Issue 103

Redneck Ramblins

  • Watching college football over the weekend and saw Bob Davies of ESPN try to explain why college athletes are getting in trouble these days. He said that they used to go home during the summer and earn some money, but now they are on campus twelve months a year working out. Since they have no money like normal students, they tend to get into trouble. Hey, Bob, what about the thousands of dollars of tattoos on their bodies? Where did they get the money for those?
  • America is a great country whose Bill of Rights gives one the freedom to burn the Koran or protest at military funerals. It also gives me the freedom to point out that Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida preacher, and Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka are all booger eating morons.
  • Don’t much care for Donald Trump, but I do have to give him a nod in trying to buy the property of the controversial mosque and attempting to end the mess.
  • BP oil spill must be all better now. Haven’t heard anything in the media about it. Old news, I guess.
  • Congress is working hard – trying to get re-elected.
  • Article this week says that doctors work while ill. That makes me sick!
  • I got trifocal contacts this week. I guess if I don’t like the looks of things, I can just look at it differently.
  • God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

41 Obama White House aides owe the IRS $831,000 in back taxes — and they’re not alone

September 10, 2010 Los Angeles Times

Over the years a lot of suspicion has built up across the country about Washington and its population of opportunistic transients coming to see themselves as a special kind of person, somehow above average working Americans who don’t work down in that former swamp.

Well, finally, an end to all those undocumented doubts. Thanks to some diligent digging by the Washington Post, those suspicions can at last be put to rest.

They’re correct. Accurate. Dead-on. Laser-guided. On target. Bingo-bango. As clear as it’s always seemed to those Americans who don’t feel special entitlements and do meet their government obligations.

We now know that federal employees across the nation owe fully $1 billion in back taxes to the Internal Revenue Service.

As in, 1,000 times one million dollars. All this political jabber about giving middle-class

… Americans a tax cut. Thousands of feds have been giving themselves one all along — unofficially. And these tax scofflaws include more than three dozen folks who work for the president with that newly decorated Oval Office.

The Post’s T.W. Farnum did some research and found that out of the total sum, just 638 workers on Capitol Hill owe the IRS $9.3 million in back taxes. As in, overdue. The IRS gets stiffed by the legislative body that controls its budget. How Washington works.

Now, back taxes have been a problem for the Obama-Biden administration. You may recall early on that Tom Daschle was the president’s top pick to run the Health and Human Services Department. But it turned out the former Democratic senator, who was un-elected from South Dakota in 2004, owed something like $120,000 to the IRS for things from his subsequent benefactor that he just forgot to pay taxes on. You know how that is. $120G’s here or there. So he dropped out.

And then we learned this guy Timothy Geithner owed something like $42,000 in back taxes and penalties to the IRS, which is one of the agencies that he’d be in charge of as secretary of the Treasury. The fine fellow who’s supposed to know about handling everyone else’s money. In the end this was excused by Washington’s bipartisan CYA culture as one of those inadvertent accidental oversights that somehow never seem to happen on the side of paying too much taxes.

And under Geithner’s expert guidance the U.S. economy has been, well, wow! Just look at it.

Privacy laws prevent release of individual tax delinquents’ names. But we do know that as of the end of 2009, 41 people inside Obama’s very own White House owe the government they’re allegedly running a total of $831,055 in back taxes. That would cover a lot of special chocolate desserts in the White House Mess.

In the House of Representatives, 421 people owe a total $6,524,892. In the Senate, 217 owe $2,774,836. In the IRS’ parent department, Treasury, 1,204 owe $7,670,814. At the Labor Department, where Secretary Hilda Solis’ husband had some back-tax problems before her confirmation, 463 owe $7,481,463. Eighty-one workers for the Federal Reserve System’s board of governors owe $1,076,733.

Over at the Justice Department, which is so busy enforcing other laws and suing Arizona, 1,971 employees still owe $14,350,152 in overdue taxes.

Then, we come to the Department of Homeland Security, which is run by Janet Napolitano, the former governor of Arizona who preferred to call terrorist acts “man-caused disasters.” Homeland Security is keeping all of us safe by ensuring that a Dutch tourist is aboard every inbound international flight to thwart any would-be bomber with explosives in his underpants.

Within that department, there reside 4,856 people who owe the tax agency a whopping total of $37,012,174.

And they’re checking our pockets for metal and coins?

– Andrew Malcolm

Headlines

Reggie Bush announces he is giving back his Heisman Trophy

Now if he will give back all of the other stuff his family received for him to play at USC and his signing bonus…………..

Politicians May Brush Off House Work to Continue Campaigning

That is all they ever do is campaign. It’s all about getting re-elected.

Harry Reid arrives at clean energy summit. . . in a fleet of giant SUVs
Hypocrites every one of them.

Christine O’Donnell upsets Mike Castle in Delaware Senate primary

There is change and hope. Both parties should be worried! It is not business as usual anymore in the political world.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’

Redneck Picture of the Week

terrorist school

Racin’

The Chase is on –Final ten races to declare the Sprint Cup Champion.

My predictions:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2.  Kevin Harvick
3.  Jeff Gordon
4. Tony Stewart
5. Denny Hamlin
6. Kyle Busch
7. Clint Bowyer
8. Kurt Busch
9. Greg Biffle
10. Jeff Burton
11. Carl Edwards
12. Matt Kenseth

The Chase starts in New Hampshire. The picks:

  1. Jimmie Johnson
  2. Denny Hamlin
  3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (AP) — Corpus Christi police say a man accused in the fatal shooting of a woman told investigators he believed he was pulling the trigger of a gun-shaped cigarette lighter, not a real firearm.

Joseph Ryan Douglas remained in custody Tuesday on a manslaughter charge. Bond was set at $100,000 for the 23-year-old Douglas.

Nueces County Jail records had no listing of an attorney for Douglas, who is charged over the death of 27-year-old Shakarra Ward.

Police say Ward, who was shot Friday night, died later at a hospital. She suffered a single gunshot wound to the chest.

Police say the shooting happened at the home shared by the victim and her husband, when some friends were visiting.

Ain’t true that he shot his nose off trying to light his cigarette.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Zac Brown Band – Chicken Fried

/p>

Redneck Video of the Week:

Bill Cosby – “Understanding Southern”

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

45 Lessons Life Taught Me

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God
never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no
for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will
this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 1             .950

Season                       36 – 4             .900

Cincy loses to NC State

Wolfpack wins a close one at home.

Kansas loses to So. Miss

Eagles beat the Jaybirds

Duke loses to Bama

Blue Devils are blue after home beatin’

La- Monroe loses to Ark State

Redwolves win at home over the Warhawks in a heated battle

North Texas loses to Army

Cadets march over the Mean Green

Clemson loses to Auburn

Tigers win! Guaranteed

Tennessee loses to Florida

Vols make it close at home, but still lose

BYU loses to Fla State

Cougars melt in Tallahassee

Arkansas loses to Georgia

Bulldogs beat the Razorhogs only because they are between the hedges

W KY loses to Indiana

Hoosiers win on the road

Akron loses to KY

Zips win zip

Miss State loses to LSU

Bengals best Bulldogs in the bayou

Bowling Green loses to Marshall

Still smarting from loss to WVA, Herd finds a way to win this time

Memphis loses to Mid. TN

Tigers wish it was basketball season

Vandy loses to Ole Miss

Rebels romp

La Tech loses to Navy

Midshipmen’s run game prevails

Ga Tech loses to NC

Could be the game of the week. Close one.

