Posts Tagged ‘Will Rogers’

Issue 150

Redneck Ramblins

Note to readers: SOPA did not shut down the blog. I got the annual sinus infection and got behind on everything. Something had to go, so the blog was suspended for a while, but we are back.

• Did you hear about the new LSU credit card? It has Les Miles and NO points.
• The wife of a Retired Redneck does not see the efficiency of leaving the Christmas tree up all year.
• Loved it when Obama said in the State of the Union Address that “we all must live by the same rules”. Therefore Congress must go on Obamacare, Social Security, and most importantly be encumbered by the No Call List law.
• Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler commercial made my day.
• I know Coach Hoodie has won a few more NFL games and Super Bowls than I have, but someone has got to ‘splain to me the strategy of “letting the other team score” and giving up the lead. There is lots of stuff that could have happened to the Giants near the goal line – turnover, penalty, blocked or missed FG, etc. Never give up the lead intentionally.
• Now that the Super Bowl is over, we can get onto more important stuff like the Daytona 500 and the start of NASCAR season.
• One bit of hope. If Obama is re-elected and the Mayans are right, we will not have to bear his second term.
• It’s a new week and a new leader for the GOP nomination.
• Forget the fountain of youth, we need us a fountain of intelligence and common sense.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

The weather ‘predicting’ groundhog is only right 39% of the time!

Punxsutawney Phil is the name of the groundhog that lives in the town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Every year, he causes a major hubub.

Every February the 2nd is called Groundhog Day, because Phil comes out of his home. According to the tradition, if Phil sees his shadow and goes back to his hole, it means there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he does not see his shadow, he predicts an early spring.

This day is a huge celebration, organized by members of the Inner Circle, who dress in top hats and tuxedos. The media comes out to cover the festival, and there was even a famous movie made around the day.

The only problem is, Phil is a terrible predictor! The StormFax weather Almanac has kept records of his predictions. Over the last 115 years, the groundhog has only been correct 39% of the time. That means that you could flip a coin and you would be more accurate.

Tweet of the Week

Paul Azinger @PaulAzinger

67 million non working Americans are given $32,750 a year by our govt. The average income of working Americans is $32,500 a year.#whywork?

Headlines

Obama: I’m getting ‘better as time goes on’…

At what? Golf?

When it comes to online dating, you can search but may not click

Especially if you are already married.

Mortgage deal to reduce loans for up to 1 million

Another $ 30 billion ballout that unfortunately is too late to help the ones that really needed it.

PELOSI TRIES HAND AT COMEDY…

She’s been a joke for years.

House passes insider trading bill in 417-2 vote

Wow. They now can’t do what would have put the rest of us in prison.

Redneck Joke of the Week

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

I guess it was because of my response to the question : “List all
dependents?”
I replied -
“12 million illegal immigrants;
“3 million crack heads;
“42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
“2 million people in over 243 prisons;
“Half of Mexico ; and
“535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer

Redneck Picture of the Week

Redneck Sign

Redneck Song of the Week:

Jamey Johnson – In Color

Redneck Video of the Week:

Largest Crash in NASCAR History

1960 Daytona 500

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A message from the Southern Tourism Bureau to Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites: Behaviors that will make your visit much more pleasant

• Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll woop you.
• Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to woop you.
• Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever — it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an wooping – and often does.
• We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to any group of us as a “bunch of hillbillies”, or we’ll woop you. And you may be happy that we kicked you ass when you think about the movie Deliverance, remember?
• We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI-WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Walmart). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Clinton). We don’t care if you think we are dumb because we know you are dumb. Just remember, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to take our seat in the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would woop them.
• Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll have no other option but to woop you.
• We are fully aware of how high the humidity is; we are not dumb; see #5 above. Therefore, shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll woop you.
• Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended — with gravy. When we are forced to go up North, we have the good sense not to ask for okra and collard greens on one of your hero sandwiches. And don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll woop you.
• Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will almost assuredly incite a riot, and you will get wooped multiple times by multiple people.
• Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have had to visit Northern cities the likes of Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are; in fact, they are even ready before you are so they can get you out of here. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
• Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that’s all that matters. If most of us had our way, you would not be here to listen to us. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick your butt.
• Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll woop you all the way back to Boston Harbor.
• Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll woop you just like they did us. Where did you think we learned all the varieties of wooping that we have perfected?
• So you think we’re “quaint” or “losers” because most of us live in the countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll woop you.
• Down here the sport that matters is football. Squash is not a game; it is what happens to people in a football game. The second most important sport is spring football. If you insist on talking about tennis or some other goofy game, you’ll wind up with a wooping.
• Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your rear end shot – after it is thoroughly and properly wooped. You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your well-wooped butt.

