Posts Tagged ‘Barry Bonds’

Issue 148

Redneck Ramblins

• I just got background checked for the 5^th time this year. The different organizations should just check with Santa Claus. He knows who has been naughty and nice.
• The Iraq War is over for the US, but unfortunately the war ain’t over.
• Cletus is trying to get hold of Santa. He wants to know names of the naughty girls.
• If at first you do not succeed….at least have someone video it for YouTube.
• Help! I Tebowed and I can’t get up.
• Y’all have got to watch Rocket City Rednecks on the National Geographic Channel. These rednecks are real rocket scientist during the week in Huntsville, AL and on the weekends invent great redneck stuff. It is a hoot
• Lying, obstruction, perjury and misleading investigators plus illegal drug use only gets you probation and home confinement? No wonder punishment for breaking the law is not a deterrent anymore.
• Gonna take a break from blogging the next couple of weeks to enjoy family and THE reason for the season. Y’all do the same.
• Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Dear Santa: Give me Bieber or I’ll kill you

A 13-year-old British girl shocked her mother by asking Santa Claus for a bunch of presents — including “the real-life Justin Bieber” — and threatening to kill Santa if he refuses to deliver.

Metro UK reported this week that the girl, Mekeeda Austin, who lives in Brickhill in Bedford, also threatened to “hunt down” Santa’s reindeer so she could “cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day.”

The girl said she was mostly joking.

“I don’t really believe in Santa anymore, but I was angry because I thought I wasn’t going to get all the presents I wanted this year,” she said.

Tweet of the Week

AmericanHumor American Humor

The Japanese have bought everything in America except the politicians. They’d buy those too, but they prefer quality products.

Headlines

Obama: Don’t raise taxes, shut down government

Sounds like a plan to me!

Why not get a bachelor’s degree in 3 years?

Because you will not be able to find a job when you graduate?

Ex-Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac execs charged

‘Bout time!

Barry Bonds gets probation, home confinement

2 years probation and 30 days confinement in a Beverly Hills mansion? Heck, drivers have gotten worse sentences this year for criticizing  NASCAR on Twitter.

SEVERE DROUGHT LEAVES TEXAS WITH 600K FEWER CATTLE

Less BS too!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,

While visions of  tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.

Muh daughter weren’t  home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick

I said, “Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS!  On ELMER!  On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

“MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL… YEE HAWWWW!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba and Earl Dun Decorated

Redneck Song of the Week:

Redneck Christmas–Ray Stevens

Redneck Video of the Week:

Joe Diffie – Leroy The Redneck Reindeer

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Christmas Gift Ideas – Redneck in a Box

Getya a 24 can camo cooler from Bass Pro and fill the cooler with some of the following;

WD-40. According to the WD-40 website, there are over 2000 uses for this handy solvent. WD-40 removes sap, tar, adhesives, labels and tape from surfaces without damaging existing paint. It’s an effective cleaner for tools, equipment, and vehicles. It can be used to remove splattered bugs from the front of cars.

Camouflage duct tape. Duct tape is the “Handyman’s Secret Weapon” some Redneck uses include using on cars to hold together, patching boats, gutters or hoses. Duct tape can be used instead of nuts, bolts, glue, staples or propane tanks and solder.

Truck fresheners. Make your own with some felt scrapes and essential oil. Cut out a shape from the felt, a deer head, rifle, beer can and then poke a hole in the top for a piece of string. Sprinkle the essential oil over the felt for a homemade redneck truck freshener.

Beef jerky Purchase a selection of beef jerky or deer jerky or make your own from a piece of flank steak or any of your other killins.

T-shirts. Any of these Redneck t-shirts from this Zazzle store. They have a nice selection of trashy T’s and bumper stickers perfect for any self respectin’ redneck.

A Redneck Cookbook. Print and staple the Top Ten Recipes from Paula Deen’s website

Other ideas include;

Bandanas

Camouflage license plate frame

Gummy worms, sour gummy worms, Swedish fish and fishing bobbers

Honey Buns

King of the Hill boxer shorts

A copy of Bill Engvall’s Here’s Your Sign

DVD of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour

Bass Pro has other useful additions depending on what your recipients specialty is, hunting, fishing, camping, just sitting outside drinking beer…

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             1 – 0               1.000

Season                                  267 – 94           .740

New Mexico Bowl

Wyoming loses to Temple

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Ohio loses to Utah State

New Orleans Bowl

LA – Lafayette loses to San Diego State

Beef O’Brady Bowl

Marshall loses to Fla – International

Poinsettia Bowl

LA Tech loses to TCU

MAACO Bowl

Arizona State loses to Boise State

Hawaii Bowl

Nevada loses to So. Miss

Independence Bowl

NC loses to Missouri

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl

W. Michigan loses to Purdue

Belk Bowl

Louisville loses to NC State

Military Bowl

Air Force loses to Toledo

Holiday Bowl

California loses to Texas

Champs Sports Bowl

Notre Dame loses to Florida State

Alamo Bowl

Washington loses to Baylor

Armed Forces Bowl

BYU loses to Tulsa

Pinstripe Bowl

Iowa State loses to Rutgers

Music City Bowl

Wake Forest loses to Miss State

Insight Bowl

Iowa loses to Oklahoma

Meineke Care Care Bowl

Northwestern loses to TX A&M

Sun Bowl

Utah loses to GA Tech

Fight Hunger Bowl

UCLA loses to Illinois

Liberty Bowl

Cincy loses to Vandy

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Auburn loses to VA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want – and their kids pay for it.
Richard Lamm

Issue 130

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl like to sleep. They are going to interview for jobs as air traffic controllers.
• ABC cancelled two long running soap operas this week. Now the people that watched them will have to get a life.
• How appropriate that National Stress Awareness Day falls on the same day as Tax Day.
• Wouldn’t mind paying taxes so much if I didn’t know how much is wasted.
• I can certainly identify with the McIlroy collapse in the final round of the Masters with the exception that I wish I could shoot an 80 at Augusta.
• This week is Holy week. The resurrection made all the difference.
• Barry Bonds was convicted on one count, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t guilty on all accounts. What a waste of talent.
• Do you believe the poLIEticians and their proposed budget cuts? I didn’t think so.
• Been a year since the BP oil spill in the Gulf. Satisfied that BP took care of everything or you believing their TV ads?
• God bless America and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Georgia lemonade stand fundraiser for sick child robbed by two adults

Teenagers running a Georgia lemonade stand to raise money for a two-year-old’s medical bills were robbed by two adults.

TV station WXIA reports that 13-year-old Chelsea Edwards and two of her friends were selling lemonade Saturday to raise money for Logan Varnadoe’s medical bills and an upcoming hospital trip when a man and a woman ran up and snatched a jar containing $150.

20-year-old Gage Turner took off in a car, leaving 21-year-old Amber Umbarger behind. She was arrested on three counts of robbery by sudden snatching.

Turner was later found by police after someone reported seeing a man knocking on people’s door. He was found in a vacant apartment nearby. There was no word on whether Turner faces the same charges as Umbarger.

Varnadoe was born with a third of the normal amount of brain matter. He has had hernias and gastro-intestinal problems and his family was raising money to fund an upcoming trip to a children’s hospital in Ohio that would give him treatment that’s no longer available in the state of Georgia.

The sheriff’s office covering the case was moved by the fundraising effort and have been collecting donations to give to the family.

If any readers would like to donate to Logan’s fund, they can do so through his site on everribbon.com.

Tweet of the Week

RyanMcGeeESPN Ryan McGee

RT @espn4d Today’s feel-good story: guys arrested for robbing UGA football locker room were recruits from Columbus, Ga., on a visit. Lovely.

Georgia will probably sign them anyway.

Headlines

What Bridge Near You is Ready to Fail?

The bridge over troubled water?

Obama Unplugged: ‘You Think We’re Stupid?’

They are beyond thinking and are now more into knowing.

America’s Top Liars

Newsweek talks about Bonds, Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, but do not mention a thang about the poLIEticians.

How to Catch a Liar

Let’s see. You could use a bunch of pork or you could use a stack of votes to catch the poLIEticians.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper
sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to
Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

MWR featured the NCAA Football National Champions on their cars

at Talladega the last two years. Last year Alabama and this year Auburn.

Racin’

Texas race was won by Matt “The Brat” Kenseth.  At least it wasn’t a Busch.

Dega is next with its Noah’s Ark (2 by 2) plate racin’. Don’t necessarily like it, but it is what it is.

The picks:

1. Carl Edwards
2. Jeff Gordon
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Lady Liberty stamp shows wrong statue

WASHINGTON (AP) — Just as the post office was hoping to promote going green, it finds itself red-faced.

It turns out that a first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty is based on a photo of a Las Vegas replica of the statue.

Postal Service spokesman Roy Betts said 3 billion stamps have been printed and they won’t be pulled from the market. The 44-cent forever stamp has been on sale in coils since December and is to be released in booklet form.

The actual Statue of Liberty has appeared on more than 20 stamps previously, Betts said.

The mistake, first reported by Linn’s Stamp News, comes to light just as the Postal Service is issuing a new set of stamps urging protection of the environment by going green. Those stamps promote actions such as composting, saving water, recycling and planting trees.

In its news release in December announcing the stamp, the Postal Service said the Statue of Liberty was shown in a close-up photograph of her head and crown.

Post office press materials referring to the stamp have now been changed to say: “Raimund Linke’s close-up photograph of the Lady Liberty replica at the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada appears on the stamp art. The original Statue of Liberty stands on Liberty Island in New York Harbor.”

Linn’s, a weekly magazine for stamp collectors, noted that the stamp shows a rectangular patch on the crown of the statue. But the patch doesn’t appear on the actual statue.

In addition, the magazine said, the eyes, eyelids and eyebrows on the replica appeared more sharply defined than on the original statue and the hair was different.

Ain’t true that the United States Postal Service can get anything right.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Old Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week:

Good to See Dale Jr Having Fun Again

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Senior Texting Code

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you(or forward to those that do).

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can’t get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

Harold B. Lee
US Mormon clergyman (1899 – 1973)