Posts Tagged ‘Earl’

Issue 136

Redneck Ramblins

• Wish we would see as much outrage on election day as we saw against the changes on Facebook.
• There are just some countries that cannot live in a civilized society with any kind of rational governance. Why do we keep pouring trillions into these places?
• It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know what conference your school is in?
• Amazing the musical chairs games these universities are playing. It is all about the cash.
• Congress. Please cut 15% of your spending immediately. That is what your citizens have had to do for the past 3 years. Yes. 15% across the board including social security and medicare. There is enough waste and fraud in these areas to well cover the reduction without any rightful recipient suffering.
• Haven’t heard from Bubba and Earl in quite a while. Maybe they got hit by that falling satellite or maybe they are just at one of their lengthy beer summits.
• I would certainly like to see all Americans pay their fair share of taxes – even the 50% that pay no taxes at all.
• Everyone seems surprised that the market is crashing. Do you have any confidence in the economy or gummit leadership?
• I do not wish any ill will on anybody, but I do wish some of our federal government leaders would eat more cantaloupes.
• Charlie Sheen says that he really was losing just as its announcement that he is receiving a $25 million settlement? Go way please and take Lohan with you.
• Dear Sears Part Dept. Sending me an e-mail telling me my part shipped two days after I received it is a fail. Fast shipping is a win.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Horses 9, 1 and 1 finish first on Sept. 11

ELMONT, N.Y., Sept. 13 (UPI) — The Belmont Park racetrack in New York state said the first three winners on the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks bore the numbers 9, 1 and 1.

The Elmont track, which served as a staging area for workers and emergency vehicles in the days following the attacks, said horses bearing the numbers were the first three winners Sunday, the New York Post reported Tuesday.

“The odds were probably about a million to one,” said David Jacobson, the trainer at Drawing Away Stable, which owns the first two winners from Sunday.

“It’s unimaginable. We were amazed.”

The pick-three result paid $18.60 for a $2 bet, the racetrack said.

Tweet of the Week

mcuban Mark Cuban

The Most Patriotic Thing You Can Do: Bust your ass and get rich. Make a boatload of money. Pay your taxes. Lots .

Headlines

A $16 muffin? Justice Dept. audit finds ‘wasteful’ and extravagant spending

Really? In our national gummit?

Markets sink as Fed unveils stimulus plan

No more stimulation, please!

Ex-Giant: Fewell teaches how to fake injuries

Should have gotten a pro soccer player.

Last Meal -Brewer’s order of two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and a pound of barbecue with a half loaf of white bread

The ol’ boy went out fuller than a tick.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.  A few minutes later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it’s now $150.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Texas A&M vs Baylor

Racin’

Smoke smoked ‘em in rainy Chicago to start the Chase.

Loudon, New Hampshire this week.  The picks:

1. Smoke
2. Newman
3. Truex, Jr.
4. Anybody but a Busch.

Ain’t True

OKLAHOMA CITY — Authorities are warning military families about a cruel hoax. The Oklahoma National Guard was notified about an alleged incident involving two people acting as military personnel.

They allegedly told a metro woman her husband had been killed in combat.

The National Guard tells us Tinker Air Force Base alerted them to the alleged incident.

Officials report the two people showed up at her home in Oklahoma City and wanted her to sign a few papers.

The woman contacted military officials and found out her husband was fine.

The Oklahoma National Guard is now warning all military personnel.

It has posted a warning on Face book.

It says in part:

“Notification of death or serious injury will always be made by a member of the same branch of the U.S. Armed Forces as the service member. Notification officers will always be in a dress uniform and never in any type of field (camouflage) uniform. Notification officers will always present paperwork with information about the service member to include full name, date of birth, social security number and the names of family members that should be notified of the injury or death. If the family of a deployed service member believes they are the intended victim or victims of a hoax involving individuals claiming to be members of the U.S. Armed Forces, they should call the Oklahoma National Guard at (405) 228-5000 and report the incident.”

Hope they catch these low lifes. Hanging is too good for them.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brooks & Dunn - Hillbilly Deluxe

Redneck Video of the Week:

In My Seat….

(this is long, but one of the most impactful videos I have seen. Watch it ‘til the end.)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

True story and most people will never know it.

Here’s an interesting side bar. After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941, they could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California to finish what they started. The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River. Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships……all fighting the Germans. So, why did they not invade?

After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question. Their answer……they know that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them.

That’s why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.

Food for thought when next we consider gun control.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 7             .731

Season                      59 – 15           .797

NC State loses to Cincy

Central Fla loses to BYU

Arkansas loses to Bama

Fla Atlantic loses to Auburn

Rice loses to Baylor

Tulsa loses to Boise State

Clemson loses to Fla State (Upset special of the week)

Tulane loses to Duke

UAB loses to E. Carolina

Kentucky loses to Florida

LA – Lafayette loses to Fla International

Ole Miss loses to Georgia

North Carolina loses to GA Tech

North Texas loses to Indiana

LA Monroe loses to Iowa

WVA loses to LSU

Temple loses to Maryland

Kansas State loses to Miami

Bowling Green loses to Miami (OH)

LA Tech loses to Miss State

Missouri loses to Oklahoma

Vandy loses to S. Carolina

UTEP loses to S. Fla

Memphis loses to SMU

Okla State loses to Texas A&M

Nevada loses to Texas Tech

Middle TN loses to Troy

So. Miss loses to VA

Marshall loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.
Socrates

Issue 134

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba says that beer gets better with age. The older he gets, the better he likes it.
• Notice how peaceful and calm it was when Congress and POTUS were away from Washington? They didn’t mess up anything either.
• Earl just added $100 to the value of his truck. He filled it up with gas.
• My theology does not support karma, but in a couple cases I hope I am wrong.
• Happy to give a hand up, but hacked to give a hand out.
• Happy wife = happy life. Therefore, the woman formerly known as Mrs. Redneck is now known as the wife of a retired redneck.
• Presidential debates 14months from the election? Haven’t we all suffered enough already?
• You know that you are going to have a bad day when Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel shows up in your area.
• Ten years ago my hero died. The day we buried him America lost a bunch of heroes. Miss you Daddy!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Drunk Moose Found in Tree

STOCKHOLM (AP) — A seemingly intoxicated moose has been discovered entangled in an apple tree by a stunned Swede.

Per Johansson says he heard a roar from his vacationing neighbor’s garden in southwestern Sweden late Tuesday and went to have a look. There, he found a female moose kicking about in the tree. The animal was likely drunk from eating fermented apples.

With the help of police and rescue services, the 45-year-old Johansson later managed to set the moose free in part by sawing off tree branches.

But the animal appeared confused and wandered into Johansson’s garden, where she was still resting Thursday.

Other neighbors in the Goteborg suburb Saro had seen the animal sneaking around the area for days. Johansson said the moose appeared to be sick, drunk or “half-stupid.”

Bubba had that happen to him once. He blamed Earl for overserving him and sticking him in the tree.

Tweet of the Week

@THEHermanCainHerman Cain

We waited 30 months for this?

Headlines

Should Obama apologize for Hoffa ‘SOB’ remarks?

Why? They wouldn’t mean it.

Can low confidence spur recession?

Low confidence in the economy or the poLIEticians ?

Obama, Bernanke speak; markets fall…

Y’all please shut up. Us retirees can’t stand for too much more talk.

Obama asks if GOP will ‘put country before party’

Pot calling the kettle black. We need a uniter not a divider.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The RedneckTruckers

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”

Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The last race before the Chase. Richmond!

The picks:

1. Jeff Gordon
2. Denny Hamlin
3. Clint Bowyer
4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Tennessee police said they got a shock on Saturday when they discovered a wild raccoon in the car of a Parkersburg man arrested for streaking at a NASCAR event.

Joshua Greene, 27, was naked when officers arrested him in a local subdivision in Bristol, Tenn., said Bristol Police Capt. Matt Austin.

Multiple witnesses called police after Greene went streaking through Pit Row Market, where concerts were being held for the weekend’s races, Austin said.

During the investigation, officers were surprised when they saw that Greene was keeping a live raccoon confined in the backseat of his car, Austin said.

“He had it in a large plastic tote with some holes in it so it could breathe,” he said. “I wouldn’t let officers open the tote until the Wildlife Agency got there to tell us what to do with it.”

The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency was called out to safely remove the wild animal.

Greene and his girlfriend found the raccoon in nearby Warriors’ Path State Park and chased it into their car, Austin said.

“They had in their minds, for their reasons, that they were rescuing it,” he said.

Police charged Greene with public intoxication and indecent exposure. The Wildlife Agency charged him with being in possession of a wild animal.

Greene was taken to the Sullivan County Jail $1,500 bail. He was released Sunday, a Circuit Court clerk said.

Ain’t true that this is how NASCAR fans act. Most of us don’t have wild raccoons in our backseats.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Rodney Atkins – It’s America

Redneck Video of the Week:

A Tribute to 9-11

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Interesting when it’s put into a prospective that people can understand,…

Why S&P downgraded the USA’s credit rating,…..

• U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
• Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
• New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
• National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
• Recent budget cuts: $38,500,000,000

Let’s remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s a Household Budget
• Annual family income: $21,700
• Money the family spent: $38,200
• New debt on the credit card: $16,500
• Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
• Total budget cuts: $385

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 3             .864

Season                      19 – 3             .864

Arizona loses to Okla State

Fla International loses to Louisville

Penn State loses to Alabama

New Mexico loses to Arkansas

Memphis loses to Arkansas State

UAB loses to Florida

Middle Tenn loses to GA Tech

North Texas loses to Houston

Central Mich loses to Kentucky

Marshall loses to So. Miss

Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan State

Auburn loses to Miss State

W Ky loses to Navy

Rutgers loses to North Carolina

UTEP loses to SMU

Georgia loses to South Carolina

Ball State loses to So. Florida

TCU loses to Air Force (Upset Special of the Week)

Cincinnati loses to Tennessee

BYU loses to Texas

Tulane loses to Tulsa

UConn loses to Vanderbilt

Boston College loses to Central Fla

Indiana loses to Virginia

E Carolina loses to VA Tech

Wake Forest loses to NC State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shattered steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.
America was targeted for attack because we’re the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining.
Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of America — with the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could

George W. Bush.

Issue 131

Redneck Ramblins

• Prayers are with those in the Great State of Alabama and the rest of the beloved Southland. The South will rise again! Proud, hard workin’ people will not let these storms keep them down.
• Bubba and Earl were sittin’ around waiting for their invitations to the royal wedding tryin’ to come up with ways the poLIEticians are so much more special than the rest of us. So far they haven’t come up with anything yet, but it has only been three weeks.
• Combined annual revenue for all OPEC nations is estimated at $1 trillion. US national debt is over $14 trillion. Skeered yet?
• Obama finally showed his birth certificate. Why didn’t he just show it 3 years ago?

• Bubba and Earl heard that what we worry about usually doesn’t happen so they is really worryin’ about the reelection of Obama and Congress.
• I would not get up at 3 am for any wedding. Sorry, Mrs. Redneck, but I wouldn’t get up that early for my own wedding.
• Hope I’m wrong, but I think Cam Newton is still gonna be trouble.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

NASCAR fan celebrates her 100th birthday by putting pedal to the metal at New Hampshire Motor Speedway

Rachel Gilbert has always been a race fan, having watched races at Bryar Motorsports Park – now the site of New Hampshire Motor Speedway – as long ago as the early 1960s.

She’s attended the Daytona 500.

And now she can say she’s driven a pace car around New Hampshire’s 1.058-mile oval. In celebration of her 100th birthday.

“That was such a surprise,” Gilbert said in a news release following her “hot” laps. “I had such a great teacher; I loved it.”

Jerry Gappens, executive vice president and general manager of NHMS, called Gilbert “a true pace setter.

“We wanted to take the opportunity and celebrate this special occasion with her and her family,” he said.

Gilbert, who reportedly hadn’t driven a car in nearly five years, told WBZ NewsRadio that her goal was to reach 100 mph. She admitted she came up just a bit short.

“I wish I could have … but I went up to 53 or 54 [mph] I think it was,” she said.

Besides the opportunity to drive the pace car on Tuesday, Gilbert and family members will receive suite passes for the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Lenox Industrial Tools 301, scheduled for July 17. She will attend the prerace drivers’ meeting as well.

Among the other assorted gifts she received from the speedway was an autographed crew shirt from her favorite driver, Roush Fenway Racing’s Carl Edwards.

“My mom has always been a major race fan,” daughter Marie Anne Mills said. “She doesn’t miss a race on TV.”

Go Granny Go!

Tweet of the Week

ErinAndrews Erin Andrews

Louie, Louie!!

Headlines

S&P gives Washington a kick in the pants

S&P downgraded US debt rating. Unfortunately, the Pres and Congress only focus is on reelection in 2012 not making the hard choices to fix the deficit.

Lohan gets jail time for probation violation

She is going back to jail? Who saw that coming?

Obama, hoping to end ’sideshow,’ offers birth form

If he wanted to end ‘sideshow’ he should have produced it 3 years ago. Now people are wondering did it take him that long to fake it.

Police: drunk New York man drove motorcycle more than 130 mph

No duh. You would have to be drunk to go that fast on a motorcycle.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “One.”

The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$121,237.65.”

The boss says “$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

After the Easter weekend off, the Good Ol’ Boys do some Saturday night racin’ at Richmond – the short track that thinks it is a super speedway.

The picks:

1. Kyle Busch (tryin’ to jinx him)
2. Denny “Homeboy” Hamlin
3. Clint Bowyer

Ain’t True

Termites eat millions of Indian rupees in bank

LUCKNOW, India — It was an all you can eat buffet at the bank.

An army of termites munched through 10 million rupees ($222,000) in currency notes stored in a steel chest at a bank, police in northern India said Friday.

The bank manager discovered the damage when he opened the reinforced room in an old bank building on Wednesday, police officer Navneet Rana told The Associated Press.

“It’s a matter of investigation how termites attacked bundles of currency notes stacked in a steel chest,” he said. The money was put in the chest in January.

The termites had damaged bank furniture and documents in the past.

The police have registered a case of negligence against bank officials in Barabanki, a town 20 miles (30 kilometers) southwest of Lucknow, the Uttar Pradesh state capital. In India, police register a case before opening an investigation.

Ain’t true that these termites can eat through money faster than Congress.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Song of the South – Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week:

The South Rocks! (Redneck Reality TV Show)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

BRANDON, MISSISSIPPI HANDLES WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH AT MARINES FUNERAL.

Congratulations to Brandon Mississippi and all the people who saluted Staff Sgt Jason Rogers, a Marine at his funeral. The Westboro Baptist Church out of Topeka Kansas was going to protest at SSgt Rogers funeral but the Mississippians took care of that. Apparently a few days before the funeral a member of the Westboro Baptist Church was at a Brandon gas station running his mouth. He got his butt kicked. Despite a large crowd in the area no one remembers seeing anything.

On the day of the funeral Rankin County pickup trucks parked directly behind any Kansas licensed cars in the motels. Mysteriously the drivers disappeared until after the funeral was over. Some of the Kansas drivers called the Police but sadly all the wreckers in town were busy so that the pickups couldn’t be towed.

A few of the Westboro Baptist Church members made it to the funeral but were ushered away for questioning about a crime they might have been involved with. They were questioned for a couple of hours and let go.

There is a video shot from the camera in a police car of the people along the funeral route. There are literally thousands of people with their hands over their hearts, American flags, firemen, flags on hook n ladders saluting SSG Rogers. A fitting tribute to a fallen Marine. Semper Fi

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

-Abraham Lincoln

Issue 130

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl like to sleep. They are going to interview for jobs as air traffic controllers.
• ABC cancelled two long running soap operas this week. Now the people that watched them will have to get a life.
• How appropriate that National Stress Awareness Day falls on the same day as Tax Day.
• Wouldn’t mind paying taxes so much if I didn’t know how much is wasted.
• I can certainly identify with the McIlroy collapse in the final round of the Masters with the exception that I wish I could shoot an 80 at Augusta.
• This week is Holy week. The resurrection made all the difference.
• Barry Bonds was convicted on one count, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t guilty on all accounts. What a waste of talent.
• Do you believe the poLIEticians and their proposed budget cuts? I didn’t think so.
• Been a year since the BP oil spill in the Gulf. Satisfied that BP took care of everything or you believing their TV ads?
• God bless America and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Georgia lemonade stand fundraiser for sick child robbed by two adults

Teenagers running a Georgia lemonade stand to raise money for a two-year-old’s medical bills were robbed by two adults.

TV station WXIA reports that 13-year-old Chelsea Edwards and two of her friends were selling lemonade Saturday to raise money for Logan Varnadoe’s medical bills and an upcoming hospital trip when a man and a woman ran up and snatched a jar containing $150.

20-year-old Gage Turner took off in a car, leaving 21-year-old Amber Umbarger behind. She was arrested on three counts of robbery by sudden snatching.

Turner was later found by police after someone reported seeing a man knocking on people’s door. He was found in a vacant apartment nearby. There was no word on whether Turner faces the same charges as Umbarger.

Varnadoe was born with a third of the normal amount of brain matter. He has had hernias and gastro-intestinal problems and his family was raising money to fund an upcoming trip to a children’s hospital in Ohio that would give him treatment that’s no longer available in the state of Georgia.

The sheriff’s office covering the case was moved by the fundraising effort and have been collecting donations to give to the family.

If any readers would like to donate to Logan’s fund, they can do so through his site on everribbon.com.

Tweet of the Week

RyanMcGeeESPN Ryan McGee

RT @espn4d Today’s feel-good story: guys arrested for robbing UGA football locker room were recruits from Columbus, Ga., on a visit. Lovely.

Georgia will probably sign them anyway.

Headlines

What Bridge Near You is Ready to Fail?

The bridge over troubled water?

Obama Unplugged: ‘You Think We’re Stupid?’

They are beyond thinking and are now more into knowing.

America’s Top Liars

Newsweek talks about Bonds, Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, but do not mention a thang about the poLIEticians.

How to Catch a Liar

Let’s see. You could use a bunch of pork or you could use a stack of votes to catch the poLIEticians.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper
sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to
Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

MWR featured the NCAA Football National Champions on their cars

at Talladega the last two years. Last year Alabama and this year Auburn.

Racin’

Texas race was won by Matt “The Brat” Kenseth.  At least it wasn’t a Busch.

Dega is next with its Noah’s Ark (2 by 2) plate racin’. Don’t necessarily like it, but it is what it is.

The picks:

1. Carl Edwards
2. Jeff Gordon
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Lady Liberty stamp shows wrong statue

WASHINGTON (AP) — Just as the post office was hoping to promote going green, it finds itself red-faced.

It turns out that a first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty is based on a photo of a Las Vegas replica of the statue.

Postal Service spokesman Roy Betts said 3 billion stamps have been printed and they won’t be pulled from the market. The 44-cent forever stamp has been on sale in coils since December and is to be released in booklet form.

The actual Statue of Liberty has appeared on more than 20 stamps previously, Betts said.

The mistake, first reported by Linn’s Stamp News, comes to light just as the Postal Service is issuing a new set of stamps urging protection of the environment by going green. Those stamps promote actions such as composting, saving water, recycling and planting trees.

In its news release in December announcing the stamp, the Postal Service said the Statue of Liberty was shown in a close-up photograph of her head and crown.

Post office press materials referring to the stamp have now been changed to say: “Raimund Linke’s close-up photograph of the Lady Liberty replica at the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada appears on the stamp art. The original Statue of Liberty stands on Liberty Island in New York Harbor.”

Linn’s, a weekly magazine for stamp collectors, noted that the stamp shows a rectangular patch on the crown of the statue. But the patch doesn’t appear on the actual statue.

In addition, the magazine said, the eyes, eyelids and eyebrows on the replica appeared more sharply defined than on the original statue and the hair was different.

Ain’t true that the United States Postal Service can get anything right.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Old Alabama

Redneck Video of the Week:

Good to See Dale Jr Having Fun Again

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Senior Texting Code

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you(or forward to those that do).

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can’t get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

Harold B. Lee
US Mormon clergyman (1899 – 1973)

Issue 129

Redneck Ramblins

• Obama announced his reelection campaign this week. His slogan for 2012 is “I Hope I Change”.
• Bubba and Earl have been doin’ research – so far they have discovered that the team with the most points wins and that people who keep having birthdays live longer. It has taken a lot of beer to fuel that brain power.
• Texas state legislature just voted in a law that allows for speed limit of 85 mph. Guess they want to slow people down.
• After watching the Country Music Awards, there is no doubt that the majority of the voters were – teenage girls.
• Wanna stop the federal gummit shutdown? Just stop paying Congress and their staff – no salary – no benefits. Also do not supply their offices with a/c or electricity.
• It is not cool to say “What’s shaking?” in Japan.
• What if Congress mediates the NFL disagreement. They could disagree in disagreeing there too.
• If Donald Trump is the answer, then it is a serious bad question.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Man glued to toilet seat at Walmart

ELKTON, Md. — Elkton police say a man became stuck to a department store toilet seat after someone spread glue on it.

It happened at the Walmart in Elkton. Officials refused to say how long the man was stuck before he was able to get help.

Police say emergency workers removed the seat from the toilet and took the man out with seat still attached to him. The seat was removed at the emergency room at Union Hospital.

Police say the incident is a second-degree assault case that may have been a random prank.

Confucious: He who stuck to toilet is hooked on pot.

Tweet of the Week

PPistone Pete Pistone

Butler blaming bad shooting on Kirstie Alley’s fall on DWTS – something about disrupting the earth’s revolution

Headlines

Charlie Sheen Booed Off Stage

Who saw that comin? Still winning Charlie?

27% of communication by members of Congress is taunting, professor concludes

The other 73% of their time is split between lining their own pockets and getting reelected.

LAWMAKERS DISAGREE OVER WHY THEY CAN’T AGREE

If they would quit disagreeing on why they disagree, maybe they could solve the dang thang.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Congress

Redneck Picture of the Week

Post Mortem Picture of Congressperson

Racin’

Martinsville was a great race. Jr leading in the last twenty laps only to be beat by Happy Harvick in the last 4 laps. The ol’ heart was pumping hoping for an 88 win. Not used to that lately.

Racin’ at the home track this week – Texas Motor Speedway. This will be a fast and furious race in the dark.

The picks:

1. “Cousin Carl” Edwards

2. Jimmie Johnson

3.  David Regan

4. Anybody but a Busch.

Ain’t True

Was talking with one of my friends this week about NASCAR. She said that it was a sport for rednecks to go fast, make left turns, and run in a circle all day.

