Posts Tagged ‘Rick Perry’

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

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Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 133

RetiredRedneck is back! It is mere coincidence that the blog went off the grid at the same time that the Redneck Special Forces were deployed to Pakistan the same time as Osama showed up missing. The real cover story..I mean real story is that we had a bit of a software problem and a busy summer celebrating Mrs. Redneck’s significant birthday. Glad to be back writin’!

Redneck Ramblins

• Texas is hotter than heck and dryer than a Baptist preacher, trees are dying, the grass is brown, the lakes are drying up, foundations are cracking, wildfires are raging, but there are no mosquitoes!
• All is right with the world. Dale Earnhardt Jr. signs a 5 year extension with Hendricks and Danica is coming to NASCAR and college football season starts!
• Economists say the chance of a double dip recession is slim. Like an earthquake and hurricane hitting NYC in the same week? O crap!
• Texas A&M is leaving the Big XII (actually only X, but who’s counting). The conference is getting closer to being the Big 8 again.
• Rick Perry is running for President. That’s one way to get him out of Texas.
• Obama tried to play some politics this week when he announced his jobs speech was to be on the same night as the GOP televised presidential debate. He then relented and scheduled it for the next night. Now he has really made people mad. That is the start of the NFL season. Guess he doesn’t want anybody to watch him.
• The world is playing “Where in the World is Gaddafi”.
• Sports team used to say that their trainers and medical staff were the most valuable in getting their players back on the field. Now it is the lawyers.
• Customer service, common sense, and compromise have left the building. Maybe Elvis took em.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

(Reuters) – A 63-year-old California man with a hernia plunged a butter knife into his abdomen in an attempt to fix the problem, and later put a lit cigarette in the wound, police said on Tuesday.

Police found the man lying naked on the porch of his apartment in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale on Sunday night after his wife called to report his attempt at surgery, Glendale police spokesman Sergeant Tom Lorenz said.

“He actually impaled himself with the butter knife,” Lorenz said. “He told his wife he was frustrated with this hernia, and he didn’t want to wait any longer for the medical procedure.”

Police officers watched as the 63-year-old man, after pulling the knife out of his abdomen, put a lit cigarette into the wound, Lorenz said. “I don’t know if it was an attempt to cauterize or anything,” he said.

Police did not identify the man, but Lorenz said he committed no crime and was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He was taken to Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center, where he was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold, police said.

The hospital was expected to perform the surgery to fix his hernia, Lorenz said.

Bet this same guy tried self brain surgery with his drill last week.

Headlines

Productivity Tumbles

Of course it did. Everybody is drafting their fantasy football teams.

Powell & Rice Fire Back at Cheney Memoir

Why should the truth matter when you are trying to sell books.

Congress Approval Rate Less Than 12%

Didn’t realize they had that many family members and staff.

ECONOMY POLL: 2 OF 3 AMERICANS BLAME PRESIDENT…

Didn’t realize Obama had that many family members and staff.

Tweet of the Week

Understand that Azinger is a professional golfer. Golf is his business. ESPN later reprimanded Azinger and told him to lay off Obama.

Redneck Joke of the Week

If Men *really* Ran The World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”.

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Hotlanta this week. Only two races until the Chase begins.

The picks:

Kenseth

Johnson

Edwards

Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

FOLSOM, Calif. — Most inmates are trying to get out of prison, but authorities say they caught a California parolee trying to sneak back in.

Corrections Sgt. Tony Quinn says 48-year-old Marvin Lane Ussery was spotted late Wednesday night scaling the 7-foot tall, barbed wire-topped fence that encircles a large wooded area behind the California State Prison in Sacramento.

Quinn says Ussery served time at New Folsom for robbery before he was paroled in June 2009.

Officials are investigating whether Ussery was attempting to smuggle in drugs or cell phones, but say they haven’t found any contraband.
Ain’t true he was smugglin’. Life is harder on the outside.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Zac Brown Band performs “Chicken Fried” at the Grand Ole Opry

Redneck Video of the Week:

Redneck Tooth Pullin’

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A family has a gross annual income of $ 50,000

It spends $ 75,000 per year

It has $ 100,000 in credit card debt

It realizes it has a financial problem.

It had planned to spend $ 77,000 next year

It cut spending to $ 72,000

Then they called the credit card company to raise its credit line.

Crazy you say?

Congress just did that for our country, but the numbers are way bigger.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Western KY loses to Kentucky

Memphis loses to Miss State

Wake Forest loses to Syracuse

Baylor loses to TCU

Kent State loses to Alabama

Utah State loses to Auburn

Georgia loses to Boise State

Ole Miss loses to BYU

Troy loses to Clemson

Fla Atlantic loses to Florida

LA – Monroe loses to Florida State

UCLA loses to Houston

So. Florida loses to Notre Dame

Tulsa loses to Oklahoma

LA – Lafayette loses to Oklahoma State

Oregon loses to LSU (Upset Special of the Week)

Middle Tenn loses to Purdue

LA Tech loses to So. Miss

Rice loses to Texas

SMU loses to Texas A&M

Marshall loses to West VA

Maryland loses to Miami

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt