Posts Tagged ‘sign of the week’

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

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Please wait a moment and try again

Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 144

Redneck Ramblins

• In my opinion, all poLIEticians have had oops moments. Sometimes they say stuff that they can’t back up, don’t remember stuff they should say, and say stuff they shouldn’t. Remember in the last campaign when Obama said that he had visited 57 states and had one to go?
• Fall in Texas – that time of the year when you switch back and forth between the heater and the air conditioner.
• NBA = Nothing But Absurd
• I think both sides in the NBA issue have killed the golden goose. Not once have I heard either side mention the fans.
• NBA players miss 1st paychecks on 11/15: Kobe ($1,051,832 lost), LeBron ($667,603 lost), Dirk ($795,535 lost). Average player ($220,000 lost).
• US debt is now $15 trillion and still climbing. Stop the spending!
• Bubba and Earl heard about the hackers putting porn on Facebook. They are going to get a Facebook account…..as soon as they get a computer.
• Occupy OPEC. $100+ per barrel oil. Really?
• Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!  As bad as things seem sometimes, we still got lots to be thankful for.
• Congratulations to Coach K for becoming the coach with most wins in college basketball and for doing it the right way. Of course I said the same thing about JoePa.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Man in ‘I’m A Drunk’ T-shirt arrested for DWI

A man wearing a T-shirt reading “I’m A Drunk” crashed into a police car early Thursday on Long Island and is being charged with driving while intoxicated, police said.

Kevin Daly, of Coram, N.Y., was driving a 2000 Saturn on County Road 83 at about 1:45 a.m. when he hit the patrol car.

The entire message on his T-shirt reads “I’m Not An Alcoholic, I’m A Drunk. Alcoholics Go to Meetings.”

The officer, who is assigned to the Suffolk County Police Department’s alcohol fatality enforcement team, was treated for minor injuries. Coram, 22, was not hurt.

He was set to be arraigned later Thursday. It was not immediately clear whether he had a lawyer.

At least he wasn’t false advertising.

Tweet of the Week

Fehertwit David Feherty

I’ve taken up welding in my garage, not far from where I make ammunition. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Headlines

The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting, males rest

The way nature intended.

IHOP goes self-service at new San Diego location

Next you get to cook your own breakfast. Then it will be go to the hen house and collect your own eggs………

BIDEN TRANSPARENCY MEETING CLOSED TO PRESS!

What would you expect? The poLIEticians don’t really mean what they say.

How to avoid airline fees

That’s easy – don’t fly. Duh!

Redneck Joke of the Week

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and  laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the  bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to  ’clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

White flag for the 2011 season. This is the last race of the year. The championship will be decided in Homestead.

The picks:

1. Tony Stewart
2. Carl Edwards
3. Anybody but a Busch

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Dierks Bentley – Home

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Why Barns are Red

Red barns started in Europe hundreds of years ago. The barns would be sealed with linseed oil to protect them from the elements and to prevent the wood from rotting. The oil has a naturally tan color.

At some point, farmers started adding rust to the paint. Rust kills mold and moss that would otherwise destroy the wood. Eventually, by the 1800s, there was no real need for the paint to be red-colored but the tradition of having red barns has remained until today.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                                         23 – 8             .742

Season                                              218 – 75         .744

Memphis loses to Marshall

UAB loses to So. Miss

NC loses to VA Tech

Iowa State loses to Okla State

Miss State loses to Arkansas

Middle Tenn loses to Ark State

NC State loses to Clemson

VA loses to Fla State

KY loses to Georgia

Duke loses to GA Tech

SMU loses to Houston

Fla International loses to LA – Monroe

Ole Miss loses to LSU

UConn loses to Louisville

So Fla loses to Miami

Texas Tech loses to Mizzou

LA Tech loses to Nevada

Baylor loses to Oklahoma

Tulane loses to Rice

Texas loses to Kansas State (Upset Special of the Week)

Colorado State loses to TCU

Fla Atlantic loses to Troy

UTEP loses to Tulsa

E Carolina loses to Central Fla

Tennessee loses to Vandy

Maryland loses to Wake Forest

North Texas loses to WKY

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin