Posts Tagged ‘football pickins’

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

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Please wait a moment and try again

Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 146

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl want to go see a water polo match. They want to know how they get that many horses in the pool.
• Who cares that the NBA is back?
• Y’all already know that I am not a fan of the BcS. However, to keep it anywhere near credible, the best two teams have to play for the championship regardless of conference ties or rematches.
• Really sad when American Airlines has to file bankruptcy just to compete with the rival airlines that received a competitive advantage when they filed for bankruptcy.
• Suffering from acute RDD – Racing Deficit Disorder. Cure is coming in less than 3 months – Daytona 500!
• Kinky Friedman: “These are strange political times in Texas. All the blondes and the Aggies are telling Rick Perry jokes.”
• You can help create jobs by buying locally and buying American-made.
• Occupy LA left behind 30 tons of trash. Then LA had 97 mph Santa Ana winds. Is that how you redistribute?
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Car Crash Victim Saved by Loaf of Bread

Published : Saturday, 26 Nov 2011, 6:44 AM EST

(NewsCore) – A lucky Scottish woman survived what could have been a fatal car accident thanks to a loaf of bread, which projected from the back of the car and cushioned her head against the impact of the crash.

Liz Douglas, 51, said she was on her way home to Stronachlachar after a shopping trip in Glasgow — about 40 miles (64 kilometers) away — when the back end of her car began to slide, and she headed toward a telegraph pole.

The car spun around and landed on its roof, but a loaf of bread flew out of Douglas’ shopping bags in the back seat and jammed between her head and the roof.

“A medium-sliced white loaf may quite literally have saved me from serious injury or worse,” Douglas told the Stirling Observer.

She added, “I was trapped inside the car for almost an hour in total between having the accident and whilst emergency services cut me from the car. During this time, the loaf remained as a cushion and support for my head as I was upside down.”

Douglas said she kept the life-saving loaf — complete with the impression of her head still in it.

“Now we can see the funny side, but it could have been so much worse, and I’m so grateful that I managed to walk away with just cuts and bruises,” she said.
The Bread of Life?

Tweet of the Week

@PPistonePete Pistone

Kim Kardashian: “Maybe I’m Not Supposed to Have Kids” – If only her mother would have thought the same

Headlines

L.A. Wal-Mart shopper uses pepper spray to get the good deal.

The best defense is a good offense.

EURO ON THE BRINK

So is the US dollar.

Groton Town Worker Accused Of Using Water Plant To Make Moonshine

He was just reducing the US dependency on foreign oil.

Obama tackles Europe’s debt crisis

And if he fixes that maybe he will fix ours.

Kris Humphries claims marriage was ‘fraud’

Well, duh!

Redneck Joke of the Week

10 Ways To Tell If a Redneck Is Working At a Computer in Your Office

10. The mouse is referred to as a “critter.”

9. The keyboard is camouflage patterned.

8. There is a Dr. Pepper can in the CD-ROM drive.

7. The password is “bubba.”

6. The six front keys have rotted out.

5. “Winders 95″ has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

4. Outgoing faxes have cold drink stains on them.

3. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

2. The menus all have Dr. Pepper, and Royal Crown Cola options.

1. The monitor is up on blocks

Redneck Picture of the Week

Obama Says “I Need Another Term to Finish the Job”

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Made in America – Toby Keith

Redneck Video of the Week:

Made in America

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 22 – 6             .786

Season                      258 – 90         .741

West VA loses to So. Florida

Troy loses to Arkansas State

Texas loses to Baylor

New Mexico loses to Boise State

Fla – Atlantic loses to LA – Monroe

Middle Tenn loses to N. Texas

Oklahoma State loses to Oklahoma (Upset of the Week)

UNLV loses to TCU

New Mexico State loses to Utah State

So. Miss loses to Houston

Georgia loses to LSU

Clemson loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
Ronald Reagan