Posts Tagged ‘illegal immigrants’

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

Twitter is over capacity.

Please wait a moment and try again

Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 102

Redneck Ramblins

• Bought a new watch the other day. It says that it is water resistant to 100 meters. If I am 100 meters under water, the last thing I’m gonna worry about is my watch.
• Bubba was up to Auburn last week and stayed in a motel. He called the front desk and said “I gotta leak in my sink”. They said “go ahead”.
• Got some gruff from some up North wondering why I don’t pick the losers of football games other than the South. First, the prognosticatin’ machine only works south of the Mason-Dixon line.  Second, it don’t matter. Real football is only played in the South.
• Stephen Hawking says that Creation came ‘from nothing,’ not God. Wonder what God thinks of all that?
• Stop organized crime. Don’t re-elect anyone.
• Rev. Jessie was in Detroit last week promoting “green” cars and jobs. Funny thing happened. His big ol’ Caddy Escalade was stolen and stripped.  Why wasn’t he driving an electric car? Oh, the hypocrisy.
• I have my annual visit with the ophthalmologist and Mrs. Redneck asks if I have any changes in my vision. Nope. Still can’t see far away; still can’t see up close; and I still can’t see my butt going back to work.
• This Saturday, September 11^th, is Patriots Day. Take time to reflect on who your real heroes are. Are they the ones with numbers on their jerseys or those that protect you, serve for you, teach you, minister to you? I have a special hero to remember that day. On 9/11/2001, we buried Daddy.
• God bless America and its Patriots.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

A Dallas man abandoned an 11-month old boy in the back of a Buick after officers pulled him over last month for driving an unregistered car, police said.

Around 9:15 p.m. Aug. 16, a Dallas police officer stopped the man in the 9700 block of Royal Lane after his car came up as unregistered. The driver pulled into a Lake Highlands apartment complex, got out of his car and fled. The officer chased the man on foot, but he got away.

When the officer returned to search the Buick, he found a baby in the back seat. Dallas police said the officer pulled the baby from the car and played with him until he was given to Child Protective Service. The baby was later released to family members.

Police are still looking for the suspect and said they believe he was driving a stolen car.

Candidate for father of the year?

Headlines

Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining (WFAA.com)

Economy is so bad they don’t want to come here anymore.

Ferrari recalls $230,000 458 Italia supercar (CNNMoney.com)

What am I gonna drive in the meantime?

White House: No second stimulus (CNN.com)

Like the first one worked so well…………….

BP shifts U.S. oil spill blame onto contractors (Reuters)

Must have learned that strategy from their friends in Washington

Redneck Joke of the Week

How To Start A Fight
________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, ”He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.’  I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Tony “Smoke” Stewart won his first of the year in a great race in Atlanta. This week is the fast short track of Richmond. Since the Chase lineup is almost set and nobody will be worried about points racin’, the race will be all about winning. Could be super exciting.

The picks:

1.      Kyle Busch

2.      Denny Hamlin

3.      Smoke

Ain’t True

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Story ain’t true, but still funny.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Randy Houser – Whistlin’ Dixie

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Redneck Video of the Week:

Cell Phone With Many Functions

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Why Teachers Drink

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 (17 – 3            .850)

Season                       (17 – 3            .850)

What a start to the College Football season! How about East Carolina’s last second “Hail Mary” against Tulsa, Maryland – Navy, LSU – NC,  and the Boise St. – VA Tech game? I had picked VA Tech as my upset of the week. Had to send the prognosticator to the shop this week to get the timing chain adjusted. Missed that one by a minute.

Miss State loses to Auburn

Bulldogs barely miss takin’ a bite out of the Tigers.

Marshall loses to West VA

Thundering Herd can’t get up the hill.

UTEP loses to Houston

Hope Houston dries out enough from Hermine.

Penn State loses to Bama

Speed kills and Bama has the speed on offense and defense.

LA-Monroe loses to Arkansas

No contest for the Razorhogs.

Buffalo loses to Baylor

The Bears baptize the Bulls.

Memphis loses to East Carolina

Pilots prevail even with an emotional letdown.

South Florida loses to Florida

Gators struggled offensively last week, but not this week.

Kansas loses to GA Tech

Jayhawks lost last week to Division II team and lose this week too.

W. KY loses to Kentucky

Intra-state game goes to the Wildcats.

Vandy loses to LSU

SEC matchup that goes the Bayou Bengal’s way.

Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan St

Spartans run up the score

Tulane loses to Ole Miss

Rebels embarrassed last week, but win this week.

Florida St loses to Oklahoma

Semiholes lose on the road in Boomer Sooner land

Troy loses to Okie State

Trojans thumped in Stillwater

UAB loses to SMU

Mustangs made a game of it against Texas Tech and win it this week

Wyoming loses to Texas

Longhorns rev it up against the Cowboys.

New Mexico loses to Texas Tech

Tuberville straightens out some stuff this week.

Bowling Green loses to Tulsa

BG has a gutter ball against the Hurricanes

LA Tech loses to Texas A&M

Aggies gain some confidence

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.”
- Bernard Bailey