Posts Tagged ‘Redneck Coast Guard’

Issue #11

Redneck Ramblins

1. Veteran’s Day November 11th    Freedom is not free. Somebody had to pay for it. Thanks to all the veterans that I still have the right to write what I think and to still write it in English!!
2. Two more Auburn students died this week after using rectal thermometers. Yep, died of brain damage.
3. Why is it that I know more about the background of Joe “The Plumber” than I do about the next President of the United States?
4. I’m ready for change! First, congress needs to live under the same laws as us little people. So, they should have to retire on social security and they should have to obey the Do Not Call List, not be exempt from it. I want them to change and do the right things for America not just what lines their pockets and gets them re-elected. I want them to stop earmarks. I want them to cut federal spending by 10% just like every company and citizen has had to do. I want them to stop the partisan politics.
5. How about term limits? These politicians need to get real jobs some time in their lives.
6. Buy American! Let’s keep what little money we have left in this country. Good luck finding something that is still made in the US of A.
7. Saw many people last week at the races that had a balance problem. They probably had blood in their alcohol system. Screwed them up bad.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (compliments of Mrs. Redneck, the teacher)

How would you pronounce this child’s name: ‘Le-a’ ???

Leah??  NO
Lee – A??   NOPE
Lay – a??    NO
Lei?? Guess  Again.

It’s pronounced ‘Ledasha’
Oh yes…you read it right.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said ‘the dash don’t be silent.’

Redneck Joke of the Week

George Phillips, 82,  a redneck from Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars , a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’ Don’t mess with old rednecks.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’ at Phoenix

If you’re not sure yet whether you’re a NASCAR fan, maybe we can help with that, too.
(With apologies to comic Jeff Foxworthy)

- If you actually know what Goody’s Headache Powder is and have proudly worn Dickies, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you understand how Carl Edwards has more wins, more top-five finishes, more top-10 finishes and more prize money this season than Jimmie Johnson yet has no chance to catch him in the Chase for the Sprint Cup – and you don’t like it much – you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you call your wife during the middle of your daily commute to report that you’re a little loose in the corners, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If she tells you, “Then keep the dang thing out of the marbles,” she might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you believe there is a heaven and that it will be something like having a motor home in the infield, you might be a NASCAR fan.
- If you suspect hell also exists and that it may resemble Rattlesnake Hill but figure, hey, as long as there’s beer . . . You might be a NASCAR fan. — Arizona Republic

Racin Picks of the Week – Homestead

1. Greg Biffle
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Carl Edwards

Ain’t True

Dog bites reporter
By BEN FELLER
WASHINGTON (AP) — Talk about a biting critique of the press.

It seems President Bush’s dog Barney wasn’t much in the mood for friendly attention during his walk outside the White House on Thursday. So when Reuters reporter Jon Decker reached down to pet the Scottish terrier, the seemingly docile dog snapped at him and bit Decker’s right index finger.

Reporter April Ryan of American Urban Radio Networks happened to capture the moment on video.

And, naturally, it soon wound up on YouTube. The video comes to an end with a freeze frame on Barney’s fangs.

Barney won’t have to worry about bothersome reporters much longer. The Bush administration ends in 75 days, and the president is headed back to Texas.

Sally McDonough, a spokeswoman for first lady Laura Bush, said of Barney: “I think it was his way of saying he was done with the paparazzi.”

Mrs. Bush asked McDonough to call Decker and make sure he was fine. She reports that Decker “is being a good sport about it all.”

The intrepid reporter got bandaged up by the White House doctor.

As he says in the YouTube clip: “I got bit by Barney, and unfortunately it broke the skin, and I have to be on antibiotics for the next few days.”

Consider it a cautionary tale. The incoming president, Barack Obama, has promised to buy daughters Malia and Sasha a puppy.

I would like to bite the media and I think Bush would too! It ain’t true that W told Barney to sic ‘em.

Redneck Song of the Week

In honor of the end of summer…

Craig Morgan – Redneck Yacht Club
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsGOX7DMVCg

Redneck Video of the Week

Redneck 911
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/687189/3109318

Redneck Education Tip of the Week: Medical Training

Artery………………….The study of paintings.

Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium………………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section…………A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan…………………Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize……………….Made eye contact with her.

Coma……………………A punctuation mark.

Dilate………………….To live long.

Enema…………………..Not a friend.

Fester………………….Quicker than someone else.

Fibula………………….A small lie.

Hangnail………………..What you hang your coat on.

Impotent………………..Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain………………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff……………A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid………………….A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates………………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node……………………I knew it.

Pelvis………………….Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative…………..A letter carrier.

Rectum………………….Darn near killed him.

Seizure…………………Roman emperor.

Tablet………………….A small table.

Tumor…………………..More than one.

Urine…………………..Opposite of you’re out

Varicose………………..Near by

Rebel Football Pickins

Last Week Record        9 – 3    .750
Season Record                 100 – 30    .769

Louie’s Losers

Miami upset by Va Tech
Hokies kicking game kicks the thugs

Miss St loses to #1 Bama
Tide Rolls again, but Miss St defense will make it tough

Texas A&M loses to Baylor
Aggies get baptized in Waco

Duke loses to Clemson
Blue Devil’s brains cannot overcome Clemson’s talent

Auburn loses to Georgia
Dawg’s ruin Auburn’s one game winning streak

S. Carolina loses to Fla
Ole Ball Coach wishes he was still coaching the Gators!

Boston College loses to Fla State
Might be a different result if this game was played up North

Troy loses to LSU
Cajuns beat 2nd best team in Alabama

La – Monroe loses to Ole Miss
Bet the double-wide special of the week

Maryland loses to NC
Tar Heels win at home in a close one

Colorado loses to Okie State
Buffaloes get stampeded at home

Rutgers loses to S. Fla
Speed kills the Scarlet Knights

Kansas loses to Texas
Lawrence’s losers lose to Longhorns

UAB loses to Tulane
Green Wave defeat 3rd best team in Alabama

NC State loses to Wake Forest
A dandy of a game in the ACC

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week

“I’ve seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I’ve seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. “
-Gov. George C. Wallace