Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Issue 151

Redneck Ramblins

• Had to set my alarm Sunday morning for the first time since July. Wife of Retired Redneck made a nasty comment. Not having to set an alarm is just one of the many rewards of being retired!
• It has been 3 years since the Obama Stimulus Package was unveiled. Have you been stimulated? The economy certainly hasn’t been.
• Whitney Houston was a fine singer, but dang folks. She was a singer and a diva and her death is being treated like she was royalty or something. I just wish that people who really make a difference in this world were treated as royally.
• Dear Lawmakers: we have too many laws and not enough enforcement. If you have to pass a law, make it one that you have to abide by also and make it retroactive for other laws that you have passed. Sincerely, the citizen that you are supposed to serve.
• Pitchers and catchers report. There is a life!
• Hard to believe that it has been 50 years since John Glenn first orbited the earth.
• Michelle Obama is on her 16^th vacation in 3 years. I am retired and don’t get that much vacation time.
• Iran cuts oil to UK and France. Saudi’s cut oil production. The price of gas is gonna  skyrocket. Every administration in recent memory has had an energy promise, but we still find ourselves trapped by other country’s actions. Shame on us!
• Rumor has it that Obama used to get in trouble in elementary school for talking too much. The teachers would punish him by taking away his teleprompter.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Mom, Happy 98^th Birthday – You’re Evicted

A Connecticut mother reportedly received an unusual gift for her 98th birthday from her eldest son — eviction papers.

Mary Kantorowski, who has lived in the same Fairfield, Conn., home since 1953, is now facing eviction from her yellow, Cape Cod-style home valued at $333,410, the Connecticut Post reports. Her son Peter Kantorowski, 71, a retired taxidermist, said he’s doing it for her own good.

“She would be better off living with people her own age,” he told the newspaper.

According to Probate Court records, Mary Kantorowski and her husband, John, agreed to transfer the house to a trust administered by Peter Kantorowski on the condition that Mary would live there until her death, and upon her death, the house would go to Peter and his younger brother, Jack, the newspaper reports.

In July 2005, however, Peter Kantorowski quitclaimed the house from that trust to another he and his wife control, giving him ownership of the house. Six years later, in Dec. 13, 2011, his mother’s 98th birthday, Peter Kantorowski had his mother served with eviction papers.

“This is just a despicable situation,” said Richard Bortolot Jr., a Stratford lawyer appointed by Fairfield Probate Judge Daniel Caruso to represent Mary Kantorowski. “Mary has been living here happily paying all the expenses for the house and now her son, Peter, comes along and is telling her, ‘Get the hell out,’ so he can sell it.”

A trial on Peter Kantorowski’s efforts to evict his mother is scheduled for March 2 in Superior Court in Bridgeport, the newspaper reports.

“My husband worked hard, difficult jobs to buy this house,” Mary Kantorowski told the Connecticut Post. “He built the garage and did a lot of work on the house and he told me never to leave it.”

Tweet of the Week

Mac Engel @MacEngelProf

#RandyMoss wants back in #NFL. So does #TerrellOwens. Dudes, it’s over. You had your time, you took it for granted. Sorry. Bye.

Headlines

AT&T customers surprised by ‘unlimited data’ limit

Gotta love “honest” marketing. You mean “unlimited” doesn’t mean unlimited?

Fight against health care fraud recovers $4.1B

Maybe the federal gummit should spend more time fighting fraud versus raising taxes.

GAS PRICE UP 83% DURING OBAMA’S TERM…

Where are the cries that he is helping his gas and oil buddies?

Redneck Joke of the Week

(courtesy of a friend)

“What day is the 20th of February?”

I was eating breakfast with my 4-year-old granddaughter and I asked her,
“What day is the 20th of February?”

She said “It’s President’s Day!”

She is a smart kid.

I asked “What does President’s Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln …. etc.

She replied,

“President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and
if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Racin’ is back and my life is whole again.

ARCA and Bud Shootout races in Daytona last weekend were spectacular. If the Daytona 500 is half as good, it is gonna be a good thing.

Daytona 500 picks:

1. Carl Edwards
2. Dale Jr.
3. Marcos Ambrose

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Justin Moore – Bait A Hook

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Carrier Landing

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Exercise Program

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Noel Coward

Issue 150

Redneck Ramblins

Note to readers: SOPA did not shut down the blog. I got the annual sinus infection and got behind on everything. Something had to go, so the blog was suspended for a while, but we are back.

• Did you hear about the new LSU credit card? It has Les Miles and NO points.
• The wife of a Retired Redneck does not see the efficiency of leaving the Christmas tree up all year.
• Loved it when Obama said in the State of the Union Address that “we all must live by the same rules”. Therefore Congress must go on Obamacare, Social Security, and most importantly be encumbered by the No Call List law.
• Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler commercial made my day.
• I know Coach Hoodie has won a few more NFL games and Super Bowls than I have, but someone has got to ‘splain to me the strategy of “letting the other team score” and giving up the lead. There is lots of stuff that could have happened to the Giants near the goal line – turnover, penalty, blocked or missed FG, etc. Never give up the lead intentionally.
• Now that the Super Bowl is over, we can get onto more important stuff like the Daytona 500 and the start of NASCAR season.
• One bit of hope. If Obama is re-elected and the Mayans are right, we will not have to bear his second term.
• It’s a new week and a new leader for the GOP nomination.
• Forget the fountain of youth, we need us a fountain of intelligence and common sense.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

The weather ‘predicting’ groundhog is only right 39% of the time!