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“A fool & his money are soon elected”

Will Rogers

Issue 149

Redneck Ramblins

• If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• My only New Year’s resolution is to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
• Why is it that we seem to hate lawyers so much, yet continually elect them to political office?
• How can a restaurant serve “homemade” food?
• Bubba is gonna double his exercise program this year. He is gonna make two beer runs per day instead of one.
• “Every barrel of oil that comes out of Canada is a barrel we don’t have to buy from a foreign country” – Gov. Rick Perry – makin’ Texans proud everyday!
• Turned on the TV to watch the Washington – Baylor football game and a track meet broke out.
• If the Mayan calendar is correct, the end of time will happen exactly one week before I am eligible for Social Security. Just my luck.
• Of course the New Age interpretation is that it marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. I guess it all depends if you are Democrat or Republican and if Obama is re-elected or not.
• Happy New Year Y’all!
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Handicap Scooter Bumper Car Competition At Walmart Ends In 2:30 AM Arrest Of Drunken Louisiana Guy

An early morning game of drunken bumper cars–using Walmart handicap scooters–was broken up Saturday morning by Louisiana cops who arrested a 22-year-old man who copped to driving to the store while intoxicated.

Officers with the West Monroe Police Department arrived at the Walmart around 2:30 AM in response to a call about a disturbance. Store management told cops that a group of intoxicated suspects were “playing ‘bumper cars’ with the handicap scooters in the store,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

A police sergeant contacted Christopher Butler, who appeared “very intoxicated.” Butler admitted driving his 2004 Ford truck to the retailer after consuming “five to six beers.” A subsequent Breathalyzer recorded Butler’s blood alcohol content as .133 (the legal limit is .08).

Butler’s fellow bumper car enthusiasts apparently escaped arrest.

Tweet of the Week

Twitter is over capacity.

Please wait a moment and try again

Happened a lot over the last two weeks………….

Headlines

New laws make life harder for illegal immigrants

Keyword here is “illegal”.

OBAMA PLAYS 90TH GOLF ROUND OF PRESIDENCY

I want to be President so I can play golf. I’m retired and don’t play that much.

Poll: U.S. sees Obama as liberal

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…………….

Maher slammed for Tebow tweet

Why doesn’t he lose his gig like Hank, Jr did? Oh, that’s right, he is a liberal and it is okay.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Sign of the Week

Redneck Song of the Week:

Brad Paisley – Anything Like Me (Live on Letterman)

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Redneck Video of the Week:

FedEx Deliveries

FedEx Response to Customer Video

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Black-eyed Peas for New Year’s Luck

Southern Traditions

By Amanda Galiano, About.com Guide

Do you know why black-eyed peas are lucky on New Year’s Day? As with most superstitions, there are several answers to the question. Typically, the belief that black-eyed peas are a lucky New Year’s meal is especially popular in the south, so it has to do with our history, right? Maybe.

Most Southerners will tell you that it dates back to the Civil War. Black-eyed peas were considered animal food (like purple hull peas). The peas were not worthy of General Sherman’s Union troops. When Union soldiers raided the Confederates food supplies, legend says they took everything except the peas and salted pork. The Confederates considered themselves lucky to be left with those meager supplies, and survived the winter. Peas became symbolic of luck.

Black-eyed peas were also given to slaves, as were most other traditional New Year’s foods. Let’s face it: a lot of the stuff we eat on New Year’s is soul food. One explanation of the superstition says that black-eyed peas were all the southern slaves had to celebrate with on the first day of January, 1863. What were they celebrating? That was the day when the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. From then on, peas were always eaten on the first day of January.

Others say that since the south has generally always been the place for farming, black-eyed peas are just a good thing to celebrate with in the winter. Not many crops grow this time of the year, but black-eyed peas hold up well, were cheap and just make sense.

The oldest explanation for this tradition I found is on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, the tradition dates as far ancient Egypt. During the time of the Pharaohs, it was believed that eating a meager food like black-eyed peas showed humility before the gods, and you would be blessed. According to Wikipedia, the Babylonian Talmud, which dates to 339 CE, instructs the faithful Jews to eat black-eyed peas at Rosh Hashanah. The belief was similar: those who ate black-eyes showed their humility and saved themselves from the wrath of God.

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Bowl Games – Part 1                       16 – 7                         .696

Season                                              283 – 101                  .737

Ticket City Bowl

Penn State loses to Houston

Outback Bowl

Michigan State loses to Georgia

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska loses to South Carolina

Gator Bowl

Ohio State loses to Florida

Rose Bowl

Wisconsin loses to Oregon

Fiesta Bowl

Okie State loses to Stanford

Sugar Bowl

VA Tech loses to Michigan

Orange Bowl

West VA loses to Clemson

Cotton Bowl

Kansas State loses to Arkansas

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU loses to Pitt

GoDaddy.com Bowl

N. Illinois loses to Arkansas State

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“People ask me where I get my jokes. I just watch Congress and report the facts.”

- Will Rogers

Issue 112

Redneck Ramblins

• Bubba told Earl that Christmas was just around the corner. Ol’ Earl got up and went outside to find it.
• Don’t like the time change. It gets late too early now.
• Mrs. Redneck has been trying to get me to take a cruise, but after hearing about the Carnival Splendor thing, I think it might be a while.
• With their new security rules, it seems that TSA now stands for Touching Sensitive Areas
• After the voters spoke, it is truly amazing how both parties want to be bi-partisan and are reaching their hands across the aisle. Of course they want to pull the other over to their side.
• Some of my Auburn friends are worried that Cam Newton is gonna leave for the NFL after this year. Don’t worry folks. He can’t afford the pay cut.
• Time for a salary cap in the SEC?
• Rangel is upset that the subcommittee found him guilty of ethics violations on 11 of 12 issues. “How can anyone have confidence in the decision of the ethics subcommittee when I was deprived of due process rights, right to counsel and was not even in the room?”, Rangel said. Of course he walked out of the meeting on Monday and did not attend the meeting when the verdict was rendered. Can’t fix stupid………….. And he was just re-elected earlier this month. His constituents deserve what they get.
• Pelosi is the minority leader? I was hoping for change…….
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

GAINESVILLE, Fla., Nov. 10 (UPI) — A Florida court refused a man’s request for restraining orders against President Barack Obama, former Gators quarterback Tim Tebow and Jesus Christ.

John Gilliand filed papers in Alachua County court last week claiming he felt threatened by the three famous figures and he made reference in the filings to the men being gang members or making gang symbols in his direction, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Tuesday.

“I was trespassed from the Kangaroo Gas Station on University for saying T-Bo sucks,” Gilliand wrote in his petition for an injunction for protection against Tebow. “I personally hate any type of exercise although I feel Billy Blanks has a wonderful video.”

The petitions were rejected the same day they were filed but Gilliand filed a supplemental affidavit, this time naming only Obama and Tebow, asking the court to reconsider his requests.

Headlines

Chrysler recalls Jeep SUVs; GM recalls Cadillac, Buick sedans Nissan recalls 600,000 vehicles for steering, battery problems

Honk if your car wasn’t recalled this year!

Mortgage rates fall to fresh lows this week

Lot of good that does when no one is lending the money.

TSA boss: New pat-downs are more invasive

No kidding!

Donald Trump considers taking on Palin in presidential bid

Reality TV would be boring compared to this.

Ethics lawyer: Rep. Rangel should be censured

No. Expulsion is the only way to stop these criminals. You do what he did in the real world and you are fired and put in prison.

Redneck Joke of the Week

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. ‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband. ‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

Don’t think the ol’ boy knew what hit him……

Redneck Picture of the Week

I Might Even Watch This!

Racin’

What a finish in Phoenix! Hamlin, Johnson, and Harvick race it out for the championship in the season finale in Homestead. I still have the feeling that Harvick, having nothing to lose, ekes in out.

The picks:

1.      Kevin Harvick

2.      Greg Biffle

3.      Jimmie Johnson

4.      Denny Hamlin

Ain’t True

Dallas, TX (AP) – A seven year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree reasonably possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys professional football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Ain’t true about the boy, but probably is true about the Dallas Cowboys.