Air Force loses to Oklahoma

Sooners ground the Falcons

Tulsa loses to Okla State

Cowboys win an intrastate rivalry at home

Louisville loses to Oregon St

Cardinals lose on the road

Washington St loses to SMU

Mustangs win big in Big D

Wake Forest loses to Stanford

Cardinal give Demon Deacons lots of trouble

Baylor loses to TCU

Baylor Baptist Bears beaten badly

Texas loses to Texas Tech

Upset special of the week. Raiders win in Lubbock

UAB loses to Troy

Intrastate rivalry goes to the Trojans

East Carolina loses to Va Tech

Hokies have got to win one sometime

Maryland loses to W. VA

Terps thumbed by Mountaineers

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

There ought to be one day– just one– when there is open season on senators.
- Will Rogers

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Posted by    Date: Thursday, September 16, 2010

Categories: Weekly Ramblings

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Issue 102

Redneck Ramblins

  • Bought a new watch the other day. It says that it is water resistant to 100 meters. If I am 100 meters under water, the last thing I’m gonna worry about is my watch.
  • Bubba was up to Auburn last week and stayed in a motel. He called the front desk and said “I gotta leak in my sink”. They said “go ahead”.
  • Got some gruff from some up North wondering why I don’t pick the losers of football games other than the South. First, the prognosticatin’ machine only works south of the Mason-Dixon line.  Second, it don’t matter. Real football is only played in the South.
  • Stephen Hawking says that Creation came ‘from nothing,’ not God. Wonder what God thinks of all that?
  • Stop organized crime. Don’t re-elect anyone.
  • Rev. Jessie was in Detroit last week promoting “green” cars and jobs. Funny thing happened. His big ol’ Caddy Escalade was stolen and stripped.  Why wasn’t he driving an electric car? Oh, the hypocrisy.
  • I have my annual visit with the ophthalmologist and Mrs. Redneck asks if I have any changes in my vision. Nope. Still can’t see far away; still can’t see up close; and I still can’t see my butt going back to work.
  • This Saturday, September 11th, is Patriots Day. Take time to reflect on who your real heroes are. Are they the ones with numbers on their jerseys or those that protect you, serve for you, teach you, minister to you? I have a special hero to remember that day. On 9/11/2001, we buried Daddy.
  • God bless America and its Patriots.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

A Dallas man abandoned an 11-month old boy in the back of a Buick after officers pulled him over last month for driving an unregistered car, police said.

Around 9:15 p.m. Aug. 16, a Dallas police officer stopped the man in the 9700 block of Royal Lane after his car came up as unregistered. The driver pulled into a Lake Highlands apartment complex, got out of his car and fled. The officer chased the man on foot, but he got away.

When the officer returned to search the Buick, he found a baby in the back seat. Dallas police said the officer pulled the baby from the car and played with him until he was given to Child Protective Service. The baby was later released to family members.

Police are still looking for the suspect and said they believe he was driving a stolen car.

Candidate for father of the year?

Headlines

Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining (WFAA.com)

Economy is so bad they don’t want to come here anymore.

Ferrari recalls $230,000 458 Italia supercar (CNNMoney.com)

What am I gonna drive in the meantime?

White House: No second stimulus (CNN.com)

Like the first one worked so well…………….

BP shifts U.S. oil spill blame onto contractors (Reuters)

Must have learned that strategy from their friends in Washington

Redneck Joke of the Week

How To Start A Fight
________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, ”He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.’  I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..

Redneck Picture of the Week

pinkslip

Racin’

Tony “Smoke” Stewart won his first of the year in a great race in Atlanta. This week is the fast short track of Richmond. Since the Chase lineup is almost set and nobody will be worried about points racin’, the race will be all about winning. Could be super exciting.

The picks:

1.      Kyle Busch

2.      Denny Hamlin

3.      Smoke

Ain’t True

cattle guard

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Story ain’t true, but still funny.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Randy Houser – Whistlin’ Dixie

/p>

Redneck Video of the Week:

Cell Phone With Many Functions

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Why Teachers Drink

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Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 (17 – 3            .850)

Season                       (17 – 3            .850)

What a start to the College Football season! How about East Carolina’s last second “Hail Mary” against Tulsa, Maryland – Navy, LSU – NC,  and the Boise St. – VA Tech game? I had picked VA Tech as my upset of the week. Had to send the prognosticator to the shop this week to get the timing chain adjusted. Missed that one by a minute.

Miss State loses to Auburn

Bulldogs barely miss takin’ a bite out of the Tigers.

Marshall loses to West VA

Thundering Herd can’t get up the hill.

UTEP loses to Houston

Hope Houston dries out enough from Hermine.

Penn State loses to Bama

Speed kills and Bama has the speed on offense and defense.

LA-Monroe loses to Arkansas

No contest for the Razorhogs.

Buffalo loses to Baylor

The Bears baptize the Bulls.

Memphis loses to East Carolina

Pilots prevail even with an emotional letdown.

South Florida loses to Florida

Gators struggled offensively last week, but not this week.

Kansas loses to GA Tech

Jayhawks lost last week to Division II team and lose this week too.

W. KY loses to Kentucky

Intra-state game goes to the Wildcats.

Vandy loses to LSU

SEC matchup that goes the Bayou Bengal’s way.

Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan St

Spartans run up the score

Tulane loses to Ole Miss

Rebels embarrassed last week, but win this week.

Florida St loses to Oklahoma

Semiholes lose on the road in Boomer Sooner land

Troy loses to Okie State

Trojans thumped in Stillwater

UAB loses to SMU

Mustangs made a game of it against Texas Tech and win it this week

Wyoming loses to Texas

Longhorns rev it up against the Cowboys.

New Mexico loses to Texas Tech

Tuberville straightens out some stuff this week.

Bowling Green loses to Tulsa

BG has a gutter ball against the Hurricanes

LA Tech loses to Texas A&M

Aggies gain some confidence

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.”
- Bernard Bailey

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Posted by    Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Categories: Weekly Ramblings

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Issue 101

Redneck Ramblins

  • Great to hear that microbes are devouring the oil in the Gulf. Now if we could get a microbe to devour the national debt……
  • Recycling is a good thing. Let’s recycle Congress beginning in 2010.
  • I remember when a company stood for more than profits.
  • August 2010 had 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years. I probably will miss it next time!
  • What happened to “The Summer of Recovery”?
  • Still irks me no end that the media refers all Katrina coverage to New Orleans and especially the 9th Ward. The Gulf Coast of Mississippi and Alabama suffered greater damage from the actual hurricane. Same goes for 9/11 coverage. It is all about the World Trade Center. Planes also went down in the Pentagon and in Pennsylvania.
  • God bless America and especially our troops that keep us free!
  • Happy Labor Day! (and the second anniversary of my retirement)

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Golfer Starts Fire with His Back Swing

IRVINE, Calif. — Forget “Fore!” “Fire!” was the cry of the day for a golfer whose off-target swing sparked a 12-acre blaze in Southern California. The golfer at the Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine landed a shot in the rough Saturday.

On his next swing, his club snagged a rock, causing a spark that lit the rough ablaze and eventually attracted 150 firefighters to the scene.

Fire officials say the fire burned through the rough, into vegetation next to the course and over two dry, brushy hillsides.

No charges were filed against the golfer, whose name was withheld.

Do you know how hard it is to start a fire without matches? And this guy does it with two swings of a golf club?

Headlines

Do planes need a kids-only section? (USA Today)

And for those that act like kids.

STUDY: Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers… (Time Magazine)

Bubba gonna outlive us all.

Earl nears East Coast (USA Today)

Bubba wondered where Earl had wandered off to.

UPDATE: School to put GPS devices in students’ backpacks…(NBCChicago.com)

Is that to help them to get to where they’re going or tell them where they’re at?

Redneck Joke of the Week

A couple of Auburn frat boys were watching CNN in their rooms when the network showed a clip of a desperate man standing on the ledge of a building. “I’ll bet you $50 he jumps,” one frat boy said. “You’re on,” the other said, sealing the deal with a handshake. The man jumped to the sidewalk below. “I can’t take your money,” the frat boy told his friend. “This is a rerun. I saw it about an hour ago.” “I did, too,” the other admitted. “I didn’t think he’d be stupid enough to do it again.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Nobody Spent These

Bear Buck

Racin’

After a week off, the good ol’ boys are racin’ at the fast 1.5 mile Atlanta Speedway on Sunday.

The picks:

  1. Carl Edwards
  2. Jimmie Johnson
  3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the “United States Redneck Special Forces”.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don’t like beer, pickups, women, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

Ain’t true that this war will last ‘til Friday.

Redneck Song of the Week:

The Boys of Fall – Kenny Chesney

Redneck Video of the Week:

Bear Bryant Speech to Incoming Freshmen

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Wisdom of Football

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money and we don’t have any.”

Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

“Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas.”

Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

“After you retire, there’s only one big event left….and I ain’t ready for that.”

Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.”

Lou Holtz / Arkansas

“When you win, nothing hurts.”

Joe Namath / Alabama

“Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.”

Lou Holtz / Arkansas

“If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password,

“Roll, tide, roll!”

Bear Bryant / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.”

Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”

Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”

Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.”

Wally Butts / Georgia

“You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.”

Paul Dietzel / LSU

“It’s kind of hard to rally around a math class.”

Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.   ”No, but you can see it from here.”

Lou Holtz / Arkansas…
“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.”

Bear Bryant / Alabama

“There’s one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.”

Matty Bell / SMU

“Lads,y ou’re not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.”

Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -

Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”

Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.”

Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.”

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember ….. Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.”

Shug Jordan / Auburn

“They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces.”

Darrell Royal / Texas
“Show me a good and gracious loser, and I’ll show you a failure.”

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“They whipped us like a tied up goat.”

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said:  “Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.”

Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”

Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is not a contact sport – it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.”

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:

“All those who need showers, take them.”

John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”

Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.”

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.”

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.”

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.”

Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.”

John McKay / USC

“Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad .”

Darrell Royal / University of Texas

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.”

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football”

John Heisman

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Samford Bulldogs lose to Fla State Semiholes

Bobby Bowden’s old school beats his old school

Marshall loses to Ohio State

Buckeye’s beat up on the Herd

So. Carolina State loses to GA Tech

Yellow Jackets sting the Bulldogs

So. Miss loses to So. Carolina

Old ball coach wins one with ease

Fla Atlantic loses to UAB

Blazers best the Owls

Presbyterian Blue Hose loses to the Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Blue hose? Who could win with a name like that?

San Jose State loses to Bama

Tide rolls and rolls

Arkansas State loses to Auburn

War Eagle swoops down on the Red Wolves

Miami loses to Florida

Problem is that this Miami is from Ohio

North Texas loses to Clemson

Hope the Eagles get lots of money for the beatin’

LA – Lafayette loses to Georgia

Dawgs have their day

Louisville loses to Kentucky

Battle in the Bluegrass

North Carolina loses to LSU

Could be the game of the week in the South

Bowling Green loses to Troy

Trojans thump Falcons

Tennessee-Martin loses to Tennessee

Tennessee plays lots of Rocky Top

Memphis loses to Miss. State

Tigers sing the blues

Rice loses to Texas

Longhorn qb’s get lots of audition time for Colt McCoy’s old job

SMU loses to Texas Tech

Tuberville’s new era begins

Boise State loses to VA Tech

Upset special of the week

Maryland loses to Navy

Terps are submarined

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“There’s a lot of blood, sweat, and guts between dreams and success”.
-Paul Bryant

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Posted by    Date: Friday, September 3, 2010

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Issue 100

Redneck Ramblins

  • Favre has un-retired again? That boy needs some counseling. This retired redneck could help him understand that retirement is a great thing. (reprint from Issue 50 – Aug 2009)
  • Hung jury? They shoulda hung Blagojevich!
  • Looks like Roger Clemens “misremembered” a bunch.
  • Takes one to know one. Congress should know all about liars.
  • Something is really wrong when you see Halloween stuff in stores in mid-August. Of course Christmas stuff will be in the stores about Labor Day.
  • LA just opened a $578 million school. No wonder they are going broke. The thing cost more than the Chinese Olympic Stadium.
  • More than 550 million eggs recalled. That’s a bunch of rotten eggs.
  • Bubba took his grandma to the rastlin’ match this week. Not to watch it. She was in it!
  • Thanks to all the teachers. You make a difference. Too bad we don’t pay you what you are worth. Mrs. Redneck and redneck daughter, I’m proud of you!
  • God bless America and God bless our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Philly requiring bloggers to pay $300 for a business license

By: Mark Hemingway
Commentary Staff Writer

It looks like cash hungry local governments are getting awfully rapacious these days:

Between her blog and infrequent contributions to ehow.com, over the last few years she says she’s made about $50. To [Marilyn] Bess, her website is a hobby. To the city of Philadelphia, it’s a potential moneymaker, and the city wants its cut.

In May, the city sent Bess a letter demanding that she pay $300, the price of a business privilege license.

“The real kick in the pants is that I don’t even have a full-time job, so for the city to tell me to pony up $300 for a business privilege license, pay wage tax, business privilege tax, net profits tax on a handful of money is outrageous,” Bess says.

It would be one thing if Bess’ website were, well, an actual business, or if the amount of money the city wanted didn’t outpace her earnings six-fold. Sure, the city has its rules; and yes, cash-strapped cities can’t very well ignore potential sources of income. But at the same time, there must be some room for discretion and common sense.

When Bess pressed her case to officials with the city’s now-closed tax amnesty program, she says, “I was told to hire an accountant.”

She’s not alone. After dutifully reporting even the smallest profits on their tax filings this year, a number — though no one knows exactly what that number is — of Philadelphia bloggers were dispatched letters informing them that they owe $300 for a privilege license, plus taxes on any profits they made.

Even if, as with Sean Barry, that profit is $11 over two years.

To say that these kinds of draconian measures are detrimental to the public discourse would be an understatement.

This blog’s income didn’t even cover the hosting fee for the last two years.

Headlines

Americans uncertain about Obama’s faith (USA Today)

And a lot of other things too!

Obama now blames poor job numbers on congressional inaction. Wait! His party runs Congress (LA Times)

I guess blaming the prior administration didn’t work. Now he is blaming his!

Little-known fact: Obama’s failed stimulus program cost more than the Iraq war (Washington Examiner)

Total costs of Iraq War is about $3 trillion. Obama’s stimulus is estimated at 15% more.  Just the first two years of Obama’s stimulus cost more than the entire cost of the Iraq War under President Bush, or six years of that war.
Amazing how the mainstream media has missed that. Or are they just protecting their beloved Dumbocrats?

GOP Leader: Obama Economic Team Should Go

And the rest of you too!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Redneck Buys a Mirror

An old redneck man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old redneck man was so happy he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the redneck wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “So this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

John Deere Motorcyle Plows Through Traffic

john deer motorcyle

Racin’

Rowdy Busch bumped, banged, and wrecked his way to an unprecedented sweep of the Bristol races – Camping World Truck, Nationwide, and Sprint Cup. Great racing, just the wrong dang winner.

The cup boys have the week off and race next at Atlanta.

Ain’t True

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. A Fayetteville man who was waiting for his case to be heard Friday drew the ire of Judge Toni King after starting to laugh in a Cumberland County courtroom. Authorities said King asked 47-year-old Johnny Montgomery why he was laughing, but the man refused to say.

King ordered Montgomery to jail on a misdemeanor charge. As deputies were preparing to take Montgomery to jail, they searched him and found more than 3 grams of crack cocaine.

Montgomery was charged with felony drug possession. Authorities said he was being processed Friday evening and does not yet have a court date or an attorney.

Ain’t true that the judge found this to be a laughing matter.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Trailerhood” – Toby Keith

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Redneck Video of the Week:

Worst Boyfriend Ever:

Girlfriend Gets Hit by Line Drive as Boyfriend Leaps Out of Way

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

What We Are Saying – Part 3

Bite the Bullet

The phrase today means to just accept whatever situation you are in and push through it the best you can. The kids today say to just “suck it up”. The phrase originates from the days of the War of Northern Aggression in which battlefield doctors had little pain killers or alcohol. Sometimes, all they could do was to offer a solder a bullet to bite on while they did what they had to do (often very painful) to deal with the injuries.

Wet Behind the Ears

This refers to someone who has no knowledge or skill in a craft or assignment. It goes beyond just being a beginner. It means to know absolutely nothing. The origin is simple and refers to newborn animals that are wet from the womb. They dry slowly and the last place to dry is often behind their ears. Newborns are pretty helpless and know nothing just like someone who doesn’t know how to do something.

To Make Things Hum

Hmmm! Hmmmm! That’s the happy sounds of cotton mills working. What you didn’t want to hear was silence – when the machines broke down. So it took a lot of mechanical skills and management wisdom to make the cotton mill hum with productivity. Later, the phrase “to make things hum” slipped into common language to represent anytime someone made a project run efficiently.

To Be at the End of Your Rope

Today it means that you have used up all of your possible resources, solutions, ideas, etc. in order to surmount a problem you have. It originated from the tethering of horses – to allow them to eat but not run free.  A horse would eat in the area that his rope allowed. When the horse at all the grass that was easy, he then was stretching and eating the area that was “at the end of his rope”.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand.”

Woodrow Wilson
28th president of US (1856 – 1924)

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Posted by    Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2010

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Issue 99

Redneck Ramblins

  • Indecision may or may not be Favre’s problem
  • Bubba’s trying to get in shape. He got him a deluxe model Stairmaster with a beer can holder and an ashtray.
  • Flying has gotten so bad that even those that are paid to fly are going bonkers.
  • Stephen Slater, the now famous former flight attendant, is NOT a hero folks. He vacated his job (albeit in spectacular fashion) and endangered passengers. He broke the law. Done deal.
  • How is that stimulus thingee working out for y’all?
  • Well it is back-to-school time. There was lots of crying, yelling, gnashing of teeth, and pouting in the house this morning. No it was not a redneck kid having to go off to school; it was Mrs. Redneck, the teacher.
  • It was really nice to watch the PGA Championship and see other golfers besides Tiger.
  • I reckon I ought to warm up the prognosticating machine and dust off the football jokes. College football starts in a few weeks.
  • God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

13-year-old struck by lightning on Friday 13th at 13.13

At precisely 13:13, a boy aged 13 was seen by the St John Ambulance team at Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival in Suffolk after he was struck by lightning, a spokesman said.

The boy suffered a minor burn and was taken to James Paget Hospital, where he is expected to make a full recovery.

Jason Gillingham, county ambulance officer and on scene at the show, said: ”This was a very minor burn to the boy’s shoulder, but he was conveyed to hospital and is recovering well.”

A second teenager and a woman were also struck by lightning but did not need hospital treatment.

The three were watching a display of the Red Arrows during a downpour when the lightning struck.

Headlines

Saying Recovery Has Slowed, Fed to Buy US Debt

There is plenty to purchase.

U.S. posts $165 billion July deficit

Time to let the managers go!

Why would Defense Secretary Robert Gates want to retire?

To get away from DC, the bs, and the stress? Retirement is not a bad thing y’all!

New study: Nearly 80% of spilled oil still in Gulf

The White House numbers said that less than 30% was there. They are never wrong. Just ask them.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Brother Bart was making his rounds yesterday when he ran across little Johnny sitting beside a push mower on the corner and holding a sign that read, “Lawn mower for sale, cheap!”

“Morning, Johnny,” Brother Bart said. “Didn’t know you were in the lawn mower business.”

“I’m not,” Johnny said, seriously. “My daddy got him a new riding mower. He said if I could sell this old one, I could take the money and buy that used bicycle down at the pawn shop. It’s a good one–it’s already got a horn on it!”

“I see.” Brother Bart said. “How much are you asking for it?”

“I don’t rightly know, sir. Daddy said to ask the customer what he’d give me for it. He said there wasn’t a person in this whole town that wouldn’t give me a fair price.”

Johnny’s enthusiasm started working on the preacher’s tender old heart.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Brother Bart said impulsively. “I’ve got a nice bike parked beside my carport that I never ride. What to trade it for this push mower?”

“Aw, man!!!!” Johnny hollered. “It’s a deal!”

Johnny pushed the mower home for the preacher and rode off on that bike, whistling to the high heavens. Brother Bart finished his rounds and went home to try out the mower. It wouldn’t start. He must’ve pulled that starter string a dozen times with no response. Frustrated, he called little Johnny over and explained that he was having trouble getting the mower started.

Johnny grinned. “Daddy says you got to cuss at it to get it started.”

Brother Bart frowned. “Well, son,” he replied. “It’s been so long since I’ve cussed, I don’t know if I even remember how.”

“Just keep pulling on that string,” Johnny said. “It’ll come back to ya!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

On the left is “Walter,” Jeff Dunham’s dummy…
The one on the right is Obama’s.

dummies

Racin’

Happy Harvick is really happy after winning Michigan and locking himself into the Chase.

This week is the best race of the season – The Night Race at Bristol! Look for that short track  beatin’ and bangin’ with lots of sparks.

The picks:

  1. Greg Biffle
  2. Tony Stewart
  3. Jeff Burton
  4. Anybody but a Busch.

Ain’t True

Thieves use breasts to distract victim

Police in France are looking for two attractive female thieves who bared their breasts at a man at a cashpoint to distract him before stealing his money.

The women in their 20s exposed themselves to the victim as he punched his pin code into an ATM machine in Paris.

As he stared at one, the other then withdrew 300 euros from his account before the pair fled with the money.

The incident was captured on CCTV at the cash machine on Paris’s Left Bank, but the women could not be identified, a French police spokesman said.

“We would advise anyone withdrawing cash from a machine to focus on what they are doing and not allow themselves to be distracted, however attractive the view,” the spokesman added.

Some say that this has happened to Bubba four times. Ain’t true. He says it has only happened three times by the same girls, but he is at the bank’s ATM right now waiting for the fourth time.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Randy Montana – Ain’t Much Left Of Lovin’ You

Redneck Video of the Week:

World’s Strongest Redneck Doin’ Hedges

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

What We Are Saying – Part 2

Pass The Buck

Anyone who avoids making a decisions or accepting responsibility is said to pass the buck. This all starts from the old days of card playing in which a piece of buckshot is placed before someone who has the deal. The dealer has a lot of responsibility on determining the game’s format. If a cautious player doesn’t want to take on this responsibility, he’s allowed to “pass the buck” to the next player who will be the dealer.

Beat Around the Bush

This comes from boar hunting in which the noblemen hired workers to walk through the woods beating the branches and making noises to get the animals to run towards the hunters. Boars were dangerous animals with razor sharp teeth (you really don’t want to meet one on one with no weapon). So the unarmed workers avoided the dense undergrowth where the boar might be and beat around it rather than going into it. Thus, this evasive technique was termed “beating around the bush” and today represents anyone who avoids approaching anything directly.

Red Letter Day

Back in the old days, calendars were only made (or seen) by monks and made by hand in monasteries or convents. Scribes often emphasized days of Saints or other important events by using reddish ink made from ocher (a mineral of oxide of iron). A quick look at the calendar instantly showed all the red marks from the black, so that preparation or anticipation of those days could be acted upon. Today, we consider a “red letter day” as any important day to us in our lives such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, or the beginning of vacation or ending of school years. Some even have them mark special emotional times such as first dates, births of babies, pay raises, etc.

Old Stomping Ground

The prairie chicken was often observed by early settlers dancing around at dawn with their fancy mating steps, making noises and strutting as part of their courtship with the females. There were so intense on this, they actually wore some areas of the ground completely bare. Soon, settlers could just tell by looking at some bare land that it was the mating spots for those frisky prairie chickens, and soon got called the “old stomping grounds”. Today the term is used both for areas when males and females gather to meet each other and for any place in which a group of people go to have fun and kick up their heels.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Well done is better than well said.”

Benjamin Franklin
US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 – 1790)

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Posted by    Date: Wednesday, August 18, 2010

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Issue 98

Redneck Ramblins

  • Anybody notice that the gummit-owned GM bought out AmeriCredit so that it can offer sub-prime loans to those that have trouble getting auto financing anywhere else? Isn’t doing the same thing with home loans what got us into all this economic mess?
  • The White House proclaims that 70% of the oil in the Gulf is gone. They are trying to spin it to make it seem that everything is okay again. However, if their numbers are correct, what’s left in the water is still almost five times the amount spilled by the Exxon Valdez in 1989!
  • You lie to Congress and it is perjury. Congress lies to us and it is politics.
  • I wish we could vett the Senators like they vett nominees that come in front of them.
  • I think the weathermen went on vacation. I looked at the 10 day extended forecast and each day is “Hot, highs 102-104 lows 80-81 and 0% chance of rain”. At least they have a chance of being right for a change.
  • What do you call a busload of poLIEticians going over a cliff? A good start!
  • Bubba says that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Tom Hicks, former owner of the Texas Rangers, sure sounds good!
  • God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

British Engineers Develop Poop-Powered Car

poop powered car

This new British car blows the opposition away – it’s powered by human poo.

The Bio-Bug has been converted by UK engineers to run on methane gas.

Excrement flushed down the loos (toilets) of just 70 homes is enough to drive it 10,000 miles – a year’s average motoring.

The two-litre VW Beetle convertible is said to be the first gas-powered car that does not suffer reduced performance.

Mohammed Saddiq of Bristol-based sustainable energy firm GENeco, which developed the prototype, says it will pave the way for a green motoring revolution.

He boasts that it drives like a conventional car and will “blow away” electric models.

Just think, with all the gummit BS, everybody could drive forever!

Headlines

Heat advisory has been extended through 9 p.m. Friday

Which Friday?

Manufacturing trickles back to U.S.

Good for two things: (1) puts Americans back to work (2) gets quality back in the products. No more junk from China.

Alabama opens at No. 1 in USA TODAY Coaches’ poll

Roll Tide Roll!

Boomers face limited work options past retirement

And pre-retirement too! Just ask all of those that are laid off!!!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, ’cause everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.  I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much. I do, too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.  Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.  I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children.  So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.  She sent me back to the principal’s office again.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.  Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders”.

Guess where I am now…

Redneck Picture of the Week

Works for Me!

berr bottle cap faucet

Racin’

Good road race last weekend at the Glen. Montoya won his second race in his career. The other was at Sonoma, another road course.

This week Michigan is the home of the good ol’ boys. A wide two mile track that has plenty of passin’ room.

The picks:

  1. Kasey Kahne
  2. Greg Biffle
  3. Jeff Burton
  4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla., Aug. 3 (UPI) — Police in Florida say a man who called 911 to ask for a ride to the liquor store wound up arrested for misuse of 911 and possession of marijuana.

The St. Augustine Police Department said George McMurrian, 57, called 911 twice Saturday from his room at the Budget Inn and asked for a ride to the liquor store, First Coast News reported Tuesday.

Officers visited McMurrian’s room after the second call and told him he would be arrested if he continued to call 911 for non-emergencies.

Police said they returned to McMurrian’s room after receiving a third call from the location and the caller hung up. Officers saw marijuana in his room and he was arrested on charges of misusing 911 and marijuana possession, police said.

Ain’t true that 911 is the phone number for Yellow Cab.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Pretty Good at Drinkin’ Beer — Billy Currington

Redneck Video of the Week:

Amazing ‘Spiderman’ Catch in Japanese Baseball League

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

What Are We Saying?

Ax to Grind

Benjamin Franklin published a lot of stories, one of which he was the central character. Franklin was approached by a stranger who stopped to admire the family grindstone. He asked to be shown how it worked and offered Ben an ax to demonstrate. Once his ax was sharp the stranger walked off laughing. Today “having an ax to grind” means that someone has a hidden motive behind their actions.

No Spring Chicken

New England chicken farmers discovered that chickens born in the spring brought better prices, rather than old birds that had gone through the winter. Sometimes farmers tried to sell the old birds as new spring born chickens. Smart buyers often complained that a tough fowl was “no spring chicken” and so the term is now used to represent birds (and even people) past their plump and tender years.

Bushed

When you are totally exhausted you often say you are “bushed”. The term came from the Dutch settlers for the wilderness, but modified by the English to “bush”. Clearing away forests was hard work and they often proclaimed after carving out a trail that they were bushed (exhausted).

To Let Your Hair Down

Back in Napoleonic days, the nobility of Paris were highly condemned if they appeared in public without a hairdo that was pretty elaborate. This meant hours of work and lots of hairpins. It was only when they got home could they take all those pins out and relax. Of course when the pins came out, the hair fell down. Thus, letting your hair down soon became a phrase to represent being relaxed.

A Big Wig

Normal British citizens didn’t even own a wig, let alone wear one. But all lawyers and members of the court did. So, they stuck out in a crowd. Of course the judge was clearly obvious because he wore a large, powdered wig, and also had a lot of authority. So, today, anyone who has any kind of power or authority is called a “big wig”.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one. “
–Lewis Grizzard

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Posted by    Date: Tuesday, August 10, 2010

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Issue 97

Redneck Ramblins

  • Rangel is accused of 13 ethics violations and Obama wants him to end his career with “dignity”?
  • Hey there, BP. Changing your brand from BP to Amoco will not fool people.
  • Good to see that Farve has decided to stay retired. Retirement is a good thing. (Reprinted from Issue 47).
  • Brett Favre is gonna retire for the third time?  Stay retired this time. If you need retirement counseling, give me a call. I’ll teach you how it’s done, boy!
  • I have known Bubba a long time and have never seen him jealous. Even the time that his dad finished the fifth grade before he did.
  • Mrs. Redneck and I just celebrated our 35th anniversary and I must admit that I married her for her looks. Just not the looks she has been giving me since I retired.
  • Chelsea’s wedding really costs $3 million? Really?
  • And to think that not long ago Hillary was having trouble paying off her campaign debts.
  • God bless American and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Stimulus Money Being Wasted

Dance and ants. Dogs and dinosaurs. Windows for an abandoned building; new sidewalks replaced by newer sidewalks; and, a facelift for a fort few can reach.

According to a report released Tuesday by two Republican Senators, these are just a few of the questionable projects being funded with money from President Obama’s $862 billion dollar economic stimulus package.

One of the report’s authors, Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma said, “There is no question the stimulus bill has had a positive effect on the economy to a certain degree and… our criticism is, it could have had a far greater effect.”

Coburn claims common sense would dictate that stimulus money is wasted or mismanaged on the 100 projects outlined in a report he co-authored with Arizona’s John McCain titled “Summertime Blues.”

Among the projects singled out for criticism in the report:

–A half million dollars for new windows at the Mt. St. Helens visitors center in Amboy, Washington. The building has been closed since 2007 and there are no immediate plans to reopen it.

–$6.9 million dollars for repairs to an 1846 brick fort marooned on Dry Tortuga at the end the Florida Keys. Few people can visit this remote national park unless they hire a seaplane or take a four-hour round-trip boat ride.

–Creating a museum in an abandoned train station in Glasboro, NJ, at the cost of $1.2 million.

–$2 million dollars to send researchers from the California Academy of Sciences to islands in the Indian Ocean to study exotic ants.

–A study of dog domestication at Cornell University with a price tag of $296-thousand dollars.

–$141-thousand dollars to send students from Montana State University to China to study dinosaur eggs.

–$762-thousand dollars to create interactive choreography programs at the University of North Carolina. Dancers would wear electronic monitors to analyze their movements.

–$89-thousand dollars to replace sidewalks in Boynton, Oklahoma that were just replaced five years ago. One of them goes nowhere near any houses or businesses and leads directly into a ditch.

Coburn and McCain claim these and other projects are misconceived and mismanaged, while creating few, if any, new jobs.

As Senator McCain put it: “The stimulus package was supposed to create jobs. Unemployment was going to be 8%. That’s what the president said. That’s what his chief economic advisor said. That’s what the Secretary of the Treasury said when they sold this debt to the American people. It does not create jobs.

The Obama Administration disagrees. In July, the White House announced that about three million new jobs have been saved or created by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, as the stimulus package is officially titled.

Vice President Joe Biden insisted, “The economic initiatives that we took, they are working.”

Noting that the report from Coburn and McCain comes just months before the mid-term elections, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs suggested “Summertime Blues” isn’t really about jobs. He said, “I think… this has much more to do with politics.”

The whole mess is about politics!

Headlines

Drinking Rate Edges Up Slightly to 15-Year High…

These poLIEticians, they be driving us to drinkin’.

IDOLS LOSING THEIR SHINE…

If they go to Jumior Johnson, he will sell them more. He’s got the best in Wilkes County.

105 to 107 degrees in North Texas today? But, hey, it’s a dry heat .

Still don’t have to shovel it and it keeps the Yankee count down. It is still not as bad as it was back in the summer of 1980, when we didn’t have global warming.

CDC: 30% obese in 9 states in South

That’s because nobody eats as good as we do. If we could get the mosquitoes to suck fat instead of blood, we could solve this thing.

Redneck Joke of the Week

There’s a little redneck fellow named Bubba who hangs out at Martin’s Convenience Store. Mr. Martin, the owner hasn’t figured out what Bubba’s problem is, but the boys ’round town like to tease him. They say he’s not hittin’ on all eight… just not too bright.

As evidence, often they’ll offer lil’ Bubba his choice between a nickel and a dime. Now Bubba, he always takes the nickel… They say, because it’s ‘bigger’ and they all get a big chuckle.

One afternoon, just after Bubba grabbed his nickel, Mr. Martin pulled him off to one side and said, “Bubba, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Bubba sorta grinned and said, “Well, if I took the dime, reckon they’d quit doing it!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Texas Motorcycle Seat

txmotorcycle seat

Racin’

Greg Biffle won an exciting Pocono race. At least the end was exciting; the middle was good for a 1 ½ hour nap.

This week is the road course at Watkins Glen. The picks:

  • Tony Stewart
  • Marcos Ambrose
  • Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Police: Wendy’s robber complains about skimpy haul

The Associated Press

ATLANTA — Police say a man who robbed a fast-food restaurant with a gun was so mad about the amount of loot that he called back twice to complain.

The man walked up to the drive-through window of an Atlanta Wendy’s late Saturday night, wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He demanded the cash drawer, grabbed it and ran away.

But police say he later called the fast food restaurant to complain about the amount of cash.

Police say in one call he said that “next time there better be more than $586.”

He called again with a similar complaint.

Ain’t true that even crooks are doing good in this economy. (Unless you are elected)

Redneck Song of the Week:

Jamey Jamey Johnson – In Color

<

Redneck Video of the Week:

Dem Leader: Expiration of Bush Tax Cuts is ‘Republican Tax Increase’

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

How to Stop a Church Gossip

country church

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Earl, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s
only bar one afternoon. .

country bar

She emphatically told Earl (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Earl, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away.He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

country house

Later that evening, Earl quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house …walked home…. . .and left it there all night !!!

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’
- Theodore Roosevelt

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Posted by    Date: Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Categories: Weekly Ramblings

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Issue 96

Redneck Ramblins

  • If you are lucky enough to be from the South, then you are lucky enough.
  • Had a great time on vacation last week, but man is it tiring. A lot more than retirement is.
  • 100 days since the Deep Horizon oil disaster started, and BP seems only worried about its shareholder value.
  • I am doing my part to save the Postal Service. Every time I get junk mail with a business reply envelope, I load it up with all of my junk mail that doesn’t have my name or my information on it and mail it back.
  • Bubba got a 4.0 in college. Not his GPA, but his blood alcohol level.
  • Saw a car this morning that had a bumper sticker that said “God is my co-pilot”. The way she was driving, she better switch seats with Him.
  • The President went on the “View” this week instead of attending the Boy Scouts’ 100 Year Celebration at their National Jamboree. Bad move. The 250,000 in attendance are voters or will be in a few years.
  • I am bilingual. I speak fluent redneck and English is my second language.
  • College football season is just a little over a month away.
  • God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Bell, California: City Manager $800,000, Police Chief $450,000, City Council $100,000

I’m moving to Bell, California and running for City Council. A report by the LA Times sparked a protest at last night’s council meeting when it was learned that the Bell, California city manager makes nearly $800,000 dollars annually. That’s not all, the police chief of the 38,000 resident Town makes over $450,000 per year and each city council member rakes in $100,000 for their part time gig. Good work if you can get it.

Bell is a mostly Hispanic town of just under 40,000 people about 10 miles southeast of Los Angeles. At the City Council meeting last night it was like the final scene of Frankenstein, pitchforks and torches. The crowd showed up to call for the resignations of the Mayor, City Manager, and other city officials.

When the crowd arrived and began to fill the venue, council members adjourned for a private session. The attorney for the city said they were not allowed to talk about salaries without advance notice. At one point the Fire Department wanted to cancel the meeting because the crowd had become so large they were blocking the door. The “brave” city council returned saying that they would have a report on salaries at the next meeting and they would take public comments at that time. Somebody please get a video. The meeting will be held July 26th.

The Los Angeles County DA has opened an investigation into the Bell, California city officials pay. State Assemblyman Hector De La Torre says that state law limits council member’s salaries to several hundred dollars per month. I don’t think that adds up to nearly $100,000 per year. You can read more about this abuse of power here.

The Mayor of Bell, California said in an interview that “Our streets are cleaner, we have lovely parks, better lighting throughout the area, our community is better. These things just don’t happen; they happen because he had a vision and made it happen.” Yep, that should fix it.

Probably the most outrageous of all is the Bell, California City Manager’s $800,000 per year salary; not to mention his automatic 12% raise annually. Chief Administrative Officer Robert Rizzo earns $787,637 to be exact. While the Police Chief pulls in $457,000, way more than even the Los Angeles Police Chief.

Headlines

Tiger on the loose in South African neighborhood

I thought he was supposed to be practicing for the PGA.

Investigators Recommend Rangel Get Slap On Wrist

That is because the investigators are House members also and that is what they want when they get caught.

WikiLeaks disclosures are a ‘tragedy’

Understatement of the year!

Al Gore won’t face prosecution in sexual assault allegation

“I did not have sexual relations with that women”…………Learned from the best!

Redneck Joke of the Week

A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man´s testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work”

The German doctor comments:”That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person´s head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work”

A Russian doctor says: That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person´s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The US doctor answers immediately: That´s nothing colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls….we put him as President and now….the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Rednecks Got Holdof Air Force One

redneck-air-force-one

Racin’

Jamie McMurray won at Indy last week to add to his Daytona 500 victory. Good year for the kid that Roush let get away.

This week is the second race at Pocono – the triangle track with three distinct turns. The picks:

  1. Denny Hamlin
  2. Tony Stewart
  3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

BETHLEHEM, Pa. – An eastern Pennsylvania woman has been cited for harassment after her son told police she cleaned the bathroom with his toothbrush, then returned it to its holder.

Police in Lower Saucon Township say 52-year-old Deborah Woist decided on July 18 that a bathroom inside her home needed a good scrubbing because it hadn’t been cleaned in two months.

Her 26-year-old son, Justin Novack, says the scrubbing was done with his toothbrush. He says his mother put it away when she was done.

Ain’t true that this was such a bad thing. She used the bathroom cleaner that says that it kills 99.9% of germs.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Tim McGraw – Still (Official Music Video)

Redneck Video of the Week:

Cledus T. Judd – I Love Nascar!

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Economic Terms

RECESSION IS WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR LOSES HIS JOB

DEPRESSION IS WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR JOB AND

RECOVERY IS WHEN THE “POLIETICIANS” LOSE THEIRS

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
- Dr. Seuss

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Posted by    Date: Friday, July 30, 2010

Categories: Weekly Ramblings

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Issue 95

Redneck Ramblins

  • The LeBron thing got more media attention than stuff that really mattered.
  • Interestingly, his 1 hour show on ESPN got better ratings than 95% of NBA games, including the championship finals.
  • Bubba finally mowed his yard this week. Found four cars.
  • Just to add more proof that those in DC don’t know what they are doin’, read this: Two years ago this Wednesday (7/14/08), Barney Frank, the chairman of the House Financial Services committee stated “Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are fundamentally sound.  I think they are in good shape going forward” (source: BusinessWeek).
  • We may not be able to fix stupid, but we sure can vote it out of office.
  • Bubba says that it is the heat and the humidity!
  • Retirement is tiring so me and Mrs. Redneck are taking a vacation next week. Don’t know if there will be a post of the blog next week. Depends…
  • The news this week that Dick Chaney had heart surgery was a real shock to some people. They didn’t think he had a heart.
  • Clinton and Obama are meeting on what to do with the economy. Two wrongs don’t make a right!
  • God bless American and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Eight is enough: Octopus retires

soc_g_octopaul_300

Monday, July 12, 2010 Associated Press

BERLIN — No more World Cup, no more octopus oracle.

Paul, the octopus who became a pop culture sensation by correctly predicting the outcome of as many World Cup matches as he has legs — all seven of Germany’s games plus the Spain-Netherlands final — is going to retire.

The intuitive invertebrate will “step back from the official oracle business,” Tanja Munzig, a spokeswoman for the Sea Life aquarium in Oberhausen, told AP Television News.

“He won’t give any more oracle predictions — either in football, nor in politics, lifestyle or economy,” she said. “Paul will get back to his former job, namely making children laugh.”

However, Paul took one last curtain call on Monday. Aquarium employees presented the octopus with a golden cup — similar to the official World Cup trophy.

Although the cup was garnished with three mussels, Paul ignored it for several minutes as it was lowered into his tank.

He finally picked off one mussel and devoured it in front of television cameras.

Paul won worldwide attention as he called all of Germany’s games correctly — including its semifinal defeat by Spain. He crowned his career by forecasting correctly that Spain would beat the Netherlands in Sunday’s final.

Headlines

Obama spokesman: Dems could lose House…

Most encouraging thing this administration has said.

Max Papis Likes Bootie

And he likes his crew chief Bootie Barker too!

T.O. concerned teams think he’s a troublemaker

May be because you are?

BP: Well could be contained today if cap works

Haven’t we heard this line before?

Harry Reid: No Illegal Immigrants Do Construction Work In Nevada…

Wanna bet?

Redneck Joke of the Week

Redneck Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two redneck airplane mechanics named Billy Bob and Jim Bob work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Billy Bob and Jim Bob have nothing to do. After work Billy Bob and Jim Bob usually have a drink on their way home, so Billy Bob says to Jim Bob, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.”

Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Billy Bob calls Jim Bob and says, “How are you feeling?”

Jim Bob says he’s fine, never felt better. Billy Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?”

Jim Bob says no. Then Jim Bob says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.”

Then Billy Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Jim Bob. Have you farted yet?”

Jim Bob says, “No, why?”

Billy Bob says, “I’m calling you from Detroit!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Obama profiling

Racin’

David Reutimann won Chicago in convincing fashion. He now has more wins in the last 55 races than J. Gordon, Dale Jr., Biffle, Edwards, Bowyer and J.Burton combined. Wow!

No racin’ this week on the Cup side. The next race is the Brickyard in Indy.

Ain’t True

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — A 47-year-old man’s friends set his prosthetic leg on fire after he lost a drinking bet, causing him to suffer severe burns to his buttocks and lower back. Dona Ana County sheriff’s deputies found the man naked on the side of U.S. Route 70 with his prosthetic leg in flames. Deputies learned that the man and his friends were drinking Monday and bet that whoever drank the least would be set on fire.

The man told investigators that at six beers, he drank the least, and agreed to let his friends set him on fire.

He said his friends ignited his prosthetic leg, and the flames spread to his body.

The sheriff’s office said the man took his clothes off because of the pain and his friends decided to take him to the hospital. But they got nervous and instead dropped him off on the side of the highway.

The man was taken to a Texas burn treatment center.