Punxsutawney Phil is the name of the groundhog that lives in the town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Every year, he causes a major hubub.

Every February the 2nd is called Groundhog Day, because Phil comes out of his home. According to the tradition, if Phil sees his shadow and goes back to his hole, it means there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he does not see his shadow, he predicts an early spring.

This day is a huge celebration, organized by members of the Inner Circle, who dress in top hats and tuxedos. The media comes out to cover the festival, and there was even a famous movie made around the day.

The only problem is, Phil is a terrible predictor! The StormFax weather Almanac has kept records of his predictions. Over the last 115 years, the groundhog has only been correct 39% of the time. That means that you could flip a coin and you would be more accurate.

Tweet of the Week

Paul Azinger @PaulAzinger

67 million non working Americans are given $32,750 a year by our govt. The average income of working Americans is $32,500 a year.#whywork?

Headlines

Obama: I’m getting ‘better as time goes on’…

At what? Golf?

When it comes to online dating, you can search but may not click

Especially if you are already married.

Mortgage deal to reduce loans for up to 1 million

Another $ 30 billion ballout that unfortunately is too late to help the ones that really needed it.

PELOSI TRIES HAND AT COMEDY…

She’s been a joke for years.

House passes insider trading bill in 417-2 vote

Wow. They now can’t do what would have put the rest of us in prison.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

I guess it was because of my response to the question : “List all
dependents?”
I replied -
“12 million illegal immigrants;
“3 million crack heads;
“42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
“2 million people in over 243 prisons;
“Half of Mexico ; and
“535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Sign

Redneck Song of the Week:

Jamey Johnson – In Color

Redneck Video of the Week:

Largest Crash in NASCAR History

1960 Daytona 500

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A message from the Southern Tourism Bureau to Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites: Behaviors that will make your visit much more pleasant

• Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll woop you.
• Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to woop you.
• Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever — it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an wooping – and often does.
• We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to any group of us as a “bunch of hillbillies”, or we’ll woop you. And you may be happy that we kicked you ass when you think about the movie Deliverance, remember?
• We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI-WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Walmart). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Clinton). We don’t care if you think we are dumb because we know you are dumb. Just remember, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to take our seat in the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would woop them.
• Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll have no other option but to woop you.
• We are fully aware of how high the humidity is; we are not dumb; see #5 above. Therefore, shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll woop you.
• Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended — with gravy. When we are forced to go up North, we have the good sense not to ask for okra and collard greens on one of your hero sandwiches. And don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll woop you.
• Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will almost assuredly incite a riot, and you will get wooped multiple times by multiple people.
• Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have had to visit Northern cities the likes of Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are; in fact, they are even ready before you are so they can get you out of here. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
• Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that’s all that matters. If most of us had our way, you would not be here to listen to us. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick your butt.
• Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll woop you all the way back to Boston Harbor.
• Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll woop you just like they did us. Where did you think we learned all the varieties of wooping that we have perfected?
• So you think we’re “quaint” or “losers” because most of us live in the countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll woop you.
• Down here the sport that matters is football. Squash is not a game; it is what happens to people in a football game. The second most important sport is spring football. If you insist on talking about tennis or some other goofy game, you’ll wind up with a wooping.
• Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your rear end shot – after it is thoroughly and properly wooped. You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your well-wooped butt.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“A fool & his money are soon elected”

Will Rogers

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

Twitter is over capacity.

Please wait a moment and try again

Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 148

Redneck Ramblins

• I just got background checked for the 5^th time this year. The different organizations should just check with Santa Claus. He knows who has been naughty and nice.
• The Iraq War is over for the US, but unfortunately the war ain’t over.
• Cletus is trying to get hold of Santa. He wants to know names of the naughty girls.
• If at first you do not succeed….at least have someone video it for YouTube.
• Help! I Tebowed and I can’t get up.
• Y’all have got to watch Rocket City Rednecks on the National Geographic Channel. These rednecks are real rocket scientist during the week in Huntsville, AL and on the weekends invent great redneck stuff. It is a hoot
• Lying, obstruction, perjury and misleading investigators plus illegal drug use only gets you probation and home confinement? No wonder punishment for breaking the law is not a deterrent anymore.
• Gonna take a break from blogging the next couple of weeks to enjoy family and THE reason for the season. Y’all do the same.
• Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Dear Santa: Give me Bieber or I’ll kill you

A 13-year-old British girl shocked her mother by asking Santa Claus for a bunch of presents — including “the real-life Justin Bieber” — and threatening to kill Santa if he refuses to deliver.

Metro UK reported this week that the girl, Mekeeda Austin, who lives in Brickhill in Bedford, also threatened to “hunt down” Santa’s reindeer so she could “cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day.”

The girl said she was mostly joking.

“I don’t really believe in Santa anymore, but I was angry because I thought I wasn’t going to get all the presents I wanted this year,” she said.

Tweet of the Week

AmericanHumor American Humor

The Japanese have bought everything in America except the politicians. They’d buy those too, but they prefer quality products.

Headlines

Obama: Don’t raise taxes, shut down government

Sounds like a plan to me!

Why not get a bachelor’s degree in 3 years?

Because you will not be able to find a job when you graduate?

Ex-Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac execs charged

‘Bout time!

Barry Bonds gets probation, home confinement

2 years probation and 30 days confinement in a Beverly Hills mansion? Heck, drivers have gotten worse sentences this year for criticizing  NASCAR on Twitter.

SEVERE DROUGHT LEAVES TEXAS WITH 600K FEWER CATTLE

Less BS too!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,

While visions of  tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.

Muh daughter weren’t  home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick

I said, “Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS!  On ELMER!  On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

“MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL… YEE HAWWWW!

Redneck Picture of the Week

Bubba and Earl Dun Decorated

Redneck Song of the Week:

Redneck Christmas–Ray Stevens

Redneck Video of the Week:

Joe Diffie – Leroy The Redneck Reindeer

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Redneck Christmas Gift Ideas – Redneck in a Box

Getya a 24 can camo cooler from Bass Pro and fill the cooler with some of the following;

WD-40. According to the WD-40 website, there are over 2000 uses for this handy solvent. WD-40 removes sap, tar, adhesives, labels and tape from surfaces without damaging existing paint. It’s an effective cleaner for tools, equipment, and vehicles. It can be used to remove splattered bugs from the front of cars.

Camouflage duct tape. Duct tape is the “Handyman’s Secret Weapon” some Redneck uses include using on cars to hold together, patching boats, gutters or hoses. Duct tape can be used instead of nuts, bolts, glue, staples or propane tanks and solder.

Truck fresheners. Make your own with some felt scrapes and essential oil. Cut out a shape from the felt, a deer head, rifle, beer can and then poke a hole in the top for a piece of string. Sprinkle the essential oil over the felt for a homemade redneck truck freshener.

Beef jerky Purchase a selection of beef jerky or deer jerky or make your own from a piece of flank steak or any of your other killins.

T-shirts. Any of these Redneck t-shirts from this Zazzle store. They have a nice selection of trashy T’s and bumper stickers perfect for any self respectin’ redneck.

A Redneck Cookbook. Print and staple the Top Ten Recipes from Paula Deen’s website

Other ideas include;

Bandanas

Camouflage license plate frame

Gummy worms, sour gummy worms, Swedish fish and fishing bobbers

Honey Buns

King of the Hill boxer shorts

A copy of Bill Engvall’s Here’s Your Sign

DVD of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour

Bass Pro has other useful additions depending on what your recipients specialty is, hunting, fishing, camping, just sitting outside drinking beer…

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             1 – 0               1.000

Season                                  267 – 94           .740

New Mexico Bowl

Wyoming loses to Temple

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Ohio loses to Utah State

New Orleans Bowl

LA – Lafayette loses to San Diego State

Beef O’Brady Bowl

Marshall loses to Fla – International

Poinsettia Bowl

LA Tech loses to TCU

MAACO Bowl

Arizona State loses to Boise State

Hawaii Bowl

Nevada loses to So. Miss

Independence Bowl

NC loses to Missouri

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl

W. Michigan loses to Purdue

Belk Bowl

Louisville loses to NC State

Military Bowl

Air Force loses to Toledo

Holiday Bowl

California loses to Texas

Champs Sports Bowl

Notre Dame loses to Florida State

Alamo Bowl

Washington loses to Baylor

Armed Forces Bowl

BYU loses to Tulsa

Pinstripe Bowl

Iowa State loses to Rutgers

Music City Bowl

Wake Forest loses to Miss State

Insight Bowl

Iowa loses to Oklahoma

Meineke Care Care Bowl

Northwestern loses to TX A&M

Sun Bowl

Utah loses to GA Tech

Fight Hunger Bowl

UCLA loses to Illinois

Liberty Bowl

Cincy loses to Vandy

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Auburn loses to VA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want – and their kids pay for it.
Richard Lamm

Issue 147

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba doesn’t have time for procrastination. He is too busy trying to live for yesterday.
• You think you had a bad week. Ndamukong Suh was suspended by the NFL for two games for stomping on another player and then wrecked his car into a tree after reckless driving.
• Talk of Farve coming out of retirement to play for the Bears. Just say no, Brett! Stay retired!!!
• Bubba and Earl had another beer summit trying to figure out women. Earl says, “You have fake hair, fake nails, fake boobs, fake tan, and fake eyelashes but you want a real man?”
• I got an e-mail from American Airlines reminding me that I am only 58 segments from earning Platinum status – need 60 total. Don’t believe I will make it this year and better yet, don’t care. Glad to not have to travel anymore.
• Pujols will make $68,000 per day. And you wonder what is wrong with this country? #occupypujols
• Gotta take everything in life with a grain of salt. Course if you throw in a slice of lime and a shot of tequila it makes it easier to do.
• Jon S. Corzine, how in the world do lose $1.2 billion and can’t find it?
• Obama celebrated Hanukah at the White House two weeks early and lit all the candles on the Menorah.  Boy ain’t got a clue. Sad.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Dog Shoots Duck Hunter From Behind

BRIGHAM CITY, UTAH — A duck hunter is recovering from minor wounds he suffered when he was shot in the buttocks by his partner’s dog over the weekend, law enforcement authorities said on Thursday.

The 46-year-old man, who was not identified, was out hunting on Sunday with a friend and his friend’s dog, a yellow Labrador retriever named Pipper, near the Bear River Bird Refuge in the northern section of the Great Salt Lake, about 10 miles west of Brigham City, officials said.

The two hunting partners had stopped their boat in a marsh area where their duck decoys were placed to retrieve a duck they had shot, and the man laid his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of the vessel and stepped into the shallow water.

“The dog jumped into the boat and was stepping over the shotgun and made it discharge somehow.

The guy was still walking away from the boat and he took it in the buttocks,” said Box Elder County Sheriff Chief Deputy Kevin Potter.

The men called 911 and walked to a nearby road to wait for emergency assistance to arrive.

The stricken hunter was taken to Brigham City Hospital, where medical personnel removed 27 shotgun pellets from his backside. He was released a short time later.

“The direction your muzzle is pointing and all elements around add to whether accidents happen or not,” Sergeant Mitch Lane of the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources told Reuters.

Lane said the incident sounded like a “fluke” but stressed gun safety is important at all times.

Tweet of the Week

badbanana Tim Siedell

Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

Headlines

Guns are a big seller on Black Friday

They are more effective than pepper spray in getting you to the head of the line.

PELOSI: DIRT ON NEWT TO COME…

That’s all poLIEtics has come to.

Boise’s Petersen says everyone tired of BCS

Not true. The bowl committees and the BcS committee still like it.

Obama: ‘Make or break moment’ for middle class

Too late. We are already broke.

‘M-A-S-H’ star Harry Morgan dies at age 96

He was even better in Dragnet.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A redneck women had a flat tire…So she pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then she got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the women what the problem was.

The women replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The Women responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week:

Redneck Song of the Week:

I’m Gonna Miss Her – Brad Paisley

Redneck Video of the Week:

Big Wreck

An outing of luxury sports car enthusiasts in Japan ended in an expensive freeway pileup — smashing a stunning eight Ferraris, a Lamborghini and two Mercedes likely worth more than $1 million together.

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

“Taxes explained in beer”

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer & the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this :

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1

The sixth would pay $3

The seventh would pay $7

The eighth would pay $12

The ninth would pay $18

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men-the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 8 – 4               .667

Season                      266 – 94         .739

Army loses to Navy

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Politics will sooner or later make fools of everybody.
Dick Armey

Issue 146

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl want to go see a water polo match. They want to know how they get that many horses in the pool.
• Who cares that the NBA is back?
• Y’all already know that I am not a fan of the BcS. However, to keep it anywhere near credible, the best two teams have to play for the championship regardless of conference ties or rematches.
• Really sad when American Airlines has to file bankruptcy just to compete with the rival airlines that received a competitive advantage when they filed for bankruptcy.
• Suffering from acute RDD – Racing Deficit Disorder. Cure is coming in less than 3 months – Daytona 500!
• Kinky Friedman: “These are strange political times in Texas. All the blondes and the Aggies are telling Rick Perry jokes.”
• You can help create jobs by buying locally and buying American-made.
• Occupy LA left behind 30 tons of trash. Then LA had 97 mph Santa Ana winds. Is that how you redistribute?
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Car Crash Victim Saved by Loaf of Bread

Published : Saturday, 26 Nov 2011, 6:44 AM EST

(NewsCore) – A lucky Scottish woman survived what could have been a fatal car accident thanks to a loaf of bread, which projected from the back of the car and cushioned her head against the impact of the crash.

Liz Douglas, 51, said she was on her way home to Stronachlachar after a shopping trip in Glasgow — about 40 miles (64 kilometers) away — when the back end of her car began to slide, and she headed toward a telegraph pole.

The car spun around and landed on its roof, but a loaf of bread flew out of Douglas’ shopping bags in the back seat and jammed between her head and the roof.

“A medium-sliced white loaf may quite literally have saved me from serious injury or worse,” Douglas told the Stirling Observer.

She added, “I was trapped inside the car for almost an hour in total between having the accident and whilst emergency services cut me from the car. During this time, the loaf remained as a cushion and support for my head as I was upside down.”

Douglas said she kept the life-saving loaf — complete with the impression of her head still in it.

“Now we can see the funny side, but it could have been so much worse, and I’m so grateful that I managed to walk away with just cuts and bruises,” she said.
The Bread of Life?

Tweet of the Week

@PPistonePete Pistone

Kim Kardashian: “Maybe I’m Not Supposed to Have Kids” – If only her mother would have thought the same

Headlines

L.A. Wal-Mart shopper uses pepper spray to get the good deal.

The best defense is a good offense.

EURO ON THE BRINK

So is the US dollar.

Groton Town Worker Accused Of Using Water Plant To Make Moonshine

He was just reducing the US dependency on foreign oil.

Obama tackles Europe’s debt crisis

And if he fixes that maybe he will fix ours.

Kris Humphries claims marriage was ‘fraud’

Well, duh!

Redneck Joke of the Week

10 Ways To Tell If a Redneck Is Working At a Computer in Your Office

10. The mouse is referred to as a “critter.”

9. The keyboard is camouflage patterned.

8. There is a Dr. Pepper can in the CD-ROM drive.

7. The password is “bubba.”

6. The six front keys have rotted out.

5. “Winders 95″ has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

4. Outgoing faxes have cold drink stains on them.

3. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

2. The menus all have Dr. Pepper, and Royal Crown Cola options.

1. The monitor is up on blocks

Redneck Picture of the Week

Obama Says “I Need Another Term to Finish the Job”

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Made in America – Toby Keith

Redneck Video of the Week:

Made in America

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 22 – 6             .786

Season                      258 – 90         .741

West VA loses to So. Florida

Troy loses to Arkansas State

Texas loses to Baylor

New Mexico loses to Boise State

Fla – Atlantic loses to LA – Monroe

Middle Tenn loses to N. Texas

Oklahoma State loses to Oklahoma (Upset of the Week)

UNLV loses to TCU

New Mexico State loses to Utah State

So. Miss loses to Houston

Georgia loses to LSU

Clemson loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
Ronald Reagan

Issue 143

Redneck Ramblins

• You have to be crazy to run for president. Unfortunately, there seems to be a limitless supply.
• Sick of all of the candidates and we still have a year left before the Presidential election.
• “Most games are lost, not won” -Casey Stengel. Including the Bama/LSU game.
• I must be getting real old. I have lived through at least 12 Games of the Century plus at least that many 100 year floods.
• Whole lot of shakin’ goin’ on – in Oklahoma?
• Really upsetting hearing what is coming out of Penn State. Even as a Bama fan, I have always had respect for Penn State and JoePa for the way they conducted their program. Don’t know what to think now. Sad day, but even sadder years ago what happened with those kids.
• Demonstrates that all the good you have done, all the kids you have helped for years and years, can all be undone in one mistake.
• The senseless, egregious, wreckin’ rage that Kyle Busch demonstrated in the Texas truck race was the worse I have seen in over 50+ years of watching racin’.
• Most of Kyle fans are blaming NASCAR and/or the media for the penalties, but why don’t they blame the perpetrator?
• Some have defended Kyle B by saying that he is still young. Well, then why don’t we park him until he grows up?
• The ladies on the CMA show were all about dressing up in the latest fancy dresses. The guys were just jeans, boots, hats, and t-shirts.
• God bless America, our veterans, and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Daly Runs Out of Balls, Runs Out on Tournament

SYDNEY – It seems John Daly has finally worn out his welcome in Australia, as well as his supply of golf balls.

The long-hitting American bolted The Lakes Golf Club after hitting into a water hazard adjacent the 11th hole seven times and informing his playing partners he did not have any more golf balls. He was 7 over through 10 holes.

Daly wrote on Twitter, “when u run out of balls u run out of balls. yes, I shook my player’s partners hands & signed my card w/rules official.”

It’s a familiar move for Daly, who hit six balls into a lake at the 1998 Bay Hill Invitational and signed for an 18 on the hole, and his actions drew a strong response from officials at this week’s Australian Open.

“It is very disappointing for the tournament. It is certainly unprofessional, and I am extremely bitter and disappointed that he has treated this championship this way,” said Trevor Herden, the Australian Open tournament director. “It is becoming a bit of a habit. . . . It is unacceptable and I certainly hope that all the tours deal with it in the appropriate manner this time.”

According to the PGA of Australia Daly’s invitation to the Australian PGA Championship in two weeks has been rescinded.

The incident began on the par-4 10th hole when Daly’s drive flew the green and landed in a bunker. He mistakenly played a golf ball from the practice range that was in a front bunker – practice balls this week have been provided by Srixon, which is the same brand that Daly plays. When he learned of his miscue he was assessed a two-stroke penalty.

“On No. 10 he hit a great tee shot and goes into the bunker and hits the wrong ball,” said Hunter Mahan, who was paired with Daly on Day 1 along with Australian Craig Parry. “I think he was quite frustrated and wasn’t enjoying himself.”

At the par-5 11th Daly’s drive narrowly found the rough and his 7-iron second shot sailed wide and into a lake, followed by six more wayward and wet attempts before he walked off the golf course.

“Once I saw two (golf balls) go in the water the effort went down pretty fast so we just kind of kept walking,” Mahan said.

Although Mahan said the incident was “not the most respectful thing,” Parry was more forgiving.

“He had the right club, he would have reached the green but the wind was blowing pretty hard from left to right,” he said. “I’m sure everyone would like to walk off at some stage in their career.”

If Australian officials have their way, the controversial American won’t get that chance again in one of their events.

Another athlete acting badly………….

Tweet of the Week

USMC U.S. Marines

Happy Birthday Marines! Semper Fi. #236 years of Honor, Courage, Commitment!

Headlines

Hugh Hefner: Lohan nude shoot is ‘very classy’

Only ‘classy’ thing she’s done in a while.

Cops find dead cougar buried in man’s freezer

That would be one cool cat!

Perry: ‘I stepped in it’

Ooops!

Penn State students riot

And made things worse than bad.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in an Arkansas licensed Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do…”

“I got one too… see?” the Texan says.

“Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”

“You got a fax machine?” asks the Texan.

“Why, actually, yes, I do.”

