Posts Tagged ‘New Year’s resolutions’

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

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Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 118

Redneck Ramblins

• Had a significant birthday this week, but at my age they have all become significant. I plan to keep having birthdays since the more I have the longer I live.
• I am not old. I am just more experienced than most.
• NCAA is about as consistent with celebration penalties as it is with recruiting penalties.
• Bubba and Earl have showed up missing again. This means that they are having another beer summit, off making New Year’s resolutions, or we are about to have an international incident.
• Having racin’ withdrawals, but at least we got college football ‘til almost February.
• Hugh Hefner is getting married again this time to a 23 year old. Must have been a friend of his granddaughter.
• Some New Year’s Resolutions for poLIEticians:
  • Tell the truth
  • Do what is right for all Americans
  • Don’t spend more than you have
  • Spend your time on America not on getting re-elected
• Happy New Year y’all!
• God Bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Air Force builds huge supercomputer by linking 1,760 PlayStation 3s

Air Force researchers have created the defense department’s largest interactive supercomputer by linking 1,760 Sony PlayStation 3s, the Air Force Times reports.

Moreover, says the director of the Air Force Research Laboratory at Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio, the linkup forms the 35th fastest computer in the world.

Research director Mark Barnell says the lab spent about $2 million, or about one tenth the cost of using traditional computer equipment, to build the “Condor Cluster.”

“We’re striving hard to make affordable and constrained systems, where they can really use them and make a difference,” he told reporters earlier this month.

The new Condor Cluster will be used to process high-resolution satellite images and boost surveillance capabilities, the Times reports.

The supercomputer can achieve about 1.5 GigaFLOPS per watt of computing power. FLOPS, or floating point operations per second, is the unit by which supercomputing power is measured.

A typical supercomputer can reach only about one-15th of that, the Times says.

Better to play war games, my dear!

Headlines

111th Congress Added More Debt Than First 100 Congresses Combined…

Problem is that they are proud of their accomplishment.

U.S. changes how it measures long-term unemployment

Yep. So we can make it look not so bad so that we can get re-elected in 2012.

NCAA denies favoritism for Ohio St., Auburn

Can’t deny that they are totally screwed up in applying punishments or having BcS

New Orleans wants the ‘temporary’ trailers out

What? Over 5 years isn’t temporary?

Redneck Joke of the Week

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Don’t mess with us retirees. We got the time to think!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Ain’t True

“Science sense” list trashes celebrity health tips

In an annual list of what it sees as the year’s worst abuses against science, the Sense About Science (SAS) campaign group debunked diet and exercise suggestions made by actors, pop stars and others in the public eye in an effort “to help the celebrities realize where they are going wrong and to help the public make sense of celebrity claims.”

In the health and fitness section, SAS noted that soccer player David Beckham and Prince William’s fiancee Kate Middleton have both been spotted wearing hologram-embedded silicone bracelets which makers claim can improve energy and fitness.

It also listed a diet reportedly used by supermodel Naomi Campbell and actors Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in which followers survive on maple syrup, lemon and pepper alone for up to two weeks. Campbell told U.S. TV host Oprah Winfrey in an interview in May: “It’s good to clean out your body once in a while.”

But SAS said in a statement: “Many of these claims promote theories, therapies and campaigns that make no scientific sense.”

Pop star Sarah Harding told Now magazine in April that she crumbles charcoal over her food, saying: “It’s doesn’t taste of anything and apparently absorbs all the bad damaging stuff in the body.”

Dr John Elmsley, a chemical scientist and writer asked by SAS to comment on this idea, said charcoal is known to absorb toxic molecules when used in gas masks and sewage treatment, but is “unnecessary when it comes to diet because the body is already quite capable of removing any ‘bad damaging stuff’.”

To try and counter the effects of some of the wildest health and fitness tips, SAS published its own “easy-to-remember pointers for celebrity commentators”:-

* Nothing is chemical-free: everything is made of chemicals, it’s just a case of which ones

* Detox is a marketing myth: our body does it without pricey potions and detox diets

* There’s no need to boost: bodily functions occur without boosting

* Energy and fitness come from…food and exercise: there are no shortcuts.

Ain’t true that Hollywood types is all that smart. In fact, many are high school drop outs but they know everything.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Tim McGraw – She’s My Kind of Rain

Redneck Video of the Week:

Ray Stevens – Come to the USA

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

You know you’re getting older when…

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You were taught to respect your elders, but there are fewer to respect anymore.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             3 – 5               .375

Season                                   273 – 100      .732

After a bad week of pickin’, I have recalibrated the prognosticating machine with a good lick of a hammer. Hoping for a better week….

Armed Forces Bowl

SMU loses to Army

Pinstripe Bowl

Kansas State loses to Syracuse

Music City Bowl

Tennessee loses to NC

Holiday Bowl

Washington loses to Nebraska

Meineke Care Care Bowl

South Florida loses to Clemson

Sun Bowl

Miami loses to Notre Dame

Liberty Bowl

Central Fla loses to Georgia

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Florida State loses to South Carolina

Ticket City Bowl

Northwestern loses to Texas Tech

Outback Bowl

Florida loses to Penn State

Capital One Bowl

Michigan State loses to Bama

Gator Bowl

Michigan loses to Miss State

Rose Bowl

TCU loses to Wisconsin

Fiesta Bowl

UConn loses to Oklahoma

Orange Bowl

Stanford loses to Va Tech

Sugar Bowl

Arkansas loses to Ohio State

GoDaddy.com Bowl

Middle Tenn loses to Miami (Ohio)

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.”
- Chester Bowles