Ain’t true that it ever a good idea to make bets while drinking.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Lee Greenwood-Dixie Road

Redneck Video of the Week:

Top 10 Low Pass Flybys of All Time

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Etiquette

Personal Hygiene

  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s “own” truck keys.
  • Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
  • The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or a banker.
  • It’s recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and underarms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in these body regions attractive.
  • Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Fashion

  • Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of understated elegance but never before April.
  • No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers. And hip waders are not considered dress pants.
  • As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a single phrase: No collar, no tie.

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  • In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks, operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than someone getting sick or sentimental at the table.
  • While okay at home, it’s considered crass to ask, “Are you gonna eat the rest of that meatloaf?” Especially if you don’t know the person.
  • Many establishments frown on the use of a “doggie bag” at an all-you-can-eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
  • Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Out For The Evening

  • Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don’t know anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking the ice:
    • My old lady wants to get to know you.
    • I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
    • Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
    • How long have you had that thing on your nose?
    • Is that a new tattoo?
    • When’s your parole up?

Entertaining In Your Home

  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are.
  • Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
  • Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and what’s not okay to spit in.
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
  • Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears on the TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
  • If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such as, “Ya’ll are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent.”

Dating (Outside the Family)

  • Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Shower her with compliments: “You ain’t near as ugly as your sister.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
  • If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
  • Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.

Theater Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese recipe.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

Weddings

  • Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get you cut.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
  • For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid Saturdays since that’s square dancing night.
  • When going through the receiving line, it’s proper to say something nice to the bride such as, “Your baby is real cute.”
  • If someone asks where the bride is registered, do not answer, “The American Kennel Club.”
  • Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
  • How many bridal attendants should the bride have? One for each of her kids.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  • Never play Chinese fire drill with handicapped passengers, especially if parked on a hill.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  • Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  • When traveling with your family, try to keep their “mooning” of other drivers to a minimum.
  • Remember that the median is not a passing lane.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

  • Don’t make company sleep on dirty sheets. Give them directions to the laundromat.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more embarrassing than hearing Junior say, “We ain’t seen Daddy in eight days, and Mama’s too drunk to come to the phone.”
  • At a baby shower, never ask, “Do you have any idea who the father is?”
  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
  • One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their kids at the local kennel.
  • At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, “He looks so natural – like he just got drunk and passed out.”
  • No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
  • Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
  • Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. “
–Douglas Adams

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Posted by    Date: Thursday, July 15, 2010

Categories: Weekly Ramblings

Tags:

Issue 94

Redneck Ramblins

  • Heard that South African police have detained Paris Hilton. What will it take to get you to keep her?
  • The Auburn coaching staff is out looking for recruits with some speed, but everywhere they go the see signs that say “Slow Children At Play”
  • Must be summer. We are constantly hearing about whether Farve will play or not.
  • Bubba spent an entire hour this morning staring at the orange juice container because it said concentrate.
  • I don’t shoot in the 90’s anymore. If it gets hotter than that, I don’t play golf.
  • Saw where Lindsay Lohan got 90 days in jail and another 90 in rehab. Anyway to keep her out of our sight longer?
  • No sympathy for my NE friends who are having a little heat wave. Texas is that way from April thru September.
  • Am I supposed to feel giddy about BP saying that they are going to stop the flow of oil in the Gulf a couple of weeks early? Didn’t they say they were going to stop the flow in May and again in June?
  • Bubba went on a little vacation last week. He wonders how the gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

RALEIGH, N.C. – Some guys have all the luck.

And then there’s Rick Oliver, who might be one of the unluckiest men in North Carolina,
if not the world.

Oliver was mauled by a bear in his otherwise peaceful front yard a few weeks ago.

“It was like getting struck by lightning,” he said.

Turns out, Oliver might be one of the few people in the world capable of accurately
making the bear-lightning analogy.

And for Oliver, 51, the two incidents seem to go hand in hand.

Ever since he was struck by lightning in 2006, Oliver says, he’s had trouble sleeping.

On restless nights, he tends to putter about his farm, checking on his chickens, working
on his tractors and, as he was in the wee hours of June 3, fixing up his Chevy Malibu.

About 2 a.m., he heard a distant rustling on his 17-acre spread in an unincorporated
sliver of Wake County between Cary and Raleigh.

As he turned to investigate, he was dealt a heavy blow. “I heard this strange huffing,”
Oliver said. “And the next thing I know I had been run over and stepped on by a bear.”

The black bear’s claws gouged his wrist so deep that when he first took off his bandage,
blood spewed onto his farmhouse floor. “Like a hose,” he said.

“That was when my daughter said, Dad we need to take you to the emergency room.’ ”

The biggest cut was so deep and wide that doctors at WakeMed couldn’t sew it up. So
doctors bandaged up Oliver and told him to keep pressure on the lacerations.

Nature 2, Oliver 0.

“He’s a little unlucky,” said Cameron Rhodes of Cary, who was married by Oliver at Piney Plain United Church of Christ in Cary, where Oliver is a minister. “But he’s even more lucky he has survived both of them.”

The chances of being attacked by a bear are rather slim, biologists say.

Between 2005 and 2009, only nine people were killed by bears in the United States,
according to the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission.

Headlines

Postal Service to raise rates?

How to lose the rest of your business. How about finding ways to increase your volume or ways to cut costs?

Why morning people rule the world

Because night people are asleep and when they wake up, it’s party time. Duh?

Hundreds Of Fishermen Missing Checks From BP

You mean that BP and Obama lied?

Obama: Israelis suspicious of me because my middle name is Hussein

That and you appear to not know what you’re doing.

Redneck Joke of the Week

redneckfamily

A Tennessee couple – Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave ‘fixed’. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this?

Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Redneck Picture of the Week

If They Are Nothing Else, Race Fans Are Patriotic

Goodyear 4th of July Tires

Goodyear’s Support the Troops Tires

Racin’

So cool to see the Wrangler 3 car back on the track and especially in Victory Lane! Old School………Amazingly he qualified P3, took the lead on lap 3 and won in the 3 car on the 3rd day of July!

wrangler 3 in Victory Lane

The Firecracker 400 (old school name, but now known at the Coke Zero 400) was fast and furious especially when the big one took out 20 cars with 12 to go. Harvick won it in a green-white-checker finish.

Now to Chicagoland Speedway. The picks:

  1. Tony Stewart
  2. Kevin Harvick
  3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla., June 24 (UPI) — A Florida woman accused of starting an office fire to get sent home early with pay pleaded guilty to criminal mischief.

The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said Michelle Perrino, 40, drew suspicion during a meeting of Bayonet Point Oxygen employees when she mentioned the May 12, 2009, fire had started in a filing cabinet before workers had been informed of the fire’s origins, the St. Petersburg Times reported Thursday.

Investigators said a friend of Perrino told them she had admitted to tripping the main circuit breaker and adjusting phones to block incoming calls in bids to go home early without sacrificing the day’s pay.

Perrino was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment followed by 5 years of probation. She was also ordered to pay Bayonet Point Oxygen $4,800 in restitution and banned from contacting the company or its employees.

Starting a fire to get you out of work gets you out of work – like you’re fired. Not true that it will get you out of prison.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Rodney Atkins — About the South

Redneck Video of the Week:

Red Skelton’s Pledge of Allegiance

from his television show in 1969

<

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A New Dr. Seuss Book

Dr. Suess

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan,

I do not like this ‘YES WE CAN’.

I do not like this spending spree,

I’m smart, I know that nothing’s free,

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it you BIG Dope.

I do not like it NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The Weakest Link is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.”

-Jay Leno

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Posted by    Date: Thursday, July 8, 2010

Categories: Weekly Ramblings

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