“I do too! See? Its right here!” brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?”

The guy in the Rolls replies, “NO! Do you?”

“Yep, got my double bed right in back here,” the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. The guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up
next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, “Hey, remember me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember you,” replies the Texan, “What’s up?”

“Check this out…I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

“The Texan exclaims, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

After a wild week in Texas, it is off to the redesigned, repaved Phoenix.

The picks:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Tony Stewart
3. Carl Edwards
4. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week:

Redneck Song of the Week:

Springsteen – Eric Church

Redneck Video of the Week:

Ron Hornaday vs Kyle Busch

2011 NASCAR Camping World Trucks Texas

You know that I am not a fan of Kyle Busch. It isn’t because of his talent. He is one of the most talented drivers out there. It is because of “Busch league” stuff like this….

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             21 – 6             .778

Season                                  195 – 67         .744

Virginia Tech loses to GA Tech

Syracuse loses to So. Fla

Miss State loses to Bama

Tennessee loses to Arkansas

LA – Lafayette loses to Ark State

Kansas loses to Baylor

TCU loses to Boise State

WVA loses to Cincy

Wake Forest loses to Clemson

Fla – Atlantic loses to Fla – International

Miami loses to Fla State

Auburn loses to Georgia

Middle Tennessee loses to LA – Monroe

WKY loses to LSU

Ole Miss loses to LA Tech

Pitt loses to Louisville

Rice loses to Northwestern

Boston College loses to NC State

Maryland loses to Notre Dame

Texas Tech loses to Okla State

S Carolina loses to Florida

Navy loses to SMU

Central Fla loses to So. Miss

Texas loses to Mizzou

Texas A&M loses to Kansas State (Upset of the Week)

North TX loses to Troy

Marshall loses to Tulsa

Memphis loses to UAB

E Carolina loses to UTEP

KY loses to Vandy

Duke loses to VA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

I got a feeling about political correctness. I hate it. It causes us to lie silently instead of saying what we think.
Hal Holbrook

Issue 142

Redneck Ramblins

• Kim K is getting divorced after only 72 days. Who cares?
• Wish we would spend as much time and energy on those that make a difference as we do on the trash of the world.
• Gotta love the banks that rolled back they plans to charge for using your debit cards. They have stated that “it was not in the best interest of our valued customers.” No – it was because your valued customers rebelled by closing accounts.
• ACORN officials fire workers and shred documents after they were exposed as players behind Occupy Wall Street. No shock there!
• So if you have passion and pride, work hard, and persevere you will grow up to be a greedy capitalist?
• The NBA and the players still haven’t reached an agreement. The lockout continues. Boy, the tattoo parlors must be hurtin’.
• A leader is a good thing, but how about the first follower.
• “I think the most dangerous threat to our national security right now is debt…” – Leon Panetta, 1992.  Don’t look now, Leon!
• Still worn out from the World Series. So close in game 6 for the Rangers to win it all. Guess you can’t beat destiny.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

5 Trapped in Border Tunnel Filled with Sewage

Five people were trapped in a tunnel near the U.S.-Mexico border and had to be rescued early Wednesday.

The four men and one woman were discovered inside the tunnel partly filled with sewage in Otay Mesa. The tunnel is believed to lead to Mexico, which is about 150 meters away.

The five were trapped at a point in the tunnel where a fence made it impossible to get through to the U.S.

U.S. Border Patrol agents used a dog to find the opening in the 9800 block of Via De La Amistad behind a company called Artic Containers.Agents believe a manhole on the Mexican side is the entrance.

San Diego and Chula Vista firefighters worked for about 45 minutes to dig out the trapped victims, bringing them out one by one. They then hosed down each person because of their exposure to sewage. The men were stripped to their underwear. The woman was taken behind a tarp where she was hosed off.

A robot was sent into the hole to investigate, but it got stuck according to officials.

Border tunnels are not new to the Tijuana-San Diego region. In November 2010, a tunnel running 600 yards under the border was discovered along with nearly 30 tons of pot. Soon after, a second tunnel was discovered equipped with lighting, ventilation, and a rail system for drugs to be carried on a small cart. U.S. authorities have discovered more than 125 clandestine tunnels along the Mexican border since the early 1990s, though many were crude and incomplete.

This sounds like a real poopy deal until you discover that these people were entering this country illegally.

Tweet of the Week

PaulAzinger Paul Azinger

The”Class” you’re in, upper, middle or lower isn’t a constant!Upper class can end up broke(Mark Brunel) lower can end up rich! (Herman Cain)

Headlines

Lindsay Lohan sent back to jail

Wow. History does repeat itself.

Obama now less interested in assigning blame for economy…

Maybe because his administration is to blame for a lot of it?

A woman was caught smuggling 65 snakes in her bra!

Know one thing for sure. That was not the wife of this retired redneck.

MOTOWN TEETERS ON BRINK OF INSOLVENCY…

That would hurt my soul.

Redneck Joke of the Week

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra thin spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”

Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I’m thinking ’bout switching back to paper.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Rednecks Move Into the White House

Racin’

Martinsville was a wreckfest with several more Chase contenders taken out.

Texas Motor Speedway is next. Just three to go.

