Do like every company and family in America has done – search out and eliminate all wasteful, unnecessary spending. And don’t create any more while you’re at it.
Bubba just got a call from one of those donation organizations asking him to donate some of his clothes to starving people. Bubba wants to know how in the world anyone could be starving if they fit into his “full figured” clothes.
NCAA said it’s OK for a kid’s representative, even his own father, to shop him as long as kid says he doesn’t know. Let the bidding begin! I think that they will regret that decision…………
Amazon web services cutting off the Wikileaks site from its servers is like closing the barn door after the cow got out.
God bless America and our troops.
You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
German man builds wall, traps himself in cellar
BERLIN (AFP) – A German DIY enthusiast accidentally walled himself into his own basement and only managed to escape by drilling his way through to his neighbours, police said Thursday.
The 64-year-old pensioner in the eastern town of Gumperda had — inexplicably — aimed to seal off the entrance to his cellar and went downstairs armed with bricks, mortar as well as food and drink.
“Whoops, you could say,” the police station in nearby Kahla said in a statement. “He was on the wrong side of the wall when his work was finished.”
The pensioner, whose name was not released, spent the weekend trapped in the basement but on Monday decided to take action.
Using a drill hammer, he went to work not on his own wall but on the firewall separating his home from his neighbours’.
The neighbours, with whom the pensioner had already been quarreling for months, called the police when they heard the loud drilling.
Officers were waiting for the hobby handyman when he broke through to the other side.
Headlines
Obama proposes 2 year pay freeze for federal workers
Can he help us freeze the pay in the SEC while he’s at it?
DHS SEIZES DOMAIN NAMES…
Probably would seize RetiredRedneck.com if they ever read it
China ’scared to death’ of Pelosi…
So are we.
Auburn’s Cam Newton is eligible to play in the SEC title game, even though the NCAA says his father broke rules by shopping his son to another school.
Something is fishy here! We may never know the truth because too much money is involved at the school, conference, and NCAA level.
Redneck Joke of the Week
A gas station owner in College Station was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”
Redneck Picture of the Week
The Mother of All Duck Blinds
Ain’t True
Who ya gonna call after party? Hangover Helpers
BOULDER, Colo. — Your head aches, you’re hungry and your house is littered with sticky plastic cups. Who ya gonna call? Hangover Helpers.
Two University of Colorado graduates are marketing a new business by that name in Boulder, home of CU’s main campus. They’ll bring in breakfast burritos and Gatorade the morning after a party — and clean up the mess.
The Daily Camera in Boulder reports that Marc Simons started cleaning party houses about a year ago for extra cash and realized he’d found a niche, despite the bad economy.
He teamed up with high school friend Alex Vere-Nicoll and started Hangover Helpers.
They charge $15 per roommate.
They’re already getting some calls but expect business to pick up in spring, Boulder’s prime party season.
Ain’t true that the American entrepreneurial spirit is dead.
Redneck Song of the Week:
ZAC BROWN – COLDER WEATHER
Redneck Video of the Week:
TSA – You Don’t Have to Fly
Redneck Education Tip of the Week:
Jail vs Nursing home
Let’s put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. And they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pjs and legal aid would be free. Private secure rooms for all with an outdoor garden and exercise area. Each would have access to a p.c., phone, TV and radio free.
There would be a Board of Directors to hear complaints and guards would have a code of conduct that would strictly be adhered to.
The criminals in the nursing homes would get cold food, be left all alone, unsupervised, lights off at 8:00 p.m. And showers once a week.
They would live in a tiny room for $5000.00 a month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all.
Football Pickins:
Louie’s Losers
Last Week 21 – 8 .724
Season 256 – 93 .734
Rutgers loses to WestVa
UConn loses to SouthFla
La Tech loses to Nevada
Fla – Atlantic loses to Troy
MiddleTenn loses to Fla – International
SMU loses to Central Fla
South Carolina loses to Auburn
FlaState loses to Va Tech
Nebraska loses to Oklahoma
Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” - Jean Giraudoux