Redneck Song of the Week:

The elderly parking lot attendant wasn’t in a good mood!
Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach, Fla., eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker, and musician was bone tired after appearing at an event.

He pulled up in his car and the parking attendant began to speak. “I took two bullets for this country and look what I’m doing,” he said bitterly.
At first, Bierstock didn’t know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, “Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you.”

Then the old soldier began to cry.

“That really got to me,” Bierstock says.

Cut to today.

Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach – a member of Bierstock’s band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band, have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot. The mournful “Before You Go” does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.

“If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot,” says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. “The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them.”

The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren.

“It made me cry,” wrote one veteran’s son. Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed seve ral glasses of wine would he discuss “the unspeakable horrors” he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio , Iwo Jima, Bataan, and Omaha Beach. “I can never thank them enough,” the son wrote. “Thank you for thinking about them.”

Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They’ve sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington .

Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans’ Day tribute – this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.

GOD BLESS EVERY veteran…..and THANK you to those of you veterans who may receive this!

http://www.beforeyougo.us/play_byg

Redneck Video of the Week:

How to wash your car with one bucket of water

(Do Not Try This at Home)

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Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

Texas Hiring Process

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff’s Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?”

“That’s the attitude we are looking for, says the Sergeant.  ”When can you start?”

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 18 – 12           .600

Season                       208 – 83         .715

The last two weeks have been subpar for pickin’ the losers so I calibrated the prognosticating machine. Kicked it good too!

Georgia State loses to Alabama

Miss State loses to Arkansas

Virginia loses to Boston College

Rice loses to East Carolina

La – Lafayette loses to Fla International

Maryland loses to Fla State

Duke loses to Ga Tech

North Texas loses to La – Monroe

Ole Miss loses to LSU

W Ky loses to Middle Tenn

Arkansas State loses to Navy

Nebraska loses to Texas A&M

NC State loses to NC

Baylor loses to Oklahoma

Kansas loses to Oklahoma State

Marshall loses to SMU

Troy loses to South Carolina

Houston loses to So. Miss

Vandy loses to Tennessee

Fla Atlantic loses to Texas

UTEP loses to Tulsa

Memphis loses to UAB

Tulane loses to Central Fla

Miami loses to Va Tech

Louisville loses to W Va

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

“On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.”
- Will Rogers

Issue 105

Redneck Ramblins

• Eighteen Auburn football players went to the movies the other night. Why so many? There was a sign that said “17 and under not admitted”.
• Sure was good watching the golf tournament this weekend and not hearing about or seeing Tiger. Congrats to Jim Furyk for winning almost $11.4 million by taking the Players Championship and the FedEx Cup.
• Bubba is sure enjoying the cool fall weather. Just last week he was sittin’ doin’ nuthin’ on his porch and sweatin’. This week he is doing the same, but he is cool.
• Dang poLIEticians. They were in such a hurry to pass the Obamacare bill and now they want to wait to vote on the extension of the Bush tax cuts. Think the November elections have anything to do with that?
• Now they are even bolting Washington before finishing the budget for next year which starts on Oct. 1. Too big of a hurry to get home and get re-elected. Wish they wouldn’t come back.
• Heard a great quote from Richard Childress last week: “You can’t win a pissing contest with a skunk”.
• With so much dissension going on, we are not going to solve anything until we get to talking “we” instead of “me”.
• After further review, I still don’t like reviewing plays in college football. Seems like they get more wrong after reviewing than they call on the field. Also disrupts the flow of the game. College game is full of emotion and momentum which is destroyed during a lengthy review.
• God bless American and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Used Putter Won Jim Furyk Millions

Golf can be an expensive game. But the putter that netted Jim Furyk an $11.35 million payday Sunday at the Tour Championship cost him a whopping $39 at a discount golf shop near Boston.

Furyk picked up the used “Yes! Sophia” putter at Joe & Leigh’s Discount Golf Pro Shop at Pine Oaks Golf Course in Easton, Mass., earlier this month. He bought it during a quiet visit to the shop after the third round of the Deutsche Bank Championship at TPC Boston in Norton, The Enterprise of Brockton first reported.

That same putter was in Furyk’s hands when he made a 2-foot putt for par that clinched the $1.35 million Tour Championship and another $10 million for winning the FedEx Cup.

The putter landed at the discount shop when two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning political cartoonist Paul Szep traded it in, The Boston Globe reported. Szep, who worked at the Globe from 1967 to 2001, now lives in Florida and is an avid golfer with a 7 handicap.

“I can’t believe it. It’s quite amusing,” said Szep, who watched the final holes of the Tour Championship at a friend’s house in Siesta Key, according to the report. “I said, ‘Hey, you’ve got to come see this. There’s my putter right there.’

“It’s pretty neat. Usually I’m the one who’s going to the tour guys and trying to get their clubs, not the other way around.”

Furyk tried out a few putters during his 20-minute visit, then told club professional Mark Petrucci that the one he found had a nick that helped him line up the ball.

“It’s got a nick on the back flange, a little ding on the top,” Furyk said during his post-tournament interview on NBC. “I like it. I guess we were meant to be.”

Furyk will have the putter with him at this weekend’s Ryder Cup in Wales, according to the Globe.

“He made the putt and we got excited, and I’m sure people thought we were a little crazy that we were getting so excited over a golf tournament,” store co-owner Leigh Bader said, according to the Globe. “[Winning $11.35 million], using ‘our’ putter? We were rooting for him, because he was such a nice guy when he came in. Friendly, humble, unassuming.”

Headlines

Obama: US Can’t Afford to Relive GOP Tax Plans

No, what we cannot afford is all the spending.

Lindsay Lohan Released From Jail Hours After Getting a 30 Day Sentence

History does repeat itself.

The Enraged vs. the Exhausted

What if you are both? Are you against yourself?

Michael Vick is on a roll in NFL

Vick is on parole and in the National Felons League

Redneck Joke of the Week

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an Auburn jersey and helmet and is holding blue and orange pom poms.

The bartender says,”Hey! No pets allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”

The man begs, “Look I’m desperate. We’re both big Tiger fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!”

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Auburn receiving the kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says, “Wow that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do if the Tigers score a touchdown?”

“I don’t know,” replies the owner, “I’ve only had him for four years.”

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

Jimmie Johnson won at the Monster Mile in Dover.

Kansas this week. The picks:

1. Greg Biffle
2. Jimmie Johnson
3. Clint “Homeboy” Bowyer

Ain’t True

Four years ago, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi promised that Democrats would lead “the most honest, most open, most ethical Congress in history”

Just ain’t true that it’s worked out that way. PoLIEticians can just say anything and nobody holds them accountable for their words.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Craig Morgan – International Harvester

Redneck Video of the Week:

Quite Possibly the Worst Football Play of All Time

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Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) “Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg”

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard
the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol’ Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin’ Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin’ Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin’ Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) “What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?”

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin’ Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin’ Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that’s dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 20 – 5             (.800)

Season                       79 – 16           (.832)