The picks:

1. Smoke
2. Carl Edwards
3. Dale Jr.
4. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week:

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley-Camouflage

Redneck Video of the Week:

Mike Kelly, a Chevy/Cadillac dealer in western PA…got himself elected to congress last term….listen to him take the entire congress to the “woodshed”.

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Great Ways to Annoy Yankees

1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football, ACC basketball, and NASCAR.
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie – John Michael – Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War” Always interject that “there weren’t nothing Civil about it.”
10. Address all males as “son” and women as “honey.”

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week:                            19 – 10           .655

Season:                                 174 – 61         .740

There really is only one game this week – Bama/LSU that really matters, but we will pickem anyways.

Boston College loses to Fla State

Tulsa loses to Central Fla

LSU loses to Alabama

South Carolina loses to Arkansas

Fla Atlantic loses to Ark State

Missouri loses to Baylor

Vandy loses to Florida

Fla International loses to WKY

LA Tech loses to Fresno State

New Mexico State loses to Georgia

UAB loses to Houston

Duke loses to Miami

Ole Miss loses to KY

Troy loses to Navy

NC State loses to NC

Wake Forest loses to Notre Dame

Texas A&M loses to Oklahoma

Kansas State loses to Okie State

So. Fla loses to Rutgers

E. Carolina loses to So. Miss

Tulane loses to SMU

Middle Tenn loses to Tennessee

Texas Tech loses to Texas

Wyoming loses to TCU

Rice loses to UTEP

Maryland loses to VA

Louisville loses to WVA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“There is no dollar sign on a peace of mind”

-Zac Brown Band (Chicken Fried)

Issue 141

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba and Earl had one of their extended Beer Summits over the weekend and solved all of the world’s problems. Due to an acute case of beer amnesia, they can’t remember any of the solutions. They will have to try it again next weekend.
• Why don’t the “occupiers” go to OPEC? Oil is way over priced for no other reason than greed and opulence………….
• Bubba and Earl are thinking it’s time to replace the group in the White House with the guys down at the Waffle House.
• We need a “uniting” leader worse than bad.
• My redneck daughter fixed kids’ shoes at school using duct tape and zip ties. Proud Redneck Dad!
• The poLIEticians are tricking us and treating themselves.
• I developed an inflamation in my right eye. I tried to get the eye doctor to say that it is a severe allergic reaction to housework. She didn’t buy it. Maybe the wife of a redneck will.
• Happy Halloween!
• God bless America, our troops, and the Texas Rangers!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Cops Hunt Man Who Firebombed Taco Bell Because His Chalupas Had Too Little Meat

Georgia police are hunting for the aggrieved Taco Bell customer who threw a Molotov cocktail at the restaurant’s drive-thru window after phoning in a complaint that there was not enough meat in the chalupas he had purchased.

The bizarre incident occurred around 5 AM Sunday at a Taco Bell on North Slappey Boulevard in Albany. The small blaze did not cause injuries or damage to the building.

According to a police report, Taco Bell manager Cynthia Thompson told cops that, shortly before the firebombing, a man called the restaurant to complain about a reported meat shortage in his “two XL Chalupas.” The caller told Thompson that “after getting home realized that there was not enough stuffing inside of his chalupas, and demanded his order be corrected.”

When Thompson explained that she “could not accommodate him because the business was closing,” the man replied, “You must be one of them niggers up there.” He added, “That’s alright, I’ll just come and redecorate the place.”

Thompson said that shortly after the call she and other Taco Bell employees “could smell gasoline but was unaware of where it was coming from. They then realized the fire outside of the drive thru window.”

Investigators found the makeshift incendiary device–a “melting plastic bottle with a liquid substance still inside”–outside the Taco Bell, where a large sign beckons patrons to “Come Try The New XXL Chalupa. Bigger Is Better.”

The search for the firebomb suspect has been hampered since the video feed from the drive-thru window was of poor quality, cops reported.

Tweet of the Week

RickWarren Rick Warren

The most expensive gift you can give kids is your time.

Headlines

NCAA pushes $2K payment for student athletes

Not sure the athletes can stand the pay cut.

Beavis and Butt-Head are bringing stupid back

Stupid never left. Just look at Congress.

President Obama calls for an end to NBA lockout

Doesn’t he know he has a bigger stalemate in Congress.

Woman attacks nephew for using her toilet paper

Must not have been done reading it yet.

Redneck Joke of the Week

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Happy Halloween!

Racin’

Dega was as unpredictable as I predicted.

Martinsville short tracking this week. The picks:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Denny Hamlin
3. Mark Martin
4. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup (Unedited Version)

Redneck Video of the Week:

Jetman – Grand Canyon

The Grand Canyon was probably selected for the flight due to the great scenery.  Seems risky though with the various wind currents.  Great scenery to watch. Don’t try this at home.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=D&q=http://www.youtube.com/v/WgdIE2t8QkM%3F****

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Story from a Kansas State

Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73  just East of Sedan , KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what

was she so afraid  of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”

Seniors – Don’t mess with them.

They didn’t get old by being stupid.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             15 – 11           .577

Season                                  155 – 51         .752

Had a bad week with the pickins last week. I have recalibrated the prognosticator machine with a good lick from a hammer. Hope it is better. If not, I will go get a bigger hammer.