Ain’t true! They run in ovals all day.

Redneck Song of the Week:

This Is Country Music – Brad Paisley

Redneck Video of the Week:

What Happens When You Pick on Somebody One Too Many Times

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Comments made in the year 1955!

That’s only 56 years ago!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘

‘Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year?  It won’t
be long before $1, 000.00 will
only buy a used one.’

‘If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. ‘

‘Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.’

‘If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.’

‘When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.’

‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more.  Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.’

‘I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas ..’

‘Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the
President. ‘

‘I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric.  They are even making
electric typewriters now. ‘

‘It’s too bad things are so tough
nowadays.  I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet. ‘

‘It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.’

‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.’

‘Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes.  I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.’

‘The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.’

‘There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend.  It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.’

‘No one can afford to be sick
anymore.  At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for
my blood.’

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents
for a haircut, forget it.’

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”
Groucho Marx

Issue 128

Redneck Ramblins

• Apologizes for missing a week on the blog. The ol’ Dell desktop died and had to transfer all of the stuff to the laptop. Love technology, except when it doesn’t work. Thank God for the 1.5 TB backup drive.
• Google is a term for a number and a million zeros or our national debt in two years.
• Commodity, food, and gas prices are all surging. Another recession is around the corner. Happens every time………
• The tower controller at Reagan National was asleep on duty. Not the first time people have been asleep on the job in DC.
• Bubba and Earl have been real quiet lately. That’s what you do when you are laying low.
• Ever notice how people point to their wrist when they want to know what time it is. Aren’t you glad that they don’t point when they ask where the restroom is located?
• What is happening to all of the school districts nationwide is criminal. Politicians need to quit playing games and put the money where their mouths are.
• Earl done come down with the crud. He got him some of that 150 proof mountain medicine and should be feeling better by the time the hangover is over.
• Opening day at the ballparks across America. It don’t get no better than that.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Mistake leaves Ohio man with $16M cable TV charge

BEAVERCREEK, Ohio (AP) — Try fitting this cable bill into the monthly budget.

An Ohio man says Time Warner Cable told him he owed the company $16.4 million.

Daniel DeVirgilio, of Beavercreek, says his payment was rejected because it wouldn’t cover the total. His bill is usually $80.

DeVirgilio tells the Dayton Daily News he wanted to watch the NCAA basketball tournament’s Sweet 16 but didn’t expect it to cost a million dollars per team. He jokes he should have added Showtime to his channels because the charge of a few extra dollars doesn’t seem big in comparison.

Time Warner says human error is to blame for the payment problem. Officials say a worker typed the wrong amount owed, and a letter to DeVirgilio was automatically generated. They’re working to resolve the issue.

Headlines

Vikes’ Peterson calls NFL labor situation ‘modern-day slavery’

Free the slaves so they can get real jobs like everybody else.

U.S. wine sales top France for the first time

In the Wine War, France must have surrendered.

AT&T is getting married to T-Mobile. There will be no reception afterwards.

FARK.com headline writer wins this week’s award. Unfortunately, it probably be true.

A year after passage, health care law still abstract

Cause nobody has read the thing yet.

11 stocks turned $10,000 into $100,000 in 2 years

Wonder how many stocks turned $100,000 into $ 10,000 in the same time?

Obama is locked out of the White House

Awright, who let him back in?

Redneck Joke of the Week

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from
his bed one morning to find it was a fine spring day in his new Texas
mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: ”Good morning. This is Sergeant
Jones. How might I help you?”

”And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.
Ann ’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn.”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, ”Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: ”Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The jinx on Kyle Busch didn’t work at Bristol. Good race, just the wrong winner.

The big ol’ 2 mile track in Fontana, California produced a heck of a finish. Harvick was happy with his pass on the last lap for the come from behind win.

This week it is back to the paperclip short track and Martinsville hot dogs.

The picks:

1. Denny “Homeboy” Hamlin
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Jeff Gordon
4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

Rocker Sammy Hagar Says He Was Abducted by Aliens

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – No doubt Sammy Hagar, a former lead singer for Van Halen, has enjoyed a lot of far out experiences in life, but on Monday, the rocker told perhaps his farthest out tale to MTV. He was abducted by aliens.

Or, at least, his brain was.

In an interview for his new book, “Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock” at mtvhive.com, Hagar lets go of what even he admits might make him “sound like a crazy person” to some readers.

He and the reporter are talking about dreams he claims to have had about UFOs, and when asked whether he believed he had been abducted, Hagar answers: “I think I have.”

The reporter seemed surprised. “What? Really? I was kidding. You seriously believe that?” he asks.

Hagar laughs and goes on to explain that a passage in the book described as a dream in which he is contacted by aliens from outer space in California was, in fact, reality.

The tale describes how the beings tapped into his mind through a wireless connection.

“It was real,” Hagar told the reporter, according to the story on MTV’s Hive website. “They were plugged into me. It was a download situation … Or, they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment.”

Hagar goes on to describe another experience at the age of four where he believes he saw an alien space ship in broad daylight hovering over a country field where his family lived.

The rock guitarist and vocalist is no stranger to wild times. He was a part of several bands, including Montrose, during the “sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll” era of the 1970s and 1980s, and during its heyday Van Halen was among the biggest acts in rock music.

In his book and in the interview with MTV’s Hive, Hagar lets the stories fly on the sex and drugs he did during those years, and he even has a few not-so-nice things to say about another Van Halen lead singer, David Lee Roth, whom Hagar replaced in 1985.

Ain’t true that the drugs had any effect?

Redneck Song of the Week:

Jason Aldean- My Kinda Party

Redneck Video of the Week:

Funny Cats

(Maybe the Reason They Need 9 Lives)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here’s the way it should be:

Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical

treatment, wheel chairs, etc. They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly… if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education…and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing – ie. shoes, slippers, pj’s – and legal aid would be free, upon request. There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost. They would receive daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

Sounds like justice to me…

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. “
Johnny Carson

Issue 120

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba made a New Year’s resolution to not drink any more. Of course he isn’t gonna drink any less either.
• Senseless act in Tucson.
• Now even more senseless blaming.
• If we truly want to be a unified country, we have got to start respecting each other.
• Earl says that he is 46 weeks ahead of everybody in putting up his Christmas decorations for this year.
• Congrats to Auburn on their 2^nd National Championship. Great State of Alabama now has back-to-back champs. Tide will make it a 3-peat next season.
• Would love to see the game between TCU & Auburn.
• Capital One Bowl week is finally over. Started December 18^th and ended January 10^th. Amazing 35 bowls with 70 teams. Way too many even for a diehard college football fan.
• Yankees don’t understand why we Southerners have so much trouble with snow and ice. We don’t have snowplows or salt trucks. Heck, we don’t even have snow shovels. We don’t invest in something we would use once every ten years or so. God put it here and he will take it away – eventually.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Minn. baby girl born at 1:11 a.m. on 1/11/2011

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — It’s one for the record books. A lot of ones, that is.

A Minnesota woman gave birth at exactly 1:11 a.m. on Tuesday – Jan. 11, 2011.

That’s 1-11-2011.

Amy Zeller and Codjo Mensah of Eagan welcomed their daughter, Flora Mensah, at United Hospital in St. Paul.

Zeller tells KARE-TV that they were watching the clock click down and the baby was born at exactly the right moment.

Both baby and mother are doing well.

Should be easy for that kid to remember her birthday.

Headlines

Judge sentences Tom DeLay to 3 years in prison

One poLIEtician down, a bunch to go.

Auburn tips Ducks for BCS title

Hope they get to keep it and don’t have to give it back due to sCam Newton mess.

Chevy Volt wins car of the year

Shocking!

Billion$ for Haiti — but No Idea How It’s Spent?

Just like America’s Katrina, stimulus, and bail-out packages.

Obama might soon form re-election campaign

When has he quit campaigning from last time?

Redneck Joke of the Week

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff ’s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps

Sincerely,

Cooter Bob

Redneck Picture of the Week

Winter Sports Redneck Style

Ain’t True

Okla. boy rescued after tongue gets stuck on pole

WOODWARD, Okla. (AP) — In a scene straight from the movie “A Christmas Story,” an 8-year-old Oklahoma boy got his tongue stuck to a metal pole after he licked it on a dare.

Officials say when rescue crews arrived Tuesday morning, the boy was standing on his tiptoes, trying to wriggle his frozen tongue free from a stop sign pole across the street from Woodward Middle School.

Paramedics were able to help the boy by pouring water on his tongue. Once free, the boy told officials he got stuck after his brother dared him to lick the pole.

The boy was taken to a Woodward hospital for treatment.

The scene was similar to one in “A Christmas Story,” a 1983 movie adapted from Jean Shepard’s memoir of a boy in the 1940s.

Ain’t true that you can back down from a double dogged dare.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“I’m Movin’ On” – Rascal Flatts

Redneck Video of the Week:

Passing the Gavel

The Video You Didn’t See on CNN

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

How to catch snapping turtles with bare hands.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. “
-Dennis Miller

Issue 118

Redneck Ramblins

• Had a significant birthday this week, but at my age they have all become significant. I plan to keep having birthdays since the more I have the longer I live.
• I am not old. I am just more experienced than most.
• NCAA is about as consistent with celebration penalties as it is with recruiting penalties.
• Bubba and Earl have showed up missing again. This means that they are having another beer summit, off making New Year’s resolutions, or we are about to have an international incident.
• Having racin’ withdrawals, but at least we got college football ‘til almost February.
• Hugh Hefner is getting married again this time to a 23 year old. Must have been a friend of his granddaughter.
• Some New Year’s Resolutions for poLIEticians:
  • Tell the truth
  • Do what is right for all Americans
  • Don’t spend more than you have
  • Spend your time on America not on getting re-elected
• Happy New Year y’all!
• God Bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Air Force builds huge supercomputer by linking 1,760 PlayStation 3s

Air Force researchers have created the defense department’s largest interactive supercomputer by linking 1,760 Sony PlayStation 3s, the Air Force Times reports.

Moreover, says the director of the Air Force Research Laboratory at Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio, the linkup forms the 35th fastest computer in the world.

Research director Mark Barnell says the lab spent about $2 million, or about one tenth the cost of using traditional computer equipment, to build the “Condor Cluster.”

“We’re striving hard to make affordable and constrained systems, where they can really use them and make a difference,” he told reporters earlier this month.

The new Condor Cluster will be used to process high-resolution satellite images and boost surveillance capabilities, the Times reports.

The supercomputer can achieve about 1.5 GigaFLOPS per watt of computing power. FLOPS, or floating point operations per second, is the unit by which supercomputing power is measured.

A typical supercomputer can reach only about one-15th of that, the Times says.

Better to play war games, my dear!

Headlines

111th Congress Added More Debt Than First 100 Congresses Combined…

Problem is that they are proud of their accomplishment.

U.S. changes how it measures long-term unemployment

Yep. So we can make it look not so bad so that we can get re-elected in 2012.

NCAA denies favoritism for Ohio St., Auburn

Can’t deny that they are totally screwed up in applying punishments or having BcS

New Orleans wants the ‘temporary’ trailers out

What? Over 5 years isn’t temporary?

Redneck Joke of the Week

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Don’t mess with us retirees. We got the time to think!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Ain’t True

“Science sense” list trashes celebrity health tips

In an annual list of what it sees as the year’s worst abuses against science, the Sense About Science (SAS) campaign group debunked diet and exercise suggestions made by actors, pop stars and others in the public eye in an effort “to help the celebrities realize where they are going wrong and to help the public make sense of celebrity claims.”

In the health and fitness section, SAS noted that soccer player David Beckham and Prince William’s fiancee Kate Middleton have both been spotted wearing hologram-embedded silicone bracelets which makers claim can improve energy and fitness.

It also listed a diet reportedly used by supermodel Naomi Campbell and actors Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in which followers survive on maple syrup, lemon and pepper alone for up to two weeks. Campbell told U.S. TV host Oprah Winfrey in an interview in May: “It’s good to clean out your body once in a while.”

But SAS said in a statement: “Many of these claims promote theories, therapies and campaigns that make no scientific sense.”

Pop star Sarah Harding told Now magazine in April that she crumbles charcoal over her food, saying: “It’s doesn’t taste of anything and apparently absorbs all the bad damaging stuff in the body.”

Dr John Elmsley, a chemical scientist and writer asked by SAS to comment on this idea, said charcoal is known to absorb toxic molecules when used in gas masks and sewage treatment, but is “unnecessary when it comes to diet because the body is already quite capable of removing any ‘bad damaging stuff’.”

To try and counter the effects of some of the wildest health and fitness tips, SAS published its own “easy-to-remember pointers for celebrity commentators”:-

* Nothing is chemical-free: everything is made of chemicals, it’s just a case of which ones

* Detox is a marketing myth: our body does it without pricey potions and detox diets

* There’s no need to boost: bodily functions occur without boosting

* Energy and fitness come from…food and exercise: there are no shortcuts.

Ain’t true that Hollywood types is all that smart. In fact, many are high school drop outs but they know everything.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Tim McGraw – She’s My Kind of Rain

Redneck Video of the Week:

Ray Stevens – Come to the USA

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

You know you’re getting older when…

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You were taught to respect your elders, but there are fewer to respect anymore.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             3 – 5               .375

Season                                   273 – 100      .732

After a bad week of pickin’, I have recalibrated the prognosticating machine with a good lick of a hammer. Hoping for a better week….

Armed Forces Bowl

SMU loses to Army

Pinstripe Bowl

Kansas State loses to Syracuse

Music City Bowl

Tennessee loses to NC

Holiday Bowl

Washington loses to Nebraska

Meineke Care Care Bowl

South Florida loses to Clemson

Sun Bowl

Miami loses to Notre Dame

Liberty Bowl

Central Fla loses to Georgia

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Florida State loses to South Carolina

Ticket City Bowl

Northwestern loses to Texas Tech

Outback Bowl

Florida loses to Penn State

Capital One Bowl

Michigan State loses to Bama

Gator Bowl

Michigan loses to Miss State

Rose Bowl

TCU loses to Wisconsin

Fiesta Bowl

UConn loses to Oklahoma

Orange Bowl

Stanford loses to Va Tech

Sugar Bowl

Arkansas loses to Ohio State

GoDaddy.com Bowl

Middle Tenn loses to Miami (Ohio)

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.”
- Chester Bowles

Issue 117 – Merry Christmas!

Redneck Ramblins

• Imagine what this country would be if Wal-Mart had stayed with Sam Walton’s original business model of buying American.
• Wonder if Farve will retire now and stay retired?
• First day of winter – high 87. Welcome to Texas, Y’all!
• Bubba and Earl had another one of their beer summits this week to watch the lunar eclipse. Well into the case, they were seeing it twice.
• Dear Santa. I can explain. See it was like this……………….
• If the federal gummit controls the internet, it won’t be long before RetiredRedneck.com will be history.
• NCAA punishments are a total joke. Ohio State players are caught and suspended five games starting next year, but get to play in the bowl game now. What? Could it be the money for the BcS, Mr. NCAA?
• Rumor has it that Bubba and Earl are full of Christmas cheer.
• May the love and peace of Jesus Christ be with you on His birthday.
• Merry Christmas from the Retired Redneck family.
• God bless American and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

American Redneck Society formed to advocate for rural Americans

You might be a redneck if…you create a dues-paying society and a scholarship fund? And that’s what a Virginia man did last week, launching the “American Redneck Society.”

“I really felt that American Rednecks are an under-served, but large population that could benefit from a formal membership organization structure,” said American Redneck Society Executive Director Rob Clayton.

A $20 membership fee will get you access to retail discounts across the country, and a portion of the funds are set aside for an educational fund for “rural youth.”

“What does it mean to be a Redneck?” the group’s website asks.

Well, with apologies to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, apparently, you might be a redneck if…

You’re a fan of Nascar.

You’re a gun owner.

You like country music.

You can fix just about anything with duct tape.

You think “duct” tape should actually be “duck” tape.

Yee-haw!

Headlines

North Korea Backing Down from Attack on South

They know us Southern Rednecks is armed to the teeth and like to fight.

“Whatever” Voted Most Irritating Word in Poll

Whatever…….

Why a New Girlfriend Is the Last Thing You Need

Because Mrs. Redneck would not approve?

Ohio St. mess makes NCAA look bad

Yep just like the Cam Newton mess and many more before that.

NCAA = Never Consistent About Anything

Redneck Joke of the Week

—- MEMO —– To: Southern USA Residents From: Santa

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus shot the jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s, “All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-pack”, and Hank Williams Jr’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It.”

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Redneck Picture of the Week

Ain’t True

Since I spent most of my life in the baking business, I want to share one of my favorite Christmas cookie recipes…………….Enjoy

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour oneLevel Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to Makesure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup…just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor…

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Checkthe Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Gre ash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall ove r.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas

Redneck Song of the Week:

Alan Jackson – Let It Be Christmas – Christmas in Washington

Redneck Video of the Week:

Jeff Dunham Achmed’s “Jingle Bombs”

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY – ( or Christmas 2.0 )

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             6 – 0               1.000

Season                                   270 – 95         .740

Bowl Games

Hawaii Bowl

Tulsa loses to Hawaii

Little Caesar’s Bowl

Toledo loses to Fla – International

Independence Bowl

Air Force loses to Ga Tech

Champs Sports Bowl

NC State loses to W Va

Insight Bowl

Iowa loses to Missouri

Military Bowl

East Carolina loses to Maryland

Texas Bowl

Illinois loses to Baylor

Alamo Bowl

Arizona loses to Oklahoma State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“The parent who gets down on the floor to play with a child on Christmas Day is usually doing a most remarkable thing — something seldom repeated during the rest of the year. These are, after all, busy parents committed to their work or their success in the larger society, and they do not have much left-over time in which to play with their children. “

Brian Sutton-Smith

Issue 114

Redneck Ramblins

• My vote for the Heisman Trophy goes to Mo Mentum. He played the first half with Alabama and then won the game with Auburn in the second half. He took a quick trip to Reno where he played the first half with Boise State and won the game for Nevada in the second half and overtime.
• Bubba and Earl had one of their beer summits over the Thanksgiving holidays. Well into the case of beer, Bubba and Earl had an epiphany. Instead of TSA screening everybody getting on an airplane, just screen the terrorists. Put them in one line and everybody else in another. Simple ain’t it!
• Boise State’s kicker that missed two game winning field goals late in their game with Nevada attempted suicide over the weekend. He put a noose around his neck while standing on a chair. He tried to kick the chair out from under him, but missed wide left.
• Bubba and Earl went back to the airport today. No they weren’t flying anywhere. They just wanted the pat down.
• Looks like Congress is getting serious about reducing the deficit that they created. How about reducing all the waste in government. Do like every company and family in America has done – search out and eliminate all wasteful, unnecessary spending. And don’t create any more while you’re at it.
• Bubba just got a call from one of those donation organizations asking him to donate some of his clothes to starving people. Bubba wants to know how in the world anyone could be starving if they fit into his “full figured” clothes.
• NCAA said it’s OK for a kid’s representative, even his own father, to shop him as long as kid says he doesn’t know. Let the bidding begin! I think that they will regret that decision…………
• Amazon web services cutting off the Wikileaks site from its servers is like closing the barn door after the cow got out.
• God bless America and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

German man builds wall, traps himself in cellar

BERLIN (AFP) – A German DIY enthusiast accidentally walled himself into his own basement and only managed to escape by drilling his way through to his neighbours, police said Thursday.

The 64-year-old pensioner in the eastern town of Gumperda had — inexplicably — aimed to seal off the entrance to his cellar and went downstairs armed with bricks, mortar as well as food and drink.

“Whoops, you could say,” the police station in nearby Kahla said in a statement. “He was on the wrong side of the wall when his work was finished.”

The pensioner, whose name was not released, spent the weekend trapped in the basement but on Monday decided to take action.

Using a drill hammer, he went to work not on his own wall but on the firewall separating his home from his neighbours’.

The neighbours, with whom the pensioner had already been quarreling for months, called the police when they heard the loud drilling.

Officers were waiting for the hobby handyman when he broke through to the other side.

Headlines

Obama proposes 2 year pay freeze for federal workers

Can he help us freeze the pay in the SEC while he’s at it?

DHS SEIZES DOMAIN NAMES…

Probably would seize RetiredRedneck.com if they ever read it

China ’scared to death’ of Pelosi…

So are we.

Auburn’s Cam Newton is eligible to play in the SEC title game, even though the NCAA says his father broke rules by shopping his son to another school.

Something is fishy here! We may never know the truth because too much money is involved at the school, conference, and NCAA level.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A gas station owner in College Station was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7.

Sorry. No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged.    My wife won twice last week.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

The Mother of All Duck Blinds

Ain’t True

Who ya gonna call after party? Hangover Helpers

BOULDER, Colo. — Your head aches, you’re hungry and your house is littered with sticky plastic cups. Who ya gonna call? Hangover Helpers.

Two University of Colorado graduates are marketing a new business by that name in Boulder, home of CU’s main campus. They’ll bring in breakfast burritos and Gatorade the morning after a party — and clean up the mess.

The Daily Camera in Boulder reports that Marc Simons started cleaning party houses about a year ago for extra cash and realized he’d found a niche, despite the bad economy.

He teamed up with high school friend Alex Vere-Nicoll and started Hangover Helpers.

They charge $15 per roommate.

They’re already getting some calls but expect business to pick up in spring, Boulder’s prime party season.

Ain’t true that the American entrepreneurial spirit is dead.

Redneck Song of the Week:

ZAC BROWN – COLDER WEATHER

Redneck Video of the Week:

TSA – You Don’t Have to Fly

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Jail vs Nursing home

Let’s put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. And they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped  instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pjs and legal aid would be  free. Private secure rooms for all with an outdoor garden and exercise area. Each would have access to a p.c., phone, TV and radio free.
There would be a Board of Directors to hear complaints and guards would have a code of conduct that would strictly be adhered to.
The criminals in the nursing homes would get cold food, be left all alone, unsupervised, lights off at 8:00 p.m. And showers once a week.
They would live in a tiny room for $5000.00 a month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             21 – 8             .724

Season                                   256 – 93         .734

Rutgers loses to West Va

UConn loses to South Fla

La Tech loses to Nevada

Fla – Atlantic loses to Troy

Middle Tenn loses to Fla – International

SMU loses to Central Fla

South Carolina loses to Auburn

Fla State loses to Va Tech

Nebraska loses to Oklahoma

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Only the mediocre are always at their best.”
- Jean Giraudoux