Posts Tagged ‘Earl’

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

Twitter is over capacity.

Please wait a moment and try again

Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 148

Redneck Ramblins

• I just got background checked for the 5^th time this year. The different organizations should just check with Santa Claus. He knows who has been naughty and nice.
• The Iraq War is over for the US, but unfortunately the war ain’t over.
• Cletus is trying to get hold of Santa. He wants to know names of the naughty girls.
• If at first you do not succeed….at least have someone video it for YouTube.
• Help! I Tebowed and I can’t get up.
• Y’all have got to watch Rocket City Rednecks on the National Geographic Channel. These rednecks are real rocket scientist during the week in Huntsville, AL and on the weekends invent great redneck stuff. It is a hoot
• Lying, obstruction, perjury and misleading investigators plus illegal drug use only gets you probation and home confinement? No wonder punishment for breaking the law is not a deterrent anymore.
• Gonna take a break from blogging the next couple of weeks to enjoy family and THE reason for the season. Y’all do the same.
• Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Dear Santa: Give me Bieber or I’ll kill you

A 13-year-old British girl shocked her mother by asking Santa Claus for a bunch of presents — including “the real-life Justin Bieber” — and threatening to kill Santa if he refuses to deliver.

Metro UK reported this week that the girl, Mekeeda Austin, who lives in Brickhill in Bedford, also threatened to “hunt down” Santa’s reindeer so she could “cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day.”

The girl said she was mostly joking.

“I don’t really believe in Santa anymore, but I was angry because I thought I wasn’t going to get all the presents I wanted this year,” she said.

Tweet of the Week

AmericanHumor American Humor

The Japanese have bought everything in America except the politicians. They’d buy those too, but they prefer quality products.

Headlines

Obama: Don’t raise taxes, shut down government

Sounds like a plan to me!

Why not get a bachelor’s degree in 3 years?

Because you will not be able to find a job when you graduate?

Ex-Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac execs charged

‘Bout time!

Barry Bonds gets probation, home confinement

2 years probation and 30 days confinement in a Beverly Hills mansion? Heck, drivers have gotten worse sentences this year for criticizing  NASCAR on Twitter.

SEVERE DROUGHT LEAVES TEXAS WITH 600K FEWER CATTLE

Less BS too!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,

While visions of  tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.

Muh daughter weren’t  home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick

I said, “Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS!  On ELMER!  On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

“MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL… YEE HAWWWW!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba and Earl Dun Decorated

Redneck Song of the Week:

Redneck Christmas–Ray Stevens

Redneck Video of the Week:

Joe Diffie – Leroy The Redneck Reindeer

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Christmas Gift Ideas – Redneck in a Box

Getya a 24 can camo cooler from Bass Pro and fill the cooler with some of the following;

WD-40. According to the WD-40 website, there are over 2000 uses for this handy solvent. WD-40 removes sap, tar, adhesives, labels and tape from surfaces without damaging existing paint. It’s an effective cleaner for tools, equipment, and vehicles. It can be used to remove splattered bugs from the front of cars.

Camouflage duct tape. Duct tape is the “Handyman’s Secret Weapon” some Redneck uses include using on cars to hold together, patching boats, gutters or hoses. Duct tape can be used instead of nuts, bolts, glue, staples or propane tanks and solder.

Truck fresheners. Make your own with some felt scrapes and essential oil. Cut out a shape from the felt, a deer head, rifle, beer can and then poke a hole in the top for a piece of string. Sprinkle the essential oil over the felt for a homemade redneck truck freshener.

Beef jerky Purchase a selection of beef jerky or deer jerky or make your own from a piece of flank steak or any of your other killins.

T-shirts. Any of these Redneck t-shirts from this Zazzle store. They have a nice selection of trashy T’s and bumper stickers perfect for any self respectin’ redneck.

A Redneck Cookbook. Print and staple the Top Ten Recipes from Paula Deen’s website

Other ideas include;

Bandanas

Camouflage license plate frame

Gummy worms, sour gummy worms, Swedish fish and fishing bobbers

Honey Buns

King of the Hill boxer shorts

A copy of Bill Engvall’s Here’s Your Sign

DVD of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour

Bass Pro has other useful additions depending on what your recipients specialty is, hunting, fishing, camping, just sitting outside drinking beer…

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             1 – 0               1.000

Season                                  267 – 94           .740

New Mexico Bowl

Wyoming loses to Temple

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Ohio loses to Utah State

New Orleans Bowl

LA – Lafayette loses to San Diego State

Beef O’Brady Bowl

Marshall loses to Fla – International

Poinsettia Bowl

LA Tech loses to TCU

MAACO Bowl

Arizona State loses to Boise State

Hawaii Bowl

Nevada loses to So. Miss

Independence Bowl

NC loses to Missouri

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl

W. Michigan loses to Purdue

Belk Bowl

Louisville loses to NC State

Military Bowl

Air Force loses to Toledo

Holiday Bowl

California loses to Texas

Champs Sports Bowl

Notre Dame loses to Florida State

Alamo Bowl

Washington loses to Baylor

Armed Forces Bowl

BYU loses to Tulsa

Pinstripe Bowl

Iowa State loses to Rutgers

Music City Bowl

Wake Forest loses to Miss State

Insight Bowl

Iowa loses to Oklahoma

Meineke Care Care Bowl

Northwestern loses to TX A&M

Sun Bowl

Utah loses to GA Tech

Fight Hunger Bowl

UCLA loses to Illinois

Liberty Bowl

Cincy loses to Vandy

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Auburn loses to VA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want – and their kids pay for it.
Richard Lamm

Issue 147

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba doesn’t have time for procrastination. He is too busy trying to live for yesterday.
• You think you had a bad week. Ndamukong Suh was suspended by the NFL for two games for stomping on another player and then wrecked his car into a tree after reckless driving.
• Talk of Farve coming out of retirement to play for the Bears. Just say no, Brett! Stay retired!!!
• Bubba and Earl had another beer summit trying to figure out women. Earl says, “You have fake hair, fake nails, fake boobs, fake tan, and fake eyelashes but you want a real man?”
• I got an e-mail from American Airlines reminding me that I am only 58 segments from earning Platinum status – need 60 total. Don’t believe I will make it this year and better yet, don’t care. Glad to not have to travel anymore.
• Pujols will make $68,000 per day. And you wonder what is wrong with this country? #occupypujols
• Gotta take everything in life with a grain of salt. Course if you throw in a slice of lime and a shot of tequila it makes it easier to do.
• Jon S. Corzine, how in the world do lose $1.2 billion and can’t find it?
• Obama celebrated Hanukah at the White House two weeks early and lit all the candles on the Menorah.  Boy ain’t got a clue. Sad.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Dog Shoots Duck Hunter From Behind

BRIGHAM CITY, UTAH — A duck hunter is recovering from minor wounds he suffered when he was shot in the buttocks by his partner’s dog over the weekend, law enforcement authorities said on Thursday.

The 46-year-old man, who was not identified, was out hunting on Sunday with a friend and his friend’s dog, a yellow Labrador retriever named Pipper, near the Bear River Bird Refuge in the northern section of the Great Salt Lake, about 10 miles west of Brigham City, officials said.

The two hunting partners had stopped their boat in a marsh area where their duck decoys were placed to retrieve a duck they had shot, and the man laid his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of the vessel and stepped into the shallow water.

“The dog jumped into the boat and was stepping over the shotgun and made it discharge somehow.

The guy was still walking away from the boat and he took it in the buttocks,” said Box Elder County Sheriff Chief Deputy Kevin Potter.

The men called 911 and walked to a nearby road to wait for emergency assistance to arrive.

The stricken hunter was taken to Brigham City Hospital, where medical personnel removed 27 shotgun pellets from his backside. He was released a short time later.

“The direction your muzzle is pointing and all elements around add to whether accidents happen or not,” Sergeant Mitch Lane of the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources told Reuters.

Lane said the incident sounded like a “fluke” but stressed gun safety is important at all times.

Tweet of the Week

badbanana Tim Siedell

Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

Headlines

Guns are a big seller on Black Friday

They are more effective than pepper spray in getting you to the head of the line.

PELOSI: DIRT ON NEWT TO COME…

That’s all poLIEtics has come to.

Boise’s Petersen says everyone tired of BCS

Not true. The bowl committees and the BcS committee still like it.

Obama: ‘Make or break moment’ for middle class

Too late. We are already broke.

‘M-A-S-H’ star Harry Morgan dies at age 96

He was even better in Dragnet.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A redneck women had a flat tire…So she pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then she got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the women what the problem was.

The women replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The Women responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week:

Redneck Song of the Week:

I’m Gonna Miss Her – Brad Paisley

Redneck Video of the Week:

Big Wreck

An outing of luxury sports car enthusiasts in Japan ended in an expensive freeway pileup — smashing a stunning eight Ferraris, a Lamborghini and two Mercedes likely worth more than $1 million together.

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

“Taxes explained in beer”

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer & the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this :

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1

The sixth would pay $3

The seventh would pay $7

The eighth would pay $12

The ninth would pay $18

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men-the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 8 – 4               .667

Season                      266 – 94         .739

Army loses to Navy

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Politics will sooner or later make fools of everybody.
Dick Armey

Issue 146

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl want to go see a water polo match. They want to know how they get that many horses in the pool.
• Who cares that the NBA is back?
• Y’all already know that I am not a fan of the BcS. However, to keep it anywhere near credible, the best two teams have to play for the championship regardless of conference ties or rematches.
• Really sad when American Airlines has to file bankruptcy just to compete with the rival airlines that received a competitive advantage when they filed for bankruptcy.
• Suffering from acute RDD – Racing Deficit Disorder. Cure is coming in less than 3 months – Daytona 500!
• Kinky Friedman: “These are strange political times in Texas. All the blondes and the Aggies are telling Rick Perry jokes.”
• You can help create jobs by buying locally and buying American-made.
• Occupy LA left behind 30 tons of trash. Then LA had 97 mph Santa Ana winds. Is that how you redistribute?
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Car Crash Victim Saved by Loaf of Bread

Published : Saturday, 26 Nov 2011, 6:44 AM EST

(NewsCore) – A lucky Scottish woman survived what could have been a fatal car accident thanks to a loaf of bread, which projected from the back of the car and cushioned her head against the impact of the crash.

Liz Douglas, 51, said she was on her way home to Stronachlachar after a shopping trip in Glasgow — about 40 miles (64 kilometers) away — when the back end of her car began to slide, and she headed toward a telegraph pole.

The car spun around and landed on its roof, but a loaf of bread flew out of Douglas’ shopping bags in the back seat and jammed between her head and the roof.

“A medium-sliced white loaf may quite literally have saved me from serious injury or worse,” Douglas told the Stirling Observer.

She added, “I was trapped inside the car for almost an hour in total between having the accident and whilst emergency services cut me from the car. During this time, the loaf remained as a cushion and support for my head as I was upside down.”

Douglas said she kept the life-saving loaf — complete with the impression of her head still in it.

“Now we can see the funny side, but it could have been so much worse, and I’m so grateful that I managed to walk away with just cuts and bruises,” she said.
The Bread of Life?

Tweet of the Week

@PPistonePete Pistone

Kim Kardashian: “Maybe I’m Not Supposed to Have Kids” – If only her mother would have thought the same

Headlines

L.A. Wal-Mart shopper uses pepper spray to get the good deal.

The best defense is a good offense.

EURO ON THE BRINK

So is the US dollar.

Groton Town Worker Accused Of Using Water Plant To Make Moonshine

He was just reducing the US dependency on foreign oil.

Obama tackles Europe’s debt crisis

And if he fixes that maybe he will fix ours.

Kris Humphries claims marriage was ‘fraud’

Well, duh!

Redneck Joke of the Week

10 Ways To Tell If a Redneck Is Working At a Computer in Your Office

10. The mouse is referred to as a “critter.”

9. The keyboard is camouflage patterned.

8. There is a Dr. Pepper can in the CD-ROM drive.

7. The password is “bubba.”

6. The six front keys have rotted out.

5. “Winders 95″ has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

4. Outgoing faxes have cold drink stains on them.

3. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

2. The menus all have Dr. Pepper, and Royal Crown Cola options.

1. The monitor is up on blocks

Redneck Picture of the Week

Obama Says “I Need Another Term to Finish the Job”

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Made in America – Toby Keith

Redneck Video of the Week:

Made in America

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 22 – 6             .786

Season                      258 – 90         .741

West VA loses to So. Florida

Troy loses to Arkansas State

Texas loses to Baylor

New Mexico loses to Boise State

Fla – Atlantic loses to LA – Monroe

Middle Tenn loses to N. Texas

Oklahoma State loses to Oklahoma (Upset of the Week)

UNLV loses to TCU

New Mexico State loses to Utah State

So. Miss loses to Houston

Georgia loses to LSU

Clemson loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
Ronald Reagan

Issue 145

Redneck Ramblins

• Well, it is another week and another leader in the GOP polls.
• What do the Auburn Tigers and a Sand Castle have in common? They both look good until the TIDE ROLLS in.
• Did ya hear about the Auburn grads that got killed huntin’ this week? They were walking along, found tracks, and followed them. The train hit ‘em.
• Lots of upsets in college football last week, but the most upset may be the BcS.
• Bubba and Earl don’t know anybody at Penn State, but they do know lots of people in the State Pen.
• When I pulled up the AT&T U-Verse web page to pay my bill, the whole dang thing was in Spanish. That’s okay because I paid them in pesos.
• When Kurt Busch blew his transmission early in the last race, Dr. Jerry Punch from ESPN tried to interview him. TV was on commercial break and as they were standing by, KuBusch dog-cussed Punch for taking too long. To his credit, Jerry Punch just walked away and told his producers never mind. Busch and Penske Racing have since had to apologize since the incident ended up on YouTube. That’s two corporate apologizes from the Busch brothers in less than 3 weeks. Their mama and daddy have got to be proud.
• Most poLIEticians cheated in ethics class.
• Nancy Pelosi went to a health club & got one of those facial mud packs. She looked nice for a few days but then the mud wore off.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

UNION CITY, Tenn. — Police in Union City, Tenn., have charged a man with throwing a ham at his mother.

According to the Union City Daily Messenger, 37-year-old Emanual Cordell Kennedy was arrested Tuesday afternoon on a charge of domestic assault.

Brenda King, his mother, told police the two argued at her home and he hit her in the back with the ham while she was walking down a hall. She left the home and went to the police department to report it.

He could have been charged with attempted hamicide.

Tweet of the Week

MarcFeinTV Marc Fein

If u want happiness 4 an hr take a nap, 4 a day go fishing, 4 a year inherit a fortune. If u want happiness 4 life help someone @nbcdfw

Headlines

Another mess for BCS

They deserve it.

Supercommittee members brace for failure

They were doomed before they started. They are a bunch of poLIEticians! Stayed Super-Committed to their own interests.

NEWT: I’m the best debater

Who cares if you can debate? Can you lead?

Pelosi Bashes Catholics: ‘They Have This Conscience Thing’…

If you had one, maybe you would understand, Nancy!

Redneck Joke of the Week

A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt, Jr is doing. The bartender says “Junior is in 25th”. The dog jumps up, and runs around the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says “Junior is up to 10th”. The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says “Earnhardt is up to 3rd”, after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times The bartender says “WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Dale, Jr. wins?”

“I don’t know”, says the man, “I’ve only had him for 3 years!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The race at Homestead for the Chase Championship was unbelievable. Tony and Carl battled to the bitter end. Holy Smoke! Wow! What a way to end a season. Best display of racin’ I have ever seen.

