Posts Tagged ‘redneck joke’

Issue 138

Redneck Ramblins

• They say that if you are doing something then you are gonna make mistakes. Then Tony Romo must be doin’ a lot.
• Besides the impact on the polls, coaches now have another reason to run up the score. No lead is safe after Cowboys and Aggies last weekend.
• The jobs bill is nothing more than another stimulus package with a different name. Been there done that twice already and they were absolute failures. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity!
• TCU has been invited to the Big XII? (Which is actually the Big IX with A&M leaving and maybe the Big VIII if Missouri leaves too.)
• Reggie Jackson certainly doesn’t have to worry about losing his title of Mr. October to ARod.
• ALCS = ARod Latest Clutch Strikeout
• So Palin and Christie are running! Running FROM the presidential nomination! Smart people.
• Herman Cain is the only one that is making sense. ‘Course he isn’t a true poLIEtician and probably won’t be elected any way.
• Obama is telling the GOP to quit playing partisan politics. Starts at the top, Bud!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Westboro Church Uses iPhone to Announce Steve Jobs Funeral Protest

The Westboro Baptist Church took to an iPhone when they heard about Steve Jobs’ death Wednesday night, sending out a message saying the Apple founder would be going to hell and calling for a protest of his funeral.

“Westboro will picket his funeral. He had a huge platform; gave God no glory and taught sin,” wrote Margie Phelps, daughter of the church’s founder.

The controversial group often pickets outside of soldiers’ funerals to draw media attention to their cause, which includes anti-gay material. Phelps tweeted the messages from her account, with an automatic note appearing at the bottom of the Tweet saying “via Twitter for iPhone.”

“No peace for man who served self, not God,” she wrote with the hashtag, #hellgreetedhim. “Westboro must picket.”

Thursday morning, Phelps responded to widespread criticism of her using the iPhone to Tweet the messages, saying that the phone was created by God–not Jobs–for that purpose.

“Rebels mad cuz I used iPhone to tell you Steve Jobs is in hell.God created iPhone for that purpose!  ” she wrote.

Arrangements for Jobs’ funeral haven’t been announced.

Tweet of the Week

@Lady31RCRSheri Albritton

RT @zachlutz: 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

Headlines

Man Arrested For 65th Time After Holding Woman And Her Children Hostage

I think I pick up on a trend here.

OBAMA: AMERICANS FRUSTRATED -- WITH BANKS...

And that ain’t all, partner!

Biden to Fifth Graders: It's All Bush's Fault...

Just like a true poLIEtician!

Hank Williams tells ESPN: Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE…

Atta boy, Bochephus!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

I’m Retired and Got an RV

Racin’

The Chase is tightin’ up! Kansas Speedway this weekend:

The picks:

1. Carl Edwards
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Jeff Gordon
4. Anybody but a Busch!

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brantley Gilbert - Country Must Be Country Wide

Redneck Video of the Week:

Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Athletes’ Wit

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.

Doug Sanders, professional golfer

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.

Vic Braden, tennis instructor

Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.

Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.

John Breen, Houston Oilers

The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.

Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day..

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”

Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                             19 – 7                         .731

Season                                  99 – 30                       .767

WKY loses to Middle Tennessee

Vandy loses to Bama

Auburn loses to Arkansas

LA – Monroe loses to Arkansas State

Iowa State loses to Baylor

Boston College loses to Clemson

Akron loses to Fla International

Georgia loses to Tennessee

Maryland loses to GA Tech

East Carolina loses to Houston

Florida loses to LSU

Idaho loses to LA Tech

Missouri loses to Kansas State

So Miss loses to Navy

Central Mich loses to NC State

Louisville loses to NC

Fla Atlantic loses to N. Texas

Texas loses to Oklahoma

Kansas loses to Okie State

Memphis loses to Rice

Kentucky loses to S. Carolina

San Diego State loses to TCU

Texas Tech loses to Texas A&M

LA – Lafayette loses to Troy

Miami loses to VA Tech

UAB loses to Miss State

Marshall loses to Central Fla

Wake Forest loses to Fla State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”