Texas A&M loses to Oklahoma State

Okies take a close one at home

Florida loses to Alabama

SEC showdown goes to Bama

La-Monroe loses to Auburn

Tiger backups get plenty of playing time

Kansas loses to Baylor

Bears down the Jayhawks in Waco

Buffalo loses to Bowling Green

Bulls get close, but not enough

Vandy loses to UConn

Commodores come close

Virginia loses to Fla State

Semiholes win by more than a touchdown

Georgia loses to Colorado

Dawgs are down and even playing a mile high doesn’t help

Wake Forest loses to Ga Tech

Yellow Jackets sting Demon Deacons

La Tech loses to Hawaii

No Hawaiian vacation for La Tech

Tennessee loses to LSU

Bayou Bengals beat Vols handily

Arkansas State loses to Louisville

Cardinals come back to win

Duke loses to Maryland

Blue Devil’s leave this one blue again

Miami loses to Clemson

Upset special of the week: Tigers trip Hurricanes at home

Ole Miss loses to Kentucky

Ole Miss miseries continue – even at home

East Carolina loses to North Carolina

Directional Carolina game goes North

La-Lafayette loses to North Texas

Mean Green wins one

Texas loses to Oklahoma

Mack Brown loses two in a row

Fla International loses to Pitt

Panthers pounce all over ‘em

Tulane loses to Rutgers

Green Wave is rolled

Rice loses to SMU

Ponies run by Owls

Marshall loses to So. Miss

Golden Eagles too much for the Herd

Colorado St loses to TCU

Horned Frogs take no prisoners and win big

New Mexico loses to UTEP

UTEP by twenty

Iowa State loses to Texas Tech

Raiders have had two weeks to prepare for this one

Memphis loses to Tulsa

Tulsa’s bad season start gets a little better

NC State loses to Va Tech

Close one, but Hokies hold on

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
-Will Rogers

Issue 103

Redneck Ramblins

• Watching college football over the weekend and saw Bob Davies of ESPN try to explain why college athletes are getting in trouble these days. He said that they used to go home during the summer and earn some money, but now they are on campus twelve months a year working out. Since they have no money like normal students, they tend to get into trouble. Hey, Bob, what about the thousands of dollars of tattoos on their bodies? Where did they get the money for those?
• America is a great country whose Bill of Rights gives one the freedom to burn the Koran or protest at military funerals. It also gives me the freedom to point out that Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida preacher, and Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka are all booger eating morons.
• Don’t much care for Donald Trump, but I do have to give him a nod in trying to buy the property of the controversial mosque and attempting to end the mess.
• BP oil spill must be all better now. Haven’t heard anything in the media about it. Old news, I guess.
• Congress is working hard – trying to get re-elected.
• Article this week says that doctors work while ill. That makes me sick!
• I got trifocal contacts this week. I guess if I don’t like the looks of things, I can just look at it differently.
• God bless America and our troops!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

41 Obama White House aides owe the IRS $831,000 in back taxes — and they’re not alone

September 10, 2010 Los Angeles Times

Over the years a lot of suspicion has built up across the country about Washington and its population of opportunistic transients coming to see themselves as a special kind of person, somehow above average working Americans who don’t work down in that former swamp.

Well, finally, an end to all those undocumented doubts. Thanks to some diligent digging by the Washington Post, those suspicions can at last be put to rest.

They’re correct. Accurate. Dead-on. Laser-guided. On target. Bingo-bango. As clear as it’s always seemed to those Americans who don’t feel special entitlements and do meet their government obligations.

We now know that federal employees across the nation owe fully $1 billion in back taxes to the Internal Revenue Service.

As in, 1,000 times one million dollars. All this political jabber about giving middle-class …

… Americans a tax cut. Thousands of feds have been giving themselves one all along — unofficially. And these tax scofflaws include more than three dozen folks who work for the president with that newly decorated Oval Office.

The Post’s T.W. Farnum did some research and found that out of the total sum, just 638 workers on Capitol Hill owe the IRS $9.3 million in back taxes. As in, overdue. The IRS gets stiffed by the legislative body that controls its budget. How Washington works.

Now, back taxes have been a problem for the Obama-Biden administration. You may recall early on that Tom Daschle was the president’s top pick to run the Health and Human Services Department. But it turned out the former Democratic senator, who was un-elected from South Dakota in 2004, owed something like $120,000 to the IRS for things from his subsequent benefactor that he just forgot to pay taxes on. You know how that is. $120G’s here or there. So he dropped out.

And then we learned this guy Timothy Geithner owed something like $42,000 in back taxes and penalties to the IRS, which is one of the agencies that he’d be in charge of as secretary of the Treasury. The fine fellow who’s supposed to know about handling everyone else’s money. In the end this was excused by Washington’s bipartisan CYA culture as one of those inadvertent accidental oversights that somehow never seem to happen on the side of paying too much taxes.

And under Geithner’s expert guidance the U.S. economy has been, well, wow! Just look at it.

Privacy laws prevent release of individual tax delinquents’ names. But we do know that as of the end of 2009, 41 people inside Obama’s very own White House owe the government they’re allegedly running a total of $831,055 in back taxes. That would cover a lot of special chocolate desserts in the White House Mess.

In the House of Representatives, 421 people owe a total $6,524,892. In the Senate, 217 owe $2,774,836. In the IRS’ parent department, Treasury, 1,204 owe $7,670,814. At the Labor Department, where Secretary Hilda Solis’ husband had some back-tax problems before her confirmation, 463 owe $7,481,463. Eighty-one workers for the Federal Reserve System’s board of governors owe $1,076,733.

Over at the Justice Department, which is so busy enforcing other laws and suing Arizona, 1,971 employees still owe $14,350,152 in overdue taxes.

Then, we come to the Department of Homeland Security, which is run by Janet Napolitano, the former governor of Arizona who preferred to call terrorist acts “man-caused disasters.” Homeland Security is keeping all of us safe by ensuring that a Dutch tourist is aboard every inbound international flight to thwart any would-be bomber with explosives in his underpants.

Within that department, there reside 4,856 people who owe the tax agency a whopping total of $37,012,174.

And they’re checking our pockets for metal and coins?

– Andrew Malcolm

Headlines

Reggie Bush announces he is giving back his Heisman Trophy

Now if he will give back all of the other stuff his family received for him to play at USC and his signing bonus…………..

Politicians May Brush Off House Work to Continue Campaigning

That is all they ever do is campaign. It’s all about getting re-elected.

Harry Reid arrives at clean energy summit. . . in a fleet of giant SUVs
Hypocrites every one of them.

Christine O’Donnell upsets Mike Castle in Delaware Senate primary

There is change and hope. Both parties should be worried! It is not business as usual anymore in the political world.

Redneck Joke of the Week

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’

Redneck Picture of the Week

Racin’

The Chase is on –Final ten races to declare the Sprint Cup Champion.

My predictions:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2.  Kevin Harvick
3.  Jeff Gordon
4. Tony Stewart
5. Denny Hamlin
6. Kyle Busch
7. Clint Bowyer
8. Kurt Busch
9. Greg Biffle
10. Jeff Burton
11. Carl Edwards
12. Matt Kenseth

The Chase starts in New Hampshire. The picks:

1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Denny Hamlin
3. Anybody but a Busch

Ain’t True

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (AP) — Corpus Christi police say a man accused in the fatal shooting of a woman told investigators he believed he was pulling the trigger of a gun-shaped cigarette lighter, not a real firearm.

Joseph Ryan Douglas remained in custody Tuesday on a manslaughter charge. Bond was set at $100,000 for the 23-year-old Douglas.

Nueces County Jail records had no listing of an attorney for Douglas, who is charged over the death of 27-year-old Shakarra Ward.

Police say Ward, who was shot Friday night, died later at a hospital. She suffered a single gunshot wound to the chest.

Police say the shooting happened at the home shared by the victim and her husband, when some friends were visiting.

Ain’t true that he shot his nose off trying to light his cigarette.

Redneck Song of the Week:

Zac Brown Band – Chicken Fried

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Redneck Video of the Week:

Bill Cosby – “Understanding Southern”

Redneck Education Tip of the Week:

45 Lessons Life Taught Me

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God
never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no
for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will
this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Football Pickins:

Louie’s Losers

Last Week                 19 – 1             .950

Season                       36 – 4             .900

Cincy loses to NC State

Wolfpack wins a close one at home.

Kansas loses to So. Miss

Eagles beat the Jaybirds

Duke loses to Bama

Blue Devils are blue after home beatin’

La- Monroe loses to Ark State

Redwolves win at home over the Warhawks in a heated battle

North Texas loses to Army

Cadets march over the Mean Green

Clemson loses to Auburn

Tigers win! Guaranteed

Tennessee loses to Florida

Vols make it close at home, but still lose

BYU loses to Fla State

Cougars melt in Tallahassee

Arkansas loses to Georgia

Bulldogs beat the Razorhogs only because they are between the hedges

W KY loses to Indiana

Hoosiers win on the road

Akron loses to KY

Zips win zip

Miss State loses to LSU

Bengals best Bulldogs in the bayou

Bowling Green loses to Marshall

Still smarting from loss to WVA, Herd finds a way to win this time

Memphis loses to Mid. TN

Tigers wish it was basketball season

Vandy loses to Ole Miss

Rebels romp

La Tech loses to Navy

Midshipmen’s run game prevails

Ga Tech loses to NC

Could be the game of the week. Close one.

Air Force loses to Oklahoma

Sooners ground the Falcons

Tulsa loses to Okla State

Cowboys win an intrastate rivalry at home

Louisville loses to Oregon St

Cardinals lose on the road

Washington St loses to SMU

Mustangs win big in Big D

Wake Forest loses to Stanford

Cardinal give Demon Deacons lots of trouble

Baylor loses to TCU

Baylor Baptist Bears beaten badly

Texas loses to Texas Tech

Upset special of the week. Raiders win in Lubbock

UAB loses to Troy

Intrastate rivalry goes to the Trojans

East Carolina loses to Va Tech

Hokies have got to win one sometime

Maryland loses to W. VA

Terps thumbed by Mountaineers

Redneck Rebel Quote of the Week:

There ought to be one day– just one– when there is open season on senators.
- Will Rogers