Don’t be sad about season ending, folks. The offseason is short. In a little more than a Kim Kardashian marriage, we’ll be back at Daytona.

Congratulations Champions:

Trucks – Austin Dillon

Nationwide – Ricky Stenhouse

Cup – Tony Stewart

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Montgomery Gentry – Where I Come From

Redneck Video of the Week:

462 MPH in the Speed Demon

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Social Media Decision Making Flowchart

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             18 – 9             .667

Season                                  236 – 84         .738

Auburn loses to Bama

This is the only game that matters, but I will pick the rest of the games just to humor you.

Texas loses to Texas A&M

Bowling Green loses to Buffalo

Tulsa loses to Houston

Arkansas loses to LSU

Louisville loses to So. Fla

UTEP loses to Cental Fla

Pittsburgh loses to WVA

Boston College loses to Miami

Texas Tech loses to Baylor

East Carolina loses to Marshall

Florida loses to Fla State

Middle Tenn loses to Fla International

GA Tech loses to Georgia

Tulane loses to Hawaii

New Mexico St loses to LA Tech

Ole Miss loses to Miss State

Duke loses to NC

Maryland loses to NC State

Iowa State loses to Okla

Clemson loses to SC

Rice loses to SMU

Memphis loses to So Miss

KY loses to Tennessee

Fla Atlantic loses to UAB

Wake Forest loses to Vandy

VA loses to VA Tech

Troy loses to WKY

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.
Gore Vidal

Issue 144

Redneck Ramblins

• In my opinion, all poLIEticians have had oops moments. Sometimes they say stuff that they can’t back up, don’t remember stuff they should say, and say stuff they shouldn’t. Remember in the last campaign when Obama said that he had visited 57 states and had one to go?
• Fall in Texas – that time of the year when you switch back and forth between the heater and the air conditioner.
• NBA = Nothing But Absurd
• I think both sides in the NBA issue have killed the golden goose. Not once have I heard either side mention the fans.
• NBA players miss 1st paychecks on 11/15: Kobe ($1,051,832 lost), LeBron ($667,603 lost), Dirk ($795,535 lost). Average player ($220,000 lost).
• US debt is now $15 trillion and still climbing. Stop the spending!
• Bubba and Earl heard about the hackers putting porn on Facebook. They are going to get a Facebook account…..as soon as they get a computer.
• Occupy OPEC. $100+ per barrel oil. Really?
• Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!  As bad as things seem sometimes, we still got lots to be thankful for.
• Congratulations to Coach K for becoming the coach with most wins in college basketball and for doing it the right way. Of course I said the same thing about JoePa.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Man in ‘I’m A Drunk’ T-shirt arrested for DWI

A man wearing a T-shirt reading “I’m A Drunk” crashed into a police car early Thursday on Long Island and is being charged with driving while intoxicated, police said.

Kevin Daly, of Coram, N.Y., was driving a 2000 Saturn on County Road 83 at about 1:45 a.m. when he hit the patrol car.

The entire message on his T-shirt reads “I’m Not An Alcoholic, I’m A Drunk. Alcoholics Go to Meetings.”

The officer, who is assigned to the Suffolk County Police Department’s alcohol fatality enforcement team, was treated for minor injuries. Coram, 22, was not hurt.

He was set to be arraigned later Thursday. It was not immediately clear whether he had a lawyer.

At least he wasn’t false advertising.

Tweet of the Week

Fehertwit David Feherty

I’ve taken up welding in my garage, not far from where I make ammunition. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Headlines

The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting, males rest

The way nature intended.

IHOP goes self-service at new San Diego location

Next you get to cook your own breakfast. Then it will be go to the hen house and collect your own eggs………

BIDEN TRANSPARENCY MEETING CLOSED TO PRESS!

What would you expect? The poLIEticians don’t really mean what they say.

How to avoid airline fees

That’s easy – don’t fly. Duh!

Redneck Joke of the Week

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and  laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the  bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to  ’clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

White flag for the 2011 season. This is the last race of the year. The championship will be decided in Homestead.

The picks:

1. Tony Stewart
2. Carl Edwards
3. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Dierks Bentley – Home

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Why Barns are Red

Red barns started in Europe hundreds of years ago. The barns would be sealed with linseed oil to protect them from the elements and to prevent the wood from rotting. The oil has a naturally tan color.

At some point, farmers started adding rust to the paint. Rust kills mold and moss that would otherwise destroy the wood. Eventually, by the 1800s, there was no real need for the paint to be red-colored but the tradition of having red barns has remained until today.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                                         23 – 8             .742

Season                                              218 – 75         .744

Memphis loses to Marshall

UAB loses to So. Miss

NC loses to VA Tech

Iowa State loses to Okla State

Miss State loses to Arkansas

Middle Tenn loses to Ark State

NC State loses to Clemson

VA loses to Fla State

KY loses to Georgia

Duke loses to GA Tech

SMU loses to Houston

Fla International loses to LA – Monroe

Ole Miss loses to LSU

UConn loses to Louisville

So Fla loses to Miami

Texas Tech loses to Mizzou

LA Tech loses to Nevada

Baylor loses to Oklahoma

Tulane loses to Rice

Texas loses to Kansas State (Upset Special of the Week)

Colorado State loses to TCU

Fla Atlantic loses to Troy

UTEP loses to Tulsa

E Carolina loses to Central Fla

Tennessee loses to Vandy

Maryland loses to Wake Forest

North Texas loses to WKY

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin

Issue 141

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl had one of their extended Beer Summits over the weekend and solved all of the world’s problems. Due to an acute case of beer amnesia, they can’t remember any of the solutions. They will have to try it again next weekend.
• Why don’t the “occupiers” go to OPEC? Oil is way over priced for no other reason than greed and opulence………….
• Bubba and Earl are thinking it’s time to replace the group in the White House with the guys down at the Waffle House.
• We need a “uniting” leader worse than bad.
• My redneck daughter fixed kids’ shoes at school using duct tape and zip ties. Proud Redneck Dad!
• The poLIEticians are tricking us and treating themselves.
• I developed an inflamation in my right eye. I tried to get the eye doctor to say that it is a severe allergic reaction to housework. She didn’t buy it. Maybe the wife of a redneck will.
• Happy Halloween!
• God bless America, our troops, and the Texas Rangers!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Cops Hunt Man Who Firebombed Taco Bell Because His Chalupas Had Too Little Meat

Georgia police are hunting for the aggrieved Taco Bell customer who threw a Molotov cocktail at the restaurant’s drive-thru window after phoning in a complaint that there was not enough meat in the chalupas he had purchased.

The bizarre incident occurred around 5 AM Sunday at a Taco Bell on North Slappey Boulevard in Albany. The small blaze did not cause injuries or damage to the building.

According to a police report, Taco Bell manager Cynthia Thompson told cops that, shortly before the firebombing, a man called the restaurant to complain about a reported meat shortage in his “two XL Chalupas.” The caller told Thompson that “after getting home realized that there was not enough stuffing inside of his chalupas, and demanded his order be corrected.”

When Thompson explained that she “could not accommodate him because the business was closing,” the man replied, “You must be one of them niggers up there.” He added, “That’s alright, I’ll just come and redecorate the place.”

Thompson said that shortly after the call she and other Taco Bell employees “could smell gasoline but was unaware of where it was coming from. They then realized the fire outside of the drive thru window.”

Investigators found the makeshift incendiary device–a “melting plastic bottle with a liquid substance still inside”–outside the Taco Bell, where a large sign beckons patrons to “Come Try The New XXL Chalupa. Bigger Is Better.”

The search for the firebomb suspect has been hampered since the video feed from the drive-thru window was of poor quality, cops reported.

Tweet of the Week

RickWarren Rick Warren

The most expensive gift you can give kids is your time.

Headlines

NCAA pushes $2K payment for student athletes

Not sure the athletes can stand the pay cut.

Beavis and Butt-Head are bringing stupid back

Stupid never left. Just look at Congress.

President Obama calls for an end to NBA lockout

Doesn’t he know he has a bigger stalemate in Congress.

Woman attacks nephew for using her toilet paper

Must not have been done reading it yet.

Redneck Joke of the Week

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Happy Halloween!

Racin’

Dega was as unpredictable as I predicted.

Martinsville short tracking this week. The picks:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Denny Hamlin
3. Mark Martin
4. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup (Unedited Version)

Redneck Video of the Week:

Jetman – Grand Canyon

The Grand Canyon was probably selected for the flight due to the great scenery.  Seems risky though with the various wind currents.  Great scenery to watch. Don’t try this at home.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=D&q=http://www.youtube.com/v/WgdIE2t8QkM%3F****

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Story from a Kansas State

Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73  just East of Sedan , KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what

was she so afraid  of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”

Seniors – Don’t mess with them.

They didn’t get old by being stupid.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             15 – 11           .577

Season                                  155 – 51         .752

Had a bad week with the pickins last week. I have recalibrated the prognosticator machine with a good lick from a hammer. Hope it is better. If not, I will go get a bigger hammer.

Rice loses to Houston

VA loses to Miami

BYU loses to TCU

Vandy loses to Arkansas

North Texas loses to Ark State

Ole Miss loses to Auburn

GA Tech loses to Clemson

Tulane loses to E. Carolina

Fla loses to Georgia

NC State loses to Fla State

Louisville loses to Syracuse

WKY loses to LA – Monroe

San Jose State loses to LA Tech

UAB loses to Marshall

Boston College loses to Maryland

LA – Lafayette loses to Middle Tenn

Kentucky loses to Miss State

Wake Forest loses to NC

Oklahoma loses to Kansas State (Upset of the Week)

Baylor loses to Oklahoma State

Tennessee loses to S. Carolina

UTEP loses to So. Miss

Kansas loses to Texas

Missouri loses to Texas A&M

Iowa State loses to Texas Tech

Tulsa loses to SMU

Memphis loses to Central Fla

Duke loses to VA Tech

Rutgers loses to WVA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of knowing u did your best to become the best that u are capable of being.

-John Wooden

Issue 137

Redneck Ramblins

• Laws without enforcement are nothing. We have too many laws and not enough enforcement.
• Deadbeats should be beat dead.
• Lots could be solved in this country by responsibility and commitment.
• The Hiney Lick Maneuver is far more effective than the Heimlich Maneuver for choking.
• Speaking of choking – how ‘bout the Red Sox and Braves epic collapses.
• I wrote a book on “How to Win Baseball Games”. Score more runs than the other team. The End.
• Which is better Five Guys or In-N-Out? Gonna take lots of investigation to determine.
• Earl though he was indecisive, but now he is not so sure.
• Another 100 degree day added to the hottest summer on record for DFW. As my Granddaddy used to say “it was hotter than the hinges of hell.”
• After 36+ years, the wife of this retired redneck still wants me……………to make the bed, wash the dishes, mop, vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, mow the lawn…..it’s nice to be wanted.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Jail or Church

BAY MINETTE, Ala. — Authorities say non-violent offenders in southern Alabama will have a new choice: Go to jail, or go to church every Sunday for a year.

WKRG-TV reports that Operation Restore Our Community begins next week.

The city judge in Bay Minette will let misdemeanor offenders choose to work off their sentences in jail and pay a fine; or go to church every Sunday for a year.

If offenders select church, they’ll be allowed to pick the place of worship but must check in weekly with the pastor and police.

If the one-year church attendance program is completed, the offender’s case will be dismissed.

Bay Minette Police Chief Mike Rowland says the program could change the lives of people heading down the wrong path. So far, 56 churches are participating.

Tweet of the Week

PaulAzinger Paul Azinger

Haas shld take the $11mil HE just EARNED & divide it among the rest of the tour. Even tho they didn’t perform as well. What do you think?

Headlines

Feds create task force to end payments to dead people after $600M paid out…

Good idea, but how will they gonna live without gummit assistance?

Cain calls Obama’s rhetoric ‘bull****’

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its probably a duck…………

Rich man to Obama: ‘Please raise my taxes’

Just for the record, that was not me!

Redneck Joke of the Week

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!

Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘

‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘

‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Dad Has Been Watchin’ Junior Again!

Racin’

Smoke smoked ‘em again in New Hampshire. Dover’s Monster Mile is up next.

The picks:

1. Kenseth
2. Smoke
3. Jimmie Johnson
4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

New York Football Coach Suspended for Taking Team to Cemetery

Published September 30, 2011 | Associated Press

A junior varsity football coach suspended for making his players lie down in a central New York cemetery as a post-defeat motivational ploy said he borrowed the idea from a pivotal scene in the 2000 Denzel Washington film “Remember the Titans.”

Craig Tice, superintendent of the Marcellus school district outside Syracuse, announced Thursday that coach Jim Marsh has been suspended for two weeks without pay for last weekend’s spur-of-the-moment stop at a rural cemetery.

Marsh’s team was returning from a loss last Saturday at neighboring Skaneateles when he had the bus pull over at a cemetery and told the 24 players to lie down between rows of graves. The coach then talked to them about the importance of playing hard.

Tice said some of the players, who were still in uniform, laid down on top of graves at St. Francis Xavier cemetery, near the Marcellus school campus 12 miles southwest of Syracuse. Some parents complained to school officials after being told by the players what had occurred.

Marsh apologized during a meeting with players and their parents at the school Thursday night, telling them he was trying to inspire the team by recreating a scene from “Remember the Titans,” which told the story of a newly integrated Virginia high school’s football team in 1971, with Washington portraying the head coach.

During one scene set at the team’s preseason camp at Pennsylvania’s Gettysburg College, the players stop for a breather in a fog-shrouded Civil War graveyard during a training run. Washington’s character uses the setting to tell his players, black and white, to “take a lesson from the dead” and start playing together as a team or face defeat.

“I tried to seize an opportunity to inspire the team with a theme from `Remember the Titans,”‘ Marsh’s statement to players and parents read. “My only thought was to bring them to a realization of what a great thing it is to be able to play football with your friends, and how great it would be to work hard and triumph the following Saturday.”

Marsh offered to resign as coach but Tice said he refused to accept it.

Tice described Marsh as a well-liked and highly regarded teacher and coach in Marcellus. Marsh was teaching classes Friday and wasn’t available for comment, Tice said.

“There were a number of critics but many more supporters” of Marsh’s graveyard ploy, Tice told The Associated Press on Friday.

Marsh offered to donate two weeks of coaching salary, $750, to the cemetery for upkeep of the grounds, the superintendent said.

The suspension has no bearing on Marsh’s job as English teacher at the Marcellus high school or his role as the coach of the school’s boys’ varsity basketball team, Tice said.

“I do not regret the message of asking players and students to give all that they have for themselves, their peers, and their community,” Marsh said in his statement. “I do not regret telling my students, my players, to be resilient when faced with challenges, to accept the responsibility for your actions, and to handle these things with class and dignity.”

The junior varsity team is being led by an assistant coach.

Ain’t true that people got any common sense left.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Eric Church – Drink In My Hand

Redneck Sign of the Week:

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WASHINGTON POLITICS!

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows,(as well as

their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.

They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of ALL primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of Baboons? Believe it or not ……. a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 21 – 8             .724

Season                      80 – 23           .777

UTEP loses to Houston

S Fla loses to Pitt

Florida loses to Bama

W Ky loses to Ark State

Baylor loses to Kansas State (Upset Special of the Week)

Wake Forest loses to Boston College

Ole Miss loses to Fresno State

Miss State loses to Georgia

NC State loses to GA Tech

Fla Atlantic loses to LA – Lafayette

Hawaii loses to LA Tech

Marshall loses to Louisville

Kentucky loses to LSU

Memphis loses to Middle TN

East Carolina loses to NC

Ball State loses to Oklahoma

Auburn loses to SC

Rice loses to So. Miss

SMU loses to TCU

Buffalo loses to Tennessee

UAB loses to Troy

Iowa State loses to Texas

Arkansas loses to TX A&M

Kansas loses to TX Tech

North Texas loses to Tulsa

VA Tech loses to Clemson

Bowling Green loses to WVA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.
J. P. Morgan

Issue 136

Redneck Ramblins

• Wish we would see as much outrage on election day as we saw against the changes on Facebook.
• There are just some countries that cannot live in a civilized society with any kind of rational governance. Why do we keep pouring trillions into these places?
• It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know what conference your school is in?
• Amazing the musical chairs games these universities are playing. It is all about the cash.
• Congress. Please cut 15% of your spending immediately. That is what your citizens have had to do for the past 3 years. Yes. 15% across the board including social security and medicare. There is enough waste and fraud in these areas to well cover the reduction without any rightful recipient suffering.
• Haven’t heard from Bubba and Earl in quite a while. Maybe they got hit by that falling satellite or maybe they are just at one of their lengthy beer summits.
• I would certainly like to see all Americans pay their fair share of taxes – even the 50% that pay no taxes at all.
• Everyone seems surprised that the market is crashing. Do you have any confidence in the economy or gummit leadership?
• I do not wish any ill will on anybody, but I do wish some of our federal government leaders would eat more cantaloupes.
• Charlie Sheen says that he really was losing just as its announcement that he is receiving a $25 million settlement? Go way please and take Lohan with you.
• Dear Sears Part Dept. Sending me an e-mail telling me my part shipped two days after I received it is a fail. Fast shipping is a win.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Horses 9, 1 and 1 finish first on Sept. 11

ELMONT, N.Y., Sept. 13 (UPI) — The Belmont Park racetrack in New York state said the first three winners on the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks bore the numbers 9, 1 and 1.

The Elmont track, which served as a staging area for workers and emergency vehicles in the days following the attacks, said horses bearing the numbers were the first three winners Sunday, the New York Post reported Tuesday.

“The odds were probably about a million to one,” said David Jacobson, the trainer at Drawing Away Stable, which owns the first two winners from Sunday.

“It’s unimaginable. We were amazed.”

The pick-three result paid $18.60 for a $2 bet, the racetrack said.

Tweet of the Week

mcuban Mark Cuban

The Most Patriotic Thing You Can Do: Bust your ass and get rich. Make a boatload of money. Pay your taxes. Lots .

Headlines

A $16 muffin? Justice Dept. audit finds ‘wasteful’ and extravagant spending

Really? In our national gummit?

Markets sink as Fed unveils stimulus plan

No more stimulation, please!

Ex-Giant: Fewell teaches how to fake injuries

Should have gotten a pro soccer player.

Last Meal -Brewer’s order of two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and a pound of barbecue with a half loaf of white bread

The ol’ boy went out fuller than a tick.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.  A few minutes later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it’s now $150.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Texas A&M vs Baylor

Racin’

Smoke smoked ‘em in rainy Chicago to start the Chase.

Loudon, New Hampshire this week.  The picks:

1. Smoke
2. Newman
3. Truex, Jr.
4. Anybody but a Busch.

Ain’t True

OKLAHOMA CITY — Authorities are warning military families about a cruel hoax. The Oklahoma National Guard was notified about an alleged incident involving two people acting as military personnel.

They allegedly told a metro woman her husband had been killed in combat.

The National Guard tells us Tinker Air Force Base alerted them to the alleged incident.

Officials report the two people showed up at her home in Oklahoma City and wanted her to sign a few papers.

The woman contacted military officials and found out her husband was fine.

The Oklahoma National Guard is now warning all military personnel.

It has posted a warning on Face book.

It says in part:

“Notification of death or serious injury will always be made by a member of the same branch of the U.S. Armed Forces as the service member. Notification officers will always be in a dress uniform and never in any type of field (camouflage) uniform. Notification officers will always present paperwork with information about the service member to include full name, date of birth, social security number and the names of family members that should be notified of the injury or death. If the family of a deployed service member believes they are the intended victim or victims of a hoax involving individuals claiming to be members of the U.S. Armed Forces, they should call the Oklahoma National Guard at (405) 228-5000 and report the incident.”

Hope they catch these low lifes. Hanging is too good for them.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brooks & Dunn - Hillbilly Deluxe

Redneck Video of the Week:

In My Seat….

(this is long, but one of the most impactful videos I have seen. Watch it ‘til the end.)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

True story and most people will never know it.

Here’s an interesting side bar. After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941, they could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California to finish what they started. The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River. Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships……all fighting the Germans. So, why did they not invade?

After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question. Their answer……they know that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them.

That’s why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.

Food for thought when next we consider gun control.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 7             .731

Season                      59 – 15           .797

NC State loses to Cincy

Central Fla loses to BYU

Arkansas loses to Bama

Fla Atlantic loses to Auburn

Rice loses to Baylor

Tulsa loses to Boise State

Clemson loses to Fla State (Upset special of the week)

Tulane loses to Duke

UAB loses to E. Carolina

Kentucky loses to Florida

LA – Lafayette loses to Fla International

Ole Miss loses to Georgia

North Carolina loses to GA Tech

North Texas loses to Indiana

LA Monroe loses to Iowa

WVA loses to LSU

Temple loses to Maryland

Kansas State loses to Miami

Bowling Green loses to Miami (OH)

LA Tech loses to Miss State

Missouri loses to Oklahoma

Vandy loses to S. Carolina

UTEP loses to S. Fla

Memphis loses to SMU

Okla State loses to Texas A&M

Nevada loses to Texas Tech

Middle TN loses to Troy

So. Miss loses to VA

Marshall loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.
Socrates

Issue 134

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba says that beer gets better with age. The older he gets, the better he likes it.
• Notice how peaceful and calm it was when Congress and POTUS were away from Washington? They didn’t mess up anything either.
• Earl just added $100 to the value of his truck. He filled it up with gas.
• My theology does not support karma, but in a couple cases I hope I am wrong.
• Happy to give a hand up, but hacked to give a hand out.
• Happy wife = happy life. Therefore, the woman formerly known as Mrs. Redneck is now known as the wife of a retired redneck.
• Presidential debates 14months from the election? Haven’t we all suffered enough already?
• You know that you are going to have a bad day when Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel shows up in your area.
• Ten years ago my hero died. The day we buried him America lost a bunch of heroes. Miss you Daddy!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Drunk Moose Found in Tree

STOCKHOLM (AP) — A seemingly intoxicated moose has been discovered entangled in an apple tree by a stunned Swede.

Per Johansson says he heard a roar from his vacationing neighbor’s garden in southwestern Sweden late Tuesday and went to have a look. There, he found a female moose kicking about in the tree. The animal was likely drunk from eating fermented apples.

With the help of police and rescue services, the 45-year-old Johansson later managed to set the moose free in part by sawing off tree branches.

But the animal appeared confused and wandered into Johansson’s garden, where she was still resting Thursday.

Other neighbors in the Goteborg suburb Saro had seen the animal sneaking around the area for days. Johansson said the moose appeared to be sick, drunk or “half-stupid.”

Bubba had that happen to him once. He blamed Earl for overserving him and sticking him in the tree.

Tweet of the Week

@THEHermanCainHerman Cain

We waited 30 months for this?

Headlines

Should Obama apologize for Hoffa ‘SOB’ remarks?

Why? They wouldn’t mean it.

Can low confidence spur recession?

Low confidence in the economy or the poLIEticians ?

Obama, Bernanke speak; markets fall…

Y’all please shut up. Us retirees can’t stand for too much more talk.

Obama asks if GOP will ‘put country before party’

Pot calling the kettle black. We need a uniter not a divider.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The RedneckTruckers

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”

Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The last race before the Chase. Richmond!

The picks:

1. Jeff Gordon
2. Denny Hamlin
3. Clint Bowyer
4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Tennessee police said they got a shock on Saturday when they discovered a wild raccoon in the car of a Parkersburg man arrested for streaking at a NASCAR event.

Joshua Greene, 27, was naked when officers arrested him in a local subdivision in Bristol, Tenn., said Bristol Police Capt. Matt Austin.

Multiple witnesses called police after Greene went streaking through Pit Row Market, where concerts were being held for the weekend’s races, Austin said.

During the investigation, officers were surprised when they saw that Greene was keeping a live raccoon confined in the backseat of his car, Austin said.

“He had it in a large plastic tote with some holes in it so it could breathe,” he said. “I wouldn’t let officers open the tote until the Wildlife Agency got there to tell us what to do with it.”

The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency was called out to safely remove the wild animal.

Greene and his girlfriend found the raccoon in nearby Warriors’ Path State Park and chased it into their car, Austin said.

“They had in their minds, for their reasons, that they were rescuing it,” he said.

Police charged Greene with public intoxication and indecent exposure. The Wildlife Agency charged him with being in possession of a wild animal.

Greene was taken to the Sullivan County Jail $1,500 bail. He was released Sunday, a Circuit Court clerk said.

Ain’t true that this is how NASCAR fans act. Most of us don’t have wild raccoons in our backseats.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Rodney Atkins – It’s America

Redneck Video of the Week:

A Tribute to 9-11

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Interesting when it’s put into a prospective that people can understand,…

Why S&P downgraded the USA’s credit rating,…..

• U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
• Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
• New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
• National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
• Recent budget cuts: $38,500,000,000

Let’s remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s a Household Budget
• Annual family income: $21,700
• Money the family spent: $38,200
• New debt on the credit card: $16,500
• Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
• Total budget cuts: $385

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 3             .864

Season                      19 – 3             .864

Arizona loses to Okla State

Fla International loses to Louisville

Penn State loses to Alabama

New Mexico loses to Arkansas

Memphis loses to Arkansas State

UAB loses to Florida

Middle Tenn loses to GA Tech

North Texas loses to Houston

Central Mich loses to Kentucky

Marshall loses to So. Miss

Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan State

Auburn loses to Miss State

W Ky loses to Navy

Rutgers loses to North Carolina

UTEP loses to SMU

Georgia loses to South Carolina

Ball State loses to So. Florida

TCU loses to Air Force (Upset Special of the Week)

Cincinnati loses to Tennessee

BYU loses to Texas

Tulane loses to Tulsa

UConn loses to Vanderbilt

Boston College loses to Central Fla

Indiana loses to Virginia

E Carolina loses to VA Tech

Wake Forest loses to NC State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shattered steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.
America was targeted for attack because we’re the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining.
Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of America — with the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could

George W. Bush.