Steve Jobs

Issue 136

Redneck Ramblins

• Wish we would see as much outrage on election day as we saw against the changes on Facebook.
• There are just some countries that cannot live in a civilized society with any kind of rational governance. Why do we keep pouring trillions into these places?
• It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know what conference your school is in?
• Amazing the musical chairs games these universities are playing. It is all about the cash.
• Congress. Please cut 15% of your spending immediately. That is what your citizens have had to do for the past 3 years. Yes. 15% across the board including social security and medicare. There is enough waste and fraud in these areas to well cover the reduction without any rightful recipient suffering.
• Haven’t heard from Bubba and Earl in quite a while. Maybe they got hit by that falling satellite or maybe they are just at one of their lengthy beer summits.
• I would certainly like to see all Americans pay their fair share of taxes – even the 50% that pay no taxes at all.
• Everyone seems surprised that the market is crashing. Do you have any confidence in the economy or gummit leadership?
• I do not wish any ill will on anybody, but I do wish some of our federal government leaders would eat more cantaloupes.
• Charlie Sheen says that he really was losing just as its announcement that he is receiving a $25 million settlement? Go way please and take Lohan with you.
• Dear Sears Part Dept. Sending me an e-mail telling me my part shipped two days after I received it is a fail. Fast shipping is a win.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Horses 9, 1 and 1 finish first on Sept. 11

ELMONT, N.Y., Sept. 13 (UPI) — The Belmont Park racetrack in New York state said the first three winners on the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks bore the numbers 9, 1 and 1.

The Elmont track, which served as a staging area for workers and emergency vehicles in the days following the attacks, said horses bearing the numbers were the first three winners Sunday, the New York Post reported Tuesday.

“The odds were probably about a million to one,” said David Jacobson, the trainer at Drawing Away Stable, which owns the first two winners from Sunday.

“It’s unimaginable. We were amazed.”

The pick-three result paid $18.60 for a $2 bet, the racetrack said.

Tweet of the Week

mcuban Mark Cuban

The Most Patriotic Thing You Can Do: Bust your ass and get rich. Make a boatload of money. Pay your taxes. Lots .

Headlines

A $16 muffin? Justice Dept. audit finds ‘wasteful’ and extravagant spending

Really? In our national gummit?

Markets sink as Fed unveils stimulus plan

No more stimulation, please!

Ex-Giant: Fewell teaches how to fake injuries

Should have gotten a pro soccer player.

Last Meal -Brewer’s order of two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and a pound of barbecue with a half loaf of white bread

The ol’ boy went out fuller than a tick.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.  A few minutes later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it’s now $150.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Texas A&M vs Baylor

Racin’

Smoke smoked ‘em in rainy Chicago to start the Chase.

Loudon, New Hampshire this week.  The picks:

1. Smoke
2. Newman
3. Truex, Jr.
4. Anybody but a Busch.

Ain’t True

OKLAHOMA CITY — Authorities are warning military families about a cruel hoax. The Oklahoma National Guard was notified about an alleged incident involving two people acting as military personnel.

They allegedly told a metro woman her husband had been killed in combat.

The National Guard tells us Tinker Air Force Base alerted them to the alleged incident.

Officials report the two people showed up at her home in Oklahoma City and wanted her to sign a few papers.

The woman contacted military officials and found out her husband was fine.

The Oklahoma National Guard is now warning all military personnel.

It has posted a warning on Face book.

It says in part:

“Notification of death or serious injury will always be made by a member of the same branch of the U.S. Armed Forces as the service member. Notification officers will always be in a dress uniform and never in any type of field (camouflage) uniform. Notification officers will always present paperwork with information about the service member to include full name, date of birth, social security number and the names of family members that should be notified of the injury or death. If the family of a deployed service member believes they are the intended victim or victims of a hoax involving individuals claiming to be members of the U.S. Armed Forces, they should call the Oklahoma National Guard at (405) 228-5000 and report the incident.”

Hope they catch these low lifes. Hanging is too good for them.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brooks & Dunn - Hillbilly Deluxe

Redneck Video of the Week:

In My Seat….

(this is long, but one of the most impactful videos I have seen. Watch it ‘til the end.)

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

True story and most people will never know it.

Here’s an interesting side bar. After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941, they could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California to finish what they started. The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River. Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships……all fighting the Germans. So, why did they not invade?

After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question. Their answer……they know that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them.

That’s why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.

Food for thought when next we consider gun control.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 7             .731

Season                      59 – 15           .797

NC State loses to Cincy

Central Fla loses to BYU

Arkansas loses to Bama

Fla Atlantic loses to Auburn

Rice loses to Baylor

Tulsa loses to Boise State

Clemson loses to Fla State (Upset special of the week)

Tulane loses to Duke

UAB loses to E. Carolina

Kentucky loses to Florida

LA – Lafayette loses to Fla International

Ole Miss loses to Georgia

North Carolina loses to GA Tech

North Texas loses to Indiana

LA Monroe loses to Iowa

WVA loses to LSU

Temple loses to Maryland

Kansas State loses to Miami

Bowling Green loses to Miami (OH)

LA Tech loses to Miss State

Missouri loses to Oklahoma

Vandy loses to S. Carolina

UTEP loses to S. Fla

Memphis loses to SMU

Okla State loses to Texas A&M

Nevada loses to Texas Tech

Middle TN loses to Troy

So. Miss loses to VA

Marshall loses to VA Tech

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.
Socrates

Issue 134

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba says that beer gets better with age. The older he gets, the better he likes it.
• Notice how peaceful and calm it was when Congress and POTUS were away from Washington? They didn’t mess up anything either.
• Earl just added $100 to the value of his truck. He filled it up with gas.
• My theology does not support karma, but in a couple cases I hope I am wrong.
• Happy to give a hand up, but hacked to give a hand out.
• Happy wife = happy life. Therefore, the woman formerly known as Mrs. Redneck is now known as the wife of a retired redneck.
• Presidential debates 14months from the election? Haven’t we all suffered enough already?
• You know that you are going to have a bad day when Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel shows up in your area.
• Ten years ago my hero died. The day we buried him America lost a bunch of heroes. Miss you Daddy!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Drunk Moose Found in Tree

STOCKHOLM (AP) — A seemingly intoxicated moose has been discovered entangled in an apple tree by a stunned Swede.

Per Johansson says he heard a roar from his vacationing neighbor’s garden in southwestern Sweden late Tuesday and went to have a look. There, he found a female moose kicking about in the tree. The animal was likely drunk from eating fermented apples.

With the help of police and rescue services, the 45-year-old Johansson later managed to set the moose free in part by sawing off tree branches.

But the animal appeared confused and wandered into Johansson’s garden, where she was still resting Thursday.

Other neighbors in the Goteborg suburb Saro had seen the animal sneaking around the area for days. Johansson said the moose appeared to be sick, drunk or “half-stupid.”

Bubba had that happen to him once. He blamed Earl for overserving him and sticking him in the tree.

Tweet of the Week

@THEHermanCainHerman Cain

We waited 30 months for this?

Headlines

Should Obama apologize for Hoffa ‘SOB’ remarks?

Why? They wouldn’t mean it.

Can low confidence spur recession?

Low confidence in the economy or the poLIEticians ?

Obama, Bernanke speak; markets fall…

Y’all please shut up. Us retirees can’t stand for too much more talk.

Obama asks if GOP will ‘put country before party’

Pot calling the kettle black. We need a uniter not a divider.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The RedneckTruckers

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”

Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The last race before the Chase. Richmond!

The picks:

1. Jeff Gordon
2. Denny Hamlin
3. Clint Bowyer
4. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Tennessee police said they got a shock on Saturday when they discovered a wild raccoon in the car of a Parkersburg man arrested for streaking at a NASCAR event.

Joshua Greene, 27, was naked when officers arrested him in a local subdivision in Bristol, Tenn., said Bristol Police Capt. Matt Austin.

Multiple witnesses called police after Greene went streaking through Pit Row Market, where concerts were being held for the weekend’s races, Austin said.

During the investigation, officers were surprised when they saw that Greene was keeping a live raccoon confined in the backseat of his car, Austin said.

“He had it in a large plastic tote with some holes in it so it could breathe,” he said. “I wouldn’t let officers open the tote until the Wildlife Agency got there to tell us what to do with it.”

The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency was called out to safely remove the wild animal.

Greene and his girlfriend found the raccoon in nearby Warriors’ Path State Park and chased it into their car, Austin said.

“They had in their minds, for their reasons, that they were rescuing it,” he said.

Police charged Greene with public intoxication and indecent exposure. The Wildlife Agency charged him with being in possession of a wild animal.

Greene was taken to the Sullivan County Jail $1,500 bail. He was released Sunday, a Circuit Court clerk said.

Ain’t true that this is how NASCAR fans act. Most of us don’t have wild raccoons in our backseats.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Rodney Atkins – It’s America

Redneck Video of the Week:

A Tribute to 9-11

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Interesting when it’s put into a prospective that people can understand,…

Why S&P downgraded the USA’s credit rating,…..

• U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
• Federal budget: $3,820,000,000,000
• New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
• National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
• Recent budget cuts: $38,500,000,000

Let’s remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s a Household Budget
• Annual family income: $21,700
• Money the family spent: $38,200
• New debt on the credit card: $16,500
• Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
• Total budget cuts: $385

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 3             .864

Season                      19 – 3             .864

Arizona loses to Okla State

Fla International loses to Louisville

Penn State loses to Alabama

New Mexico loses to Arkansas

Memphis loses to Arkansas State

UAB loses to Florida

Middle Tenn loses to GA Tech

North Texas loses to Houston

Central Mich loses to Kentucky

Marshall loses to So. Miss

Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan State

Auburn loses to Miss State

W Ky loses to Navy

Rutgers loses to North Carolina

UTEP loses to SMU

Georgia loses to South Carolina

Ball State loses to So. Florida

TCU loses to Air Force (Upset Special of the Week)

Cincinnati loses to Tennessee

BYU loses to Texas

Tulane loses to Tulsa

UConn loses to Vanderbilt

Boston College loses to Central Fla

Indiana loses to Virginia

E Carolina loses to VA Tech

Wake Forest loses to NC State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shattered steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.
America was targeted for attack because we’re the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining.
Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of America — with the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could

George W. Bush.

Issue 102

Redneck Ramblins

• Bought a new watch the other day. It says that it is water resistant to 100 meters. If I am 100 meters under water, the last thing I’m gonna worry about is my watch.
• Bubba was up to Auburn last week and stayed in a motel. He called the front desk and said “I gotta leak in my sink”. They said “go ahead”.
• Got some gruff from some up North wondering why I don’t pick the losers of football games other than the South. First, the prognosticatin’ machine only works south of the Mason-Dixon line.  Second, it don’t matter. Real football is only played in the South.
• Stephen Hawking says that Creation came ‘from nothing,’ not God. Wonder what God thinks of all that?
• Stop organized crime. Don’t re-elect anyone.
• Rev. Jessie was in Detroit last week promoting “green” cars and jobs. Funny thing happened. His big ol’ Caddy Escalade was stolen and stripped.  Why wasn’t he driving an electric car? Oh, the hypocrisy.
• I have my annual visit with the ophthalmologist and Mrs. Redneck asks if I have any changes in my vision. Nope. Still can’t see far away; still can’t see up close; and I still can’t see my butt going back to work.
• This Saturday, September 11^th, is Patriots Day. Take time to reflect on who your real heroes are. Are they the ones with numbers on their jerseys or those that protect you, serve for you, teach you, minister to you? I have a special hero to remember that day. On 9/11/2001, we buried Daddy.
• God bless America and its Patriots.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

A Dallas man abandoned an 11-month old boy in the back of a Buick after officers pulled him over last month for driving an unregistered car, police said.

Around 9:15 p.m. Aug. 16, a Dallas police officer stopped the man in the 9700 block of Royal Lane after his car came up as unregistered. The driver pulled into a Lake Highlands apartment complex, got out of his car and fled. The officer chased the man on foot, but he got away.

When the officer returned to search the Buick, he found a baby in the back seat. Dallas police said the officer pulled the baby from the car and played with him until he was given to Child Protective Service. The baby was later released to family members.

Police are still looking for the suspect and said they believe he was driving a stolen car.

Candidate for father of the year?

Headlines

Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining (WFAA.com)

Economy is so bad they don’t want to come here anymore.

Ferrari recalls $230,000 458 Italia supercar (CNNMoney.com)

What am I gonna drive in the meantime?

White House: No second stimulus (CNN.com)

Like the first one worked so well…………….

BP shifts U.S. oil spill blame onto contractors (Reuters)

Must have learned that strategy from their friends in Washington

Redneck Joke of the Week

How To Start A Fight
________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, ”He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.’  I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Tony “Smoke” Stewart won his first of the year in a great race in Atlanta. This week is the fast short track of Richmond. Since the Chase lineup is almost set and nobody will be worried about points racin’, the race will be all about winning. Could be super exciting.

The picks:

1.      Kyle Busch

2.      Denny Hamlin

3.      Smoke

Ain’t True

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Story ain’t true, but still funny.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Randy Houser – Whistlin’ Dixie

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Redneck Video of the Week:

Cell Phone With Many Functions

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Why Teachers Drink

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 (17 – 3            .850)

Season                       (17 – 3            .850)

What a start to the College Football season! How about East Carolina’s last second “Hail Mary” against Tulsa, Maryland – Navy, LSU – NC,  and the Boise St. – VA Tech game? I had picked VA Tech as my upset of the week. Had to send the prognosticator to the shop this week to get the timing chain adjusted. Missed that one by a minute.

Miss State loses to Auburn

Bulldogs barely miss takin’ a bite out of the Tigers.

Marshall loses to West VA

Thundering Herd can’t get up the hill.

UTEP loses to Houston

Hope Houston dries out enough from Hermine.

Penn State loses to Bama

Speed kills and Bama has the speed on offense and defense.

LA-Monroe loses to Arkansas

No contest for the Razorhogs.

Buffalo loses to Baylor

The Bears baptize the Bulls.

Memphis loses to East Carolina

Pilots prevail even with an emotional letdown.

South Florida loses to Florida

Gators struggled offensively last week, but not this week.

Kansas loses to GA Tech

Jayhawks lost last week to Division II team and lose this week too.

W. KY loses to Kentucky

Intra-state game goes to the Wildcats.

Vandy loses to LSU

SEC matchup that goes the Bayou Bengal’s way.

Fla Atlantic loses to Michigan St

Spartans run up the score

Tulane loses to Ole Miss

Rebels embarrassed last week, but win this week.

Florida St loses to Oklahoma

Semiholes lose on the road in Boomer Sooner land

Troy loses to Okie State

Trojans thumped in Stillwater

UAB loses to SMU

Mustangs made a game of it against Texas Tech and win it this week

Wyoming loses to Texas

Longhorns rev it up against the Cowboys.

New Mexico loses to Texas Tech

Tuberville straightens out some stuff this week.

Bowling Green loses to Tulsa

BG has a gutter ball against the Hurricanes

LA Tech loses to Texas A&M

Aggies gain some confidence

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.”
- Bernard Bailey

Issue 100

Redneck Ramblins

• Favre has un-retired again? That boy needs some counseling. This retired redneck could help him understand that retirement is a great thing. (reprint from Issue 50 – Aug 2009)
• Hung jury? They shoulda hung Blagojevich!
• Looks like Roger Clemens “misremembered” a bunch.
• Takes one to know one. Congress should know all about liars.
• Something is really wrong when you see Halloween stuff in stores in mid-August. Of course Christmas stuff will be in the stores about Labor Day.
• LA just opened a $578 million school. No wonder they are going broke. The thing cost more than the Chinese Olympic Stadium.
• More than 550 million eggs recalled. That’s a bunch of rotten eggs.
• Bubba took his grandma to the rastlin’ match this week. Not to watch it. She was in it!
• Thanks to all the teachers. You make a difference. Too bad we don’t pay you what you are worth. Mrs. Redneck and redneck daughter, I’m proud of you!
• God bless America and God bless our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Philly requiring bloggers to pay $300 for a business license

By: Mark Hemingway
Commentary Staff Writer

It looks like cash hungry local governments are getting awfully rapacious these days:

Between her blog and infrequent contributions to ehow.com, over the last few years she says she’s made about $50. To [Marilyn] Bess, her website is a hobby. To the city of Philadelphia, it’s a potential moneymaker, and the city wants its cut.

In May, the city sent Bess a letter demanding that she pay $300, the price of a business privilege license.

“The real kick in the pants is that I don’t even have a full-time job, so for the city to tell me to pony up $300 for a business privilege license, pay wage tax, business privilege tax, net profits tax on a handful of money is outrageous,” Bess says.

It would be one thing if Bess’ website were, well, an actual business, or if the amount of money the city wanted didn’t outpace her earnings six-fold. Sure, the city has its rules; and yes, cash-strapped cities can’t very well ignore potential sources of income. But at the same time, there must be some room for discretion and common sense.

When Bess pressed her case to officials with the city’s now-closed tax amnesty program, she says, “I was told to hire an accountant.”

She’s not alone. After dutifully reporting even the smallest profits on their tax filings this year, a number — though no one knows exactly what that number is — of Philadelphia bloggers were dispatched letters informing them that they owe $300 for a privilege license, plus taxes on any profits they made.

Even if, as with Sean Barry, that profit is $11 over two years.

To say that these kinds of draconian measures are detrimental to the public discourse would be an understatement.

This blog’s income didn’t even cover the hosting fee for the last two years.

Headlines

Americans uncertain about Obama’s faith (USA Today)

And a lot of other things too!

Obama now blames poor job numbers on congressional inaction. Wait! His party runs Congress (LA Times)

I guess blaming the prior administration didn’t work. Now he is blaming his!

Little-known fact: Obama’s failed stimulus program cost more than the Iraq war (Washington Examiner)

Total costs of Iraq War is about $3 trillion. Obama’s stimulus is estimated at 15% more.  Just the first two years of Obama’s stimulus cost more than the entire cost of the Iraq War under President Bush, or six years of that war.
Amazing how the mainstream media has missed that. Or are they just protecting their beloved Dumbocrats?

GOP Leader: Obama Economic Team Should Go

And the rest of you too!

Redneck Joke of the Week

Redneck Buys a Mirror

An old redneck man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old redneck man was so happy he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the redneck wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “So this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”

Redneck Picture of the Week

John Deere Motorcyle Plows Through Traffic

Racin’

Rowdy Busch bumped, banged, and wrecked his way to an unprecedented sweep of the Bristol races – Camping World Truck, Nationwide, and Sprint Cup. Great racing, just the wrong dang winner.

The cup boys have the week off and race next at Atlanta.

Ain’t True

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. A Fayetteville man who was waiting for his case to be heard Friday drew the ire of Judge Toni King after starting to laugh in a Cumberland County courtroom. Authorities said King asked 47-year-old Johnny Montgomery why he was laughing, but the man refused to say.

King ordered Montgomery to jail on a misdemeanor charge. As deputies were preparing to take Montgomery to jail, they searched him and found more than 3 grams of crack cocaine.

Montgomery was charged with felony drug possession. Authorities said he was being processed Friday evening and does not yet have a court date or an attorney.

Ain’t true that the judge found this to be a laughing matter.

Redneck Song of the Week:

“Trailerhood” – Toby Keith

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Redneck Video of the Week:

Worst Boyfriend Ever:

Girlfriend Gets Hit by Line Drive as Boyfriend Leaps Out of Way

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

What We Are Saying – Part 3

Bite the Bullet

The phrase today means to just accept whatever situation you are in and push through it the best you can. The kids today say to just “suck it up”. The phrase originates from the days of the War of Northern Aggression in which battlefield doctors had little pain killers or alcohol. Sometimes, all they could do was to offer a solder a bullet to bite on while they did what they had to do (often very painful) to deal with the injuries.

Wet Behind the Ears

This refers to someone who has no knowledge or skill in a craft or assignment. It goes beyond just being a beginner. It means to know absolutely nothing. The origin is simple and refers to newborn animals that are wet from the womb. They dry slowly and the last place to dry is often behind their ears. Newborns are pretty helpless and know nothing just like someone who doesn’t know how to do something.

To Make Things Hum

Hmmm! Hmmmm! That’s the happy sounds of cotton mills working. What you didn’t want to hear was silence – when the machines broke down. So it took a lot of mechanical skills and management wisdom to make the cotton mill hum with productivity. Later, the phrase “to make things hum” slipped into common language to represent anytime someone made a project run efficiently.

To Be at the End of Your Rope

Today it means that you have used up all of your possible resources, solutions, ideas, etc. in order to surmount a problem you have. It originated from the tethering of horses – to allow them to eat but not run free.  A horse would eat in the area that his rope allowed. When the horse at all the grass that was easy, he then was stretching and eating the area that was “at the end of his rope”.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand.”

Woodrow Wilson
28th president of US (1856 – 1924)