Rice loses to Houston

VA loses to Miami

BYU loses to TCU

Vandy loses to Arkansas

North Texas loses to Ark State

Ole Miss loses to Auburn

GA Tech loses to Clemson

Tulane loses to E. Carolina

Fla loses to Georgia

NC State loses to Fla State

Louisville loses to Syracuse

WKY loses to LA – Monroe

San Jose State loses to LA Tech

UAB loses to Marshall

Boston College loses to Maryland

LA – Lafayette loses to Middle Tenn

Kentucky loses to Miss State

Wake Forest loses to NC

Oklahoma loses to Kansas State (Upset of the Week)

Baylor loses to Oklahoma State

Tennessee loses to S. Carolina

UTEP loses to So. Miss

Kansas loses to Texas

Missouri loses to Texas A&M

Iowa State loses to Texas Tech

Tulsa loses to SMU

Memphis loses to Central Fla

Duke loses to VA Tech

Rutgers loses to WVA

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of knowing u did your best to become the best that u are capable of being.

-John Wooden

Issue 139

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba says that he doesn’t suffer from insanity. He rather enjoys it.
• I like naps.
  • Favorite player – NAPoli
  • Favorite place – NAPles
  • Favorite foreign leader – NAPoleon
  • Favorite wine region – NAPa
  • Favorite auto parts – NAPa
• Partisan politics has paralyzed us, people!
• I hope that the passion exhibited at the Occupy Rallies is exhibited at the ballot box next November.
• Happy birthday to my redneck son!
• The phone is ringing, but it is only a paid political robocall. Almost enough to drop regular phone lines.
• Education of our children should be everyone’s top priority.
• With the Blackberry blackout and Apple sucking up all the bandwidth with its updates, the tech world almost came to a standstill this week.
• US Postal Service has the nation’s largest fleet. Why don’t we quit delivering mail on Tuesday and Saturday? I would rather get my junk mail only four days a week. Besides USPS could save money on fuel and it would reduce pollution.
• God bless America and our troops.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Suspect’s Cell Phone Dials 911 During Burglary

NEW CASTLE (KDKA) — Three people are facing charges – all because a thief’s cell phone dialed 911 during a burglary.

Police say the men allegedly broke into a garage in the 500-block of Harber Street in New Castle.

According to investigators, when 911 got the call, they heard male voices and a lot of noise and figured a burglary was in progress.

Dispatchers pinged the call, got the address and sent a police officer to the scene. When police got there, the officer saw three males in a truck filled with metal and pulled them over on Bell Avenue.The men were then arrested.

Nikia Goode, Vernon Bundy and Johnny Taylor are facing charges of criminal conspiracy, burglary, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property and marijuana possession.

Goode also faces a driving violation charge.

That’s what you call a smart phone!

Tweet of the Week

@FlyyounginnKyle

MOM ALWAYS SAID If you can’t find something to live for, then you best find something to die for.

Headlines

Part of Obama health plan canceled

They cancelled the long-term care component because they couldn’t find a way to make it fiscally possible. How ‘bout the rest of it?

Mexico’s Newest Export to U.S. May Be Water

But can we drink it?

Pelosi Left Out of Leaders Meeting on Super Committee…

There is some good news!

FEMA asks family to return thousands in aid money, tells them they actually weren’t eligible for assistance

Why are they asking? Go get it back.

Redneck Joke of the Week

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.  And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn’t put it quite like that.  She actually said…

“Dad I have decided to work for Obama’s re-election campaign.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The Chase is getting tighter. Who will win at Charlotte this week?

The picks:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Carl Edwards
3. Kevin Harvick
4. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Bless The Broken Road” – Rascal Flatts

Redneck Video of the Week:

Jeff Foxworthy-Redneck Fashion Tips Part 1

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Senior Texting

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD:                           At The Doctor’s

BFF:                           Best Friend Fainted

BTW:                          Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT:                        Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:                          Covered By Medicare

CGU:                          Can’t get up

CUATSC:                  See You At The Senior Center

DWI:                           Driving While Incontinent

FWBB:                       Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:                        Forgot Where I Was

FYI:                             Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:                     Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:                          Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:                       Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:                         Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO:                        Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:                            Living On Lipitor

LWO:                          Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR:                       On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:                       Oh My! Sorry Gas.

ROFL… CGU:           Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

TTYL:                          Talk To You Louder

WAITT:                       Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA:                        Wet The Furniture Again

WTP:                          Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO:                      Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI:                       (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             23 – 5             .821

Season                                  122 – 35         .777

Ole Miss loses to Bama

Louisville loses to Cincy

Maryland loses to Clemson

Memphis loses to E. Carolina

Florida loses to Auburn

WKY loses to Fla Atlantic

Vandy loses to Georgia

VA loses to GA Tech

Tennessee loses to LSU

North Texas loses to LA – Lafayette

Rice loses to Marshall

Miami loses to NC

Kansas loses to Oklahoma

Texas loses to Okla State

Miss State loses to S. Carolina

UConn loses to So. Fla

Central Fla loses to SMU

Baylor loses to TX A&M

Texas Tech loses to Kansas State (Upset Special of the Week)

Bowling Green loses to Toledo

UTEP loses to Tulane

UAB loses to Tulsa

Wake Forest loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips